How to help DH be a better parent

[hillview]

I know this is a loaded title. Here is the situation DH and I both travel a lot for work. DH is a great dad -- very fun and engaging. He tries hard to get home from work in time for dinner or at least bed time, he drives the kids to school every morning he is here, he puts them to bed at night (we take turns) and he really wants to be there for them. He had a rotten set of role models (his parents divorced, dad was an alcoholic, his mom is/was insane -- they were not allowed to ride bikes because it was not safe -- neither of his siblings are married all very dysfunctional).

Ok given all that (thanks for still reading) he lacks any ability to get the kids out the door. When I am not here things are a disaster for him (my parents are not at all critical about him but they have given me some specifics -- he usually has to carry them out of the house to get them into the car) he doesn't keep them at the table eating. The boys do not listen to him -- DS1 will say things like "mommy is in charge, we have to do what she says [not what DH says]"

I have not talked to DH much about this (my bad) I sort of let it go and let him muddle through or step in hand help/handle it. OTOH I want the kids to listen to DH and respect him.

I don't want to be overly critical -- "Do it this way" as he is otherwise SO engaged with them. I do believe DH has some ADD. I think the blackberry sometimes distracts him and that is when the kids get out of control. I also don't think DH thinks of the kids behavior as something he can impact. Meaning I know if the kids start to get out of control, I need to do something to get them back into control -- set limits etc -- DH I think believes it is just happening and there isn't much he can do about it. (Does this make sense?).

Any tips for helping DH? A class? Some high level guidance.

Thanks!
/hillary

[elektra]

I have a hard time with this too so I can only offer commiseration.
DH just checks out when he gets home- turns on the TV.
When we are eating dinner, he pretty much completely ignores the kids. I do all of dinner, bathtime, and bedtime.
I have told him here and there that he needs to do more, but it usually ends up in a fight. :(

[egoldber]

Maybe you can frame it as "here are some tools we can ALL use to make the mornings easier". Don't just make it about him. Make a detailed list of what needs to happen. Brainstorm with him about ways to make the mornings easier for everyone. Even include the kids. Make it a family project so it isn't just about what he is doing wrong, KWIM?

[hillview]

Thanks! I need all the commiseration I can get :)

With DH the issue isn't that he isn't involved -- he IS. It is just that he doesn't set limits, is the fun/your pal parent and so when it comes time to get the boys out the door to school (when I am not here which is 40% of the time) it is a knock down drag out -- everyone is a mess. Dinner time when I am not here is similar. My parents see it (they live downstairs) and I see the change when I am gone for more than a night or 2 (all rules out the window and it takes 2 days to reestablish order). In part I have let it go because there isn't much I can do but my concern is that if the boys don't listen to DH/take him seriously now we will only have larger issues down the road.
Thanks again :)
/hillary

[hillview]

Thanks Beth -- I was thinking of a morning schedule or house rules sort of thing -- I like the idea of getting the kids involved. I think that is a good idea we can try this weekend and then I go away next week --- they can try it :)
/hillary

[twowhat?]

Maybe you can frame it as "here are some tools we can ALL use to make the mornings easier". Don't just make it about him. Make a detailed list of what needs to happen. Brainstorm with him about ways to make the mornings easier for everyone. Even include the kids. Make it a family project so it isn't just about what he is doing wrong, KWIM?

I think that's a fabulous idea. Sit down all together to make a sticker chart or something where the kids check off each "to do" item by the appropriate time (dressed by 7am, breakfast eated by 7:30, shoes on by 7:45, etc). Then have everyone follow it in the mornings. And it sounds like your DH would be open to making his mornings easier as well:) Good luck!!

[kellij]

Our thing that is the most helpful is we race to do EVERYTHING. It's great, because it gets them dressed in the morning when they are dragging and gets them up to bed at night, even if they don't want to go. We always say "last one upstairs is a rotten egg!" And then there is a rotten egg dance that the rotten egg has to see. This sounds like something your DH would be great with.

The kids also get to earn points for good behavior and then trade them in for things or activities when they've earned enough.

My DH is a giant play toy for my kids, so he kind of has discipline issues as well. I just try to let him in on what works best for getting things done with our kids. Like with DS1 it's a time out on his bed; he hates that, it works best.

The other thing I try to remember is that he and I are different, he's better at constantly playing little kid games than I am. I am better at getting what needs to be done, done and feeding them something other than a frozen food item.

As long as they feel loved, I think it's good to have different strengths as parents. I would be a lot more worried about a dad that doesn't have anything to do with the kids, than a dad who is clearly very laid back. My biggest issue would be with the comment about only having to do what mommy says. I would have an issue with that lack of respect, so that's when we'd do the time out or whatever discipline tool works for your kids.

[TwinFoxes]

This was actually a big concern of mine before we had kids. Namely because the dogs don't listen to DH at all, and they listen to me. DH had the same attitude of, oh those crazy dogs, how can you control them.

But for the most part he's been great. I do sometimes tell him specific things that I think will help him, but a lot of other things I chalk up to different, not wrong parenting styles. Specifically though, I've told him not to ask DDs if they want to do something, if it's not a choice. "Will you please give your sister her toy back?" "No." Well, now what smart guy? Maybe if there's one really specific thing you can tell your DH it will help? Not make it a list of try this, this, this and this.

I agree with PP, that what would really bother me is "we don't have to listen to you."

[boolady]

Maybe you can frame it as "here are some tools we can ALL use to make the mornings easier". Don't just make it about him. Make a detailed list of what needs to happen. Brainstorm with him about ways to make the mornings easier for everyone. Even include the kids. Make it a family project so it isn't just about what he is doing wrong, KWIM?

I think this is a great idea, and it also promotes consistency as to how things are done when you're there and how things are done when he's there. DH sometimes struggles with why DD gives him a hard time about getting ready for bed or doing a, b, or c, but he doesn't have her do them in a consistent way each time or the same way I do. My way doesn't have to be the right way, but I've tried explaining to him that she needs to know that this is the way a, b, or c are done no matter who's home or what's going on. I think that if you all come up with ideas and ways to do things, per Beth's idea, it will help him in the long run w/o diminishing his efforts.

[sste]

Would your DH consider going to a parenting class with you? Perhaps if you said neutrally that with the behavior ups and downs with your DS in the last year (I think you wrote about that in the past if I am remembering and not mixing up posters) you two have faced some challenges and what does think about going to a class/weekend workshop?

I also agree with asking very diplomatically. I might even get his view, "How do you think mornings have been going? I have struggled with the boys on mornings and its taken a while to sort it out." It may be that the two of you are on very different pages and he thinks mornings are going great and all loving chaos and it would be helpful to weigh his perspective into the mix.

FWIW, I think this is very common and its rare to have the ideal parenting/marital balance. In my case, my dh does tons of parenting and is very hand-on and really works like a dog at home and at work . . . but he is just at work too much. We all struggle with these issues.