Hoard v. Purge: Where to draw the line?

[ha98ed14]

I'm of the mind that if I haven't used it in a year (6 mos!) it's going the way of the 3G (Giveaway, Goodwill, Garbage). DH is of the mind that he might need this someday, so best save it. The garage is his domain and I don't even want to look in there because I know he's got things stocked away out there. I actually find myself going around the house and throwing things away that he's stockpiled. You know those Mason jars that Classico pasta sauce comes in? Well, DH de-labels and washes them. Some we have used, but we have way more than we need, and even if we do need them, we can by more! (Novel idea, I know!) Anyway, do those of you with hoarder spouses just secretly throw out their stuff? There is no way to have a rational conversation with him about it; I've tried. But I also feel a little guilty about throwing away his stuff. Not enough to stop, tho.

[Tondi G]

I have a tendency to "save" things and my DH is a purger. There are times he gets on a roll and cleans and clears and I like it... then there are times when he tosses stuff that I need or go looking for and I want to strangle him. This comes in when he decides certain toys or parts of toys should just go and then DS begs me to find his ______ and it is gone.... I am the one who has to try to explain why Daddy threw it away.

[o_mom]

For something like the jars, I would come up with a number that you think is reasonable - 6-12 maybe? That ought to cover any immediate need and if you found you were using them all up you could start saving more. Find a box that that number would fit in and keep that many and recycle the rest - label it. That way you are both giving in a little. I wouldn't wholesale clean out stuff, but something that generic and replacable, I think thinning the herd and setting limits is appropriate.

[vludmilla]

Oh yes, I am a purger and DH is a saver. I don't have any good answers for you. I often end up being a nag and I don't like it. It can take months for me to get him to throw something out. It is very tiresome. I have been tempted to just throw some things that he saves out but I always worry that he'll notice that they are missing.

[mezzona]

i have the tendency to over-purge and my dh tends to hold on to things for sentimental value or rarity. our compromise: if it has not been used in 6-12 months and is not a love and can be relatively easy to replace, then it is purged. if it is a complete love and is difficult or impossible to replace (price or one of a kind, etc), it is kept.

[belovedgandp]

I give DH space limitations and then ignore what he decides is important. So he has his area that's about 1/4 of the un-finished basement and a couple of drawers. He's not so much of a hoarder just doesn't regularly maintain things. Once he reaches capacity of a drawer or something he'll ditch 75% of it in one sitting without looking back but it just doesn't occur to him to remove things before he can't shove the drawer closed.

[american_mama]

I am more the hoarder in our relationship, but when there are things of DH's or the kids that I want gone but don't think they'll agree to it, I put it in a special out-of-sight spot and let it sit, sometimes for months and months. If no one asks for it, at that point I feel no one cares and it can go. I do this primarily with kid toys and recently with DH's old pots and pans when I bought a replacement set.

[StantonHyde]

I go for 12 months. When we remodeled our kitchen, I had to pack up everything. I did the three Gs for anything I had not touched in 5 years. I sent 3 big boxes out the door. It felt great.

[elephantmeg]

this is us. DH is fairly upset with what I am purging, I am upset with him taking over the whole house with crap. Ugh. He rescued a stuffed puppy today out of the donation box because it was 1) a dog that looked similar to the one that died (although we have others that look beagle-ish) and 2) DD got it at the hospital. She got 20 or more stuffed animals in the hospital. We were there over Christmas!

[ellies mom]

I would say the husband definitely has more hoarding tendencies than I do. He has never met a shoe box he didn't like. He can purge, kind of, but I am way more ruthless than he is. He just goes in to the closet or garage and glances around to see if there is any thing he wants to get rid of. And I am a "touch everything and make a decision". It drives me crazy when he "organizes" the garage because he kind of just moves everything around. But usually, I'm watching the girls or really busy in the house so I can't go out and just do it myself. My fantasy for the garage would be to have a dumpster and a few family free days. My fantasy for the closet would be for him to stop encroaching on my already less than half of the space.

[DebbieJ]

For something like the jars, I would come up with a number that you think is reasonable - 6-12 maybe? That ought to cover any immediate need and if you found you were using them all up you could start saving more. Find a box that that number would fit in and keep that many and recycle the rest - label it. That way you are both giving in a little. I wouldn't wholesale clean out stuff, but something that generic and replacable, I think thinning the herd and setting limits is appropriate.

This is a great suggestion. Then he doesn't resent you for throwing it all out and he still has his "collection."

[egoldber]

I do think it is a fine line, and one person's trash would be another person's treasure.


You know those Mason jars that Classico pasta sauce comes in?

I save those too. :) They are the perfect size and shape for storing things. And oddly enough, older DD came home from school 2 weeks ago needing a glass jar just that size for a school project the next day! And I happened to have one. I use them for storing opened grains, dry pastas, rice, etc. I also use them to store things I make myself like applesauce, pastas, yogurt, etc.

But of course it is possible to have too many and I do have that tendency. :o The idea that a PP mentioned of limiting it to a certain number is good. I limit myself to one area of my pantry, and once that is full then I start recycling and purging them again.

[randomkid]

I would say the husband definitely has more hoarding tendencies than I do. He has never met a shoe box he didn't like. He can purge, kind of, but I am way more ruthless than he is. He just goes in to the closet or garage and glances around to see if there is any thing he wants to get rid of. And I am a "touch everything and make a decision". It drives me crazy when he "organizes" the garage because he kind of just moves everything around. But usually, I'm watching the girls or really busy in the house so I can't go out and just do it myself. My fantasy for the garage would be to have a dumpster and a few family free days. My fantasy for the closet would be for him to stop encroaching on my already less than half of the space.

I totally could have written this post, as well as some of the others above! DH is the hoarder and I like to purge, but just never have the time. There is an underbed storage box in the guest room that has his old magazines in it. He hasn't looked at them since he put them there years ago. I've been tempted to toss them, but I guess I just respect other people's stuff too much for my own good. I had convinced DD to get rid of a stuffed harbor seal that DSDs had gotten at Sea World when they were little. It's old and dirty. I threw it in the garbage can, went out a little later and it was out of the garbage. DH said she could play with it when she rode with him. So, it went from his truck, back into the garage and is now back in her room! I can only get rid of stuff that belonged to any of the 3 girls if DH is not home.

I totally get it with the closet, too. Just this morning, I had to ask DH to moves his crap because it was growing ever closer to the door and I couldn't even get to my clothes. I have to do this on a regular basis. We had 2 closets in our bedroom in our last house - that was heaven for me! I so miss my own closet.

Unfortunately, it seems that DD has inherited DH's hoarding gene. I'm working on her, though, and actually saw signs today of turning her around :yay: DD will actually keep paper and pieces of things that are absolute trash. For example, the lace we had to cut off her recital costume because it was too long or the cardboard Little Einstein characters that came with her Rocket. They were in there to show where each character (the actual doll) sits. She got this Rocket as her big reward for POTTY TRAINING!!! She FINALLY agreed to throw them away today along with some other junk I've been trying to purge for years! :cheerleader1:

[ellies mom]

I can only get rid of stuff that belonged to any of the 3 girls if DH is not home.

My husband is the same way. I keep trying to explain that freeing up the space is worth way more than the $3 toy that DD1 hardly played with and DD2 probably won't either.

[karstmama]

i used to save stuff i might use 'later'.

then i realized that i wouldn't be able to find it, or i'd want a new one anyway, or i'd have forgotten i have it, or the new ones have better features, etc. now i'm pretty much a purger.

'someday' won't really come. and i'd rather have the space than the clutter.

[Lupe]

have the same issue, and I end up being a nag, which is not good for any relationship and makes DH hold on to stuff even more.
He holds on to magazines and newspapers for 2-3 years because he is going to read them, recently got into a fight because I told him please do not keep anything older than one year, and he hated to have an "arbitrary limit", I am very tempted to throw away some, will he really notice if the august 2008 new Yorker went missing?

[lizzywednesday]

Sometimes I think I over-purge, but with stuff like clothing that takes up a lot of room, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

I've gained weight, changed styles or realized that "cute" top/skirt/skort was really junky ... so a lot of my closet ends up in the trash.

The only thing that got to me when I tried to do my last purge was DH convincing me to keep 2 dresses I will probably never wear again. I just want a good place to donate them because there's no way I'm going to be a size 8 or 10 any time soon.