How bad would it be

[salsah]

if i didn't do anything for my almost 6 yr old dd? she is so ungrateful, always wants us to do everything for her and whines and complains when we don't. even with simple things that she can and should do herself. and she refuses to help us with anything unless she is competing to be more helpful than her sister. she only does things to get credit for doing it.

today at dinner she asked me to get a glass of milk for her. i told her that she could get it. she threw a fit and said that i have to get it and that she hates that i never do anything for her and make her do everything, etc. (which is obviously not true).

i lost it because i am so sick of her being ungrateful (and rude and lacking empathy). we have talked about this before, this isn't new. (she hit me once and refused to apologize so i stopped talking to her. when it was time for dinner, i served for myself and for dd2 but not for her. i left everything out where she could serve herself. instead, she threw a fit about me not doing it until she realized that i didn't do it because i was upset with her for hitting me. then she said "mommy, i'm sorry! get me my dinner!" that same thing happened again another time. she only apologized when she realized that she needed me.)

so i'm thinking of leaving her for a day or two, to do everything herself. would that make me a bad mom?

[crl]

I once made ds make his own lunch to take to Kindergarten because I was sick and tired of him complaining about what was in it. . . .it actually worked. He made his lunch that day and he stopped complaining. :shrug:

Catherine

[ladysoapmaker]

No it doesn't make you a bad mother. It makes you a mother at the end of her rope. And it sounds like you and your DD need retraining to start responding better and that's the hard part. and having her take care of her things for a few days is a good start.

Good luck,
Jen

[Indianamom2]

Oh, I've been there with DD, (also 6). Whining at dinnertime is what puts me over the edge. After I've fixed something that she "should" like and would if she would try, I will often tell her that if she wants something else, she'll have to fix it herself.

We've done it enough that sometimes she'll just offer to fix her own sandwich now.

I don't think it's a bad thing to do for a short amount of time in order to teach a lesson. In fact, I think with some kids, it's one of the best ways to get your point across.

Good luck!

[doberbrat]

I think its fine as long as its stuff she can already do for herself. - ie, she should have clean laundry, be able to safely reach stuff to eat etc.

I've been telling dd1 since she was an infant - I do not entertain demands. I would not have served her dinner based on the "Get me my dinner"

sometimes though, we have to give a little to get a little - some nights, when we have an awful dinner or evening, I'll go into dd1's room for some snuggle time and we talk about how the interaction made us feel. How the interaction broke down she did this and I got angry - which made her feel x etc and we both resolve to try to do better the next time.

the whiney demanding phase certainly puts me over the edge sometimes.

[MamaMolly]

I once got the advice that I should do nothing for my child that she can do for herself. It was good advice but I must admit I'm bad about listening to it myself. :bag I can see how not making your child do for themselves could backfire on anyone.

My mom did *everything* for us until she went back to work and school when were tweens. Then she threw a perpetual hissy fit about how we didn't do anything to help out. So seeing it from both ends, the answer is NO, I don't think it is bad at all to let your DD do for herself. It might work better (cause less friction from her) if you can approach it from the angle of you *letting* her do things vs. her feeling like you are just ignoring her.

I still remember my mom letting us use two paring knives and how big a deal it was when she moved them into a drawer we could reach. On the flip side, my stepmom had the nurturing skills of housefly and my step sister could do her own laundry, start to finish, at age 4. She used a 4 rung step ladder so she could reach inside the washing machine. It was unreal.

[belovedgandp]

From the parent of a similarly whiny just turned 7 year old, I say go for it. I also recommend the book "You're Not the Boss of Me: Brat-proofing Your Four- to Twelve-Year-Old Child" by Betsy Brown Braun - I just finished it. A little repetitive in some areas, but had some good insights as I enter a new phase of parenting.

[bisous]

I don't see any problem with that at all. I'm happy to hear it is a universal thing--DS certainly went through/is going through this kind of attitude!

I love what MamaMolly said about anything they can do on their own they should. I DEFINITELY haven't instituted this policy. It would be life changing for sure!

[ha98ed14]

On the flip side, my stepmom had the nurturing skills of housefly and my step sister could do her own laundry, start to finish, at age 4. She used a 4 rung step ladder so she could reach inside the washing machine. It was unreal.

Could I have her number? I am continually buried under laundry.

[maestramommy]

I once got the advice that I should do nothing for my child that she can do for herself. It was good advice but I must admit I'm bad about listening to it myself. :bag I can see how not making your child do for themselves could backfire on anyone.

REALLY trying to do this as my 3.5 yo, who is the original, "*I* do it!!" child, suddenly needs help with everything, because she thinks she has no hands or feet or brain:p We finally decided that the things we really know she can do, she has to do, so we dangle an incentive, like a chore. Typically a convo goes like this:

Arwyn: Want watch TV!
Me: Hang up your coat and put away your shoes first.
Arwyn: I caaaaan't!
Me: yes you can.
Arwyn: I need Heeeeeelp!
Me: yes, I will help you (lie coat on the floor)
Arwyn: I cannnnn't (while using only one hand:rolleye0014:, like the other one is broken?)
Me: yes, you can, hold it up with your other hand
Arwyn: Aaaaarrrrgh! (But she does it). I did it!
Me: That's right.......

I have to listen to a lot of whining, which is in generous supply already, but there are days when I am DONE waiting on my kids hand and foot. The only one that gets this treatment is the baby.

[pb&j]

Neither child gets anything they ask for unless they make the request w/o whining, and with the appropriate polite words. It's just how it is with us. I spend a lot of time saying, "I will get your milk when you say 'May I please have some milk.'" They must also ask to be excused from the table if they want to leave before everyone is finished eating.

Manners are non-negotiable. The kids aren't perfect about it (lots and lots and lots of reminders), and DH and I are not perfect about enforcing, but the expectation is crystal clear.

If DS asks for something that he can get himself, if he's asked politely, I might get it for him if I can, or if I'm not in the middle of my meal, but otherwise he's reminded that he can get it, or he can do without. DD is in the "I do it myself" stage, so it's not an issue with her.

We are very easygoing parents, but this is one area where we are both pretty strict. We both used to work for the airlines and saw firsthand that nasty, demanding people get their bags routed to Siberia, and polite people get bumped to first class. A fine life lesson. :)

[Melanie]

Neither child gets anything they ask for unless they make the request w/o whining, and with the appropriate polite words. It's just how it is with us. I spend a lot of time saying, "I will get your milk when you say 'May I please have some milk.'" They must also ask to be excused from the table if they want to leave before everyone is finished eating.

Manners are non-negotiable. The kids aren't perfect about it (lots and lots and lots of reminders), and DH and I are not perfect about enforcing, but the expectation is crystal clear.

If DS asks for something that he can get himself, if he's asked politely, I might get it for him if I can, or if I'm not in the middle of my meal, but otherwise he's reminded that he can get it, or he can do without.

:yeahthat:


We both used to work for the airlines and saw firsthand that nasty, demanding people get their bags routed to Siberia, and polite people get bumped to first class. A fine life lesson. :)

:rotflmao:

[maestramommy]

Neither child gets anything they ask for unless they make the request w/o whining, and with the appropriate polite words. It's just how it is with us. I spend a lot of time saying, "I will get your milk when you say 'May I please have some milk.'" They must also ask to be excused from the table if they want to leave before everyone is finished eating.

Manners are non-negotiable. The kids aren't perfect about it (lots and lots and lots of reminders), and DH and I are not perfect about enforcing, but the expectation is crystal clear.

If DS asks for something that he can get himself, if he's asked politely, I might get it for him if I can, or if I'm not in the middle of my meal, but otherwise he's reminded that he can get it, or he can do without. DD is in the "I do it myself" stage, so it's not an issue with her.

We are very easygoing parents, but this is one area where we are both pretty strict. We both used to work for the airlines and saw firsthand that nasty, demanding people get their bags routed to Siberia, and polite people get bumped to first class. A fine life lesson. :)

Very nice! We're not perfect about enforcing either, not by a long shot. I also need to start making them ask to be excused. Right now they just push away from the table with, "I'm all done!"

[BeachBum]

No, I don't think it's unreasonable for a 6 yr old to do things like that for herself. My 5 yr old does. But...I don't think you should do a total hands off either. I would suggest that you just lovingly enforce the typical....and focus on the manners.
In some ways your post made me think of "love languages" and one is "acts of service"...ie doing things for someone is how you either show or feel love. For example, my dad still checks the air in my tires and my oil when I stop over to visit. It's how he shows he loves me...
Perhaps your daughter is wanting your attention or love--but showing her need in an ugly way?

[egoldber]

In some ways your post made me think of "love languages" and one is "acts of service"...

I was thinking the same thing. For my older DD, acts of service is very much her love langauge. It's mine too, so I get that. But I also totally get how frustrating it is when they whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.............. . :hug: