Has anyone gone on wife strike? UPDATE in #25

[bigpassport]

Did it work? I started a post in the BP, but I don't want to vent...I want a solution.

Here is some background though...I honestly do 90% or more of household and family chores (financial, paperwork, maintenance, repairs) in addition to cooking, cleaning and caring for DS. I work three days a week and make 2/3 as much as DH does. We also have a vacation rental cabin that I do 99% of the work for (advertising, booking rentals, finances, arranging cleaning and maintenance). Other than working and helping with DS (which DH does participate in), DH does virtually nothing around the house or for the family. On top of that, he doesn't offer to help and he doesn't say thank you.

What can I do to get DH to help out more? Why is everything my responsibility? What would happen if I just went on strike? I'm pretty sure striking isn't the answer, but it's nice to daydream.

[katydid1971]

Have you talked with your DH about it? I think that's where you need to start.

[twowhat?]

Maybe this is too similar to a strike, but say that you need help and are going to hire someone for $X/hour to help with cooking, cleaning, etc. Maybe that'll get the ball rolling:)

[elektra]

This sounds like my life too. Except I work full time and make as much as DH does, and he does do home maintenance and repairs.
I am at my wit's end too and am going to be trying to work out an action plan with my therapist. My conversations with DH have gone nowhere. I will post any tips I get!

[boolady]

Have you talked with your DH about it? I think that's where you need to start.


I posted on something very similar a few months ago, and this was the best advice I got. I talked to DH about it, and while it should be on his radar, some of the things weren't even on his radar. It definitely helped.

[fumofu]

Sometimes I get frustrated because I seem to do a lot of housework, but I am lucky that DH helps out.

But I find that he mostly does not realize there is a lot of work involved, and wouldn't initiate helping, until I ask him to. Yes, it's frustrating that he doesn't intuitively know I need the help. But most of the time he doesn't grumble when I ask.

Is this your DH's case? Has he been taking you for granted because you take care of everything? Does he not realize that there is a lot of work involved? How about letting him be in charge of some of the chores?

If he does know that you do everything and is ducking out on his responsibilities, then maybe it is time to go on "wife strike" (love that term!). Let him earn his meals!

I've seen similar threads like this, and PP's have said that money should be left out of this conversation. You're husband and wife, and you're a team. He should put in his worth of help in the household that you share with DS.

HTH. Good luck!

[bigpassport]

Have you talked with your DH about it? I think that's where you need to start.

I have talked to him about it before. But after awhile, he just forgets and reverts back to his old habits. And the cycle repeats. Do I just keep reminding him periodically? What is a nice way to do that? How do I do that periodically without getting to this point of utter frustration every time?

[liz]

Have you talked with your DH about it? I think that's where you need to start.

:yeahthat: We divided chores (roughly 40/60....hmm maybe more like 30/70), picking the ones that we wanted. For example, DH does all of the dishes everyday. He does the garbage. These are things that I hate. I will wash clothes, vacuum etc. I work PT, so that is a good compromise for us.

Then if something doesn't get done, then we know who didn't do it, don't we :)? I won't neccesarily wash those dishes/take out the garbage, KWIM? They can sit there until he does it.

Of course, this works for us. You will have to find a compromise for yourselves. gl!

[lmh2402]

i have learned that DH is honest-to-God oblivious to all that gets done or needs to get done. unless he is told.

i found this out after a long time of building resentment and irritation

for us the best solution was to "talk" (YELL?) it out. he agreed that he needed to do more...and he agreed that he was putting me in a crappy position of being either:
1. the whip-cracking task master - assigning chores, O
OR
2. the doormat that just did it all myself

i opted for #1.

i crack the whip, so to speak on a regular basis - i'm just very verbal about what i'm doing. what he's going to do. what needs to get done. etc.

i simply won't "just do it," quietly anymore.

on a daily/weekly basis, i care for DS (on days when i'm not working), i do all meal-planning, cooking, laundry, managing/staying on top of of any vendors / projects we have going on

DH - cleans up the kitchen after dinner, he generally gets up with DS on weekday mornings and plays with him/makes his breakfast/feeds him, he is responsible for getting rid of our never-ending-pile of cardboard recycling

about 50% of the time, DH will do the grocery shopping with the list i've made

i haven't captured it all here, but in general, it's a decent split. i still do more. and the very fact that i had to help DH come up with his list of stuff. and that i have to remind him to do it...regularly...is annoying.

but it's better than before

good luck!

[lhafer]

Talk to him about your expectations, and ask what his are.

We don't divide chores in my house. Didn't when I worked full time (5 days a week) and had a child, nor do we now that I am a SAHM with 2 children.

He sees me staying at home as my "job". He expects certain things - cooked meals, clean house, etc. That's fine.

BUT...

I don't tolerate it when he does stuff like drop his clothes outside the laundrey basket. Or keeps his dirty dishes on the table. Stuff like that. I'm sorry, but I don't feel I need to "talk" to my grown man husband about how he should put his clothes in the laundry basket vs the floor. It's common courtesy. So when that starts to happen I just start washing the stuff IN the laundry basket. When he finally figures out that he's run out of socks and clean underwear...he will try to tell me I need to do laundry. Um, I did do the laundry...I washed everything that was IN the laundry basket. Somehow I magically start getting his clothes back into the wash after that.

[edurnemk]

i have learned that DH is honest-to-God oblivious to all that gets done or needs to get done. unless he is told.

This is true for most men, they just don't see what needs to be done, and have no idea of all the little chores that we do. Just telling him I was overwhelmed and felt unappreciated was not enough. They need detailed instructions.


:yeahthat: We divided chores (roughly 40/60....hmm maybe more like 30/70), picking the ones that we wanted.

When I was at the end of my rope, I made a VERY detailed list of everything I do and it's frequency, and the very few things my DH did. DH really needs to see things on paper. I showed it to him, the two pages of things I did and the 4 things he was supposed to do. I told him to pick a certain number of tasks he knew he could get done. I'd remind him gently and I never did those chores again, if he didn't do them, so be it, he'd notice and if he said anything I'd remind him it was his job.



I don't tolerate it when he does stuff like drop his clothes outside the laundrey basket. Or keeps his dirty dishes on the table. Stuff like that. I'm sorry, but I don't feel I need to "talk" to my grown man husband about how he should put his clothes in the laundry basket vs the floor. It's common courtesy. So when that starts to happen I just start washing the stuff IN the laundry basket. When he finally figures out that he's run out of socks and clean underwear...he will try to tell me I need to do laundry. Um, I did do the laundry...I washed everything that was IN the laundry basket. Somehow I magically start getting his clothes back into the wash after that.

:yeahthat: I do this too. I'm not his mother. There's a difference between household chores and just cleaning up after yourself.

[sste]

I strike all the time . . . as a matter of practice. But, what I do is to choose things that won't affect me or the kids (so disorganized DH does not go near our taxes for example!). I actually sat down and made a list of all the things I would no longer help my DH with. My situation was a bit insane - - I was the primary point person for the kids, the financial and tax person, the repair and automotive person, the shopping and supplies person, the major household/cleaning person (though we do have paid help too), the vacation planner, the reviewer of all of DH's work/research etc at the career consultant level . . . and I have a full-time, demanding career of my own.

Now, DH maintains his own car, he plans the vacation to see his family over passover, he shops for his own parents' and sister's gifts, he shops for his own clothes, and he has certain days where he does the childcare dropoff/pickup. I would also have left him to do his own laundry but I don't do that . . . our nanny handles most of it. DH kind of had to adjust to the new reality but its been fine overall. I just snicker whenever he tries to get me to buy him a dress shirt or deal with that passover vacation and eventually DH sees how ridiculous he is being and cracks up too.

I also made clear to him some consequences: for example, if he planned the passover vacation last minute and we paid through the nose for tickets as a result then we would only be able to afford the trip every other year. He finally secured a place for us to stay but he hasn't taken care of the pack n play. I reminded him once and if we get there and it is not there, DH will be creating a safe sleep space for the baby and sleeping next to her. DS and I will take the master bedroom!

A therapist helped me alot with this. It is extremely liberating!!

[arivecchi]

I would start out by making a detailed list of all the chores/rsponsibilities and ask him to pick his half. It should be an eye-opener.

Then tape such list to the fridge.

[California]

- deleted-

[hillview]

Yeah I think I'd have a chat with DH that I felt like I wasn't appreciated and felt like I was doing more than my fair share. I'd also come prepared to suggest things that he could do to help more. I would expect DH to do additional work and if he didn't like my suggestions to come up with some of his own ideas. I think getting it on the table is a big step and really important.
/hillary

[niccig]

First I had an absolute screaming meltdown when DS was a baby and went off to bed in a huff. DH wrote out a list of what has to be done and we decide who would do that. Then we altered it as needed eg. DH get caught up at work and paid bills late, so I swapped the laundry for the bills - it did mean some days no underwear, so I went and bought more for when DH got behind with the laundry.

Every time something has changed in our lives, we discuss how to divvy things up. I'm back at school and DH said he'll take over the bills and he wants to know where the money is going...I've got it all on bill pay and much of it is automatic, so he should be fine. If he's late on it, I'll take it back and give him something else.

I think what helped was that there was no illusion I was able to do everything. DH would come home from work, house is trashed, DS finally asleep, no dinner and I'm part-way through bottle of wine. I also IM DH during the day and he knows when we've had a tough day. DH came home first time DS and I were sick, and he asked what was for dinner. My reaction wasn't pretty.

Since starting work and now study, DH is doing more things that I used to do. We're talking more about what our schedule are, what has to get done, how to share the workload. He did all the Christmas cards. I had to let go and he did it his way. He didn't check all the addresses and a few friends, who have moved, didn't get the card. But 90% got there. Next year, he'll check the addresses. We divided up who would work with DS on his 100 day project and who would do the Valentines with him. I wanted to keep nagging them about the 100 day project, but my therapist told me to leave the responsibility to DH. They got it done.

[ShanaMama]

I have talked to him about it before. But after awhile, he just forgets and reverts back to his old habits. And the cycle repeats. Do I just keep reminding him periodically? What is a nice way to do that? How do I do that periodically without getting to this point of utter frustration every time?

I think you need to ask him this question. I have a hard time with this also. Just get it through your head, dude!

[gatorsmom]

I have to remind DH to do stuff just like I remind the kids. "Don't forget to put your clothes in the laundry," or, "you left your plate on the table. Could you please put it in the sink?" If I see that he's sitting down to relax and there are still a million things to be done, I'll say something like, "oh, hey, before you sit down, could you please bring in the trashcans/change a diaper/ pick up your clothes/ change a lightbulb, etc." If he complains that he hasn't had a chance to relax all day I remind him that I have't either. Then I remind him that he's been able to exercise every morning and I haven't even had time to do that. And then I ask him if he'd like other examples of when he's had more time to relax than I did. By then, he's up getting stuff done.

It's frustrating only when doesn't do it. When he complains about me asking for help, then I get angry. But the fact is, having to tell him to do stuff is the only way things will get done. His head is usually so far in the clouds thinking about work that he doesnt' even realize he left his plate on the table or all his clothes on the floor.

[ohsara430]

I would say to ask/tell your DH what you want him to do. I think this is a pretty common thing. DH & I have been through this and he's happy to help but wants me to ask because he doesn't know what I want him to help with. Fair enough, I can't expect him to read my mind.

[mariza]

I threaten to all the time but I never do. mainly because I just know that it will be a bigger mess to clean for me. This is a timely thread though, DH and I both work FT and he gets home before I do. I always come home to a messy kitchen and I simply cannot go to sleep knowing there are dirty dishes in my sink. Sometimes DH tidies up, most times not. Today I stayed at work late and noticed that even though he seemed to "miss" the dishes, he remembered to prepare the coffee pot for the morning and in doing so scattered coffee grounds all over the counter for me to clean up.
Here is the note I plan to leave him:
"Dear DH, I would come to bed much earlier, and in a much more playful mood if I didn't have to come home to a giant mess in the kitchen.
Love,
Your tired and annoyed wife.

I'll let you know if it helps :ROTFLMAO:

[bigpassport]

So here's the text I sent DH (shortly before my OP when I was in meltdown mode)..."DH it really PISSES ME OFF that you don't bother to fix anything. Our phone is broken, the tv remote in the guest room is broken, my toilet is broken. Why do I have to do everything?!" When I got home this afternoon, there was a new home phone all set up:D He also reported that he got a new universal remote for the tv that didn't work, so he thinks the problem is with the tv. No word whatsoever on the toilet. So I guess yelling at him via text does work. But not the best method for the health of our relationship.

I appreciate all the posts and suggestions. I like the idea of listing out all the things I do vs. all the things he does and having him volunteer to take some of the things over. Not only will that take some things off my plate, but it will also serve as a reminder that can be placed on the refrigerator when he's slacking.

Honestly, though, its really a horrible position DH puts me in. Either I have to treat him like a child or I get taken advantage of.

[niccig]

Honestly, though, its really a horrible position DH puts me in. Either I have to treat him like a child or I get taken advantage of.

Have you said this to him? Ask him what he would prefer

a) he starts helping as a responsible adult
b) you treat him like you treat DC and have to constantly ask
c) you're exhausted as you're doing everything, you resent him for not helping and your relationship suffers

I also know that none of the DHs talked about here would dare to behave this way at work...if they did, they would be fired.

[wellyes]

I also know that none of the DHs talked about here would dare to behave this way at work...if they did, they would be fired.

Yes, exactly. Don't put your husband in a position where just takes on tasks that you ask him to do, because then when he's done with them, he is free and clear. And he's done you a FAVOR. That would really piss me off. Any adult in a household should have a certain set of responsibilities that they are accountable for. I don't always keep things neat, but I know it's my job. I feel lousy if I am behind and I don't get to veg out until I take care of it. (Like most women, right?) He needs to get there too. He is perfectly capable to do so and he knows it.

[candaceb]

I think your situation is a little more dire than what we've dealt with in the past, but with the help of the therapist we saw for pre-marital counseling, I realized that tone of voice and the way I ask makes all of the difference. My mom is a screamer and a nagger. I was following in her footsteps and it just wasn't effective. DH literally does not see things that need to be done and nothing will change that - I had to accept that. However, if I ask him about something that needs to be done in a normal voice and give him a reasonable deadline for it, he is usually pretty willing to help and will get it done.
For example: DH, will you change the bag in the diaper pail before dinner? (asked an hour before dinner).
He does not like to be asked to do something right away because he is ALWAYS "busy", and he will forget if i give him too long of a deadline.

[bigpassport]

UPDATE: I made a list of all the things I am responsible for and DH is responsible for. I told him we needed to discuss division of labor and showed him the list. I told him I tried to be fair and maybe I'm not acknowledging something he does. He said the list was fair and accurate. He asked what I want him to take over. I said first I want to understand why it's been ok with him that I do so much and he does so little. He didn't say anything. I asked is it because you don't realize how much I do, or you don't see things that need to be done, or you don't think you are capable, or you are lazy? He said its a combination of those things. I told him the biggest chore I would like him to be responsible for is repairs. He agreed. I told him I will report to him things that need to be repaired, and he will be responsible for fixing it or getting it fixed. Then I asked him what else he would like to take over (see how I didn't just give him assignments?!). He said cleaning up after meals. I agreed. I also asked him to be in charge of emergency preparedness as that will be a good thing for him to teach DS as he grows up. He agreed to that to. I also asked him to work on tidyness. Since our talk this morning, he's been feeling bad and ashamed. I know that will pass. But now I have a written list we can refer back to and a system for getting repairs done. Thanks for all the help and suggestions. I feel a hundred pounds lighter today!

[twowhat?]

UPDATE: I made a list of all the things I am responsible for and DH is responsible for. I told him we needed to discuss division of labor and showed him the list. I told him I tried to be fair and maybe I'm not acknowledging something he does. He said the list was fair and accurate. He asked what I want him to take over. I said first I want to understand why it's been ok with him that I do so much and he does so little. He didn't say anything. I asked is it because you don't realize how much I do, or you don't see things that need to be done, or you don't think you are capable, or you are lazy? He said its a combination of those things. I told him the biggest chore I would like him to be responsible for is repairs. He agreed. I told him I will report to him things that need to be repaired, and he will be responsible for fixing it or getting it fixed. Then I asked him what else he would like to take over (see how I didn't just give him assignments?!). He said cleaning up after meals. I agreed. I also asked him to be in charge of emergency preparedness as that will be a good thing for him to teach DS as he grows up. He agreed to that to. I also asked him to work on tidyness. Since our talk this morning, he's been feeling bad and ashamed. I know that will pass. But now I have a written list we can refer back to and a system for getting repairs done. Thanks for all the help and suggestions. I feel a hundred pounds lighter today!

Yay!! :bighand:

[mommylamb]

As a mother of a boy, these sorts of threads really drive home the importance of requiring your boys (not just your girls) to take responsibility for themselves and help out from a very early age. I'm very lucky with my DH. He does almost all of the cleaning, about 80% of the cooking and about 30% of the taking care of DS. I do almost all of the laundry, the financial stuff, appointments, vacation planning, dealing with the financial planner, and the most of the DS stuff (including picking up and dropping off almost always). We share grocery shopping (usually do this as a family). So, I think we're relatively even, or he probably does more than I do to be honest. But, I owe a LOT to my MIL who always expected DH to be productive and helpful and never waited on him.

My own parents have very stereotypical gender roles, with my mother doing the lion's share of everything. It didn't start out that way. Soon after they got married, my paternal grandmother-- who had raised my father to do a lot of the household work-- pulled my mother aside and basically asked her why the hell she was allowing him to not help around the house. She warned my mother that she would regret doing what she was doing. And she was right. My mother really wishes she had taken her MIL's advice.

[bigpassport]

Yes, mommylamb, that is exactly what happened to DH. He was the youngest of 5 kids and his mom did all the "woman's work" in the house. DH can make a PBJ sandwich, that's it! To compound matters, DH's dad was not a fixit kinda guy, so DH didn't learn the guy stuff when he was young either. I have a Learning Tower specifically so DS can watch me cooking, and I will encourage DH to take DS with him as he is fixing things or watching others fix things.

ETA: In light of Lisa'a post, below, I should clarify that my point is that I wish MIL and FIL made DH do more things around the house instead of doing everything for him. I don't want to make that mistake with DS.

[gatorsmom]

As a mother of a boy, these sorts of threads really drive home the importance of requiring your boys (not just your girls) to take responsibility for themselves and help out from a very early age. I'm very lucky with my DH. He does almost all of the cleaning, about 80% of the cooking and about 30% of the taking care of DS. I do almost all of the laundry, the financial stuff, appointments, vacation planning, dealing with the financial planner, and the most of the DS stuff (including picking up and dropping off almost always). We share grocery shopping (usually do this as a family). So, I think we're relatively even, or he probably does more than I do to be honest. But, I owe a LOT to my MIL who always expected DH to be productive and helpful and never waited on him.

My own parents have very stereotypical gender roles, with my mother doing the lion's share of everything. It didn't start out that way. Soon after they got married, my paternal grandmother-- who had raised my father to do a lot of the household work-- pulled my mother aside and basically asked her why the hell she was allowing him to not help around the house. She warned my mother that she would regret doing what she was doing. And she was right. My mother really wishes she had taken her MIL's advice.

I agree with this but sometimes, in my case and my mom's case, when the DH works so much, all homestuff has to fall to the DW. My dad was a truck driver who was gone weeks at a time. When he was home, we wanted to enjoy our time with him before he'd go out on the road so my mom did it all. There are busy times of the year when DH is working so much that I take over everything and just enjoy him when he's home or let him rest. During those times of year he has so much on his plate that it would be unfair to give him more. Of course, when his workload lightens up, i try to remember to give him tasks back around the house. If I don't, then I'm the one with the unfair workload!

OP, I'm glad things worked out for you and your DH'

[arivecchi]

Way to go OP! :cheerleader1:

I think it depends on the workloads of each spouse. Some spouses have 9-5 jobs that allow for a more equal separation of chores. Some do not. For instance, my DH has much longer work hours than mine and his job is much more stressful as well, so while I do expect him to pitch in when he is home, a 50/50 division does not make sense for us. He'd never have time to spend with the kids then! What does help is is that he does do what I ask him to do when he is home so I do not feel like he is not carrying his load while he is here.

I completely agree with you mommylamb on instilling the home work ethic in boys though. My boys already have to pick up their clothes and toys and they do the dishes with us. :)

[randomkid]

UPDATE: I made a list of all the things I am responsible for and DH is responsible for. I told him we needed to discuss division of labor and showed him the list. I told him I tried to be fair and maybe I'm not acknowledging something he does. He said the list was fair and accurate. He asked what I want him to take over. I said first I want to understand why it's been ok with him that I do so much and he does so little. He didn't say anything. I asked is it because you don't realize how much I do, or you don't see things that need to be done, or you don't think you are capable, or you are lazy? He said its a combination of those things. I told him the biggest chore I would like him to be responsible for is repairs. He agreed. I told him I will report to him things that need to be repaired, and he will be responsible for fixing it or getting it fixed. Then I asked him what else he would like to take over (see how I didn't just give him assignments?!). He said cleaning up after meals. I agreed. I also asked him to be in charge of emergency preparedness as that will be a good thing for him to teach DS as he grows up. He agreed to that to. I also asked him to work on tidyness. Since our talk this morning, he's been feeling bad and ashamed. I know that will pass. But now I have a written list we can refer back to and a system for getting repairs done. Thanks for all the help and suggestions. I feel a hundred pounds lighter today!

This is a great start, but don't expect this to continue without some reminders to DH. I have had a lot of frustrations in this area and have confronted DH multiple times over the years. I've tried every approach mentioned in this thread - getting fed up and yelling (obviously not the best approach), calmly discussing it and how it makes me feel, asking what he wants to do, making lists, etc. I have found that no matter what I do, DH still does not follow through on whatever it is we discussed/decided. I will tell him repairs that need to be done and that I am just going to hire someone to do it. He'll say "I can easily do that", but he still doesn't. There is a long list of jobs on the fridge that has been there for months. He has crossed off one thing on that list. Basically, I still have to MAKE him to things.

It has gotten better, though. After many of these discussions, DH is now SEEING things more! So, don't believe that your DH won't be able to learn to see the mess. My DH really did not see it. He grew up in a house that was supposed to be remodeled. His Dad started it and never finished. The house forever had an unfinished bathroom, unfinished walls, unfinished laundry room, etc. DH told me that he learned to not look at it. I have had to basically train him to see it again. The other day, he actually said "It looks like a kid bomb went off in this room" when DD's toys were all over the family room. Last night, I was cleaning the bathroom - he came in and said "I want to see how you do this". I was floored. We still aren't there yet, but it is getting better.

I'm glad your discussions with DH went so well, but I just wanted you to not be disappointed if he slips. I have been so excited so many times only to be let down. I am glad to say it is slowly getting better. This is definitely a process and not an overnight thing. What kills me though, is what a PP said. "If they behaved this way at work, they'd get fired". At work, DH's office is spotless, organized and DECORATED! He makes sure everything gets repaired and does repairs himself at times. So, I know he has the skill set to do it! Anyway, don't give up, but be aware that it will take time. I've been working on DH for 10+ years and it finally seems to be kicking in. I think I will forever have to remind him and make him do stuff, but it is better. My newest approach to get the project/repair list done is going to be to assign one project per weekend or 2 if they are smaller. If it is a large project, I will tell him one or two components of it to be done that weekend. It will still be unfinished, but will be one step closer to being done.

Congrats on confronting this in a productive way!:thumbsup:

ETA: To answer your original question - I thought about going on strike, but knew I would pay for it in the end because I would be the one to clean up everything. However, I did go on partial strike. I don't do as much as I used to. I only pick up enough and do enough to keep me sane. The house has been in a constant state of messiness for a while. Then, on occasion, I will clean everything so the house looks nice. I really think it's working because I see DH picking up more and noticing more now. If I just keep it clean all the time, he won't realize what I do. If I let some mess lay around, he starts to see it.