Update! Do I bring the forgotten karate uniforms to school or not?

[cmo]

In the morning, I threw the bag in the car as I was taking my youngest to preschool. I was still on the fence about bringing it in, but wanted to leave the door open. As it turned out, I finished my errands early and my route home was right past the school, so I dropped it off. DS was at lunch, so I did not see him when I dropped it. When we all got home this afternoon, we had a good discussion about responsibility, and brainstormed about how we could do better in the future. The kids came up with a pretty good plan, I think/hope, so we shall see how it goes! On their own, they suggested that I not bring the uniform, should it happen again. :-)

Thanks everyone, for the food for thought!


Not sure if I should bail out my kids on this rainy day, or maybe let a lesson be learned! My older two kids, DD age 8, and DS almost 7, take karate after school every Friday (and have done this since September). They bring their uniforms, and change into them after school in the gym. Both of their uniforms are stored in the same bag, and they take turns bringing it to school, keeping it with their backpack until after school. It was DDs turn to bring the bag today, and I reminded her twice this morning. I was upstairs when they left for school (DH took them today), and of course I get a call 5 minutes later saying they forgot the bag. The penalty for forgetting your uniform is 10 pushups and a lap around the gym, but you still get to participate in class in your street clothes.

My dilemma is this: it was DDs turn to bring the bag, so DS would have to take the penalty even though it wasn't his fault. He is a sensitive boy and would probably cry or at least be upset. On the other hand, we have been talking a lot at home about being responsible. This is the first time the bag has been forgotten.

I have until about 2:30 to decide. WWYD?

[Green_Tea]

I vote that you let them do the push ups and lap around the gym. Three reminders is plenty, and they will not be denied the opportunity to participate.

[Octobermommy]

If you want to teach a lesson I would bring the uniform to ds because it was not his responsibility. I don't think penalizing him for his sisters mistake is a good thing to do.

[hillview]

For me the question is are they old enough for this responsibility if they are then they deal with the consequences. If they are not then it was DH's responsibility and you are bailing him out. My kids are younger so I can't quite tell if they are old enough.
/hillary

[bubbaray]

I vote that you let them do the push ups and lap around the gym. Three reminders is plenty, and they will not be denied the opportunity to participate.


:yeahthat:

[SnuggleBuggles]

If you want to teach a lesson I would bring the uniform to ds because it was not his responsibility. I don't think penalizing him for his sisters mistake is a good thing to do.

:yeahthat:

Only reason not to bring both is maybe ds will get on his sister's case in the future to make sure she doesn't forget it.

Beth

[crl]

I guess I am a softie. I forget things, even when reminded. Since this is the first time, I think I would take them both. I might have the child who forgot help me fold some laundry or help with another chore because she took up my time and now I need help getting my work done.

Catherine

[american_mama]

I've had similar situations of whether to bail one child who has forgotten something that I repeatedly reminded them to take, and I sometimes don't know what to do. I'd vote for letting them both take the penalty. Your DS doesn't deserve it, but it won't kill him and he may exert pressure in the future for your DD to be more mindful. They may see themselves more as a team and realize that forgetfulness affects not only them, but a sibling who continuously gives them grief about it, and that too is one of the reasons to be responsible - to not aggravate others.

I'd also decide and tell them how you will handle this in the future because it will probably happen again.

But, I can be a bit of a softie and might also bring the uniform to DS so that he's not penalized.

[egoldber]

I guess I am a softie. I forget things, even when reminded. Since this is the first time, I think I would take them both.

:yeahthat:

Me too. I guess in the chaos of our morning routine, things easily get forgotten. I know my DH is often guilty of pushing the kids out the door without necessarily giving them a chance to do that last minute check. And there are certainly plenty of times DH or I has forgotten something for ourselves and we've had to bail each other out. Not everything has to be a lesson. But OTOH it is good fro kids sometimes to experience the woes of a forgotten homework assignment, a forgotten project, and to realize it's not that big of a deal.

So I guess I don't think it really matters. If you help them out this time I don't think you're destined to make them chronic offenders. But if you don't then it's not a big deal either.

[DietCokeLover]

I would take the uniform to DS. He was not the responsible party. And then, next week.... I'd have two separate bags for each uniform then from there on out they are accountable for their own things.

[ha98ed14]

:yeahthat:

I think if you bring the uniform to one, you must bring it to both. Only bringing DS' seems rather cruel to DD even tho it was her fault. It's just too overt of a rejection of her in contrast to the act of love you would be giving DS by bringing his uniform. But after this, let them each bring their own uniforms and never be the delivery boy again. Have a conversation with them tonight. Maybe think about getting them bigger bookbags (LLBean Deluxe has 2 compartments) so they don't have to remember a separate bag.

[babyonway]

I think if you bring the uniform to one, you must bring it to both. Only bringing DS' seems rather cruel to DD even tho it was her fault. It's just too overt of a rejection of her in contrast to the act of love you would be giving DS by bringing his uniform. But after this, let them each bring their own uniforms and never be the delivery boy again. Have a conversation with them tonight. Maybe think about getting them bigger bookbags (LLBean Deluxe has 2 compartments) so they don't have to remember a separate bag.


:yeahthat:

[hbridge]

As the parent of a forgetful 7y.o. I would still vote to bring the uniforms to both children IF this is the first time they forgot. In the future seperate bags would be a better solution so each child is responsible for their own stuff. Also, they need a little reminder of what WOULD have happened today if you had not "bailed them out".

Of course, this also assumes that you CAN bring in the stuff without losing work hours, ect. If it is terribly inconvient, let them suffer the consequences and discuss it this evening.

However, I think seperate bags are a must. It teaches them each responsiblity and there is no discussion about "who's week it is". Getting something that they can stuff in their backpacks would be the best solution...

[caleymama]

I guess I am a softie. I forget things, even when reminded. Since this is the first time, I think I would take them both. I might have the child who forgot help me fold some laundry or help with another chore because she took up my time and now I need help getting my work done.

Catherine

I like this idea - it can be a teachable moment for your DD without being a true punishment.



Me too. I guess in the chaos of our morning routine, things easily get forgotten. I know my DH is often guilty of pushing the kids out the door without necessarily giving them a chance to do that last minute check. And there are certainly plenty of times DH or I has forgotten something for ourselves and we've had to bail each other out. Not everything has to be a lesson. But OTOH it is good fro kids sometimes to experience the woes of a forgotten homework assignment, a forgotten project, and to realize it's not that big of a deal.

So I guess I don't think it really matters. If you help them out this time I don't think you're destined to make them chronic offenders. But if you don't then it's not a big deal either.

:yeahthat:

I would probably take it, just because I don't think it's that big of a deal. Since it's the first time since September and it's not too big of a hassle to take the uniforms over, I would just drop them off. It doesn't sound to me that your DD has an issue with regularly forgetting them. If that was the case I'd be more inclined to use this as a punitive lesson. With my DDs, I find that they have a lot to keep track of on any given day - homework, backpack, water bottle, snack, lunch, jacket, gloves, hat, Girl Scout bag, snow boots, snack for Girl Scouts or after school activity.... things are forgotten and unless it really seems deliberate or because they were truly goofing off, I'm happy to help them out.

[TwinFoxes]

:yeahthat:

I think if you bring the uniform to one, you must bring it to both. Only bringing DS' seems rather cruel to DD even tho it was her fault. It's just too overt of a rejection of her in contrast to the act of love you would be giving DS by bringing his uniform. But after this, let them each bring their own uniforms and never be the delivery boy again. Have a conversation with them tonight. Maybe think about getting them bigger bookbags (LLBean Deluxe has 2 compartments) so they don't have to remember a separate bag.

:yeahthat:

I am also in the it's not a big deal whether you bring it one time or not. I'm a forgetter, and my mom WOH so if I forgot something it was too bad for me. But I still often have to drive back home after forgetting my purse or cell.

Learning consequences is important, so I understand why you don't want to take them the uniforms. But it just seems too mean to not take DDs to her if you're going anyway. I'd do neither or both.

[Dream]

I think if you bring the uniform to one, you must bring it to both. Only bringing DS' seems rather cruel to DD even tho it was her fault. It's just too overt of a rejection of her in contrast to the act of love you would be giving DS by bringing his uniform. But after this, let them each bring their own uniforms and never be the delivery boy again. Have a conversation with them tonight. Maybe think about getting them bigger bookbags (LLBean Deluxe has 2 compartments) so they don't have to remember a separate bag.

:yeahthat:

[bubbaray]

Maybe think about getting them bigger bookbags (LLBean Deluxe has 2 compartments) so they don't have to remember a separate bag.


LLB Deluxe is adult sized. I have one, its HUGE on me. No way could my nearly 7yo use it.

I put swimming stuff into a gym sack (drawcord kind) and they stuff it into their backpacks. There is also a separate clip on the outside of the backpack so that they can stuff the swim stuff into the backpack and clip the lunch box onto the outside. We are currently using the LE Featherweight 100 backpack and lunch box and REALLY love it.

[justlearning]

It sounds like you're desiring to teach them responsibility, which is why you're even considering not taking them the uniforms.

However, here are a few things that come to mind when reading your post:

(1) You're setting up a situation that doesn't involve individual personal responsibility. If you wanted to teach that, you would give them individual bags instead of having them share a joint bag. I think that taking turns with the bag could make it much more difficult for them to remember when it's their turn. It's already something that only happens once a week and then to have to remember every other week that it's their turn would be challenging for an adult (I know my DH would flunk that test!) let alone a child.

(2) You're already setting up a situation that involves them relying upon an adult to be reminded to take the bag. You said that you reminded her twice this morning. So that situation is likely to make them dependent on an adult to ensure that the bag is taken. In this morning's situation, your DH failed to ensure that. If you're truly wanting to teach them personal responsibility, then they would have a chart somewhere that would remind them to take their karate bags every Friday, then you wouldn't say anything about it.

(3) Having said all that, I think that 7 and 8 is young to be trying to enforce consequences for forgetting the bag, especially considering what I've said above and also considering that it's a weekly event rather than a daily event like taking homework/backpack to school.

So if I were in your shoes, I'd take them the bag this time and then figure out what you're really wanting to teach them by having them be responsible for the bag and then change the way that you structure the situation so that any negative consequences in the future (not taking them the bag) would be more appropriate. For starters, I'd definitely get them separate bags.

[Cuckoomamma]

I would bring the uniforms to school. If you don't, the only lesson that I feel that they learn is that you wouldn't help them out if you could. It's one thing if you can't bring the uniforms, another if you can and choose not to.

I make mistakes all the time and am grateful whenever anyone helps me out. I think that the world is a cold, cold place and they'll learn that they're on their own fast enough. Having a parent choose not to help just underscores how alone most people are. My lack of success in life hasn't been to people helping me out, but the reverse.

[bubbaray]

Having a parent choose not to help just underscores how alone most people are.

There is a fine line between helping out and teaching responsibility, though.

In this case, *I* wouldn't take the bag because the children *will* be able to participate in the class even though they/one forgot the bag. If it were a class where they could not participate without the gear (ie., swimming or dance or ???), I would make an effort to take the bag -- BUT there are many days a week where if they forget something, that is just too bad because I'm in court (and unreachable even in an emergency) and DH is even further away at work downtown. My kids have had to learn to be responsible with what they need for the next day if they want to participate in things. Its just their reality. For the most part, they pack their bags the night before.

[crispychicky]

I would probably bring in their uniforms for them. However, if it's the nth time they've forgotten them, then let them do push ups!

Why isn't each child responsible for their own uniform?? Make each child responsible to bring in their own uniform each week. That way, if they forget, then they deal with the results. Having one child pay for another's mistake isn't very fair.

[sarahsthreads]

I would probably bring in their uniforms for them. However, if it's the nth time they've forgotten them, then let them do push ups!

Why isn't each child responsible for their own uniform?? Make each child responsible to bring in their own uniform each week. That way, if they forget, then they deal with the results. Having one child pay for another's mistake isn't very fair.

Yeah, this is what I'd do. I'd bring them this time and then make them each responsible for their own uniform. I would be worried that your DS's sensitivity and likely embarrassment over the consequences of his sister's mistake would make him resent her.

But then again, my oldest is 6 and I'm still packing her whole entire backpack for her every morning, so maybe I'm far too much of a pushover. ;)

Sarah :)

[new_mommy25]

I'm surprised so many parents wouldn't bring the bag. I would. My seven year old sometimes forgets things, even with many reminders.

*I* forget things, even with all my calendars, lists, alerts on my phone...I am super scatter-brained which I get from my Dad, and unfortunately DS has inherited this. The other day I locked my keys in my car and DH came to bail me out. I suppose he could have taught me a lesson and had me catch the bus home or whatever, but then I would be angry. I expected him to bail me out and he did.

The children called 5 minutes after the fact so they did remember. I know that mornings can be kind of hectic in my house (trying to get two kids out the door by myself because DH leaves early), and often I have to run back in because I forgot my purse or something. Things happen. To not deliver the bag, especially to DS, seems mean. This is, after all, the first time it has happened. But I too am a softie. :)

eta: I wouldn't bring the bag if I had to go great lengths at an inconvenience to me, like if I was at work or school, because they can participate without the uniforms. But if I were home or could easily drop them by, I certainly would.

[mikala]

I would make an effort to take the bag -- BUT there are many days a week where if they forget something, that is just too bad because I'm in court (and unreachable even in an emergency) and DH is even further away at work downtown. My kids have had to learn to be responsible with what they need for the next day if they want to participate in things. Its just their reality. For the most part, they pack their bags the night before.

ITA. I also wonder how the responses correlate with how our parents treated situations like this while growing up. Both of my parents worked full time with long commutes and I learned from a very early age that if I forgot something there wasn't a way to get it mid-day. In extreme situations the grandparents could bring something like the costume for the school play but that was really rare. I wasn't thrilled about it at the time but it was a great lesson to learn from an early age and it made me a more responsible person.

My vote is for letting them do class without their uniforms and then talk about it afterwards to see if they would rather carry their own instead of alternating weeks.

[Tondi G]

I would bring the bag for my kids. For the future I would get 2 separate bags and let them each be responsible for their own gear. If DD forgets again then it is her problem (she'll have to do the push ups and running) and her brother won't pay the price for her forgetting the gear.

I have a 9 yr old in 4th grade and I have brought in his trombone a few times this year when he has forgotten it at home. I want him to be able to participate. kids are forgetful, he'll get it figured out. I am an at home mom so if I am able to drop a forgotten instrument/uniform/lunch off at school, then I do it!

[longtallsally05]

I would bring the uniforms to school.

I make mistakes all the time and am grateful whenever anyone helps me out.

I try to remind myself of this when somebody (not a person who is chronically needy b/c of failure to plan) needs my help and it would only be a minor inconvenience for me to help out, but a major problem for them if I don't. When I was in college, my neighbor's teenager rang my doorbell early in the morning b/c she had missed the bus, and her mom was already at work. She didn't want her mom to know she'd overslept (wanted to avoid the lectures about responsiblilty), and she really didn't want to miss school or she'd be in big trouble with mom. Of course, I threw on some clothes, took her to school and it never happened again, no lecture necessary. I can still picture her standing on my doorstep with her violin and that was 15 years ago :-) She was a good kid.

I also like the pp's ideas about taking time to sort out exactly what you want to teach them re: who is responsible for what and the about separate bags for each child. Good luck!

[babyonway]

Thanks for the update, glad it worked out.


On their own, they suggested that I not bring the uniform, should it happen again. :-)



Wow, you have very mature kids!