Help? I don't care for my MIL LONG

[Clarity]

I have to travel to my MIL's this weekend. My problem is that I don't actually LIKE my MIL and I dread visiting her. Physical dread.

She's not a horrible person, she's a bit passive aggressive, whiny and needy but other than that, she's mostly harmless. I, on the other hand, am the definition of an awful DIL. (I'm embarrassed to admit this because I am actually a pretty genuinely nice person.) I think my relationship with MIL got off on the wrong foot prior to our first meeting. Dh wasn't very positive in his descriptions of her or her mothering. He loves her, and will defend her now, but I do think that he has felt disappointed by some of her choices when he was young and that translated into not so positive reviews of her parenting. Add this to a bit of a conflict with her over how we wanted to handle our wedding, and some personality differences and now I need help.
My problem is that my reaction to speaking and seeing my MIL is absolutely visceral. We leave in 2 days and already my brain is spinning with negativity and my body is tensing with stress. The negative physical and emotional reaction that I have to her means that I struggle even to appear polite. It's hard for me to look her in the eye and have a conversation with her. I'm so mired in negativity about her that I don't care if she has a relationship with my kids.

I'm WRONG, I know I am. I have to deal with this, I want to deal with this. She's not that terrible, just a bit annoying. She wouldn't harm a hair on my children's heads, the girls like her, she is my dh's ONLY parent and I do want HIM to have a relationship with her. I truly don't want to be difficult but I can't seem to shake off the physically negative reaction to the mere mention of her name. How do I overcome that kind feeling? I've wondered if it's just stubborness on my part. I don't know. I actually think I'd benefit from medication while visiting her but I don't know if I can convince my physician to prescribe something "because I don't like my MIL".

Anyone have suggestions? Please be kind. I'm not proud of this and I want to be a better DIL. More importantly, I want to be a better wife. Most of dh's and my arguments are about his mother. :(

[ChefGirl]

Wow, no advice here...but want to echo that you just described MY own relationship with my MIL. I couldn't have written it better if I tried...sorry, not helping here.

[TwinFoxes]

I think it's huge that you're admitting you're the one in the wrong. :hug:

Have you considered therapy? Just talking it out, and being given tools to deal with her could help tons. It can help you snap out of this cycle. Good luck!

[daisymommy]

I actually think I'd benefit from medication while visiting her but I don't know if I can convince my physician to prescribe something "because I don't like my MIL".

:hysterical:

Sorry to laugh. Seriously. But if you get some medication that works for that problem, will you send me some too?

I'm not sure how to handle it, because I have a bad relationship with my own MIL (I think many of us here do).

Maybe it would help to make a list of all the good qualities she has, nice things she has done, ways she has contributed to making DH the good man he is today? And then hold those positives in your mind when you visit. Perhaps recall them when you start feeling bad.

I think your heart is in the right place, and that is a really good start.

[hellokitty]

Clarity, don't feel bad. I have a rotten relationship with my mil. Really SHE needs to be on drugs (doctor tried, but she only took them for two days and quit), so the idea of ME taking drugs to cope with her never dawned on me. However, yeah, taking some chill pills before I have to put up with her might just be the best solution. Seriously, if you find a doctor who will provide you something to help you cope with your mil, you'll have to pass his/her name around here at the BBB, lol. Anyway, I wanted you to know though, not to be too hard on yourself. You sound like a very nice person, but yeah, mils grating on your nerves, esp the passive aggressive stuff (my mom is an expert with that particular tactic), is enough to drive anyone crazy. I hope your visit goes well and your doc will give you something to help your mil blues melt away. I guess that there is a, "legal" drug you could use... it's call alcohol, lol.

[pinkmomagain]

My advice would be to fake it till you make it. In otherwords, decide that you are going to "act" as if you are perfectly fine around her, even if it is genuinely not what you are feeling. Go for that academy award. Try to break some of the habits you have around her. Maybe think about a gift to bring her that speaks to her interests.

Also, do have to stay in her house? If you are not, it will be easier to take her in smaller doses.

And finally remember that you want to set a good example for your children and that she had a hand in making the man you love who he is today.

eta: Oh, yeah -- I was going to suggest a good stiff drink or two also!

[bubbaray]

Your post really REALLY resonated with me. That is exactly what things were like with my MIL. She died 10+ years ago and there is no way DH and I would still be together if she were alive today.

I have no pearls of wisdom, only hugs. I can completely relate.

[gatorsmom]

I had that problem over the wife of a good friend of ours. We traveled to their destination wedding, DH and I were both in their wedding and then 1 month later she did something really terrible to us and showed absolutely no remorse whatsoever. I absolutely loathed her for years no matter how much I mentally tried to overcome my anger. I tried to see the situation from her side, I tried to understand why she might do that to us, I tried to forget about it, nothing worked. They lived on the other side of the country so we only saw once or twice a year and I couldn't stand being with her even though DH had moved on and gotten over his anger and our friend and his wife and child traveled up to our house to spend time with us. I just couldn't get over it.

But time passed, they had more kids, we had more kids, we saw them from much less often and we got along well when we did. Slowly, I just got over it. I think the anger just faded away. I can say now I'm over it. But it took along time and a major effort on my part to be nice to her. She was nice back to me and I think that I was able to forget about it.

I guess my point and advice is to just work at it. Keep trying to be nice to her and like her. Focus on the nice things she does for you. Try to see life from her perspective. Maybe your dislike will gradually turn to pity or something less passionate, even if you can't quite get to "like".

[Nicsmom]

I can totally relate to your post. My MIL is worse than yours, but I will also admit that my negativity towards her is probably more than what she deserves. I feel exactly what you describe before seeing her and my dislike for her has affected me negatively in many ways. The only thing that helps me "fake it" as someone suggested, is thinking that someday I will probably have two DILs and I should behave now the way I would like them to be with me. Of course, it is sooo hard.

[ThreeofUs]

First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard. But I think you're on the path to a better relationship, just by the asking for help.

Look, it's okay if you don't have a relationship with her. You're obviously a very different type of person than she is. If it's affecting your family life, however, you're going to have to take a deep breath and decide to find a way to develop something resembling cordial relations with her.

FWIW, I had a great relationship with my MIL, but my relationship with my SILs were as you describe above. OMG, eye-rollingly horrid. They said things about their parents and spouses I had literally never heard anyone say before, and found (to say the least) disloyal. They acted in ways I thought more suited to an ill-socialized 5 year old. You know, yadda yadda. What it comes down to is that I judged their behavior contemptible.

I had to decide that family was more important than my ego, in my personal case (not yours!). My mother is my role model for getting along with difficult folks, and when I looked at the situation through her lens, I realized I had to stop judging them.

It was really hard, because if I let them they just set my teeth on edge. So I just turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to any behavior that is not positive. I try to look at everything from their passive aggressive, envy-filled, sad perspective and see something reasonable. I encourage my DH to reach out to them and I try to help him understand where they are coming from.

While this often entails unclenching my jaw and manually opening my mind to the possibility they might have reason (and yes, I'm ashamed I can't do it naturally), I do it.

Because of this, DH has a good relationship with his sisters and I - despite my nature - have actually succeeded in developing a speaking relationship with them.

I hate to sound this way. I know I sound like a class-A beyotch. But I'm laying it out there for you so you can see it is possible, even though it might seem like an abdication of your responsibility to yourself and your family. (Who wants to suffer fools gladly, after all?) You just have to decide to do it.

[edurnemk]

Besides the "fake it 'till you make it" suggestion, you could also try this (I resorted to this on my MIL's worst moments): When she gets on your nerves, mentally transport yourself to a "safe place", pick a mental image that soothes you, even before you travel, try to meditate a few minutes, visualize it, etc. Then when you can't take it anymore, go there!

Also I'd excuse myself to use the restroom, get a glass of water, fake a phone call or whatever to take a little break a few times during the day.

In the long term, I do think you could benefit from a couple of sessions of therapy to get all that negativity about her out of your system, but these emergency techniques can help while that happens.

[marge234]

I second pinko mom in re thinking of your visit as playing a role. And in not staying at her house. If that's at all possible at this late date.

I also agree with therapist advice but in the meantime, if at all sincere re Rx, you could tell your doc how your feeling. Something like xanax might be helpful. It's prescribed for anxiety, but is milder than valium. Everyone's different, drugs aren't to be messed with, caveat, caveat, etc... . FWIW IME it takes the some of the edge off but doesn't knock you out.

I hope I don't sound flip recommending drugs on a board like this. It just sounds like you're having real physical symptoms. And you're serious about figuring out how to manage this without drugs.

[Clarity]

You all are being more than kind and I appreciate your suggestions. I'm surprised that there are others that feel very much the same. Do you all feel the dislike so physically too? I've never felt such an overwhelming dislike that it makes me question my own maturity. Sad, isn't it? I marvel at my SIL because while my MIL drives her crazy too, SIL is able to still welcome her into their home and still ACT as if everything is alright. She just saves it up to vent to my BIL.
Staying at a hotel isn't an option. Dh won't have it. It would hurt his mother's feelings. Remember, she's not a mean person, she's just kind of kooky and a bit pathetic. She's done some odd things and I resent her for them but I don't think they were done from meaness (would planning to take BIL/SIL to the airport and then telling them she couldn't because to it took longer to get served lunch at the restaurant and she wouldn't be done eating....they had to call a cab at the last minute.) What does that kind of thing fall under, because that's the kind of thing she does?
So, I have to deal with this situation in a way that is acceptable to my dh. I will say that when she comes to our home, we do have her stay in a nearby inn. I need the break from my self-imposed stress. That and we don't have a guest room. (intentionally! shhhh.)

I'm stuck feeling like I want to be nicer to my MIL but I don't want a relationship with her. Being nice makes her push harder to have a relationship so I'm not nice. That's how I'm a terrible DIL. *sigh*

Writing this out has really helped me think about the situation and reduce my current stress level, so I really do appreciate the feedback.

[pinkmomagain]

Remember, she's not a mean person, she's just kind of kooky and a bit pathetic. She's done some odd things and I resent her for them but I don't think they were done from meaness (would planning to take BIL/SIL to the airport and then telling them she couldn't because to it took longer to get served lunch at the restaurant and she wouldn't be done eating....they had to call a cab at the last minute.) What does that kind of thing fall under, because that's the kind of thing she does?


See, this is where I would think that she might have some limitations ie. mental, behavioral (maybe she is diagnosably narcisstic, or is add and hyperfocuses, or is scattered) where she just doesn't have the bandwith to come through in situations that most others would. I would go on that assumption, accept her for who she is, and nix expectations that she is just not reliable at meeting (ie. don't ask her for rides to the airport! not her thing). There are lots of people in my life who have me shaking my head or being annoyed, but don't take their actions/inactions personally and recognize that they are lacking some puzzle piece.

I don't know what you mean by relationship, but is it possible to have a civil brief convo when you pick up the phone and it's her? When staying at her home can you offer to wash dishes in the other room, or run errands, etc. to avoid too much together time, while still being able to have small talk? Because I think if you have these types of interactions and nothing more, it's OK. Don't feel guilty if it's not more.

[lmh2402]

You all are being more than kind and I appreciate your suggestions. I'm surprised that there are others that feel very much the same. Do you all feel the dislike so physically too? I've never felt such an overwhelming dislike that it makes me question my own maturity. Sad, isn't it? I marvel at my SIL because while my MIL drives her crazy too, SIL is able to still welcome her into their home and still ACT as if everything is alright. She just saves it up to vent to my BIL.
Staying at a hotel isn't an option. Dh won't have it. It would hurt his mother's feelings. Remember, she's not a mean person, she's just kind of kooky and a bit pathetic. She's done some odd things and I resent her for them but I don't think they were done from meaness (would planning to take BIL/SIL to the airport and then telling them she couldn't because to it took longer to get served lunch at the restaurant and she wouldn't be done eating....they had to call a cab at the last minute.) What does that kind of thing fall under, because that's the kind of thing she does?
So, I have to deal with this situation in a way that is acceptable to my dh. I will say that when she comes to our home, we do have her stay in a nearby inn. I need the break from my self-imposed stress. That and we don't have a guest room. (intentionally! shhhh.)

I'm stuck feeling like I want to be nicer to my MIL but I don't want a relationship with her. Being nice makes her push harder to have a relationship so I'm not nice. That's how I'm a terrible DIL. *sigh*

Writing this out has really helped me think about the situation and reduce my current stress level, so I really do appreciate the feedback.

yes, yes, and YES.

this is my MIL - pathetic, strange, extremely annoying. and not a mean or malicious bone in her body

and yes, i physically am ravaged every time i have to see her.

she has done. and continues to do things. that drive me up a wall.

my most significant gripe is that she raised her children to believe they are perfect. i've had my run-ins with DH over his perfection complex many times. but DH knows this about himself and does try to manage his ego most of the time.

unfortunately, the same cannot be said for his sister. who is a horrible, horrible, awful creature. and she has done some things to me. to my friends. and my family. that still make me shake with rage.

and the fact that my MIL never said to me, "SIL is wrong. i'm embarrassed. i'm sorry." has made me very angry. still. to this day.

ultimately, i know my main beef is with SIL, but it is my MIL who created this monster and unleashed her on the world. and she still thinks that SIL walks on water.

ugh. anyway, yes, your entire post resonates with me.

i feel horrible guilt. i behave BADLY around her b/c i just cannot stand to be around her. she is SO needy and pathetic in her craving for attention that it makes me want to run screaming. i am evil and rotten toward DH the entire time we are visiting b/c i am in such a horrible mood.

however, i will say that with this last visit, i tried REALLY hard to have a different attitude.

i set small goals for myself - like for each day that we were there, i was going to initiate one conversation by asking a question of her...as though i was interested in something in her life. about a friend, or her dog, or something she cooked.

i also took little breaks and would pop into the bathroom and remind myself that DS is now at an age where he easily picks up on vibes and attitude. and this woman is his grandmother. and she loves him with all her heart and soul. and i want FOR HIM to feel all that love. i don't want my anger and my literal loathing for this woman to deny him.

i wish you luck. you're really brave to have written your original post. i swear i could have written it almost word for word. but would not have had the courage.

i swear, i'm really not a bad or mean person - i don't walk around hating needy people. there are just too many things to try to explain that go into why i literally and physically can't stand my MIL.

[bubbaray]

i swear, i'm really not a bad or mean person - i don't walk around hating needy people. there are just too many things to try to explain that go into why i literally and physically can't stand my MIL.


Sing it. Seriously. In my case, I have the problem that I'm hating a (long) dead woman, who in her death has been immortalized by the rest of the family.

[bubbaray]

I'm stuck feeling like I want to be nicer to my MIL but I don't want a relationship with her. Being nice makes her push harder to have a relationship so I'm not nice. That's how I'm a terrible DIL. *sigh*



Yes, I had a huge physical aversion to MIL. I can't explain it, even thinking about her 11 years since her death gives me heart palpitations. Not kidding. And, I'm in a very high stress profession and an even higher stress job within that profession. So, not many people can elicit a PHYSICAL reaction in me.

But, just to deal with your point above. You're not a terrible DIL. You're YOU and YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. You just don't get along with MIL. It happens.

I don't really have any solution. I disagree with therapy, we tried that and it was a huge pity party for her, what a complete waste of time and money.

I think you have to find a way to not let her get to you. Even now when FIL or sMIL phone (I'm on reasonable terms with sMIL), I don't engage them, I immediately pass the phone to DH. If DH dropped dead tomorrow, I would have nothing further to do with his family and they know it.

[Clarity]

I don't know what you mean by relationship, but is it possible to have a civil brief convo when you pick up the phone and it's her? When staying at her home can you offer to wash dishes in the other room, or run errands, etc. to avoid too much together time, while still being able to have small talk? Because I think if you have these types of interactions and nothing more, it's OK. Don't feel guilty if it's not more.

This relationship sounds perfect! :) How do I get it? LOL

My MIL wants to talk to me every single time she calls Dh. *sigh* She often has nothing to say and I have nothing to say because I didn't really want to talk to her to begin with, but hey, let's build a relationship! I've told dh that I'd like there to be less pressure on me to "have a relationship" with his mom. It can't be forced and the pressure just makes things worse.

Thank you for your perspective and advice, it's giving me something to think about.

[ellies mom]

I could have written your post. I don't have any advice because I choose to handle it by not dealing with it. She doesn't visit us and when we visit her area, we stay at my parents. I visit with her the bare minimum and send DH over the rest of the time. I'm friendly to her (well, except that one time while I was starving and pregnant and she kept giving DH wrong directions to the restaurant).

I blame my reaction on the fact that she acts just like my grandmother who has brought out a similar reaction since I was 12. I dread the visit for days and sometimes weeks ahead of time and then it takes days and sometimes weeks to get it out of my system (my grandmother more so).

[Kira's Mommy]

I could have written your post. No advice, just hugs. And yes, I get phisically sick every time I even think about her. I never felt this way about anyone in my life and I think it's really unhealthy and plain wrong.

:bowdown: to the ladies who learned to deal with this.

[Tracey]

I feel your pain...except my mother-in-law is a total biotch. I don't like her and I don't even feel bad about it. I would never consider therapy, nor do I think I need it. There will never be a relationship between us because I don't want one. I don't have to like her, but I am civil to her even though she makes me sick. This is very difficult for me to put on the happy face, so I limit contact. Some of the techniques I use to make it through interactions are:

- feign interest in tv shows
- play dolls or games with DD
- smile and answer in short phrases if conversation is required
- clean the kitchen
- pet and play with the dogs
- find a way to bail early..."I need to go shop/answer work emails/watch the grass grow"

Good luck {hugs}

[StantonHyde]

It is really fine to ask for meds. When I got married, my dear, dear mother was driving me INSANE. I made an appointment with my internal med doc and told her "I love my mother and I still want to talk to her when this is over. May I please have 1 Ativan for my wedding day and 1 more to take before to make sure I will be ok." She laughed and gave me 7 and said she trusted me to use them appropriately. So asking for meds in your case could be fully justified. Besides, its better than drinking, which lowers your resistance and then you say stupid things..:innocent:

One of my favorite coping mechanisms is reframing. So when she does something annoying-you just assign another motivation to it. e.g when someone cuts you off on the freeway it isn't because they are narcissitic jhole, its because they are rushing their laboring wife to the hospital. Now I smile and wave--hope the baby is healthy!!

Giving yourself excuses to walk away often is a good idea.

You don't have to have a relationship with her. Let that one go. Just say hi and pass the phone. end. of. story.

Then go see a therapist (by yourself--not with your DH!!! bubbaray's comment made it sound like she went to therapy with dH--bad idea) because you need to work through this--for yourself.

And--just to add to the solidarity--I was going to come here and ask for assistance in my issues (and they are mine) with my MIL. Or more DH's response. Good ideas here.

[Fairy]

I generally try to stay out of MIL conversations cuz I don't wanna discuss mine. But your post is not shocking, let's just leave it at that. I will, however, say that reading the replies has been very helpful to me. "Diagnostically Narcissistic." That's a new one. And would explain a whole helluvalot. Mine is far enough away (in proximity and in her own head) that I don't ahve to deal with her unless it's a holiday. But she's close enough that we have to see her for the holidays :irked:. I have various advice:

* Fake it till you make it is sound, sound advice, here.
* Cordial, pleasant, and kind is imperative. Attempting to forge a real and meaningful relationsip is not.
* I don't know how long you'll be stuck there, but be with your kids 24/7 so that you have to tend to them and not to her.
* Check out. Go to that happy place someone mentioned. It does help.
* When situations go places that will make you scream, get up and leave. Go to the bathroom, go wash the dishes, get on the phone, but get out.

I guess my advice is along the lines of if you really don't want a relationship with your MIL, don't try to have one. After all these years, if you really wanted to try, you would have. I think if you feel you're in the wrong, that's valid, but whether you're wrong or right, if you aren't feeling it with her, then just don't. Do the things above to cope. I really feel for you, Clarity. I think you got some great advice in this thread. Good luck.

[ehf]

One more piece of advice for you:

If she is insisting on a "relationship," it's okay not to have one, but it might be easier just to pretend one. You can create a random, low-stress interest that the two of you can share.

Is there any kind of activity that the two of you can talk about? You don't actually have to care about it that much, but it might make her feel like you have a "thing" that you share, and that might calm her down.

I find that my anxiety is much lower when my MILs is much lower. I realized that some of my physical reaction was a response to her unrequited neediness. Once I could satiate it with something small, it was much easier to deal with.

My BIL picked backgammon. They play 3-4 games a night every night they visit. I think it's the only time he plays. My MIL loves it and talks about it.

My SIL picked photos--she helps create and recreate and endlessly rearrange albums. Again, annoying. Again, less annoying than MIL with nothing to focus on!

Good luck. There are a lot of good strategies in these answers.

[Ceepa]

Give yourself permission to have the feelings you do. You don't like her personality. So? That's OK. Now find practical ways to have a civil relationship and if you must interact, to get through visits quickly and relatively unscathed.

-take breaks as pp suggested.
-make small talk that gets her talking about herself and take a mental break. Throw in a few "oh yeah?" "uh-huh" "right, right"s
-play with DC, maybe they feel like going for a walk
-beforehand arrange with DH not to leave you alone with MIL a lot
-run out to the store to get some crayons, books, etc., for the trip back home when you need to get all the way out.

I feel your pain. Stay strong.

[fedoragirl]

Goodness! I could have written your post except that I am not visiting my MIL, but came back from visiting her, and realized for the first time what a passive aggressive person she is. It made me really think about myself as a person, a wife, a daughter...everything you described.
I hope that your visit goes well, and that all the wonderful advice BBB'ers have shared with you will come in handy.
Nothing else to add but that you're not alone in your feelings, and that there is nothing to feel ashamed about. You are who you are and she is who she is.
Hugs and all the best!

[Clarity]

I hate to sound this way. I know I sound like a class-A beyotch. But I'm laying it out there for you so you can see it is possible, even though it might seem like an abdication of your responsibility to yourself and your family. (Who wants to suffer fools gladly, after all?) You just have to decide to do it.

Oh, Ivy. You don't sound that way at all! You sound like a remarkably reasoned person who is dispensing great advice. Now I just have to muster up and take it. Thanks much. :)

[Clarity]

and yes, i physically am ravaged every time i have to see her.

i feel horrible guilt. i behave BADLY around her b/c i just cannot stand to be around her. she is SO needy and pathetic in her craving for attention that it makes me want to run screaming. i am evil and rotten toward DH the entire time we are visiting b/c i am in such a horrible mood.

i swear, i'm really not a bad or mean person - i don't walk around hating needy people. there are just too many things to try to explain that go into why i literally and physically can't stand my MIL.

I want to hug you. :hug: You totally get it. How remarkable.

[Clarity]

Yes, I had a huge physical aversion to MIL. I can't explain it, even thinking about her 11 years since her death gives me heart palpitations. Not kidding. And, I'm in a very high stress profession and an even higher stress job within that profession. So, not many people can elicit a PHYSICAL reaction in me.

I think you have to find a way to not let her get to you. Even now when FIL or sMIL phone (I'm on reasonable terms with sMIL), I don't engage them, I immediately pass the phone to DH. If DH dropped dead tomorrow, I would have nothing further to do with his family and they know it.

Melissa, do you ever feel guilt about how it played out? I can see that happening in our situation. I worry sometimes when MIL passes, it will be an even bigger mountain to climb. That dh will be resentful of my lack of relationship with his mother. Would he even let me comfort him? Would he feel that I'm being disingenuous? I imagine at some moments he will. That really niggles at my conscious.

[Clarity]

It is really fine to ask for meds. When I got married, my dear, dear mother was driving me INSANE. I made an appointment with my internal med doc and told her "I love my mother and I still want to talk to her when this is over. May I please have 1 Ativan for my wedding day and 1 more to take before to make sure I will be ok." She laughed and gave me 7 and said she trusted me to use them appropriately. So asking for meds in your case could be fully justified. Besides, its better than drinking, which lowers your resistance and then you say stupid things..:innocent:.

I'm still considering them. ;) I've never taken any, but the physical stress is so pronounced that I'm not sure I'm able to relax enough to try some of the great ideas that I've been given. That said, I'm absolutely going to try. Thanks for the thoughtful response.

[bubbaray]

Melissa, do you ever feel guilt about how it played out? I can see that happening in our situation. I worry sometimes when MIL passes, it will be an even bigger mountain to climb. That dh will be resentful of my lack of relationship with his mother. Would he even let me comfort him? Would he feel that I'm being disingenuous? I imagine at some moments he will. That really niggles at my conscious.


Guilt? No. Not at all. She was truly mean to me. Even DH has acknowledged that. He candidly admits that his mom was mean to all his and his brother's GFs.

There is a lot (a LOT) of water under this bridge. We don't really talk about his mom much, though even he admits that there is no way we would still be together, much less have children, if she was around. I know it makes him sad that his mom never met our girls and I actually agree with him about. She would have really been a great grandmother to them and she would have forced FIL to be a better grandfather.

One of the things that has helped is that I do get along somewhat with sMIL. And, BIL/SIL haven't spoken with FIL/sMIL for YEARS (5?? not sure) -- DH didn't speak with BIL/SIL for over 2 years. Out of all of this insanity, sMIL has become a vocal supporter of me (b/c I don't take BS, which is why MIL hated me). So, things have kinda come full circle in a very very weird and convoluted way.

Long story short, no -- no guilt here.

[StantonHyde]

I'm still considering them. ;) I've never taken any, but the physical stress is so pronounced that I'm not sure I'm able to relax enough to try some of the great ideas that I've been given. That said, I'm absolutely going to try. Thanks for the thoughtful response.

Sometimes "we" need meds to calm down enough to use those ideas--its ok. It often beats the alternative!!

[egoldber]

Honestly, this is somewhat how I feel about my own mother. In an abstract way I love her, but in the real sense, she is just a pathetic needy person and in actuality it disgusts me. :o I have to severely limit contact, we don't chat, we don't have a real relationship. When we are there, we chat about the kids (who can't talk forever about their kids and grandkids?), play games, talk about television, etc. And now the kids talk too, so sometimes I just let them talk and fill in as needed. So I am cordial and pleasant, but there is no real connection there.

And as for meds...well, we always stay in a hotel with a refrigerator and there is always beer involved. ;)

[TwinFoxes]

I disagree with therapy, we tried that and it was a huge pity party for her, what a complete waste of time and money.


I meant individual therapy for OP alone, where she could vent and vent (and vent!) Did you go with your MIL? I can't think of anything more hellish!

I had one more piece of real advice for the OP that I use (and I like my MIL). Volunteer to run errands to get out of the house. It makes you look good, and it gets you away from MIL. I know most of the grocery and big box stores in my MIL's town, and several towns around it. Luckily, she's really good with the girls, so I actually get real alone time. :)

[minnie-zb]

Wow. It is nice to know other people have the same visceral reaction. I thought it was me. Mine isn't toward my MIL, but it is my FIL. I can't stand the man and I have a hard time looking him in the eye or being civil to him. He's never done anything to me, but I have a very strong visceral dislike for him -- I've never experienced this feeling before. I hate it, but I try really hard to keep it under control. We've seen them twice this year (which is a lot for us) and by the end of Thanksgiving I was hanging by a thread. In fact I know I behaved badly on Saturday, but I couldn't take it anymore.

[Lolabee]

Wow. It is nice to know other people have the same visceral reaction. I thought it was me. Mine isn't toward my MIL, but it is my FIL. I can't stand the man and I have a hard time looking him in the eye or being civil to him. He's never done anything to me, but I have a very strong visceral dislike for him -- I've never experienced this feeling before. I hate it, but I try really hard to keep it under control. We've seen them twice this year (which is a lot for us) and by the end of Thanksgiving I was hanging by a thread. In fact I know I behaved badly on Saturday, but I couldn't take it anymore.

I feel much the same way about my FIL, (and his wife, to a lesser degree) but he did do some really awful things to me and my family in the past. Anyway, my coping mechanism over the last 10 years or so has basically been a combination of fake it till I make it and just plain old shoving down my emotions until they can barely see the light of day. The bottom line is that the man is not going away any time soon, he lives nearby and my husband works for him. So I need to suck it up as much as possible, because if I don't the consequences would be far more dire than simply not seeing them on holidays and birthdays.

The only bright side is that he and his wife love our kids, and my kids feel the same way. They don't see our kids very often (they're "semi-retired" and are off on vacations 6 months out of the year) but they are very sweet with the boys and like to take advantage of quality time with them as much as possible. If, that at the end of the day, there is still the net benefit of my kids having a loving relationship with their grandfather then it really isn't all horrible after all in my mind. And that is the mantra I repeat to myself over and over when I have to be around him.

[septmama2b]

This has been one of the most helpful threads I have ever read on this site. I am going to use some of these techniques over the holidays.
I live 3000 miles away from all of my the family including my MIL. DH is her only child, she is not married, and her family is small and spread out. She's not got a mean bone in her body but she just gets under my skin. When she comes to visit its for 2 weeks, and she'd stay for twice that if we let her. She does not do a thing to help with the kids other then play with them. Her last trip she changed 2 diapers. She talks baby talk to the boys, an I feel like I am going to scream.
Every time I share a parenting struggle with her, not sleeping, teething, making a mess, picky eating, I get a story about how perfect DH was. To hear her tell it he never had a poop blow out, cut a mouth full of teeth without a tear, and quietly entertained himself without ever making a mess from birth. No wonder she thinks my two toddler boys are too loud, too messy, too rambunctious. I should be able to just ignore these things but for some reason I can't.
She's extremely needy, and requires constant entertainment. We have very little in common, and I struggle to have anything to talk about after the first couple of days. DH and I have been together for almost 15 years, and married for 10 and I know if bugs her that I don't call her mom. I just can't do it. I have a fantastic relationship with my mom, and the bottom line is that she is not my mom.
We are heading to the west coast for two weeks for the holidays, and are staying with her for 2 days, and with my parents for the rest of the trip. Part of the reason is that my folks have much more room, but part of is that we'd all be miserable there, including DH. He loves his mom, but she drives him nuts too.
A member of the extended family that I adore, told me once that DH's great grandmother used to say about my MIL, "She thinks life should always be fun, and sometimes it is just not fun at all."

Thanks for letting me get all this off my chest. I have never told anyone this, at least in this kind of detail. I feel petty since she's not really a bad person. This woman is going to be part of my life, and I would love to find a way to be more tolerant.

[dogmom]

Someone I works with MIL just died. People were saying to her, "Oh, I'm sorry about your MIL so & so" and she literally COULD NOT keep a straight face and would start laughing. She would be, "I know, it's horrible. I did keep it together for the funeral and week after, but I can't keep a straight face now. I want to throw a party." As we were having this conversation two other people came up and were like, "Oh, you MIL died? I'm sorry," and it would start all over again. She did have a pretty horrid MIL who was pretty old and did not have a good quality of life, but still there is a bad DIL/MIL relationship for you.

Would it help if she just never thought of her or referred to her as you MIL or your DH mother and just thought of her as your kids grandmother? Like she isn't actually related to you, just the kids? It might help.

[BabyBearsMom]

My MIL really gets on my nerves as well (although maybe not to the same degree. I find that having a glass of wine or two (or three :54:) helps me mellow out. I also try to imagine her in funny outfits and situations when she is spouting her crap at me. She wears these long grandpa sweaters all the time, so I imagine her dressed like an old man snoozing in a rocker with her mouth open etc. I also do a lot of smiling and nodding and looking just to the left of her eyes so I'm not quite making eye contact because I just can't stand to make eye contact.

[Nicsmom]

I also have a visceral reaction to my MIL and I have physical symptoms before I see her or talk to her. All the advice you have received here I will try to remember when it's time for me to visit her. Another advice: try to plan an activity in which you don't get to see her or talk with her, going to the movies or watching a movie at home is a favorite of mine. When DH and I were dating and his mom wanted us to take her out, we would take her to the movies. That meant she had to be quiet for 2 hours and we escaped reality for that amount of time. Sad but true.

Clarity, I think everything is going to go better than what you expect. Because, as it has happened to me, when you have such low expectations and you dread something so strongly, it ends up being better than you thought it would be.

[karstmama]

i don't have a bdtd, but i wonder if doing some visualization might help. get all comfy, some pillows, maybe a candle & soft music, and see her doing her things that annoy you and see yourself doing some of the suggestions. ok, first see yourself slapping her & running away, then go back & do some of the suggestions.

i like the 'thing i do with you that we can talk about superficially' idea. is she crafty? are you? maybe some craft kit for christmas like yarn & a knitting book & needles & you both try to learn?

[niccig]

So, I have my mother and not my MIL - MIL is pretty great.

I have to visit my mother for 10 days without DH and I'm preparing myself. I have a lot of things I'm still angry with her about, and she does push all my buttons. I'm trying to get past it, for the sake of DS. I want him to enjoy our stay. To that end, there will be certain things I'm going to let go. I have my main areas of concern that I won't let DS witness, and those I will stand firmly.

I also have escape routes planned. I have my own rental car, so DS and I can go where we please. I'm making plans about what I want to do, so my mother doesn't dictate our days. I'm taking the laptop and buying a thumb drive thingy from one of the phone companies, so I have my own internet access and can IM DH and vent here on the BP.

I'm taking some work, that I'm going to do when DS is sleeping, and I'll excuse myself to go to bathroom/bedroom when I need a break. When we visit MIL, I lie down with DS when he goes to sleep and I often stay there for another 30 mins or so reading a book.

Keep things on superificial level and need to know basis. I know my mother is going to grill me about my sisters new boyfriend and then get all negative about my sister's personal life. I'm not going to tell her anything my sister has told me, and I will make sure I say that I'm really excited for her...keep it positive before she can take it negative.

I do suggest therapy to help you come up with strategies. I spent the last few weeks talking with my therapist and I aksed here too for help. One strategy that will work with my mother is staying calm, confident and firm. If I get aggressive in return, which I tend to do with her, as she pushes all my buttons, it escalates.

Good luck with the visit.