Why Is This So Difficult For You?

[lizzywednesday]

To be fair, DH was laid off at the beginning of January, so the prospect of spending a lot of $$ to have a party for our soon-to-be-1 y/o DD is (rightfully) viewed as frivolous and pretty unnecessary, but, DAMN IT, I want to have a freaking party. And I don't want to plan it around my in-laws' schedule.

Her birthday is in March. We're looking into venues because our house is simply too small to have an indoor party with everyone I want to invite. Also, my family is huge and interconnected through Facebook, so leaving someone off the guest list would be a major faux pas. Especially since I've been invited to everyone else's kids' parties.

The fire department charges $500 to rent the hall for 3 hours if you want the kitchen. (It's $450 if you don't.)

There are several hotels along major routes ... two of which don't have meeting rooms and two of which want you to pay wedding banquet prices for their spaces.

DH has also made comments to the effect that none of his family will attend if his mom won't be there. (I thought that this would only be the case if the invitations came from MY MOM. Apparently, they're all lame-asses who can't make a move without my MIL.)

WTF?

OK, I know. It's petty.

But, here's the thing:

(1) When I wanted to start planning DD's christening, DH wanted to check with his parents' schedule before we did anything. (Um, what? Are you 15?)

(2) His parents are snowbirds. They are currently in AZ and will not be back until Good Friday. In April.

(3) I am SICK AND TIRED OF PUTTING MY PLANS ON HOLD FOR HIS FRICKING PARENTS!!!!!!

(4) We spend EVERY holiday with his parents, brother, SIL and their kids. I'm sick of it.

(5) His parents' other 3 grandkids have had 1st (or 2nd) birthday parties that included the entire clan, so if we didn't, we would likely be on the outs with them. Not a position I am willing to be in. (SIL only has 1 sibling and her cousins are a lot younger than she is, so they wouldn't feel badly not being included in a toddler's birthday party.)

And, yes, I suppose I could have a smaller get-together at home with just our sibs and DD's first cousins, but my house is STILL too small for that kind of get-together and I know that people would get all huffy if I didn't invite this one or that one.

I just want to have an effing party for my daughter to celebrate the first year of her life. I swear, I won't throw anything as big or elaborate for her until she's 16 ... or even until she's married ... again any time soon.

I just want to have a party.

And he's stonewalling me at ever turn. And I am upset about it.

FWIW, and this is more petty than petty, but my sister, who is perpetually broke because she's always having to clean up after my father's financial irresponsibility (like paying the cable, mortgage, heat/hot water, or other necessary bills) managed to throw a 1st birthday party for my nephew without breaking the bank. She even managed not to kill her BF's family. I am on the verge of strangling him in his sleep. (Because, on top of all this, he has a man-cold.)

Grrrr. I know I am being completely unreasonable and irrational, but after the sh!tstorm of medical cr@p my daughter went through and all the emotional highs and lows I went through, I feel the need to REJOICE in a major way. Why is that so hard???

[gatorsmom]

Your DH is probably stonewalling because he's worried about money. Or not.

If it makes you feel any better, we celebrated our twins' first birthday with family in January. Their birthday was in November. They never knew the difference.

But I do understand your point of view. You have been looking forward to this party. I say plan the way you want, send the invitations, politely accept that not everyone can come, and be thankful for the smaller guest list. :D

[boolady]

I think that part of the problem is that it sounds like you have issues with DH's family separate and apart from this party...spending every holiday with them, it's inconvenient that things have to be planned around them, etc. I get that- in spades. You have no idea, and it's something I struggle with all.the.time. So I feel for you in that regard.

That said, I personally wouldn't plan something major in DD's life, like a christening or first birthday party, without checking to make sure that my parents and my FIL, at a minimum, were able to attend, for DD's sake and in the interests of DD's relationship with them. If they're willing to fly from AZ to come to a party, yeah, I'd check their availability first, because I really can't imagine having a milestone like that w/o DD's grandparents there, no matter how annoying the situation is. I think if you try to look at this one thing in isolation (and I repeat-- I know how difficult it is), it's really not unreasonable. Family any more removed than that? Just pick a date, and whoever can come, can come. DD will have a great time no matter what date you choose.

Of course, I'm also someone who's not opposed to alcohol at a first birthday party, or the night before, or shortly thereafter, as a reasonable way to cope, so I might not be the best person to be giving advice in this regard.

[lizzywednesday]

OK, I have a happier update - DH found a place that's half the price of the firehouse, available on the date we'd like and we can bring food in with no problems.

We still have to budget for it, but it'll be possible. And that makes me happy.

(I know. DD won't care, but I do.)

[crl]

OK, I have a happier update - DH found a place that's half the price of the firehouse, available on the date we'd like and we can bring food in with no problems.

We still have to budget for it, but it'll be possible. And that makes me happy.

(I know. DD won't care, but I do.)

Hey, that is great. And, good for dh, for participating instead of just complaining!

Catherine

[carolinamama]

OK, I have a happier update - DH found a place that's half the price of the firehouse, available on the date we'd like and we can bring food in with no problems.

We still have to budget for it, but it'll be possible. And that makes me happy.

(I know. DD won't care, but I do.)

I've always thought that the first birthday party was more a celebration for the parents (or mother) because you made it through the first year. It's a hard time in your life without all the other stuff (medical, job loss etc) and a celebration, if possible, is certainly called for in my opinion. Glad you will be able to have it. Now make sure YOU enjoy it as much as you can.

[MamaMolly]

OK, I have a happier update - DH found a place that's half the price of the firehouse, available on the date we'd like and we can bring food in with no problems.

We still have to budget for it, but it'll be possible. And that makes me happy.

(I know. DD won't care, but I do.)

Yay! What's your theme? :popc1: Dolly's 1st is coming up and I have to plan ahead. Details! I want details!

[lizzywednesday]

Yay! What's your theme? :popc1: Dolly's 1st is coming up and I have to plan ahead. Details! I want details!

Owls.

Because, despite the fact that I am TERRIFIED of birds, DD loves owls. My brothers think this is hilarious. My husband and his family think it's a sign his deceased grandmother is watching over DD - his grandmother collected owl figurines.

I found an Etsy store with semi-custom invites (she has a template & will add your high-res photo to it & then she e-mails the file to you for your use for about $14) so I can get the number I need without resorting to combining a ton of 8-pack invites.

There are cute giveaways at both Oriental Trading (paint-your-own ceramic owls; pricey at $16/dozen, but I'd only need a few anyway & figure I could paint the rest for decorations) and Birthday Express (small plush stuffed owls at $4/each) that can be used as favors for the handful of kids who will be invited and a whole theme package for paper goods.

I also found instructions for making an owl birthday cake that I might modify to avoid having to use icing in a can ... or I could ask my SIL if her friend who makes cakes would be available to make an owl cake (or cupcakes) for us instead.

I looked at that super-elaborate owl party to get ideas. Some of them I just don't have the time or skill to do, but I do like the idea of the paint-your-own ceramic owls and custom favor bags. There's got to be some owl clip art out there that I could use for stickers!

All we need to do now is whittle down the guest list to closest friends/family (as the room will only hold about 30 people), set a max budget and book the place.

[Edensmum]

I don't think it's unreasonable to check with both sets of parents for scheduling major events in your child's life that they will want to be there for. I do totally get that it can be a PIA. I don't think you need to push it until they are back, you can have it at her birthday, but tell the inlaws that you would love it if they could make the trip to be there, but you understand if they can't. Checking schedules of your parents is not the same as altering things to an unreasonable degree to accommodate them.
I also think that spending all holidays with them is getting to you and it's time to make some more compromises in that area. I would need to too.
FWIW, you can have a nice and small celebration if money is his issue. I had ds's at my moms because we were staying there. Thirteen hours from home. My ILs didn't attend, they were two hours away and didn't come. We were very hurt.

[lizzywednesday]

I've always thought that the first birthday party was more a celebration for the parents (or mother) because you made it through the first year. It's a hard time in your life without all the other stuff (medical, job loss etc) and a celebration, if possible, is certainly called for in my opinion. Glad you will be able to have it. Now make sure YOU enjoy it as much as you can.

Not to sound like I am full of myself, but, I fully admit that this party is totally about me!

If we get the date we've started to look at, it will be especially meaningful - it's the day DD was discharged from the hospital.

[California]

Maybe your ILs can hold their own mini-celebration when they get back, and you do your thing! Congrats on finding a space and picking the theme. Hope you have a lot of fun with the planning.

[lizzywednesday]

(Deleted because it was snarky.)

[AnnieW625]

:grouphug: :hug: as I totally know what you are going through.

I would honestly just call up your MIL and let her know the date that you are having the party, and tell her it would be great if you can attend, but if you can't because you are still in AZ we totally understand.

My in laws are Snowbirds too and even though they are only 5 hrs. from us in Yuma (:shake:, why Yuma? Phoenix or Tucson is much nicer) we usually don't see them until they stop in San Bernardino for a day on their way back to Wyoming. They have made it to to both christenings, and made it for DD1's 2nd birthday which was nice. We were hoping they'd make it for DD1 and DD2's combined family birthday in mid April but since DN's christening has just been scheduled for the last week in March in Sacramento I think they'll just head back to Wyoming and miss another birthday.

[lizzywednesday]

...
I would honestly just call up your MIL and let her know the date that you are having the party, and tell her it would be great if you can attend, but if you can't because you are still in AZ we totally understand. ....

I'm not very good with phone calls, but I could drop her a quick e-mail.

Considering that FIL has a few trips scheduled back here due to commitments for work, I think they might be able to schedule it with enough lead time.

[Twoboos]

I would honestly just call up your MIL and let her know the date that you are having the party, and tell her it would be great if you can attend, but if you can't because you are still in AZ we totally understand.



I agree with this but say it should be your DH doing the calling.

Not everyone can come to every event every time. Especially when they are far away. They can celebrate when they are back. (And as a bonus, this makes the Never Ending Birthday Celebration for DD! I am a big believer in that. :D)

[AnnieW625]

I'm not very good with phone calls, but I could drop her a quick e-mail.

Considering that FIL has a few trips scheduled back here due to commitments for work, I think they might be able to schedule it with enough lead time.

I have never once picked up the phone just to call my in laws to chat or to mention a date to them in the 8 yrs. we've been married, but have done the email thing; most of the time MIL will email DH and DH will let me know, but if you have good email communication with your MIL then just do that.


I agree with this but say it should be your DH doing the calling.

Not everyone can come to every event every time. Especially when they are far away. They can celebrate when they are back. (And as a bonus, this makes the Never Ending Birthday Celebration for DD! I am a big believer in that. :D)

I think the issue was her DH and feeling like he had to call everytime to get it approved before it was actually scheduled so that is why I suggested she call first with a date. Sometimes guys just don't get that. My DH can be that way too. I also think IIRC that the OP's baby was born in early March and Easter this year is in late April so I think it's a good month to six weeks after her DD turns 1 so I would feel the same way about celebrating a birthday that long after the original date, kwim?