sad about the gender that never was?

[MacMacMoo]

Not sure I worded that right. I tried asking DH last night and he kind looked at me like a was crazy and said it must be a hormones thing.

But the short and simple question is: When you found out the baby's gender (be it at the ultrasound or at birth) did you feel a little sad over the gender that wasn't?

Background long winded version: With DS1, I didn't care one way or other, okay i think I was leaning towards a boy. With Matthew, once again didn't care one way or other. Found out it was a boy and was happy.

But with this one, the ultrasound is in two weeks and we plan to find out the gender and I feel that no matter the answer I'm going to be a bit sad about not getting the other one. If we have a girl, a be a little bit sad it wasn't a boy. If it were a boy, I'd be a little sad it wasn't a girl.

Is it "normal" to feel like this? Or should I be making an appointment with the midwives' in-office psychologist?

[♥ms.pacman♥]

:hug: i think it's completely normal to have some disappointment either way. when i found out DC#2 was a girl i was really happy and i was over the moon (still am). but then part of me (and DH too) felt sad that we weren't going to have two boys. especially DH who has one younger brother (2 yrs younger) and always talked about how they were so close and did everything together, shared bunk beds, and we had been thinking we would do the same if DS had a younger brother. the other thing was, at this point we've mostly decided to stop at 2 kids, and so now whenever i put my DS's outgrown baby clothes away, i feel very sad that we won't get to use them again. so i totally get the feeling. i think it's totally normal.

[ohsara430]

I think it's normal. We didn't find out the gender with our first but when she was a girl I was a little sad it wasn't a boy. I mean not crying about it or anything, I love DD and was excited to have a girl but I guess more nervous maybe we'd never have a boy...idk hard to put my finger on exactly what the feeling was/is.

[larig]

DH and I knew we were going to have one and only one. No matter what gender our child was, I KNOW I would have had to grieve for the boy/girl I was not going to have. In my case, I grieved for the dresses I'd never get to sew, secrets we girls would never share, etc. I think it's totally normal, and in no way diminished the excitement I felt about the boy I did have. He is truly my sunshine.

ETA: I actually chose to find the gender before the birth so that I would have time to go through this process. I won't lie, I cried, even though I was thrilled to be having a boy. YKWIM?

[kijip]

I think it is normal. But of course, it doesn't last long. We were disappointed for in that first moment during the ultrasound, but then got very excited and happy and of course, we could not imagine having it any other way than 2 boys.

[daisymommy]

I was absolutely positive that #1 was going to be a girl. Until the ultrasound. Then I about fell off the table, asked them to check it two more times, and then proceeded to cry for a week over it :o.

I love my DS to death! So glad I have an older brother to be the protector of the younger ones as they grow up. But it was an adjustment to make mentally. Totally normal I think.

One thing that really helped me was to go shopping for the cutest boy things I could find, and hang them up all around the house to look at and help me process, get used to the idea. I was very ready to meet my little boy once he was born :)

[carolinamama]

I think it is totally normal. We have two boys and I have ALWAYS wanted a daughter, even before kids. Just had my level II u/s yesterday and found out #3 is a girl. It's what I wanted and hoped for, but some part of me felt a sadness that I would never have a little baby boy again. Unless some alien took over my body and decided for me that I needed 4 kids. :p Don't get me wrong, I am over-the-moon excited to be having a healthy baby girl but I think it is normal to feel a slight void there too.

Best wishes for your u/s.

[hillview]

normal and it passes
/hillary

[MoJo]

Totally normal, and I wouldn't see a psych unless you were having ongoing feelings of sadness.

I'm another one who likes finding out the gender at the U/S, in part to have time to adjust mentally.

FWIW, we wanted a boy for number 2, and got a girl. I'd say it took me a few weeks to get over it, and DH a few months (because he wanted a boy a lot more than I did for several reasons.) It didn't help that nearly everyone I'm close to was disappointed that Ha was a girl. But, by the time she was born, I was more attached to her than my first.

[scrooks]

I agree with totally normal. I had a feeling very early on with DS that he was a he but when the ultrasound finally confirmed it I was really sad that DD wasn't getting a sister. Once he was born, I fell completely in love and can't imagine if he had been a she. He is the sweetest little guy ever!

[elliput]

:hug::hug::hug: I'm also going to say it's a totally normal feeling, and that it's okay to mourn the loss of what could have been.

[Puddy73]

Yes, every time, but particularly with DD2 because she will be the last. I wasn't sad about having a girl, just a little wistful about never having another boy.

[BabyMine]

Totally normal and don't feel bad for feeling that way. With #1 I kinda wanted a girl because I had NO idea about raising a boy or boy parts. When I had him I got comfortable quickly and was fine. Then we found out we were pregnant with #2. I could have sworn I was pregnant with a little girl. I knew this was our last child and when I found out it was a boy I was sad. I really wanted a little girl to do the things I grew up doing with my mom. I mourned the life I thought I would have with a daughter. What helped is that I remember myself as a hormonal teenager and wonder how she survived. I couldn't be happier with the 2 boys I have now but I would be lying if I told you I didn't still wonder and get a little sad.

[MSWR0319]

This is one of the reasons I didn't want to find out what we were having. I figured if I found out at delivery I wouldn't have time to be overly upset about it. I'm glad DS was a boy but if I had found out he was a boy beforehand I would have been upset he wasn't a girl. If we have another one I'm afraid if we find out Earl I'll either be sad it wasn't a girl because I'll never have one or sad it wasn't a boy because DS won't have a brother. So I thi k it's totally normal to be a little sad.

[amm40]

I absolutely agree with everyone who has said it's normal, and want to add that in my opinion this is the reason I'm glad we don't get to pick! I would never stop second guessing that choice...

[larig]

I absolutely agree with everyone who has said it's normal, and want to add that in my opinion this is the reason I'm glad we don't get to pick! I would never stop second guessing that choice...

Wow, I can't imagine having to make that decision. That would be impossible.

[veronica]

It is completely normal. I am still struggling this time. There are boards out there for gender disappointment and it is a common feeling for a lot of parents.

Both DH and I wanted a little girl and our first was a DD. For our second, we would have been fine with another girl but were totally open to experiencing the joys of a boy. We did find out early and it was a boy and we were totally fine.

Going for #3, we wanted to make sure that it was a third child and not another girl was what we wanted. When we decided that, we went for #3. We soon found out it was twins and the chances of one being a girl are pretty high (75%), so we were kind of excited. We found out we are having two boys and it has been very tough for me. It's one thing to adjust to the thought of having twins, especially when we were financially ready for only one more at this time. but, mourning the thought of not experiencing a baby girl has been extremely hard for me. I only thought I would ever have one child and continue with my career. Now, we are here , soon to have 4DC's and have contemplated #5 already......

Hugs to you momma. Take whatever time you need to adjust and remember that your feelings are ok.