How would you read this?

[marylovesbennyhill]

So I have mentioned some issues with setting up my DD (who has slight SN) on playdates. On a happy note, she had a playdate today and it was a success. On another note, DD really wants to play with a little girl I'll call "Emily".
"Emily's" mom and I exchanged a few emails before the holidays. I offered to host "Emily". Her mom wrote back and said "Emily" would prefer that my DD come over there. I replied that I would bring DD and stay for the first playdate. Then..nothing. So I let the holidays pass by.
I wrote to "Emily"'s mom and asked when a good day would be. And I get this:

> Mary,
>
> I'm so sorry but Emily is reluctant to play with anyone new at this time.
> She's going through a bit of a tough time. Hopefully we will at least meet
> at the breakfast this Friday.
>
> *****

Seriously? Does this just sound off? I don't get it. My kid is a good kid. Ex and I are good people....

[blisstwins]

I would be very hurt and defensive for my child, but I think the mom is trying to be gracious in a situation where she feels uncomfortable. When you say you think your daughter has some SNs, how does that show itself? I would feel as the other mom does if I thought my child might get hit or hurt in some way by another child. I would be polite to this mom, but I would not go out of my way to spend time with her at the breakfast. Say hello and move along. You and your daughter will click with the right people. So sorry. I would be hurt too.

[melonpan]

well, maybe she feels uncomfortable as you suspect but maybe there is something up with emily. whos to say that its you or that its emily?

if you know that you arent needy or weird and that you are good people, then just shrug it off.

i let too many things bother me, esp issues with close friends and family. but this type of thing, with people i barely know, would def not be on my list of things to feel bad over.

try not to let it get to you. and maybe, it just might be that emily really is having a tough time (whatever that may be)!

:hug:

[blisstwins]

I was thinking about this some more because I remember your post last week, and I think you are feeling especially sensitive lately. One thing to keep in mind, and this is coming from my own experience, is that parents tend to do playdates where there is a relationship between the kids. I have been asked for playdates by parents, and because we have so little time, I have put them off not because I don't think well of them or their children, but because we are busy and the child and my children don't play together so much. In other words, I use playdates for the friends we already have. I include everyone in parties, etc, but why would I go to JOhn's house on our 1 free afternoon or work to make it happen when my children are not really friends with John? It is nothing personal about John, but we are pressed for time in general.
Is there an afterschool at your daughter's school? I would try to give her opportunities to play that are less intense than a playdate (which is a big committment, IMO) and see who she clicks with. Those are the playdates and friendships I would pursue.
Also, can you ask her teacher who she plays with at school? If she is not making friends or seems to be having social issues talk to the teacher about it and see what advice you get. Good luck. It is very hard.

[mytwosons]

DS1 had special needs (he's recovered from autism). It wasn't until he started the public K, that I realized just how many kids have some type of a SN and how varied they are.

In your shoes, I probably would have taken the email the same way.

Knowing what I do now, I would guess that "Emily" has been having anxiety issues and problems being in an unfamiliar setting/separating from her mother. After the second email, I would guess she might be having more pronounced problems and the mom is afraid trying to cultivate a new friendship is more than she or Emily can handle at this point.

[sewarsh]

I honestly take it as Emily has some issues of her own they are trying to work on. I didn't read your post from last week, but i wouldn't jump to assume there's something wrong and emily doesn't want to play with you child. sounds to me more that Emily is having some transition, shyness, etc. type-issues.

but yes, a little off IMO becuase if that was the case than i'd want to push my DD to have more playdates to break her shell, but some parents wouldn't agree with that approach.

sorry - that stinks.

[wellyes]

That sounds like a reasonable email, I would reply with that email like this - "I'm sorry Emily's having a tough time. Hope they can get together sometime in the future. Looking forward to Friday!" and leave it at that. Her child's needs (SN or not) have *nothing* to do with you, just as your child's needs have nothing to do with Emily's mom. Everyone is just trying to make their kid happy and comfortable and confident.

[hillview]

well I might take it at face value. The mom thought it would work out but when she asked Emily, Emily said no. My son is like that sometimes. Kids are fickle. I do understand that there might be something more to the whole thing AND that regardless this would hurt. Just consider that it might be more authentic. HUGS
/hillary

[Melaine]

That sounds like a reasonable email, I would reply with that email like this - "I'm sorry Emily's having a tough time. Hope they can get together sometime in the future. Looking forward to Friday!" and leave it at that. Her child's needs (SN or not) have *nothing* to do with you, just as your child's needs have nothing to do with Emily's mom. Everyone is just trying to make their kid happy and comfortable and confident.

I agree with this.

OP, this may very well have absolutely nothing to do with your DD so try not to take it personally. Other kids are sometimes very drawn to my DDs, probably because of the twin thing or the curly hair thing. Anyway, my children are painfully shy. Ask Dietcokelover, who got to witness the pain over Christmas. Anyway, we only have playdates with kids we know very well. we are really trying to work on this, but it is what it is. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call my cousin and cancel on a the girls being flower girls in her wedding because of this almost debilitating shyness. Anyway, maybe if Emily sees your DD and you a few times in group settings you guys can work up to a playmate, but until then I would just let it go and assume it is the other kid's issue (as I really suspect it is).

[SnuggleBuggles]

Ds1's good friend just went through this and refused to play with any friends. When we had her come over once b/c her mom needed childcare it was perfectly clear that she didn't want to be there. I think that it is totally legit that the little girl is going through something like this and I think that you need to just give this friendship some time.

It does stink though. :( At least the little girl didn't say it meanly to your dd's face, right?

Beth

[KrisM]

That sounds like a reasonable email, I would reply with that email like this - "I'm sorry Emily's having a tough time. Hope they can get together sometime in the future. Looking forward to Friday!" and leave it at that. Her child's needs (SN or not) have *nothing* to do with you, just as your child's needs have nothing to do with Emily's mom. Everyone is just trying to make their kid happy and comfortable and confident.


:yeahthat:

I'd be bummed it wasn't happening, but that's it.

[egoldber]

I agree with the others. I would just take it at face value.

Is Emily someone that your DD plays with a lot at school? I think that talking to the teacher to ask who your DD plays with regularly or who might be a good fit for her for a playdate (and they may not be the same kids....) is a good idea.

[scriptkitten]

i think its hard to speculate what exactly is going on. in any case, i think the mom was polite and diplomatic.

[daisymommy]

I would guess that "Emily" has been having anxiety issues and problems being in an unfamiliar setting/separating from her mother. After the second email, I would guess she might be having more pronounced problems and the mom is afraid trying to cultivate a new friendship is more than she or Emily can handle at this point.

:yeahthat:

[crl]

I've had a somewhat similar put off by another mom at one point (and ds is special needs). I wondered too if it was genuine or a cover to save my feelings about my kid. I think the best thing is to take it at face value and reply that you are sorry her daughter is having a tough time and that maybe you all can work something out in the future. You could also suggest a park playdate when the weather improves if she thinks that would work out better.

Catherine

[minnie-zb]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think the other mom probably feels uncomfortable that you want to stay the whole time. I'm guessing the kids are past the age where this is the norm. My daughter (8) is friends with another little girl (8) and her mom insists on coming to parties, playdates, etc. and frankly it is reaching a point where it is weird. They know us, we live right around the corner. It puts me off inviting the other little girl over for a playdate as I don't want to have to sit there and entertain her mom! We are friends, but not that close and it really sucks up a lot of my time for doing other things. This mom does this to everyone, it is not just me. I had a party in the fall, invited some girls over and she wanted to stay. The other mom then felt obligated to stay. Our house is small and I had 6 girls plus 2 toddlers and 2 extra moms. I had already ordered pizza and I hadn't planned on so many extra people and it was embarrassing.

[momm]

Oftentimes we blame other's behaviours on ourselves, and wonder what we could do to change it. But it's more than possible - probable - that this is Emily's issue. I doubt there's anything you could've done to change it, Emily is probably going through a stage.

I would be gracious and allow her to come to me when Emily is out of her phase.

:hug: though. It does feel bad.

[Ceepa]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think the other mom probably feels uncomfortable that you want to stay the whole time.

This was my thinking too. But like pp said, there's no way to know for sure so I would just reply graciously and move on.

Asking the teacher if there are particular friends your DD spends time with at school is a good idea.

[Melaine]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think the other mom probably feels uncomfortable that you want to stay the whole time. I'm guessing the kids are past the age where this is the norm. My daughter (8) is friends with another little girl (8) and her mom insists on coming to parties, playdates, etc. and frankly it is reaching a point where it is weird. They know us, we live right around the corner. It puts me off inviting the other little girl over for a playdate as I don't want to have to sit there and entertain her mom! We are friends, but not that close and it really sucks up a lot of my time for doing other things. This mom does this to everyone, it is not just me. I had a party in the fall, invited some girls over and she wanted to stay. The other mom then felt obligated to stay. Our house is small and I had 6 girls plus 2 toddlers and 2 extra moms. I had already ordered pizza and I hadn't planned on so many extra people and it was embarrassing.

That sounds annoying, but this is a totally different scenario in that the moms have not even met (If I'm understanding correctly) in the OP. Your situation is not comparable to the OP's.

[bubbaray]

i think its hard to speculate what exactly is going on. in any case, i think the mom was polite and diplomatic.


:yeahthat:

[amldaley]

One thing to keep in mind, and this is coming from my own experience, is that parents tend to do playdates where there is a relationship between the kids. I have been asked for playdates by parents, and because we have so little time, I have put them off not because I don't think well of them or their children, but because we are busy and the child and my children don't play together so much.

:yeahthat:

I have two different friends/acquaintances who repeatedly ask us to do a playdate but I work more than full time and the few playdates we do are with kids that DD adores. I just don't have a lot of time to accomodate other special play dates. I feel like a louse for doing this and putting these other people off, but our schedules and lifestyles are just so out of synch with theirs.

I do think it is odd that the mom puts in on her kid though. And perhaps her kid is having issues of her own. Or perhaps there is something else going on with their family entirely.

Either way, I would find some other outlet to socialize your DD. And I would not want to play with someone who does not want to play with me!

[minnie-zb]

That sounds annoying, but this is a totally different scenario in that the moms have not even met (If I'm understanding correctly) in the OP. Your situation is not comparable to the OP's.

Ok, sorry. I was just trying to give a different perspective and point out I think it is more about the other mom and not the little girl (Emily).

[codex57]

Like others, because I saw that first e-mail a while back about them preferring to host it, I'd be inclined to believe it's not about you, but that Emily is having her own issues and the mom just doesn't think a playdate is a good idea at this time. Not cuz of your kid, but cuz of hers.

[Green_Tea]

I think it's impossible to know what the exact story is and speculating will make you more and more upset. I have turned down playdates with kids my children don't want to play with (for various reasons) but I have also turned down playdates when I felt that my kids needed to scale back on social commitments, and when they were going through particularly difficult behavioral stages. It could be any of those things. The only thing you can do is take it at face value and move on.

I agree that the mom handled it graciously and diplomatically. I also agree with the suggestion that you speak to your daughter's teacher about which children she plays with regularly and who might be a good fit. Sometimes the kids who my kids express an interest in playing with are not actually the best fit.

ETA: Regarding staying vs not staying - I am not sure how old the OP's DD is, but I would say that staying for a playdate beyond Kindergarten age is not the norm here. I have always enjoyed having moms stay and chat and have a cup of tea, but I could see a lot of my peers thinking it was strange that a mom wanted to stay.

[Melaine]

I do think it is odd that the mom puts in on her kid though.

Why wouldn't you just believe that it is the truth? I have no problem turning stuff down and blaming my kids if they are the reason. I've turned down lots of things like huge playcenters (Monkey Joes type places), movies, and kids museums because I knew they would be too much for my kids (this is when they were younger mostly).
I really think OP should just believe the other mom that her daughter is having a hard time. There are plenty of other fake excuses she could have used that might have gone over better. Maybe she is telling the truth.

[crayonblue]

That sounds like a reasonable email, I would reply with that email like this - "I'm sorry Emily's having a tough time. Hope they can get together sometime in the future. Looking forward to Friday!" and leave it at that. Her child's needs (SN or not) have *nothing* to do with you, just as your child's needs have nothing to do with Emily's mom. Everyone is just trying to make their kid happy and comfortable and confident.

I agree with this. I had to tell a mom something very similar when my daughter went through a rough period. It had absolutely nothing to do with her daughter (my daughter actually loves her daughter) and everything to do with a rough spot my daughter was going through.

[amldaley]

Why wouldn't you just believe that it is the truth? I have no problem turning stuff down and blaming my kids if they are the reason. I've turned down lots of things like huge playcenters (Monkey Joes type places), movies, and kids museums because I knew they would be too much for my kids (this is when they were younger mostly).
I really think OP should just believe the other mom that her daughter is having a hard time. There are plenty of other fake excuses she could have used that might have gone over better. Maybe she is telling the truth.

I am not saying it is not the truth, but even if it is, I happen to think it is an odd approach.

Little children rarely tell their parents they are "not up to playing with someone new" right now. It's the way it is phrased that throws me off and I, like the OP, struggle to interpret it.

That said, I don't think there is anything malicious in it either. Yes, I use my kid as en excuse or reason or justification often for many things when it is, in fact, due to her. But, in this instance, it just sounds odd to me.

Ultimately, I read that as a parent trying to be very careful about phrasing something for whatever reason. And, as I said in the remainder of my other post, I do think there is something up with the kid or the family - so that would mean I *do* think it is true.