What Did You or Your Mom Do "Right" in Raising a Daughter [Archive]

sste

01-10-2011, 02:00 PM

With DD's arrival, I have found myself anxious about how contentious the mom-daughter relationship can become in later childhood and adulthood. And all of the challenges of raising a daughter given that imho the culture of women and the social expectations of women can be much (much) more competitive and unforgiving and unrealistic than that of men. No doubt part of it is because being female is the devil I know. Compared to the journal I keep for DS, DD's journal already has quite a bit of advice and caveats and explanations from me.

Anyway, what worked for you or your mom in raising a daughter who is happy, confident, successful by her own definition, and has strong relationships and friendships?

Specifics are helpful if you don't mind! Did you do certain activities or trips with your mom (or daughter)? Were there things you were told by your mom or tell your daughters? Were there things your mom avoided doing or saying or that you avoid with your DDs? Other ideas?

mamicka

01-10-2011, 02:07 PM

sorry, I realized this wasn't helpful. I have nothing positive to say except I think what you're attempting to do is really smart. Best of luck!

fedoragirl

01-10-2011, 02:11 PM

egoldber

01-10-2011, 02:11 PM

My mother was more of a cautionary tale for me......

But that is not exactly fair either. When she was younger, she had a great sense of humor and was able to easily laugh at herself, which I think is a great skill. She also was a good cook and I learned how to make a lot of basics from her. She was also very frugal (perhaps even overly so) but I learned that most of our needs are really very simple.

BabbyO

01-10-2011, 02:12 PM

sste

01-10-2011, 02:14 PM

sorry, I realized this wasn't helpful. I have nothing positive to say except I think what you're attempting to do is really smart. Best of luck!

Oh no, Mamicka, I thought it was funny! :)

boolady

01-10-2011, 02:17 PM

She wanted us to be as independent as possible, and really didn't go for "delicate flower" type behavior. My mother had a very difficult upbringing, with zero support from her mother, in addition to abuse and alcohol issues in her home. I think in her mind, the thing that "saved" her was that she went to college on her own dime, working her way through, and that proved to her that she could be free of all of that. That doesn't mean you can't be free w/o college; rather, for her, it was her proof to herself that she was truly independent and could get away from what she had dealt with for so long.

As a result, it was very important to her that we (I have 2 younger sisters) are all capable of supporting ourselves, and not just financially-- that we have lifeskills across all spectrums...can handle money and credit cards, can cook and clean, can care for children, can defend ourselves physically, etc. That said, she was always there for us. She was not a big huggy, rah-rah type of mom, but she was there, emotionally and otherwise. She somehow saw how to balance all of the competing interests that raising daughters presents, because she let us have enough chain to learn to be careful and independent, but was also pretty strict, or at least in my mind, growing up. She also raised us to be 100% accountable for our actions.

As a kid, a teen, even now, my mom and I butt heads a lot-- I'm the oldest, and a lot like her, and we're both strong personalities. I love her tremendously, though, and with every passing year, especially that I'm now a mom to a daughter myself, I have an immese amount of respect for the way she and my dad raised us. I really think they were an excellent team and prepared us for life without having us grow up too fast, if that makes sense. I know how absolutely lucky I am to have both of them. :heartbeat:

sste

01-10-2011, 02:22 PM

And my mom didn't teach me how to multi-quote!!

Egoldber, my mom is mostly in the cautionary tale camp too. It is part of the reason I feel a little adrift sometimes in parenting.

Fedora, I completely agree with being a mom, not a friend. My mom was way into I am your friend, I am your best friend, etc. and as I reached adolescence that turned into I want to hear all the gossip surrounding your friends . . . she even tried to hang out with my teenage friends when they were over and must have told me at least a hundred times that my teenage friends liked her better than me! I think she knew even at the time this was wrong but she was just so NEEDY.

Babby-O, OK the part of the story about your brother floored me. Wow. Your mom did things right. My mom also emphasized financial independence/ability to make a living if I needed to and I have been very appreciative of that as an adult. For DD, its not that I feel like she has to woth as an adult . . . its that I want her to have the type of skills that will always give her that option.

boolady

01-10-2011, 02:24 PM

For DD, its not that I feel like she has to woth as an adult . . . its that I want her to have the type of skills that will always give her that option.

This is how my mom was, and I hope to be for DD...I just want her to be able to make the choice for herself, and not feel forced one way or the other.

niccig

01-10-2011, 02:29 PM

Well, you know the issues I have with my mother...

She did teach me that I can do anything. There was no gender stereotyping. My mother taught me how to caulk the bathtub, she tiled the bathroom with my father. I've mixed cement and I have helped build a retaining wall. She taught me that I might not be as physically strong as a man, but if you think about it, you can find a way to get the job done without help. So, use your brain and not just your muscles.

We have a large garden and both DH and I work in it, I'm the one that is more likely to be doing the hard manual labour. I surprise my neighbours constantly, and I'm often told that I can pay someone to do that. I'm the one that is painting the gate and teaching DS how to hammer a nail.

Canna

01-10-2011, 02:29 PM

My mom is an awesome roll model for me...let me see:

1) I was always a bit of a perfectionist. Mom was unconditionally loving. Her message was, don't compare yourself to other people to get your self-worth. If you look, you'll always find someone out there smarter, prettier, better at playing the piano, etc. Just know that you are an amazing person in your own right.

2) Mom never put me down. Sounds obvious but I hear so many stories of moms criticizing daughters. My mom always told me how terrific I was - how beautiful, how kind, how much fun to be with, how smart, etc. As an adult, I know I'm not perfect, but I have a strong sense of confidence about myself and my abilities.

3) Mom showed me that she respected herself - thought that SHE was beautiful, capable, hard-working, etc. I remember being a teenager and having her tell me something along the lines of "You know, I don't have big breasts but I really don't care. Men have always found me plenty attractive, especially your dad, and I was able to breastfeed all three of you kids. My breasts work great." At the time, I was about ready to fall through the floor with embarrassment. Now I realize she was sending me a bold message that I appreciate. She went back to grad school when I was in high school and started a 2nd career that brought her a lot of enjoyment and fulfillment. She took pride in being good at what she did.

4) Mom chooses to be happy in life. Sometimes it even gets to the point where it annoys me, but she really chooses to not sweat the small stuff (sometimes not even sweat the big stuff!) and enjoy what life gives her.

5) Mom was on the stricter side. She had some flexibility, but in terms of curfews, manners, rules about behavior, she always had high expectations that I'd behave myself and held me to that.

m448

01-10-2011, 02:33 PM

My mom loved me with all of her might and imperfections as a human. The execution might have been off but in her own journey to healing the most right thing she did was to admit her mistakes and apologize. She's grown a ton since I've had kids and I'm happy to say that my sister and I both began our walks to emotional healing together but we are ecstatic that my mom is on hers as well.

sewarsh

01-10-2011, 02:34 PM

I have a DD so am interseted in this topic. Not sure if what I'm currently doing is good or bad.... :)

But seriously, I read an article about 6 months ago that said out of all of the family dynamic relationships (husband/wife, mom/son, brother/brother, etc. etc). that the most strained is the mother/daughter relationship.

elektra

01-10-2011, 02:36 PM

This is tough! I learned more from my mom about what not to do!
I will try hard not to caveat this:
-I always felt loved an prioritized. She never complained in front of me. Seriously never.
- She never gossiped, or spoke behind people's back. I don't think I ever heard either one of my parents utter anything racist either. I hear it all the time from my IL's but my parents just never had
- She worked really hard and I was always proud of her work accomplishments
-She was always involved in my sports activities as the manager. That really meant a lot.

kara97210

01-10-2011, 02:36 PM

My mom always stressed the importance of going to school and being independent. She always told us that she didn't want us to HAVE to depend on a man to support us. She loves my father with all her might, but she's terrified if he goes before her she won't be able to take care of herself (which is total crap in my mind...she doesnt' give herself enough credit).

Anyway. I'm not sure how she tempered/balanced this just right but my sis and I both went to college AND have happy marriages. Mom didn't push us into the "men suck" camp...just into the "I am able to take care of myself" camp.

:yeahthat:

My mom was really young when she married and had children (she was 22 when I was born and I'm 4 years younger than my brother). She was always dependant on my dad for everything and she really pushed me and my sister to work hard at school and be independent. For example, she wouldn’t let us drive without learning how to jump start a car, change a tire, etc. She was much more lax with my brother.

I’m expecting a girl now and I think about what I want to pass along to her. Thanks for starting this thread, I’m looking forward to hearing what other people have to say.

m448

01-10-2011, 02:36 PM

Oh but on a practical note what I'm striving for is surviving menopause while having hormonal daughters. THAT was the most strained part of growing up. LOL

smiles33

01-10-2011, 02:40 PM

I remember being a teenager and having her tell me something along the lines of "You know, I don't have big breasts but I really don't care. Men have always found me plenty attractive, especially your dad, and I was able to breastfeed all three of you kids. My breasts work great." At the time, I was about ready to fall through the floor with embarrassment. Now I realize she was sending me a bold message that I appreciate.

I love this. Wish my mom had expressed a similar positive body image.

OP: Much of what I had planned to say has already been said by PPs (especially BabbyO and boolady). I have thought about this same issue since the day I learned I was having a girl. I think ultimately what I've embraced as a "solution" is that I need to live my life by example. You can say all sorts of things but your behavior is what creates the lasting impression. My mom was a fantastic role model in many ways but I'm still working on overcoming the few neuroses I have inherited from years of watching her.

BabyBearsMom

01-10-2011, 02:41 PM

I never really had a strained relationship with my mom. There were a few months when I was 15, but then it was all good. My Mom is amazing. She is smart, funny, kind, and loving. She worked full time my entire life but always managed to make me feel like a priority. She always encouraged me to do my best and believed in me. She taught me that bullying someone and standing by and watching someone else be bullied were the same thing (i.e. stand up for the little guy). She made sure that we always had special things that we did together one on one. As a grandmother, she is constantly supportive of me as a mother. She stayed with me when DD was born. She never judges my parenting style and if she disagrees, she holds her tongue. She tells me daily that she loves me. She isn't perfect of course, but I hope to be as good as a mom to my DD as she was to me.

m448

01-10-2011, 02:44 PM

Loving all the posts and I keep having thoughts I need to add. Adding onto the PP my mom showed us what a body looks like after carrying three kids (not a parade mind you but she was never ashamed and looked great) as well as a body that had 3 c-sections by vertical incision (even though I had vaginal births the way she carried herself was my benefit). That and the fact that women have hair ;). Yes she shaves her legs but my mom didn't walk around like some prepubescent little girl without a stitch of body hair. Go mom.

MoJo

01-10-2011, 02:54 PM

As mom of two daughters, I think this is a great thread! I actually love OPs journal idea.

I need to spend some time thinking about what my mom did right, because it's too easy to focus on the harder spots. And I was a Daddy's girl . . . but I don't think my DDs will be.

And as an older mother, I DON'T want to think about dealing with menopause at the same time as I have hormonal daughters!

jse107

01-10-2011, 03:09 PM

My mom and I have a great relationship--and I don't ever remember it being strained, but maybe she flet that way when I was a teenager ;). As many have mentioned, she was a great role-model in many ways. She was involved in local politics and spoke her mind. It really showed me that women don't need to sit on the sidelines. That in itself became central to who I am today.

She (and my dad) also have provided me with unconditional love, although they were never my friends. In fact, they used to joke that if I was ever arrested I should not waste my phone call on them, because they weren't coming to get me. I'm sure it's acutally quite true, but I laugh because I was such a goody two-shoes that I can't imagine actually getting arrested!

My mom was, and continues to be, a great listener. Being a parent now with two very talkative children, I realize that this is actually a difficult skill. I mean, really, was she *that* intersted in the daily goings-on of a teenager? The drama? The stupidity? I always felt like she was. She asked lots of questions and allowed me to talk openly without getting in trouble. I think that's why I was able to avoid more than a few situations!

Mom is also a great cook. The kitchen was a welcoming place for my friends and me. Family dinners were non-negotiable and food was homemade--it really helped us stay bonded as a family.

momm

01-10-2011, 03:25 PM

What a wonderful thread!

I, too, have learnt more of what not to do from my mom.. which is a very big part of why I wanted a boy very very very much. Sounds bad I know.

So I have nothing productive to add here, but just wanted to say what a wonderful idea, your journals.

JoyNChrist

01-10-2011, 03:27 PM

My mom definitely falls more in the cautionary tale camp, but let's see...

She always made me feel special. She highlighted my good qualities and was never critical. I have always believed that I'm pretty and smart and talented.

She taught me a lot about civic duty. She's a police officer (now a detective) and she's very good at her job and takes a lot of pride in it. She really is a public servant and works hard to give back to our community. I think this influenced my fascination with and ongoing involvement in politics (particularly local politics).

She sacrificed a lot for me, and let me see that. I have to couch this by saying that my mom is selfish in a lot of ways, which explain a lot of my issues with her, but in a lot of ways she made enormous sacrifices to make me happy. Even though she was raising me as a single parent on a police officer's salary (I'd say at or below the poverty line), she made sure that I was able to do the things my peers did. I went to NYC with my high school choir as a freshman, and I know that was hard for her to afford. I didn't always have the best or coolest clothes, but I got to shop for special prom dresses and that sort of thing. She was also sacrificial with her time - she would stay up all night to help me on a school project and things like that.

ETA - I thought of two more (maybe this thread is good for me!).

She did not believe in gender stereotypes at all. She succeeded in a male-dominated profession, and I've seen that woman chop firewood, mow grass, paint the house, change the oil in her truck, fix appliances, etc. She never let being a single woman hold her back from anything.

This is a big one - she didn't make me hate my dad. My parents divorced when I was 8. My dad is an alcoholic, a liar, never held down a job, and had an affair. He never paid child support after they divorced, and he often forgot my birthday or Christmas. He saw me sporadically at best. It would have been very easy for her to vent her frustrations to me and make me hate him. But she didn't. She didn't apologize for him or hide his mistakes, but she never bad-mouthed him and encouraged me to love him and maintain a relationship with him. My relationship with my dad is still extremely strained, and I don't think we'll ever be close, but we are still in contact and civil with one another. I don't think that would be the case if my mom had given in to the understandable urge to make him a villain.

weech

01-10-2011, 03:35 PM

ehf

01-10-2011, 03:40 PM

Another mom that's more of a cautionary tale here, but:

1) she taught me to be frugal with myself and generous with others by doing so herself. She always tithed, required us to do so with our pittance of an allowance,and made clear distinctions between what she would pay for (the basics) and what we'd have to do odd jobs to pay for ourselves (luxuries)
2) she taught me to pay attention, ask questions, and have an opinion.
3) she taught me self-discipline by setting clear rules about what had to be done first before I could goof off
4) We had dinner as a family every night except one weekend night. We were allowed to bring anyone we wanted, but we had to be there ourselves. Most of my friends had dinner at my house several times. Few of them ever had dinner with their families. They still remember that as well as I do.

Katigre

01-10-2011, 04:04 PM

My mom is one of my best friends as an adult and aside from a brief adolescent angst period where i 'hated her', we've gotten along very well (even through the later teen and college years).

What she did best was see me as capable and strong. She believed in me and encouraged my talents and abilities. She had excellent interpersonal boundaries such that she could parent, encourage, admonish, and support without guilting/shaming/manipulation/passive-aggressiveness/pressure that I see a lot of moms/daughters deal with. I always knew she was proud of me and knew I could handle whatever it was I wanted to do.

momof2girls

01-10-2011, 04:23 PM

I appreciated that my mom was empathetic to me growing up. She is a sensitive person as am I and she always supported me through all the riduculous teenage drama. She let me cry and go on and on when my first love broke up with me, she babyed me when I had my first (and only) hangover.
She always put family first. There was always a hot dinner on the table. She was a SAHM so we did not have lots of "stuff" like our neighbors but we knew she was always available to us.
She never tried to keep up with the Jones'. Again, she was a SAHM and saved to pay for all three colleges for me and my sisters and three weddings.

I hope I can do the above for my kids. I never realized how hard this all must have been.

sunshine873

01-10-2011, 04:44 PM

Great post!

Like others have said, one of the best things my mom did for me was make it clear that she was a parent, not a friend. That said, we were very close. She was available for me, she was supportive and she was my biggest fan. She made it clear that I was smart, strong, talented, and capable and most of all...loved. She was an incredibly loving person and watching her relationships (with my dad, with her friends, with my sister and I) taught me how to be loving as well. Once I became an adult, she did become a dear friend to me, which tore my world apart when she died 5 years ago, but I am so thankful to her that I can say she taught me everything I needed to know.

My DD is missing out by not knowing her, but hopefully I can pass on all of those traits to her as well.

I'm loving the answers everyone has had so far. This is a great topic, and definitely something important for moms of daughters to think about.

Katigre

01-10-2011, 04:51 PM

Something else - she was excited to watch me grow up. I see a lot of mother/daughter conflirt (parent/child conflict) occur when the parent wants to keep the child little or idealizes when they were small. It can harm a relationship b/c the child isn't allowed to grow up in the parents' eyes and be treated as an emerging independent adult - they're instead treated as a child even when they're a teenager and it can be very detrimental. i'm thankful my parents treated me with respect and taught me responsibility (and allowed me to exercise it in the home). It prepared me well to be an adult and to want to stay close to them - they knew how to let me grow to independence while still in their home, such that I didn't feel a need to 'get away' in order to do so (I did go away to college and study abroad, but stayed in close contact with my parents during those times).

zag95

01-10-2011, 05:00 PM

One of the things my mom instilled in our relationship was that she was .always. the parent, not my friend. She could be friendly with me, but she was not my friend. She asked me to seek my own friends, and always helped if I had issues with other girls. She taught me to dance. She taught me to do makeup when I would watch her for umpteen hours. So, in my book...that's all what friends do but I never ever treated her as friend. This may read differently (as in negatively) to a lot of people, but it's the best thing she did in solidifying relationships in general.
:yeahthat:

Except the makeup part...... my mom was my mother. She made me do things (even those times when I didn't want to). She and my dad worked together as a team- we didn't do the " mom says no so let's go to dad". My mother was an example of how to do it all- career, parent/be a mom, and be a partner. It is when I became an adult, that we really became friends (not that we weren't before, but she was parenting me, which was a different role).

hillview

01-10-2011, 05:01 PM

I will stick to positives
Mom:

Always strove for more/better -- education and travel in particular
Worked OOTH which was a good role model for me
Is a people person so I learned a lot of conversational skills and human interaction skills

/hillary

Jenny_A

01-10-2011, 05:14 PM

My Mom would take me on special overnight trips with just the two of us. She called it "Running Away from Home!". We would go within an hour or two of home and spend the night in a hotel. I remember once we just went so that I could swim in the pool at the hotel. We did this from the time I was 7 or 8. I loved it! It made me feel special and it was a neat time with her!

When we argued, after some time had passed, we would always "erase". We would take our hands and pretend like we were erasing a blackboard. Once a spat was "erased" you couldn't bring it back up anymore. It was over and forgotten. Sometimes Mom would say, "I'm not ready to erase", which meant she needed some more time to cool down. I do this with my daughter now.

When I dated, I remember she was a good listener and only gave advice if I asked her for it. She gave me plenty of space during those akward teenage years.

My Mom is my favorite person in the whole world next to DH!

vludmilla

01-10-2011, 09:26 PM

My mom did a lot of things that were very negative but she did some good things...

**Taught me to have beautiful handwriting (not such an important skill, but people seem truly amazed at my penmanship and it seems that in general penmanship is on the decline these days)
**Taught me to read at a very early age and supported my education in the early years with lots of formal and informal enrichment activities. Unfortunately, she kind of dropped the ball with this around 3rd grade and I was bored and unchallenged for years.
**Taught me to be frugal.
**Taught me to love reading for pleasure and for personal edification.
**Taught me to strive to be open-minded and worldly.
**Taught me that there are second chances for most things in life.
**There are also lots of wonderful things that my mother taught me inadvertently just by being the flawed person that she is. I learned by watching my mother that I don't want to place too great an importance on my appearance because that alone will teach my daughter something without me ever saying a word. My mother used to spend hours getting ready and curling her hair every. single. day...it is something I haven't been repeating.
My mother also taught me, through her excessive lateness to everything (work, parties...) that I don't want to be that person and I have been a much more timely person than she has ever been.

WolfpackMom

01-10-2011, 09:35 PM

She wanted us to be as independent as possible, and really didn't go for "delicate flower" type behavior. My mother had a very difficult upbringing, with zero support from her mother, in addition to abuse and alcohol issues in her home. I think in her mind, the thing that "saved" her was that she went to college on her own dime, working her way through, and that proved to her that she could be free of all of that. That doesn't mean you can't be free w/o college; rather, for her, it was her proof to herself that she was truly independent and could get away from what she had dealt with for so long.

As a result, it was very important to her that we (I have 2 younger sisters) are all capable of supporting ourselves, and not just financially-- that we have lifeskills across all spectrums...can handle money and credit cards, can cook and clean, can care for children, can defend ourselves physically, etc. That said, she was always there for us. She was not a big huggy, rah-rah type of mom, but she was there, emotionally and otherwise. She somehow saw how to balance all of the competing interests that raising daughters presents, because she let us have enough chain to learn to be careful and independent, but was also pretty strict, or at least in my mind, growing up. She also raised us to be 100% accountable for our actions.
:

I think we are sisters. Seriously, this is my mom. :thumbsup:

mommylamb

01-10-2011, 09:44 PM

I am so lucky when it comes to my mom. She is one of my best friends and always has been.

I always knew that I was loved unconditionally.

I always knew that she was in my corner on everything and that she would advocate for me when I needed her to do that.

She has almost always been a big supporter of my decisions, even when she was concerned it might be the wrong decision, she let me make my own mistakes.

She was always my friend, but she was my mother first and foremost.

She always protected me from the people in our family who weren't always the nicest (her own mother comes to mind).

When I announced that I was getting married, she opened her home to DH, who she had met only 1 time and took us in when neither of us had jobs (just out of grad school and waiting for his greencard). She treated him wonderfully, even though she was worried that I had rushed into things, but she never told me that at the time.

I remember when I first became sexually active as a teenager, I trusted my mother enough to tell her and she made sure I had the resources I needed to prevent pregnancy/STDs. She didn't like it, but my health and safety was her first priority.

I could go on and on. I am so lucky to have her.

sewarsh

01-10-2011, 09:59 PM

When I was in high school, my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me.
One thing that stuck with me was my mom saying this...

"If he cheats once, shame on him.
If he cheats twice, shame on you."

I don't know why, but that stuck with me.
Guess what...I took the boyfriend back and he cheated on me a 2nd time.
I was heartbroken again, but blamed myself and took responsibility.
I was able to cure my broken heart by placing part of the blame on me and moving forward.

Some might not agree with this sentiment, but it worked for me and it has always stuck with me in friendships and relationships.

boolady

01-10-2011, 10:14 PM

I think we are sisters. Seriously, this is my mom. :thumbsup:

That would be great! I'm dying for DD to have a maternal cousin. :ROTFLMAO:

sewarsh

01-10-2011, 10:18 PM

Also, wanted to mention some things that my mom taught me, but not consciencely:

- she taught me not to be so damn cheap about EVERYTHING because she was so damn cheap about everything.

- she taught me to look nice and presentable for myself and my DH becuase she so often looked sloppy...walking around the house for hours in the AM with nightgown on, no bra, no brushed teeth and hair not brushed. I remember being embarrased of her sometimes growing up. When she got dressed though, she looked great.

- she taught me to not be so damn dependable on a man becuase she was so damn dependable on men.

- she taught me to say I Love You to my DC EVERYDAY and ALL THE TIME becuase she NEVER said it to me growing up.

- On a brighter note though, she taught me education is SO SO important, she supported my decisions to travel and try new places to live, travel, etc. And she taught me to decorate well, because she was constantly redecorating our house and moving furniture.

i love her but yes, our relationship is strained like so many other mother-daughter relationships.

g-mama

01-10-2011, 11:05 PM

My mom was an amazing woman and an amazing mother.

She was my Number 1 fan and always affirmed me. She was honest with me and would tell me (gently) when I was wrong but would always listen to me and try to help me through any problem I was going through. She always had time to listen and gave me the best hugs and was always available for me, no matter how busy she was. Her love was unconditional.

She taught me how important it was to find a man who cherished me. That was her keyword when talking about relationships, I'll never forget.

She was the most giving and generous person I've ever met. She was always doing things for her friends and people in our church or community who were in need. I had such respect for the person she was which really helped our relationship. I put her on a pedestal and really admired her. I think that may have a lot to do with why we never had a rough patch - ever - in my teen years or anytime. I would never have talked to her disrespectfully or yelled at her like I heard my friends and boyfriends do to their moms.

My mom has been gone for about 8 years now and it breaks my heart that I will never have another mother-daughter relationship in my life. Mine was amazing.

elephantmeg

01-10-2011, 11:54 PM

Oh but on a practical note what I'm striving for is surviving menopause while having hormonal daughters. THAT was the most strained part of growing up. LOL

here too! My dad almost didn't survive that!

my mom did a good job of:
-figure out what you wnat to do and how to get someone to pay you to do it-my brother and I both figured out what we wanted to do, majored in it and do it! Which is a rarity with my cousins!
-if you get pregnant tell me and we'll work it out. My bro's lecture was if you get a girl pregnant you get a job and support the baby/them
-she did not let me go anywhere alone with my boyfriend. I was a naive 16 and he was a mature 21 (in Jamaica). He was a big looser but I was infactuated and she handled it the best she could.

there is lots I would (and hopefully will!) do differently. She did not cultivate my interests at all, did not notice my extreme anxiety (literally took hours to go to sleep and only could listening to music, had minor panic attacks etc) and dumped me at college at 17 and barely called after that. She remained pretty distant until after I was married when I asked why she was so uninvolved in my wedding and she said "when you were 16 you told me to get out of your life and stay out so I did!" I have no memory of that and can't believe she took me seriously for 5 years! Our relationship has gotten better since I've had kids

tropicalmom

01-11-2011, 12:28 AM

So much as been said by PP:

Provided positive reinforcement continuously. I was raised to think there was nothing I could not do if I worked hard for it.

When I was in Jr. High/High School she always said that I could always use her as an excuse if I didn't feel comfortable going somewhere like to a party I knew was going to be wild. I could say my Mom wouldn't let me.

In High School if I got the A honor roll, she would give me a free day pass for the next six weeks to use any day I wanted. I could just say i was using my free day pass and not go to school that day.

She (and my father) made me understand that much was expected of me, academically and morally. The desire to live up to that was a much stronger motivator than fear of any sort of punishment ever could have been in my teenage years. I much would have preferred to be grounded for a week than for either of my parents to say they were disappointed with me.

She always told me that a woman who marries for money is just a prostitute with a steady john. That always stuck with me.

ThreeofUs

01-11-2011, 01:13 AM

My mother made sure I always knew that:
1. She loved me, unconditionally, forever.
2. She was always there for me.
3. I could do whatever I set my mind to. And she modeled this extensively.

I only wish I could have plumbed the depths of her knowledge around dealing with people. She was truly a master of human relationships! I try to learn now by thinking "What would my mom do?"

StantonHyde

01-11-2011, 01:33 AM

My mom did many wonderful things--she was truly my best friend in the world. But it was tough. When I was 13 and started to separate from my parents (typical adolescence) she was totally caught off guard--here was this bright shiny penny of a daughter who just turned inward. And then there was weird stuff going on with my dad's job and we had just moved cross country away from her support system. It was basically the perfect storm. She ended up choosing to stay married to my dad and threw me under the bus in some ways. BUT she did 2 crucial, critical IMPORTANT things that made up for all of that.

1. She gave me my space but she was always there for me. She let me come around and come back to her. She didn't give up on me. So from 18-24 or25, we were not that close. Then I grew up and found out what a great person she still was. It was due to her that we became great friends. She was not my friend growing up--she was my mom. But in my mid 20s, she treated me like an adult. Not that she EVER stopped being my mom but she started treating more like an equal--as a friend. DH's mom still treats him like he is 10 yrs old. It is really sad.

2. When I came back to her I had lots of really, really tough questions about the choices she made. My dad wouldn't even acknowledge that some things happened in our family (because I was apparently crazy) or if he did, I blew out of proportion completely or it was my fault he beat me, or it was really a good thing. Mom acknowledged what happened. She did correct me if I remembered something incorrectly--eg. what was supposed to happen was X, what did happen was Y, we didn't mean for that to happen. But she answered every question I had. She cried, I cried. And there were several conversations. I was able to make peace with pretty much all of it. And put it in perspective and move on.

So that will be my legacy to my daughter. I am sure i will screw up somewhere along the way. (not in the same way--I have a very different DH than my mom did) I will stay there for her. When she comes back, I will answer any questions she has. And she will always know I love her.

It has been 4 years since I lost my mom and I miss all the time. I know she can see me and the kids but I want to hear what she has to say. She was an amazing woman.

Other things she taught me--don't wait around for a man, do it yourself. You must be able to support yourself so you can leave if you have to (she couldn't at the time). It is never too late to complete your education (she got her PHD at 47). Honestly, the list goes on and on and on :love2:

strawberryswing

01-11-2011, 01:56 AM

I had a difficult relationship with my mom growing up, but have worked hard to heal old wounds, make peace with who she is, and appreciate her good qualities. Here are some of them...

She was very loving and was verbally and physically affectionate. She was very complimentary, telling us (I have 2 sisters) that we were smart, beautiful, capable, talented. She did not give "false" praise (re: an outfit, piano playing ability,etc.), but would usually think of something diplomatic to say. This was hard sometimes, but you could be sure she genuinely felt what she expressed!

I really appreciated growing up with a strong spiritual foundation. My mom's faith carried her through some devastating events in her life and I saw that having a relationship with God was a source of strength for her. Although some of my religious beliefs have changed and evolved over the years, it has been comforting to have many of the core beliefs she instilled in me.

My mom made birthdays and holidays feel fun and special. For birthdays, she would pick us up in the middle of the day from school and take us to a special lunch and then shopping for a new birthday outfit. These special days with her made me feel very important and are some of my favorite memories with her.

She was not negative, "catty" or competitive with or about other women. She taught me through her behavior that because someone else is beautiful, smart or talented, it does not mean that I am less so. There is room for all of us to thrive! (And that it's good to openly celebrate the wonderful qualities in others.)

She encouraged us to be educated and independent and to have a career so that we could take care of ourselves, and not depend on a man.

She didn't bemoan aging. Despite the importance she places on taking care of yourself and looking good, she didn't complain that it was difficult to grow older or act like it was this horrendous thing. (In contrast, my stepmom seemed to have a harder time with this and made comments that made me think aging was something to totally dread.)

I would like to add that my stepmom, who has been in my life since I was five, had a very loving, functional and stable relationship with my dad and that that example was priceless to me! In fact, I give a lot of credit for my own happy marriage to that example, so I am extremely grateful.

citymama

01-11-2011, 02:19 AM

With my mom it was more a case of how she lived her life than how she raised me. As a working mom (she went back to work when I was 2.5), she provided an important role model at a time when almost all my friends' moms stayed at home. At the time it was a source of some embarrassment to me, as I grew older, it was a badge of honor. She would be horrified if I called her a feminist, but in fact she lived her life as a feminist's dream, doing what she wanted on her own terms.

She also had a really egalitarian (and tempestuous!) relationship with my dad, to whom she has been married 45 years. I think their marriage of equals also served as a role model - I couldn't imagine being with a partner who didn't co-parent equally or share in home responsibilities. (This might be more a function of who my dad is, than what my mom did.)

She is an incredible cook and the nurturing of family through good food is something that is important to me as well. She was also incredibly giving to her parents, in terms of her time and energy, and that is something that I hope I can do for my parents as well, though I doubt I can in the way she did. She is also an amazing grandma. She imparted to us a globalist and outward-looking perspective on life, very curious and adventurous about the world and showing us more of it than most kids could imagine, especially for the time.

Things that I want to avoid: lots of head-butting with her daughters, very quick to anger and yell at us. She was awful about not giving us enough space and privacy, and still would be if I lived near her, but in some ways I think it also meant that we didn't stray too far from the straight and narrow at a time when there were a lot of kids doing drugs, alcohol, etc.

Things that went both ways, some good, some bad: she dressed us terribly and paid very little attention to our appearance, even though she was always very stylish and spent a fair amount of time on her own appearance! In my sister's case, it led to rebelling against mom to make radical changes to her appearance. In my case, I'm for the most part a woman who doesn't care too much about her appearance and it has freed up energy for me to direct elsewhere. (Until I came to these boards, LoL!) She was also very very thrifty, esp when it came to us and discretionary expenses, and I guess that frugality is why I'm on these boards, and why I'm such a good saver. But we literally never had nice things to wear, darnit! (Now you know why I buy my kids Hanna and Boden???)

Truth be told, I think my dad was the one who really transmitted the message that we could be anything we wanted to be as girls, and the world was our oyster. I think strong girls are many times the products of nurturing dads as much as they are products of strong mamas.

VClute

01-11-2011, 08:33 AM

What a great thread! While my dad was very involved in raising my sister and me, my mom was the one who was at home with us most of the time. I can clearly remember my dad doing lots of fun things with us, and those events are often more "story-worthy" but my mom gave me some values that I think make me the person I am.

1) Children are not your life. My mom had lots of interests outside of raising children and making a home. She found the things we said and did very interesting, but it wasn't her only interest. She went back to work part time when my sister and I were in elementary school, and while she expressed some regret about not always being around for us, she also expressed that she needed to work, and was willing to not be around sometimes if it meant being a happier person. And I remember clearly that she bought me a Cyndi Lauper album with her first paycheck. :)

2) Marriages CAN survive. If I had not witnessed my parents fighting and making up, even in some very difficult circumstances (financial woes, my grandmother coming to live with us, infidelity) I'm not sure I would have had it in me to stick with my DH through similar situations. (There was never any abuse.)

3) Don't allow guilt to make you do something not in your nature. My mom sometimes lamented that she wasn't the kind of mom to make costumes and do crafts with us kids. But she didn't try to take up sewing or "fake" anything. She was true to herself.

4) Children can fend for themselves in a lot of situations, and should learn how to do it. My mom was unusual in our neighborhood because she did not petition the school to get certain teachers for me and my sister. And if we screwed up something, she did NOT rescue us. She never made phone calls to other moms to fix squabbles among kids. She didn't do our homework for us. She taught us how to look things up rather than rely on adults for answers.

5) Thread count matters!!

6) Respect yourself, as evidenced by your appearance. My mom didn't get dolled up every day a la 1960's tv moms, but she wore good clothes, got her hair done, and generally cared about how she looked.

7) My mom nursed us, and my dad had taken some beautiful pictures of my mom nursing each of us. Just having these pictures in our home made each of us want to nurse. My mom also walked around naked in front of us, so we knew what a real woman looked like post-children. It wasn't such a shock to see my own post-partum body. (And my mom STILL has GREAT boobs! I'm so jealous!)

8) My mother gave me the BEST advice when I was expecting my first child. "Don't feel bad or like something is wrong with you if you don't love him right away. After all, he's a demanding stranger who never says 'thank you.'" And when DS was born, and I WASN'T overwhelmed with love for him, I was confident it would come in time. (It did, BTW.)

karstmama

01-11-2011, 09:47 AM

my mama's love language is 'acts of service', which definitely cuts both ways - it means she does things so i don't have to do them which is wonderful, but sometimes makes me feel she thinks i'm a dunce who can't take care of myself, and i'm 42. she is an amazing grandmama & i don't worry when she's caring for jameson, ever. i'm sure it's hard sometimes for her to not give me childrearing advice, but unless we're discussing something and i'm asking for ideas, she just doesn't. she will talk about harmless gossip, but never ever reveals confidences or 'tells your news'. she keeps a pretty calm surface, so it can be hard to know when her tank is getting empty or her feelings are getting hurt. this is great compared to someone whose drama is close to the top, but it can mean she's stewing or hurt and we don't know.

she is amazing and i'm very very lucky to be related to her.

Melaine

01-11-2011, 10:23 AM

Like a previous poster said, I have a great relationship with my mom. To my memory it has always been that way, but I’m sure she felt a lot of strain when I was a difficult teenager (and what teenager isn’t a difficult one). I’m sure I caused her a lot of worry and stress. No matter what, however, I always felt loved and accepted.

The first thing that comes to mind, is that my parents have a rock-solid relationship with Christ, and the trickle-down effect was, and is, a firm marriage. There was total security as we were growing up, knowing that our parents were committed to their faith and committed to each other. I think that lays a great foundation for confident daughters (and sons). My parents were absolutely a parenting team, backing one another up and supporting each other at every turn. I guess you have to when you homeschool four children from pre-K through high school. As I am writing this, I realize that it’s hard for me to distinguish my mother’s parenting from my father’s parenting. It seems a bit strange, but I think that is a strength they have: teamwork at all costs!

One thing I never, ever perceived was the idea of “do what I say, not what I do”. My parents taught us to live moral, upright lives and they held themselves to the same standards. For example, if my mom felt that something wasn’t appropriate (clothing, TV, attitude) she would say so. And she would immediately apply that change to our home. She was not afraid to take a stand. It really didn’t matter what others thought of her. She lived out her own convictions. Which certainly came in handy when she was a homeschooling parent in the 80’s and early 90’s before it became even remotely popular or accepted.

I also feel that my parents were very transparent and honest with each other and us. There was no coddling, no sweeping conflict under the rug, and no ego-boosting flattery. I knew I would get the honest truth from them, and I appreciated that although it wasn’t always fun to hear. If I was being ridiculous, I would be told so, in no uncertain terms. If I had screwed up, I would hear about it. Mistakes were not glossed over, problems were not ignored. Standards were maintained, and none of us was above them.

On the flip side, my parents were always willing to listen. Even if the decision had been made, they would hear my side of the argument until I was blue in the face. I remember many nights after my younger siblings went to sleep that my mom and dad and I would hash out my adolescent issues and struggles. I knew they respected my opinion and believed it to have validity. The respected me as a person. And even though those late night discussions rarely changed their decision, I always felt that I was heard out. Which made their decisions a tiny bit easier to live with.

Finally, in reference to the college student thread that inspired me to answer this thread; as a kid I was raised with a realistic view of the world, common sense, and a complete lack of that horrible sense of entitlement that some children grow up with. Some of that was our financial situation, and the way that my parents were raised. Some of it was just that my parents had a very realistic, matter-of-fact attitude in general. I do think common sense is invaluable and highly under-rated. And I’m thankful that I was raised with it from Day 1.

Some other things that stand out about my mother: she is always very empathetic of others and puts their needs above her own, perhaps to a fault. She really follows the golden rule in her daily life, always sensitive to what others may need or want. And, lastly, she has a sense of humor which really allowed her to deal with my sister, my brothers and I. I’m not sure where our home would have been without that.

No childhood is perfect, but mine was, in many ways, ideal. I am very grateful for all that my mom and dad did to make it so.