Wwyd?

[HIU8]

BFF just called to ask me if I would save the coupon section of the weekend paper and give her all the coupons I don't use. My first response was that she wanted me to pay for her to get coupons (I admit I was taken aback and didn't temper my response to her). DH thinks I'm nuts, that I should just give her the coupons we don't use. I don't want to. I know BFF wants my coupons b/c she won't pay for a weekend paper subscription (but she will go out to eat 5 nights a week and all weekend long), and she has a shopping problem and spends hoards of $$.

Turns out there is a coupon for milk in the sunday paper. She bought a sunday paper and got the coupon. She has her mother giving her a coupon and also wants mine. Now, my kids drink milk, why should I give her a coupon that I will use (she assumed I would not use it b/c it's not a brand I would normally buy, but still).

I know I should not have, but I sort of went off on her that I was not going to be paying for her to get coupons weekly. that she should subscribe if she wants them that badly. Turns out they had watched that couponing show (and they are already hoarders, so they were intruiged) and they want to do more couponing.

I'm still in the NO camp. Also, we are considering canceling our subscription and just doing the online coupons for only the products we use.

[kristenk]

I guess I don't understand why you don't want to give her coupons that you won't use. If you're not going to use them, what's the harm in giving them to her? Isn't it either give them to her or throw them away? I really don't understand your reaction, so I think there must be something else at play here - I just don't know what it is!

[wellyes]

Tell her you plan to donate your unused coupons to http://www.ocpnet.org.

[HIU8]

My real problem is that she asked me for my unused coupons b/c she doesn't want to pay for a subscription like I do. So, she wants me to pay for her to get weekly coupons. As in, she expects a pack of coupons coming to her weekly from me all the time. That is my issue--that she is using me (she attempts this in other areas as well--driver her here, do this for her (where I have to pay for it). So, while I would not mind giving away my unused coupons, it's the fact that she expects me to give them to her all the time and to basically pay for her subscription (oh, can we read that section and then recycle it for you etc....)

[cuca_]

I guess I don't understand why you don't want to give her coupons that you won't use. If you're not going to use them, what's the harm in giving them to her? Isn't it either give them to her or throw them away? I really don't understand your reaction, so I think there must be something else at play here - I just don't know what it is!

:yeahthat:

Like Kristen, I think there might be something more going on between you and your BFF, because your reaction seems rather strong. Why would you not give them to her if you are otherwise throwing them away?

[TwinFoxes]

I guess I don't understand why you don't want to give her coupons that you won't use. If you're not going to use them, what's the harm in giving them to her? Isn't it either give them to her or throw them away? I really don't understand your reaction, so I think there must be something else at play here - I just don't know what it is!

:yeahthat: I'd give them to a stranger on the Metro, let alone someone I'd call my BFF. Perhaps you don't want her to be your BFF anymore? Are you feeling ambivalent about the friendship? I don't quite get your reaction otherwise.

[traciann]

If it was my best friend, I would happily give her the coupons I am not going to use. Can't you buy the Sunday paper anywhere? You don't need a subscription to get one.

[KrisM]

I'm in a local coupon club and we post looking for extras of what we'd like all the time. I buy 4 papers a week and still trade for more. I'm happy to give someone anything I am not going to use myself. So, I'd pass it along and just clip the ones I want.

But, they're yours to do with what you want. If you don't want to share, that's your choice. She can order from ebay or buy another paper or check in the recycling dumpster :).

[amldaley]

I would not have an issue sharing something I am planning on otherwise throwing away.

But I would also not go out of my way to make it easier on her. I would let her know that you use most of the "good" coupons, but if she wants to collect the rest from you weekly, that would be fine.

I would not hold on to them for more than a couple of days and I would not mail to her or otherwise. (Then again, I can't STAND having old newspapers and coupon circulars sitting around!)

OR...I would tell her that you would be happy to do a coupon swap. Let her know couponing is important to you, too. Then she will have to get a subscription and do some of the work, too.

[zag95]

She can probably get all the coupons online or at the grocery store, if it is a specific store flyer...... I'd let her do her own footwork.......and immediately recycle.

[kdeunc]

If it were me I would give her the coupons. I would be happy to give them to anyone who asked, close friend or not. To me if I am not going to use them why waste them.

[kristenk]

Okay, so you feel like she's taking advantage of you. I can understand that. First, it sounds like your BFF isn't really all that much of a BFF. If she's as bad as all that, I'd try to distance myself from her if I were you.

I think it seems petty if you don't give her your unused coupons if you're just going to recycle them. If you don't want to give them to her, find something else to do with them that you think would be worthwhile (don't know anything about ocpnet.org, but it sounds like it could work for you).

I do understand being fed up with a "taker" though. I can also easily understand her point of view, though.

[mommylamb]

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Clip the milk coupon if you want it and give her what you don't want. Do you really care if she gets a subscription or not? It seems to me that there are more important things to get upset about. Maybe there's more to this story, but I don't think it's even worth the time to get upset.

[HIU8]

I would not mind giving her the coupns if I knew she would do a trade or that she was also getting them elsewhere (a site, buying an occasional paper etc...). But, I know she is asking for free coupons from me on an ongoing basis b/c she has no intention of paying for anything (but I should pay for her). Sorry, I do love my BFF, this is an ongoing thing that has been really bothering me as she spends like she has millions otherwise and we scrimp and save and have no $$ to spare right now.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Your reaction to her inquiry really has me thrown. I'd have no reservations about giving coupons to a friend, especially ones I wasn't going to use anyway. Is $1 or whatever small amount really worth any angst? If so, then maybe it isn't the $1 but the friend and that is what you should be asking yourself.

eta- so maybe $1 really is a lot to you. I get that that could be the case. But, if you were going to throw the coupons out, why is it really an issue to just give them to her?

Beth

[egoldber]

I guess I also don't understand what the problem is. It seems like you feel it's equivalent to her asking you to buy a paper for her. But you already get the paper for yourself.

[KrisM]

I would not mind giving her the coupns if I knew she would do a trade or that she was also getting them elsewhere (a site, buying an occasional paper etc...). But, I know she is asking for free coupons from me on an ongoing basis b/c she has no intention of paying for anything (but I should pay for her). Sorry, I do love my BFF, this is an ongoing thing that has been really bothering me as she spends like she has millions otherwise and we scrimp and save and have no $$ to spare right now.

You said she bought the paper already and just wants an extra. If she subscribes, you'd share then? If she subscribes, are you cancelling your sub? If you're getting them already, and have already paid, I don't see why it's paying for her. Now, if there was an agreement to split the sub and the coupons and she's not upholding her end, then that's different. But, if you are subscribing because you want to and would anyway, I don't see why it matters where it goes when you're done. Think of it as saving the earth by reusing the paper.

[ehf]

I don't get your reaction, either, mainly because I don't see why you think you are paying for her. I would tell her that I'd leave the coupons I don't use in my mailbox or whatever, and if she wants to come by to pick them up, that that's fine.

I don't know anyone who subscribes to a paper specifically to get the coupons. Is that what you do? We subscribe because we like the paper. We throw out tons of coupons and would be happy to hand them over to someone who might like them.

I think this might be a case of you being upset already, so this sort of innocuous example is putting you over the edge.

[kijip]

If I still took the local paper I would give them away to the first person who asked. Since I don't, I would say "sorry, I don't get the paper anymore but if I happen to buy a copy, I will save the coupons for you." If I wanted all or some of the coupons, I would keep them and give her just the ones you don't want.

I am sure that I don't agree with all of my friends different financial choices but they are my friends, not my financial advising clients. So I don't bother to focus on what they do that I would not do. Don't stress yourself out evaluating their finances.

[jgenie]

Since you asked - it seems to me that not giving her the coupons you won't be using is just not nice. She didn't con you into buying a paper so she could get the coupons. You already bought the paper and have presumably taken the coupons you want. I might hesitate if this was a person I didn't know that was going to resell the coupons for a profit but this is a friend - your BFF - it wouldn't matter to me that she could afford to buy the paper but chooses not to. I'm biased though - I have seen wonderful people do amazing things for other people when they didn't have to and I try to pass a little of that along when I can.

[spanannie]

I would gladly give coupons I wasn't using to anyone. Really, if I'm just going to recycle the paper anyway, why would I care if someone else put it to good use?

[Melaine]

I have asked people for coupons before, it's not that I am unwilling to buy them. it's because DH and I really don't read the paper and I can't stand the thought of getting it from a environmental perspective. I understand if it's the last straw on a long list of frustrations, but this issue doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

[HIU8]

Yes, I do feel that way. That is how she operates and it's really getting to me. If it was occasionally then I would not have an issue with it, but she wants it to start tomorrow and go on indefinitely that I supply her with a stash of coupons (so she doesn't have to go online or buy a paper herself).

[amldaley]

I guess I get your frustration. (Correct me if I am wrong, but...) It seems that she has decided she wants to use coupons and her first course of action is to take yours, not to go them herself. I like to drive in the snow, but instead of buying a 4WD, I will just naturally assume my friend will take me. (That is a bad example. I know).

If her first assumption is always to rely on you when she wants something, I can see where it would be tiring after a while.

As I said before, I would give her the coupons but not do any of the work. Give her the whole section after you have cut and torn and whatever you need to do. Make her sort and clip. Make her come get it from you. Then you have given her the raw material at no inconvenience to you.

[HIU8]

Yeah, I know. She picked a BAD time to ask also. WE are VERY stressed out about $$ right now and are being very very careful. DH just canceled our paper subscription tonight anyway (he just told me). I'm going online to look for the coupons for what we use now. Don't know why BFF can't/hasn't been doing the same.

[blisstwins]

I don't mean to add fuel to the fire, but I think this has much more to do with your stresses and resentments than her request. She did not ask for the coupon section, just the ones you don't use. Between good friends (or anyone really) that should not be an issue.

editing because I have a friend who makes me nuts in a kind of related way. She is crazy cheap and mooches off me all the time, then acts like a snob about having a cleaning lady, only expensive clothes. I still like her a lot, but she makes me crazy and I sound off when I talk about it, so I don't anymore.

I just really don't think the act you posted about is anything to get upset about.

[DebbieJ]

I guess I don't understand why you don't want to give her coupons that you won't use. If you're not going to use them, what's the harm in giving them to her? Isn't it either give them to her or throw them away? I really don't understand your reaction, so I think there must be something else at play here - I just don't know what it is!

:yeahthat:

[Tondi G]

Yeah, I know. She picked a BAD time to ask also. WE are VERY stressed out about $$ right now and are being very very careful. DH just canceled our paper subscription tonight anyway (he just told me). I'm going online to look for the coupons for what we use now. Don't know why BFF can't/hasn't been doing the same.

sounds like you are off the hook then and can just tell her that you are no longer getting the paper cause your DH cancelled the subscription.

I would give any unused coupons to anyone that asked me... friend, neighbor, whoever... if they are headed to the recycling bin anyways why not let someone else have them if they can use them.

[inmypjs]

My first reaction to your post was also that something underlying is going on with you and your friend. At face value, her coupon request sounds pretty reasonable to me. If you're not using them, why not help out a friend? In my mind, that's what friends do.

But if there is another underlying dynamic, like maybe you feel she takes advantage of you in other ways or you're giving more than you're getting in the friendship, then your reaction would make more sense to me. From your posts, it sounds like the her coupon request is an example of a way that she treats you that makes you mad, and that this is really about a lot more than coupons.

Just MHO.

[kara97210]

My first reaction to your post was also that something underlying is going on with you and your friend. At face value, her coupon request sounds pretty reasonable to me. If you're not using them, why not help out a friend? In my mind, that's what friends do.

But if there is another underlying dynamic, like maybe you feel she takes advantage of you in other ways or you're giving more than you're getting in the friendship, then your reaction would make more sense to me. From your posts, it sounds like the her coupon request is an example of a way that she treats you that makes you mad, and that this is really about a lot more than coupons.

Just MHO.

:yeahthat: It sounds like this is a straw that broke the camel's back issue. It's not about the coupons and there are a bunch of issues that built up. I'm dealing with that with a long time friend and can understand. At least now you are off the hook.

Also as an aside, I am dreading my cousin (who is a hoarder) getting wind of the TLC coupon show. I can't imagine what she'll pick up once she realizes you can crazy deals using coupons. I'm imagining a room with 30,000 rolls of toilet paper.

[megs4413]

I think the real issue here is something else entirely....

Having said that, if it was my"BFF", I'd give her the coupons without even blinking about it. She's my BFF....good for her=good for me; it's a symbiotic relationship, KWIM?

[ett]

sounds like you are off the hook then and can just tell her that you are no longer getting the paper cause your DH cancelled the subscription.

I would give any unused coupons to anyone that asked me... friend, neighbor, whoever... if they are headed to the recycling bin anyways why not let someone else have them if they can use them.

:yeahthat: My mother actually gives me the coupons first and then I return them to her after I cut out what I want.

[niccig]

I guess I get your frustration. (Correct me if I am wrong, but...) It seems that she has decided she wants to use coupons and her first course of action is to take yours, not to go them herself. I like to drive in the snow, but instead of buying a 4WD, I will just naturally assume my friend will take me. (That is a bad example. I know).

If her first assumption is always to rely on you when she wants something, I can see where it would be tiring after a while.

As I said before, I would give her the coupons but not do any of the work. Give her the whole section after you have cut and torn and whatever you need to do. Make her sort and clip. Make her come get it from you. Then you have given her the raw material at no inconvenience to you.

:yeahthat: Maybe what others aren't understanding, that it is NOT about the coupons. It could be about something else, eg. soccer photos of her son that she couldn't be bothered to go pick up from the coach's house, so the coach then gave them to you when she saw you a few weeks later, and now your friend expects you to drop them off to her house. If the photos are that important, then get in your car....

Can you tell I have a similar friend. She has no qualms about getting everyone around her to make her life easier, but she doesn't once think about how busy everyone else is. Our playgroup is supposed to get together this week, so I'll take them with me then, I'm too busy to make a special trip across town to her house. I have said she can come and get them whenever she wants, but no reply...

I agree with keeping what you don't need, but don't do any extra legwork. Leave them on the porch for her to come and collect. If she doesn't come over, then she's not that needy for them...Rinse and repeat for any future situations. If you can help, do so, but don't do all the legwork. Since I've been doing that, I've had much less resentment and the number of requests have diminished.

[sidmand]

I would give her the coupons but not do any of the work. Give her the whole section after you have cut and torn and whatever you need to do. Make her sort and clip. Make her come get it from you. Then you have given her the raw material at no inconvenience to you.

:yeahthat:

Use the milk coupon. Use any that you'd like. And don't mail them to her, if she wants them she can come get them. Mine just go in the recycling bin when I'm done. I do understand that you're frustrated she doesn't buy her own paper but what she's asking for/you're giving her is in effect trash to you, so as long as she takes it away and it doesn't cause you more work, why not? In fact, you could look at it as giving you more room in the recycling bin and saving you money that way 'cause you could recycle more!

[Fairy]

:yeahthat: I'd give them to a stranger on the Metro, let alone someone I'd call my BFF. Perhaps you don't want her to be your BFF anymore? Are you feeling ambivalent about the friendship? I don't quite get your reaction otherwise.

H, is there something else going on here? What is the big deal giving her your unused coupons? If you have coupons you will never use, then who cares? Is she sponging off you all the time in every way? Is she a taker and never gives back? What else is going on that you are having this reaction, cuz I would give her the coupons. To be more accurate, I would endeavor to put the coupons somewhere that I could find them again and hope they're still there when I remember to give them to her. When I go to costco, I leave my coupon book sans coupons I've already redeemed in the cart when I'm done so someone else can use them. What's the diff?

[boolady]

I guess I also don't understand what the problem is. It seems like you feel it's equivalent to her asking you to buy a paper for her. But you already get the paper for yourself.


Right. Exactly. You want the newspaper, so you pay for it. If you don't want the coupons that come with it that don't cost you anything, I cannot understand what the problem is. If I was just going to recycle something, I'd prefer to have someone else use it than have it go to waste.

[Dream]

I don't have any problem sharing any coupons I won't be using. We already do that even on this board. I would be happy to share with my BFF. The first time I was in Carters I didn't have coupons with me but while in line a total stranger offered me her extra coupon, I was thrilled. If you're not using, its going to be waste, better let someone else take advantage of it.

[BabyBearsMom]

If it was give it to my friend or throw it in the trash, I would give it to my friend. I wouldn't not use coupons that I wanted just to give to her though. I wouldn't go out of my way to give her the paper. If she wants to drive to my house and go through my recycling bin, fine by me.

[sewarsh]

I don't get this at all.

If I clip coupons and go to buy the product, then decide not to get the product or get a cheaper generic brand, i ALWAYS leave the coupon for the next person to come by. Let alone a friend, and especially a BFF!!!

Frankly, I find the coupons from the paper really stinking these days.
Maybe becuase I don't buy the processed foods that are typically in the paper (but this comment probably belongs in another thread) :) but from time to time there are some good ones.

[LexyLou]

I guess I don't understand why you don't want to give her coupons that you won't use. If you're not going to use them, what's the harm in giving them to her? Isn't it either give them to her or throw them away? I really don't understand your reaction, so I think there must be something else at play here - I just don't know what it is!


:yeahthat:

Like Kristen, I think there might be something more going on between you and your BFF, because your reaction seems rather strong. Why would you not give them to her if you are otherwise throwing them away?

I agree, there is something more going on. It's not like she's asking you to give her all the coupons. I can't imagine being so stingy with my BFF.

[ehf]

Sort of random but tangentially related:
I heard a lecture a while ago about how conflict can be good because it's how we all negotiate boundaries.

So, when BFF asks for something, you give her what you're willing to give. She learns your boundaries. Over time, she makes requests that seem reasonable to you because they are the ones that keep working. She stops making requests that don't seem reasonable to you because they never work. You essentially train her.

[BabyMine]

Can you take a break from her for awhile? You are going through a stressful time and don't need someone adding to it.

[kozachka]

Maybe what others aren't understanding, that it is NOT about the coupons.

:yeahthat: This is clearly NOT about coupons. You are stressed, and resent your friend for not being careful with money when you have to. You might even resent the fact that you have to be careful with money now, and resent your friend for going out and shopping.

Your friend is an adult and sooner or later will pay the price for buying things she can't afford. Ask me how I know :icon_twisted:. You choose to be more fiscally responsible. Good for you! We all make choices that some of our friends don't agree with, financial or otherwise. If she is your true friend, you will forgive her; if not, you'll drift apart.

Hope things will get less stressful for you and real soon.