Strange nanny behavior or acceptable??

[new_mom_mry]

Hi, as a first time mom I need some advice here regarding our nanny. I returned to work 3 weeks ago and hired her to watch our son full time (8-5pm). She was an attractive candidate from the start because she has a bachelor's in child development and lots of experience with infants. My husband (being an engineer) from the start that he wants to install a nanny cam in our house. Then fast forward to when I went back to work--we never materialized that plan because both of us felt that we trust her. We've asked her to take pictures and videos of cool stuff DS does during the day, which she often does for us. She also texts me throughout the day telling me when she is feeding him, how much he ate, other relevant tidbits...

Yesterday I came home half an hour earlier (she had no idea I would show up early). When I walked in, I saw that DS was sitting on her lap, and she was typing something onto her phone, presumably texting, don't think she has a smart phone). She nonchalantly put it aside right away, and proceeded with the usual "mommy is here...look who is here"

DS was in a great mood when I came home and he woke up from a nap a little while ago. So the reason why this is bugging me, is because my expectation is that when he is in a good mood, he should be in the gym, bouncer, read to, or engaged in some sort of activity. When he gets cranky, which he does at this age when he is done playing and wants to nap, it's completely acceptable to put him on her lap, rock him to sleep, etc...but why was she simply sitting on the couch with him when he had the energy to play?? I didn't ask her about this naturally because it felt awkward and because I know they play a lot normally (according to her, and according to the pictures she takes).

Are my expectations reasonable (i.e., quick texting is only ok when he is sleeping or winding down but not during prime play time)? Should we install a nanny cam? I am terrified that given my high standards, if I see something that I don't like on the nanny cam, I will feel a lot of dissonance, and I can't conceivably imagine going through another nanny search! What should I do? Thanks!

[mommy111]

I would say if this is the only sign that you have seen, that I would not think twice about it. It may well be that she got an important text from someone while she was holding DS for some reason and felt the need to respond. If she were ignoring DS, it would be a lot easier for her to place him in the playpen and be texting away without a baby in her lap. Your nanny's behavior would totally not ring off any alarm bells with me, quite honestly.

[twowhat?]

I dunno, I wouldn't give it a second thought. But that's just me. It's hard work keeping an infant engaged 100% of the time, and I would have no problem with a nanny taking quick breaks like this throughout the day. I feel like she was just sitting down typing out a quick text, and probably would have gotten up in a couple minutes. He was in her lap, which is a good thing. Worse would be him in a bouncy chair and her sitting on the couch texting. And with all other signs pointing towards her being a great nanny, I wouldn't have been concerned at all.

However, if it will make you feel better, a nanny cam wouldn't hurt - unless your expectations are so high that little things like this would really bug you to the point of it becoming a problem.

[weech]

Personally, I wouldn't be concerned. My kid sits on my lap plenty when he has the energy to play, but I like to spend time with him and cuddle. I have been known to grab my phone and read an email between hugs and kisses, too! :bag If you feel that strongly about it, remind her what your feelings are on the issue, and let it be. Pop in early a few more times or have a family member or DH do that as well to see how the day is going. It's my feeling that if I need to install a nanny cam, I need a new nanny.

[BabyBearsMom]

If my child seemed happy and I didn't think she was spending the whole time texting, I would worry about it (i.e. this was just a brief once and a while thing). I think it is nice that she is holding him and not just leaving him in some bouncer. I think little ones need lots of cuddles, not just during cranky/sleepy time.

[WolfpackMom]

I wouldnt be remotely concerned.

[arivecchi]

I dunno, I wouldn't give it a second thought. But that's just me. It's hard work keeping an infant engaged 100% of the time, and I would have no problem with a nanny taking quick breaks like this throughout the day. I feel like she was just sitting down typing out a quick text, and probably would have gotten up in a couple minutes. He was in her lap, which is a good thing. Worse would be him in a bouncy chair and her sitting on the couch texting. And with all other signs pointing towards her being a great nanny, I wouldn't have been concerned at all.:yeahthat:

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I dunno, I wouldn't give it a second thought. But that's just me. It's hard work keeping an infant engaged 100% of the time, and I would have no problem with a nanny taking quick breaks like this throughout the day. I feel like she was just sitting down typing out a quick text, and probably would have gotten up in a couple minutes. He was in her lap, which is a good thing. Worse would be him in a bouncy chair and her sitting on the couch texting. And with all other signs pointing towards her being a great nanny, I wouldn't have been concerned at all.

However, if it will make you feel better, a nanny cam wouldn't hurt - unless your expectations are so high that little things like this would really bug you to the point of it becoming a problem.

:yeahthat:

i agree with all of this. it is really, really hard to keep an infant engaged 100% of the time, and it only gets harder when they get older. i'm having a hard time doing it with my son. throughout the day while playing with my son i take breaks to check facebook on my ipod or send a text. our nanny sometimes does that too. i don't think there's anything wrong with that at all.

and yeah, u could get a nanny cam, but if little things like this bother you so much, it may make things worse if it makes you feel like you have to analyze everything the nanny does and if it makes you second-guess your choice in a nanny.

i also agree with PP, that i'd rather have the nanny holding the baby rather than the baby left in the bouncer or whatever.

[new_mom_mry]

thanks everyone for the reassurance!!! I wish someone could pop in on her more often, but DH and I both work 40 min away from home. I just wish DS was older and could tell me about their day himself!!! At what age can they start doing that reliably...?? :)

[elektra]

I don't think your expectations are reasonable.
I think things like no tv are fine, but a quick important phone call, text or even looking at a magazine while the kids are playing is totally fine in my book. And she was holding your DS, not ignoring him.
I would not install a nanny cam over that.
You should do more pop ins if you are still feeling uneasy. It's hard to trust your child with someone else, but seriously, from what you have described that is not strange or inappropriate behavior at all.

[lchang25000]

I wouldnt be remotely concerned.

:yeahthat:

[hillview]

I wouldn't worry about it. If you see other behavior that is concerning then I'd worry. DS1 spent his whole first year with a nanny who seemed to have a phone stapled to her hand. OTOH DS was happy with her and always stimulated (that girl walked everywhere in the city with him and had 2 play dates a day it seemed like) and so in the grand scheme of things the fact that she texted a lot wasn't an issue.

[edurnemk]

thanks everyone for the reassurance!!! I wish someone could pop in on her more often, but DH and I both work 40 min away from home. I just wish DS was older and could tell me about their day himself!!! At what age can they start doing that reliably...?? :)

I agree with all the PP's.

As far as when he'll be able to tell you details about his day, probably 2.5 yo. And even then they don0t give too much details every time.

[twowhat?]

I agree with all the PP's.

As far as when he'll be able to tell you details about his day, probably 2.5 yo. And even then they don0t give too much details every time.

:yeahthat: but you will be able to TELL if he likes his nanny far sooner than that!!

[Edensmum]

I think your expectations are really odd in my opinion. I don't mean that as an insult but just maybe I'm not getting it. I would always prefer my kids to be held than in some bouncer or something. Constant engaging can over stimulate and if you are non-stop playing with an infant or child they don't learn to find joy in playing themselves. They need a little awake down time and being held promotes brain growth. It's good to show up when not expected, but I can't even fathom this making my radar unless there is much more to it.

[AngelaS]

I would far prefer to catch someone holding and interacting with my baby than ignoring them while they're in a bouncer or play gym. I think you're overreacting.

[new_mom_mry]

I think part of the issue is how much we are paying her. For example, I used to live in Madison, WI when I was in graduate school...I am sure had I settled there, nanny care would have been pretty cheap, especially with the abundance of college student labor, etc. Where we live in NorCal, nannies are $$$, so because we are paying her so much money, I have very high expectations. I used to text quite a bit when I was watching DS for the first three months, but now that I am paying someone to watch him, I expect her not to do that excessively because this is her job. Had we been paying her a modest amount or an average amount, I would probably expect less from her.

Also, knowing DS's personality, I know that his prime time for playing is when he is alert, and that's when I do tummy time with him, read to him, talk to him, etc...I don't see why he should be playing by himself to learn how to be independent when he already does some of that when I come home and have to wash bottles...prepare bottles....etc...

I do appreciate everyone's feedback though! It's making me think that I shouldn't be worried.

[jacksmomtobe]

As other posters have said I think your expectations are not reasonable. You saw a snip it of what occurred that day. I think it is a good sign that she was holding him not having him occupied elsewhere while she sat around texting. I hate when I see nannies texting instead of watching kids however you do not know the full situation on what occurred and could be judging her based on an unusual occurrence. It seems like otherwise she is doing a great job. It's hard to pay attention to a child 100% of the time. Not sure if your child will go to a local park when the weather gets nicer but that is a good place for a friend to observe how the nanny really treats your child. This could give you some general reassurance rather than having a nanny cam & picking apart her every action.

[luckytwenty]

I'm always happy when I pick up my son at daycare and see him one one of his teachers' laps. I wouldn't worry...but if you are worrying, maybe you should do the nannycam. You need to feel good about the childcare situation.

[rin]

I think part of the issue is how much we are paying her. For example, I used to live in Madison, WI when I was in graduate school...I am sure had I settled there, nanny care would have been pretty cheap, especially with the abundance of college student labor, etc. Where we live in NorCal, nannies are $$$, so because we are paying her so much money, I have very high expectations. I used to text quite a bit when I was watching DS for the first three months, but now that I am paying someone to watch him, I expect her not to do that excessively because this is her job. Had we been paying her a modest amount or an average amount, I would probably expect less from her.

Also, knowing DS's personality, I know that his prime time for playing is when he is alert, and that's when I do tummy time with him, read to him, talk to him, etc...I don't see why he should be playing by himself to learn how to be independent when he already does some of that when I come home and have to wash bottles...prepare bottles....etc...

I think it's reasonable to expect a nanny not to text/make phone calls excessively, but there's a lot of ground between excessive texting and "seen sending a text once with the baby in her lap". The fact that your son was in a good mood makes me think that she couldn't have been ignoring him to text, since he most likely would have become grouchy at the lack of attention.

I also wouldn't give this a second thought. If she'd seemed guilty when you walked in, it might have suggested that she felt she'd been shirking her responsibilities, but I don't think it's at all unreasonable for a nanny to make a few personal phone calls or send a few personal texts throughout the day. Non-stop, one-on-one attention is honestly pretty exhausting for a baby, and I think it's good for babies to have a few moments of downtime throughout the day where they can just observe the world without constantly being stimulated. If she were spending all his waking moments texting while he sat in the bouncer, that's one thing, but what you described wouldn't set off any warning bells for me whatsoever.

[MontrealMum]

I agree with pp that that is not something that I'd be concerned about. In fact, I'd be more concerned if the nanny was constantly playing with my child all day long. Children need down time, just like adults, and they need to be loved and cuddled. I would be pleased to find a caregiver holding my contented child in their lap. I would also not be worried about finding a nanny on the phone or texting. Unless you know that she's spending large amounts of time doing either, I don't see how making a quick call is any different than other workers making emergency calls while on the job. You said that she texts you throughout the day, so you're obviously reading personal texts/taking calls while working. She's not allowed to do the same? I'm sorry, but I think your expectations are unresonable.

[arivecchi]

Can you work from home every now and then? You could do that and see what their day is like.

I pay our nanny a bundle too but to me that means that she has to do a great job at taking care of my kids as whole. I do not expect her to meet a checklist of very precise expectations.

While I do expect her to do a great job taking care of my kids, I never micro-manage her day. I give her free rein and trust that she will make the right decisions. If something bothers me (e.g. feeding them food I don't approve), I tell her nicely, but I really try to not interfere too much. I think that would make for an unhealthy relationship with the nanny.

At this point, she has been with us for 4 years and she knows when to check in with me. Your relationship will evolve over time.

My advice is - definitely chime in over larger issues - but try to let go of the reins a bit over the smaller ones. You just started this arrangement so it will take some time for both parties to get to know each other's preferences well.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I think part of the issue is how much we are paying her. For example, I used to live in Madison, WI when I was in graduate school...I am sure had I settled there, nanny care would have been pretty cheap, especially with the abundance of college student labor, etc. Where we live in NorCal, nannies are $$$, so because we are paying her so much money, I have very high expectations. I used to text quite a bit when I was watching DS for the first three months, but now that I am paying someone to watch him, I expect her not to do that excessively because this is her job. Had we been paying her a modest amount or an average amount, I would probably expect less from her.



i know it's hard to accept (esp if u are not used to living in an expensive area), but u must remember that the difference in pay is not the nanny's fault, it's due to the difference in the cost of living in the area. i grew up in Northern Cal, and am familiar with *everything* costing more there. My aunt there who is a nanny charges $18 per hour. I live in TX now where the cost of living is very low, and nannies here charge $9-$12 per hour. it's not that the nannies here are any less experienced or are expected to do anything less, it's just due to the difference in COL. in NorCal no nanny could really afford to pay their rent, bills etc on $10/hr, so that's why they have to charge much more for the same level of care as they would in a low-COL area. I dont' think you can really hold a nanny to higher standards based on a pay difference that is related to COL vs. her personal experience/expertise as a nanny.

[Edensmum]

I still think your expectations are not reasonable. You can stress to the nanny what you would like, so she knows what you want, but beyond that moments of downtime are important for both of them. If she spends more time texting than caring for ds that would be an issue, but you have no reason to think that's the case. You have no reason to think that she hadn't just picked him up from the gym.
A child who is engaged and played with at all times will always need someone or something else to entertain them. They don't learn to entertain themselves. As much as touch, language and play are important, so is imagination and solo play. Babies don't need bouncers and gyms and toys they need touch and talking to and nurishment. Taking her to task for "just" holding your baby is silly and over the top. I don't think you'll find a nanny that is 100% on at all times and one could easily argue that holding him is on. Jobs come with breaks, in direct care they are taken where they can be found. I would always prefer ds held by a human to being in some plastic baby equipment. I know it's hard to trust someone else with your child. I know it's hard to part with your money too. I don't think your expectations are going to work out well for you, your baby or your nanny. If would feel better with a nanny cam, get one. However if you are going to get upset at this sort of thing it may do more harm the good. I really don't see how holding your child is "strange" nanny behavior.

[edurnemk]

I used to text quite a bit when I was watching DS for the first three months, but now that I am paying someone to watch him, I expect her not to do that excessively because this is her job. Had we been paying her a modest amount or an average amount, I would probably expect less from her.


But from the situation you describe you can't know if she's texting excessively. For all you know she could've just sat down 2 minutes before you came in to send that single text. I think we ALL take personal calls or texts at work every now and then. Also, you said she texts you several times a day, what if she was just about to text you when you came in?

Without seeing the whole scene it's hard to know what happened, maybe she was carrying him over to the gym when she got a text so she sat down to read and respond to it. YKWIM, it could be any number of things that happened, but it would not raise any concerns for me.


Also, knowing DS's personality, I know that his prime time for playing is when he is alert, and that's when I do tummy time with him, read to him, talk to him, etc...I don't see why he should be playing by himself to learn how to be independent when he already does some of that when I come home and have to wash bottles...prepare bottles....etc...
.

At 3 months cuddling is a good thing for a happy baby. Really at that age they don't play that much, you'll see as he grows. I remember at that age DS really like being held for a while, even if he wasn't fussy. I'd be very happy to see that the nanny is affectionate with him. I always saw the bouncy as a place to put DS so I could get something done, not really for stimulating him. Also she could be playing/talking to him while on her lap. I just don't see this as a sign that he doesn't get enough play and stimulation, on the contrary.


I agree with pp that that is not something that I'd be concerned about. In fact, I'd be more concerned if the nanny was constantly playing with my child all day long. Children need down time, just like adults, and they need to be loved and cuddled. I would be pleased to find a caregiver holding my contented child in their lap. I would also not be worried about finding a nanny on the phone or texting. Unless you know that she's spending large amounts of time doing either, I don't see how making a quick call is any different than other workers making emergency calls while on the job. .

:yeahthat: I think MontrealMum said better than me

[twowhat?]

Just wanted to say to OP that I hope you aren't feeling dumped on!! It's hard to let go of that perfect vision of what you want for your first child but as your baby grows, your expectations will grow along with him. If there aren't any other red flags with the nanny, I'd just cruise along and see how things go!

[boolady]

I would far prefer to catch someone holding and interacting with my baby than ignoring them while they're in a bouncer or play gym. I think you're overreacting.

I agree. Based upon your signature, your child is about 3 months old. I'd be happy she was holding him and just giving him some awake down time. I'm not sure why someone would prefer he be in a bouncher or laying on the floor on a play gym. And honestly, at his age, personal cuddling and interaction is far more important than stimulation from the lights or toys on a bouncer or gym or other babyminder, IMO.

[mommy111]

I think part of the issue is how much we are paying her. For example, I used to live in Madison, WI when I was in graduate school...I am sure had I settled there, nanny care would have been pretty cheap, especially with the abundance of college student labor, etc. Where we live in NorCal, nannies are $$$, so because we are paying her so much money, I have very high expectations. I used to text quite a bit when I was watching DS for the first three months, but now that I am paying someone to watch him, I expect her not to do that excessively because this is her job. Had we been paying her a modest amount or an average amount, I would probably expect less from her.

Also, knowing DS's personality, I know that his prime time for playing is when he is alert, and that's when I do tummy time with him, read to him, talk to him, etc...I don't see why he should be playing by himself to learn how to be independent when he already does some of that when I come home and have to wash bottles...prepare bottles....etc...

I do appreciate everyone's feedback though! It's making me think that I shouldn't be worried.
I would assume that large though the amount may seem to you, that its probably an average amount....for California. You have to keep those last 2 words in your mind because California ain't like the rest of the world. Didn't someone here have a Spongebob siggie saying something like What's large in Texas and what's large in the rest of the world are two different things...well I would change Texas to Cali and take it on from there :) Just keep in mind that you live in one of the nicest places in the US, heck the world, weather wise, culturally, and diversity wise. You pay for that, but, really, California rocks :jammin:

[daisymommy]

I dunno, I wouldn't give it a second thought. But that's just me. It's hard work keeping an infant engaged 100% of the time, and I would have no problem with a nanny taking quick breaks like this throughout the day. I feel like she was just sitting down typing out a quick text, and probably would have gotten up in a couple minutes. He was in her lap, which is a good thing. Worse would be him in a bouncy chair and her sitting on the couch texting. And with all other signs pointing towards her being a great nanny, I wouldn't have been concerned at all.


:yeahthat: No one can be "on" every single second all day long with a child. I would be upset if he was laying on the floor crying while she was on her phone, but that wasn't the case. She was holding him, he was safe and happy, and I'm sure it was just a quick text. I wouldn't be upset at all about that. Even in daycare centers people talk to one another while holding the children, so it's not much different here.

I know you said his "prime time" for engaging him is when he is awake and alert, and I understand what you mean. But you also don't want to be in a baby's face overstimulating them the entire time they are awake either. At 3 months, they are very easily overstimulated. That's just not healthy and generally makes for a cranky annoyed baby.

[jenfromnj]

i know it's hard to accept (esp if u are not used to living in an expensive area), but u must remember that the difference in pay is not the nanny's fault, it's due to the difference in the cost of living in the area.

I think this is the key thing to keep in mind. I know how you feel, we live right outside NYC and we pay a fortune for a p/t sitter/nanny. However, I know that I just needed to accept that, if we wanted someone reliable, well-trained and experienced, the "going rate" for such a person was $X/hour, even though it seemed an insane amount.

I know it's tough, but I try hard to not have my expectations for DS's care or the "rules" for his caretaker driven by how much we're paying her. Honestly, if at the end of the day, DS is safe, happy and engaged, the minute-by-minute details of the time spent don't really matter to me--it was a huge struggle for me to get to that point, since I tend to micromanage, but I think everyone is happier if I keep that mindset.

[ewpmsw]

If my child seemed happy and I didn't think she was spending the whole time texting, I would worry about it (i.e. this was just a brief once and a while thing). I think it is nice that she is holding him and not just leaving him in some bouncer. I think little ones need lots of cuddles, not just during cranky/sleepy time.

ITA. Sometimes I text or use my phone while I'm BFing or holding my DD's. I don't think it's a problem unless the phone becomes a distraction from caring for the child/children.

Our sitter texts and takes phone calls while she's with our kids, but I trust her and know that she's taking good care of them. She has a business that requires her to take calls any time of the day or night and she also has children, so I expect some texts/calls. When I come home, I can see that she's done some cleaning, bathed the kids, fed them, changed diapers, etc. If I thought the phone was a problem, I'd bring it up and remind her that we agreed she'd keep the texts/calls to a minimum.

[smilequeen]

It doesn't sound remotely bothersome to me. I think your expectations are a little too high. If things like this are going to bother you I don't think the nanny cam would be a good idea. You'll be overanalyzing her every move. She can't possibly be anymore on all the time than anyone else can. I know I'm not on and stimulating all the time. Sometimes a 3 month old baby needs nothing more than someone holding them. Physical contact.

[new_mom_mry]

Again, thanks everyone for your feedback. Part of the frustration is that there is no good way to know whether it was a single text or whether there are many texts/phone calls. As I mentioned before, we both work 40 min away and working from home is not an option, at least right now given where we are at with our projects at work respectively. We don't have relatives nearby to pop in and check on her.

As for the bouncer/gym...as new parents, we love watching him talk to toys in the gym, try to grab them, try to roll over, grab toys hanging from the arch of his bouncer, or manipulate the toy bar on his bjorn bouncer. He gets super excited when he gets to play in this manner. We never really use the bouncer/gym as a place to put him while we are doing something (only sometimes). We play with him and talk to him when he is engaged in bouncer/gym play. In other words, our parenting philosophy right now is to try and get him to engage with his environment as much as possible, so he could reach all his emergent milestones and there is plenty of time for down time and cuddling for when he transitions from play to nap, or when we come home from work. He gets held A LOT in other words. Respectfully, other parents might have a different philosophy, which they should abide by and which I would never criticize.

[Melaine]

Haven't read all the responses, but I would be happy to see the nanny holding DC when you came in unexpectedly. Being held by the caregiver is a developmental need for an infant, much more important than being in a bouncer or gym. Having one-on-one childcare means that you can count on lots of holding rather than some of the other passive activities a baby might do (like sit in an exersaucer or swing).The texting wouldn't even remotely bother me, particularly if you receive texts from her. Maybe she was about to text you an update when you walked in?
It's hard to be a nanny and knowing that your boss is critical in these ways make it even harder. On the other hand, I think installing a nanny cam is totally acceptable (you should let her know) and doesn't necessarily mean that you don't trust the nanny. Just tell her you like to be able to check in during the day and set it up so you can see it on your computer. (that is possible, right?)

[boolady]

Respectfully, other parents might have a different philosophy, which they should abide by and which I would never criticize.

And no one criticized you. You asked if it would be a concern, and an overwhelming majority of posters, if not everyone, said that they wouldn't. You asked a bunch of experienced parents if they'd be concerned, and out of what I perceived as an attempt to reassure you that everything was likely fine, told you that they wouldn't be alarmed. You are free to regard or disregard the answers that you got, but no one was disrespectful of your question, which was whether or not to be concerned. His nanny holding him for a few minutes isn't going to stop him reaching any milestones. If you have some reason to believe that she's never doing anything other than holding him and texting, then that's a different issue.

ETA: Maybe I'm completely not remembering the infant phase well, but DD wasn't really engaged with her playthings in a meaningful way 12 weeks, anyway. I thought that at 12 weeks of age, most babies were still sleeping an awful lot of the time. I was still home with her at that point, and although she'd lay on her playmat and hold a toy or sit in her bouncer and look at a toy on the bouncer, I never really got the impression it was anything too meaningful, but maybe that was just her.

[scriptkitten]

i'd be mad if i came home and saw my child in a bouncer and they weren't napping in it. babies belong in laps, not bouncers, imo :) i would also not expect a nanny to be actively playing with a baby every moment.

[fortato]

I don't see what's so strange about it.

I was a nanny long before the internet and texting came around, and there were some days that I would chat on the phone with my friends because I was bored to tears and needed conversation with an adult.
As long as your child is being cared for, not being hurt in any way, I would let it go. You're definitely overreacting.

[mommylamb]

I agree with the other posters in this thread that it wouldn't bother me at all.

I think it's always hard when you're getting used to a new child care arrangement. You do the best you can to get a feel for someone, and to a certain extent, you need to trust your instinct. If you think she's a good care provider, you just have to trust her. I wouldn't use a nanny cam if I were in your shoes. Obviously, you watch to see if there are red flags, but I wouldn't consider this to be a red flag at all. To the contrary. Remember, if you're asking her to text you throughout the day, that is all time she is texting you and not interacting with your DC. While I wouldn't want a nanny to be sitting around watching soap operas all day, so long as my child wasn't being neglected, I'd totally cut her some slack on texting.

[sste]

Newmom, I just wanted to let you know that the developmental milestones in the first twelve months just happen. I once met a new mom who had left her job and sat my husband and I down for twenty minutes at a party and explained to us that the baby was her job, she had goals and standards, the baby should reach x milestones at x age, and she would be evaluated by whether or not baby had reached those milestones. My husband and I were floored and just kept nodding and trying to edge out of the room. Not to say you are doing that but a funny story on the milestones issue. My MIL, who is a child development professor, said short of putting the baby in box and leaving it there with no interaction, the milestones are going to emerge. And part of the reason its a milestone is because its child-led.

Now, there is good data indicating that caregiver responsiveness and attention plays a big role in later development and outcomes.

Perhaps there are other concerns around responsiveness you have about this caregiver? Does she talk to the baby, hug, interact, get on the baby's level (either on floor playing with older baby or holding an infant an crooning to them)? Does she respond when the baby cries? Makes a silly face? Smiles? If the answer to all of this is yes, I would not be upset about the text. If the text is the tangible thing that you can point to but the real problem is that this person doesn't seem responsive, interactive or loving enough with the baby in general that, for me, would have me looking for another nanny.

[hillview]

OP I totally get the "is this how it always is" feeling when you walk in the door and it isn't what you are expecting -- esp when you get home earlier. I get that you were asking for other views and you are getting them :) I think it is good to come here and validate ideas and get other opinions -- so nice work!

If you know of specific times that DC is more alert maybe you could (NOT raising the texting issue) mention to the nanny that DC is more alert from 2-4 and you think DC would enjoy tummy time or reading a book at this time. Maybe pull out a stack of books or whatever you have in mind. I think it helps to offer ideas.

/hillary

[rin]

Newmom, I just wanted to let you know that the developmental milestones in the first twelve months just happen. I once met a new mom who had left her job and sat my husband and I down for twenty minutes at a party and explained to us that the baby was her job, she had goals and standards, the baby should reach x milestones at x age, and she would be evaluated by whether or not baby had reached those milestones. My husband and I were floored and just kept nodding and trying to edge out of the room. Not to say you are doing that but a funny story on the milestones issue. My MIL, who is a child development professor, said short of putting the baby in box and leaving it there with no interaction, the milestones are going to emerge. And part of the reason its a milestone is because its child-led.

Now, there is good data indicating that caregiver responsiveness and attention plays a big role in later development and outcomes.

Perhaps there are other concerns around responsiveness you have about this caregiver? Does she talk to the baby, hug, interact, get on the baby's level (either on floor playing with older baby or holding an infant an crooning to them)? Does she respond when the baby cries? Makes a silly face? Smiles? If the answer to all of this is yes, I would not be upset about the text. If the text is the tangible thing that you can point to but the real problem is that this person doesn't seem responsive, interactive or loving enough with the baby in general that, for me, would have me looking for another nanny.

:yeahthat:

If the text is just one tangible thing you can put your finger on, but you in general have reservations about this nanny, then you should totally go with your gut. Maybe that’s why this bothers you so much, because the text is something concrete you can point to? If you’re otherwise happy with her (which it sounded like in your earlier posts), I’d personally try to let this go.

Instead of installing a nanny cam (which might just make you crazy, since everyone’s going to do things slightly differently and it’s very unlikely that your nanny would do everything exactly how you would), what if you and/or your husband just tried to come home early as often as possible, or if you have any close friends in the area just ask them to stop by every now and then to drop something off, say hi, etc? I know you said that you both work 40 minutes away from home, but you got off work early today, so maybe it’ll happen again. Also, if you ever had a doctor’s appointment or something that kept you from going into work on time, you could always swing by the house before going to work. That might help give you a better sense for what the nanny’s usual routine was.

I think it’s very hard to make any assumptions about her or her interactions with your son based on this one incident. All you know is that she was entering information into her phone: as someone else pointed out, she might well have been about to text you. I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask her to never use the phone while she’s with your son: she’s at work, and while some people (bus drivers, brain surgeons, assembly line workers) can’t really take/make personal phone calls at work, I think most people would agree that childcare is a job that can be accomplished while periodically checking a text or making a short phone call.

I hope this doesn’t sound like criticism: this is just what I’d want someone to tell me if I was getting agitated about something probably innocuous my babysitter was doing.

[new_mom_mry]

My MIL, who is a child development professor

I am actually a social and personality psychologist so not entirely ignorant about child development research and infant's needs :) I might be worrying too much about milestones though...quite true! Nevertheless, we enjoy watching DS interact with his environment and learn various cause and effect relationships, etc. In any case...I am sure that he will reach all his milestones and everything will be ok!

My gut feeling is that our nanny is a good person and that she is taking good care of him. I will try to pop in a few more times just to make additional observatiobns, but for some of the reasons mentioned above, won't be resorting to a nanny cam.

[jenfromnj]

Part of the frustration is that there is no good way to know whether it was a single text or whether there are many texts/phone calls.


I think that, if you generally like the nanny and have vetted her to the extent you felt was necessary, then you should give her the benefit of the doubt that she's not on the phone/texting all day, since your child was happy and seemingly well cared for when you came in ahead of schedule. If she begins to give you other reasons to be concerned, then that's a different story, of course.


And no one criticized you. You asked if it would be a concern, and an overwhelming majority of posters, if not everyone, said that they wouldn't. You asked a bunch of experienced parents if they'd be concerned, and out of what I perceived as an attempt to reassure you that everything was likely fine, told you that they wouldn't be alarmed. You are free to regard or disregard the answers that you got, but no one was disrespectful of your question, which was whether or not to be concerned. His nanny holding him for a few minutes isn't going to stop him reaching any milestones. If you have some reason to believe that she's never doing anything other than holding him and texting, then that's a different issue.



:yeahthat: Please don't take any of the posts in this thread as criticism, I certainly don't think they were intended that way at all.

I think that parenting philosophy is an unrelated issue to one's comfort level with a nanny sending an occasional text or two. IME, even the most engaged parents need a moment now and then--since the nanny spends many consecutive hours with your child, it's reasonable to expect the same of her.

[edurnemk]

I might be worrying too much about milestones though...quite true! Nevertheless, we enjoy watching DS interact with his environment and learn various cause and effect relationships, etc. In any case...I am sure that he will reach all his milestones and everything will be ok!


Think of his nanny as part of his environment, sitting on her lap and interacting with her is good for him ;) It provides things no bouncer or gym can provide: human interaction. I also think it's positive for babies to know they can expect cuddling when they're happy and not just when they're fussy (sort of positive reinforcement) so I wouldn't stress too much about the nanny holding him when he's alert, unless there are other issues with her.

I remember DS used to love his gym, but only for an X amount of time. After that even if he was alert he'd want a change, or to be held. Same with the bouncy, he was actually able to use all the features of the toy bar on his bouncy until closer to 5-6 months IIRC, but certainly not at 3. At that age they definitely don't spent as much time playing as they do when they're a few months older, and they don't need to be stimulated every single minute of their alert time, nor will this affect their milestones.

So anyway, if you have no other concerns about her and from your description of the scene I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she was just on her way to take him to play or was talking to him and stopped to text (maybe she was texting you).

[MamaMolly]

. it is really, really hard to keep an infant engaged 100% of the time, and it only gets harder when they get older.

Not only is it hard, but is it in the child's best interest? To 'keep them engaged'? Don't get me wrong, I did a lot of it with Lula, (ok, to be honest I did WAYYYY too much of it with Lula! ;)) and I find I just don't have the same time to devote to Dolly. And Dolly is much better at keeping herself pleasantly occupied that Lula was at the same age. Different kids, I know, but I think there is something to be said for letting kids, even infants, just play.

THe above is NOT intended as a criticism of your nanny holding your baby, OP. I would be more upset if the baby had been tucked in a bouncer or exersaucer and she'd been texting. I'm just musing on keeping a child engaged, and the merits of just letting them be once in a while. Not really free range so much as benign neglect ;).

[Purple18]

I am actually a social and personality psychologist so not entirely ignorant about child development research and infant's needs :) I might be worrying too much about milestones though...quite true! Nevertheless, we enjoy watching DS interact with his environment and learn various cause and effect relationships, etc. In any case...I am sure that he will reach all his milestones and everything will be ok!

My gut feeling is that our nanny is a good person and that she is taking good care of him. I will try to pop in a few more times just to make additional observatiobns, but for some of the reasons mentioned above, won't be resorting to a nanny cam.

New Mom, I know it's hard, but try not to worry. I agree with the other posters. I know it's natural to worry about your child - I've had to talk myself down from many ledges and I was even worse with my first child ;). If your gut tells you your child is well cared for, safe and happy, go with that. Make a few more stop ins to ease your mind or if it doesn't help to ease your mind, then reevaluate. Let the relationship with your nanny develop for a while longer and see how it goes. I'm trying to follow my own advice on this right now. ;) Nobody is perfect and I've been trying to remember that if I was home full time with my kids, they would not have me 100% of their waking time either. FWIW, my older child that had more of my time still needs more of my time and my younger is more independent - could be me, their personalities or a combination of both, but a little more independent play earlier on in DS1's life may have been benefical for us all. Good luck and let us know how it's all going in a few weeks! Hopefully, it will be water under the dam by then.

[MMMommy]

I agree with PPs. I wouldn't be bothered at all by your nanny's actions. No person can be "on" all the time and entertain a baby or child every second, every minute of the day. Like other mentioned, she was holding your child, versus leaving him in a playyard or bouncer. I think your expectations are unreasonable, but understandable. Your child is the most precious thing in the world to you, so naturally you are concerned about his welfare. But I don't think you need to worry based on the circumstances you described.

[ShanaMama]

Considering that I regularly text while I'm watching my kids, I don't see it as an issue at all. Did he seem anstsy like he was in her lap for way too long? I'd be much more concerned if she was texting while not paying attention to him. The fact that he was in her lap is a plus to me.

[kijip]

I agree with PPs. I wouldn't be bothered at all by your nanny's actions. No person can be "on" all the time and entertain a baby or child every second, every minute of the day. Like other mentioned, she was holding your child, versus leaving him in a playyard or bouncer. I think your expectations are unreasonable, but understandable. Your child is the most precious thing in the world to you, so naturally you are concerned about his welfare. But I don't think you need to worry based on the circumstances you described.
:yeahthat:

[Jo..]

Do YOU interact with baby ALL DAY EVERY DAY EVERY WAKING MINUTE? No one does. No one CAN.

She was holding the baby. He was content. I believe your expectations are unreasonable.

If you came home and he was in the bouncy seat screaming his head off while she was texting, I'd be way more concerned.

[TwinFoxes]

I think after 5 pages OP probably gets that the majority of us thinks it's acceptable nanny behavior. It's turning into a bit of a pile on at this point IMHO.

[EllasMum]

I think after 5 pages OP probably gets that the majority of us thinks it's acceptable nanny behavior. It's turning into a bit of a pile on at this point IMHO.

:yeahthat:

[Jo..]

I think after 5 pages OP probably gets that the majority of us thinks it's acceptable nanny behavior. It's turning into a bit of a pile on at this point IMHO.

I seriously doubt people are reading 5 pages of replies. Everyone is giving their opinion, as asked. So I am scratching my head at this.

[denna]

I'm confused by a few different things in your post...
Are you concerned by her texting or holding your child on her lap? Neither of which seem of concern to me. Maybe he was content and happy BECAUSE she was holding him. And if she texts you updates regularly I don't see why you'd be surprised she was on the phone.
And secondly, if you do in fact trust her you wouldn't need/ want someone to pop in and checkup on her from time to time. Maybe you don't completely trust her? Or are over analyzing things to find something not to like?

[cchavez]

I think that she is over analyzing the situation.....She stated she was a psychologist so that explains why she would over analyze what happened. Not bashing at all, I would do the same thing, I am a speech-language pathologist so I over analyze too. I also know that the nanny is being a paid a lot of money not just because they live in N. Cal but also for the nanny's background in child development. I think that she should move on and trust that she really is providing the best she can for her child. Sounds like the next nanny is the next best thing to Mommy being there. And if Mommy were there.....wouldn't she possibly text, email or make a phone call or two during her infant's waking hours? We are all human.

[TwinFoxes]

I seriously doubt people are reading 5 pages of replies. Everyone is giving their opinion, as asked. So I am scratching my head at this.

I'm sorry it confused you.

[Jo..]

Baiting? You just tickle me.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and a voice.

It is not your decision as to when a thread had had enough replies. Sorry to intrude on your power-trip.

[denna]

I think after 5 pages OP probably gets that the majority of us thinks it's acceptable nanny behavior. It's turning into a bit of a pile on at this point IMHO.

A pile on? Why because the majority of the opinions (that she asked for) are not what she wanted/ expected to hear? If it were 5 pages consoling her for a horrible nanny and advising her to fire her and it was wrong of her to hold the baby and text? Then would it be ok to exceed a few responses.
I know ive been on this board a long time, but I remember when ppl were upset that no one responded to their questions, not because there were too many.
Like pp said, most ppl read the Op and answer the question.

[sste]

I think the issue is that the OP resolved what she was going to do a few pages back which was to take everyone's advice, not nanny cam, etc. I think that can make it feel like a pile-on to a poster when the posts continue. Some posters, myself included(!), were late to the party.

OP, no worries. We are an opinionated but helpful group. :)

[boltfam]

I think the issue is that the OP resolved what she was going to do a few pages back which was to take everyone's advice, not nanny cam, etc. I think that can make it feel like a pile-on to a poster when the posts continue. Some posters, myself included(!), were late to the party.

OP, no worries. We are an opinionated but helpful group. :)

:yeahthat:

[Jo..]

I think the issue is that the OP resolved what she was going to do a few pages back which was to take everyone's advice, not nanny cam, etc. I think that can make it feel like a pile-on to a poster when the posts continue. Some posters, myself included(!), were late to the party.

OP, no worries. We are an opinionated but helpful group. :)

I get that. Some of us were late to the discussion and just gave our opinion.

But I don't like being told to shut up, on any level.

Late or not, I am still entitled to my opinion. She may well get responses for the next three weeks, and might be thrilled that many people cared enough to weigh in, and be honest.

I know I would be.

Good or bad, agree or disagree...If I post a whatif here, I want uncensored honesty.

If she has 5 responses or 50 all saying the same thing, does it matter? No one is judging, just weighing in.