Another DS issue...(long)

[LarsMal]

I've been home for about 20 minutes and I'm still trying to calm myself down. I don't usually call DH, but I had to call him from the car so he could hear the madness and understand why I would not have any groceries or dinner until he gets home tonight!

L got a whoopie cushion for Christmas. He broke it the other night when he jumped on it and it popped. My parents had given him a couple dollars when they were here for Valentine's Day so I told him he could use that money to buy a new one.

We went to the little toy shop a few minutes away from our house after school today. He had asked if he could get something in addition to the whoopie cushion. I told him he could look around and if he found something that wasn't expensive he could get it. Well, he found two things that were about $5-8 so I told him he could pick one, not both. He held onto them for a few minutes and then the tears started. He couldn't decide. I went over the pros and cons of each to help him decide, but he continued to cry and tell me he couldn't choose. If it had been DH he would've gotten both, and L knows this, so he started crying for Daddy. He also found a third thing that was above his limit and I told him he couldn't have that, but maybe he could put it on his wish list. He proceeded to have a full-out tantrum in the middle of the store. Screaming, crying, rolling around. Unbelievably embarrassing- all I could think was other people were thinking, "What a spoiled brat." The doors were open to the store and you could hear him outside, too. It was ridiculous.

I tried to calm him down and gave him a warning that if he didn't stop he wouldn't even get the whoopie cushion. That made it even worse and when I took the two things he was deciding over away he knocked over a display the SA's had just set up. I was now mortified and trying to get all three kids out of the store. M started to cry because she didn't want to leave, but when she saw my look as I told her to stop- she immediately stopped. Luckily the car was right outside the door, but I literally had to drag L out of the store, alternating between under his arm and grabbing the back of his coat (because I also had to carry C to get her out).

It took everything in my power not to spank him, and I don't know, maybe that would've been justified, but as angry as I get, I really try not to spank. I sent him to his room and he is just now coming out.

So WWYD? I already told him that DH will not be laying down with him at bed tonight (that is his new consequence for bad behavior since it's the only thing that seems to work). I called DH I told him he would not be laying down with L, so he is already prepared for that. I feel like leaving the store without anything was also a good consequence, should I just let it go now? I'm still shaking!

[twowhat?]

I'm sorry! It does sound like everything you did was reasonable. Ouch. Hope you have a nice bottle of wine in the house.

[Green_Tea]

I think that the natural consequence of behaving poorly in a store is that you go home empty handed, so good job! Perhaps a good extension of the lesson would be to leave him home the next time you go to a "fun" store - to drive home the point that you don't feel that you can trust him to act appropriately. I am not sure that I'd take away something like cuddling with Dad - it's not really related to the transgression, and I try not to make affection from mom or dad contingent on good behavior, especially when the poor behavior occurred several hours before.

Can you withhold dessert instead? Or no TV/screen time?

ETA: I just noticed in your signature that you had your three kids in 3.5 years. Me too. I SO feel your pain!

[JBaxter]

you held it together better than I would have. yes not getting anything was good judgment. Maybe you should give it a certain amount of time before you go back or allow him to spend his own money AND only his own money.

[Octobermommy]

Almost every mom has been there. Fwiw I think you handled it great. I think not getting the toys and not having dad lay down with him are enough consequences.

[crl]

I think not getting the toys is a good consequence. I would also, to the extent possible, not take him back to that store for a long while. We have a rule that part of getting to go someplace is leaving nicely and if you can't do that, you can't go back for a while. (I understand that may not be possible with your other kids--my two are really far apart in age so not the same issues of fairness)

Catherine

[Ceepa]

I have been there and it is a nightmare. Did DS have a snack? Sometimes it helps if I bring a snack if we're running afternoon errands.

[JTsMom]

:grouphug: I've been there more times than I can tell you. My strategy is usually to run for the door at the first sign of the meltdown- I call it the chicken approach. LOL

Ok, so you know we have a lot of issues here, so my perspective is probably a bit skewed, so take this for what it's worth (not much) ;)...

It sounds to me like he's going through some really tough stage right now. It sounds like the hard time coping emotionally is a running theme with him lately, and I think it's pretty common at this stage. Honestly, I think that you can probably come up with 100 different consequences, and it wouldn't matter- you'd probably just be doing something while you waited for him to outgrow it.

Have you noticed any pattern to the tears? Is he having a hard time dealing with one particular set of issues? Is it more common in a certain setting, or at a certain time of day? Can you think of any strategies you could teach him to cope with his emotions? I know you said that you tried to help him come up with a list of pros and cons- I think that you were on the right track there, but that it might take some time. With Jason, I sometimes try and walk him through the "what ifs". What if you buy the whoopie cushion and leave behind the ball? What if we walk outside for a few mins and come back? What could you do if you felt like you made the wrong choice? Could you save up enough money to come get it next week/month, etc? I think sometimes they feel so powerless at this age- like they really don't have any control over their own destiny, and it's just occurring to them.

Another thing I've noticed- and again, could just be our weird situation- is that the more I try to control the meltdowns, the worse they get. Sometimes if I just stop and hug him for a minute and empathize with whatever it is he's struggling with, that will snap him out of it- and I know, that's probably the last thing in the world you felt like doing, but it really does work sometimes. (Other times, not so much, and then I'm doubly ticked)

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think that the natural consequence of behaving poorly in a store is that you go home empty handed, so good job! Perhaps a good extension of the lesson would be to leave him home the next time you go to a "fun" store - to drive home the point that you don't feel that you can trust him to act appropriately. I am not sure that I'd take away something like cuddling with Dad - it's not really related to the transgression, and I try not to make affection from mom or dad contingent on good behavior, especially when the poor behavior occurred several hours before.



That's what I was thinking too. I also think that on these rough days the extra one on one bedtime snuggles really resets everything and helps. I wouldn't look at that as a reward or anything. I just wouldn't pair the store behavior with that activity.

You handled it well. I'm sorry it went down that way!

Beth

[Katigre]

I wouldn't give an additional consequence after the fact except for talking with him about the situation and letting him know how you'll handle it in the future.


He held onto them for a few minutes and then the tears started. He couldn't decide. I went over the pros and cons of each to help him decide, but he continued to cry and tell me he couldn't choose. If it had been DH he would've gotten both, and L knows this, so he started crying for Daddy. He also found a third thing that was above his limit and I told him he couldn't have that, but maybe he could put it on his wish list. He proceeded to have a full-out tantrum in the middle of the store. Screaming, crying, rolling around. Unbelievably embarrassing- all I could think was other people were thinking, "What a spoiled brat." The doors were open to the store and you could hear him outside, too. It was ridiculous.

I tried to calm him down and gave him a warning that if he didn't stop he wouldn't even get the whoopie cushion. That made it even worse and when I took the two things he was deciding over away he knocked over a display the SA's had just set up. I was now mortified and trying to get all three kids out of the store. M started to cry because she didn't want to leave, but when she saw my look as I told her to stop- she immediately stopped. Luckily the car was right outside the door, but I literally had to drag L out of the store, alternating between under his arm and grabbing the back of his coat (because I also had to carry C to get her out).
It is really hard to think in the moment. But from this descsription, the biggest thing I see is that there was too much talking/reasoning going on when he was starting to lose it, and instead there should have been a MUCH quicker exit from the store - at the point that he was not deciding I would have either chosen for him (forcing kids to make choices all the time can backfire) or when things escalated would have said - "We are leaving" and done it. The logistics of getting out of the store with multiple kids is challenging, so you just do the best you can to get out of there. This stops the situation, and also protects your childs and your own dignifty from having a full on meltdown in public.


]It took everything in my power not to spank him, and I don't know, maybe that would've been justified, but as angry as I get, I really try not to spank. I sent him to his room and he is just now coming out.
Spanking would have been neither here nor there - it wasn't going to calm him down or make him capable of decision-making.


So WWYD? I already told him that DH will not be laying down with him at bed tonight (that is his new consequence for bad behavior since it's the only thing that seems to work). I called DH I told him he would not be laying down with L, so he is already prepared for that. I feel like leaving the store without anything was also a good consequence, should I just let it go now? I'm still shaking!
Let it go now, learn from it for the future.

[sste]

Oh Larsmal, I wish I had the answers. When I see that type of thing I feel nothing but sympathy and I have to assume others do too.

My son is younger but somewhat precocious in his bratty spells at least (!) so I have a little idea of what you are going through. Recently, I have been remembering back to that 3-6 y/o time period in my life. I have such vivid memories of how I hated when people helped and I had to start at the absolute beginning of whatever to "erase" the help, how hard it was to make decisions, and how important - - as in life and death - - things like toys seemed. I mean it is a BIG deal - - toys are kind of their "career" at that age. And I can see how hard it must be to not be an independent agent. Sometimes I think that it must happen at least 50 times PER DAY, and that is a normal day, that DS is having to do what I want or conform to someone else's program or agenda. Don't get me wrong, its part of socialization and you absolutely did the right thing. But, I think all the time I would find it hard to live as a child (and in fact did) because I waaaaaay into controlling my environment. I see the same thing in my DS already at age 3.

Anyway, I have been doing alot of sincere empathizing, reflecting back ("These toys are really important and you want them. It is really hard!"), and when DS calms down, giving him reasons and trying to negotiate (e.g., we need to save our money for our next disney trip; we need to save toys for some other kids that don't have as many - - that one works well with my DS for some reason; we can talk about another toy next week/month/etc for your bday/holiday/grandparent visit).

It does help. I try to do this as much as possible. But, I confess that some days I just cannot talk I am so mad - -yesterday I started bawling in the car after a very overtired DS had so many meltdowns I couldn't keep track of which one he was on!

[pinkmomagain]

We went to the little toy shop a few minutes away from our house after school today.

Honestly, this is what stood out in your post to me. Could he have been tired/hungry after school?

It sounds like you handled it well. I would try again may be one day earlier over the weekend. When he's just had breakfast or lunch and slept well.

[infocrazy]

FWIW, I have been there.

I would have done the same thing, seriously. I probably wouldn't have taken away the Daddy time, but I get that it is your currency and I feel since you told him that, you need to follow through on it.

When everyone is calmed down, I would probably replay the situation and talk about what could have gone differently and how next time, you will leave at the first sign of a fit.

[justlearning]

I have also had to carry out a child from a store crying before and have been mortified about creating a huge scene. So hugs to you and kudos to you for not giving into his demands when he started throwing the tantrum. If I had 3 young kids, I don't think I'd be brave enough to ever try to go into a store with them!

Some things did jump out to me in your post (in addition to the issue that PPs have addressed regarding going after school when he may be especially cranky and hungry). First, from what you described, it sounds like it may help your son if you had some rules set in place that you and your DH always followed when it comes to buying (or not buying) him things. It sounds like he destroyed a toy that was given to him, but he was then told that he could get a replacement with the money from grandparents. But instead of you or your DH getting the toy from the store on your own and giving it to him, you took him into a store filled with temptations. And then he asked you if you could buy something else than what he had already been promised. At this point you said yes--even though that presumably went against what you had told him beforehand regarding what he was going to get to buy at the store--but you said that the toy couldn't be too expensive. I think it's really hard for a 5-year-old to grasp how expensive something is. So if he had brought you two toys that were $1 each, would you have said yes? My guess is that you would have. So perhaps that may have happened in the past too, leading him to expect that it could happen again. But in this case, he brought you two toys that were more than that and thus the two toys together became "too expensive." But at that point he already had his heart set on getting both. And from your post, it sounds like he's used to having your DH give him what he wants if he makes his wishes known loudly enough, which is another problem.

I'm not trying to preach at you here because I fully admit that I have committed way worse parenting mistakes of my own, but I did just want to describe the pattern here in case it's helpful to see it from an outsider's perspective (which obviously may be inaccurate due to insufficient info). In the future, I'd decide before going to the store what you will allow to happen in the store. If your desire is for your son to pick out a $5 or under toy, for example, then tell him that he can pick out ONE toy as long as the first number on the price tag starts with a 1, 2, 3, or, 4. If he comes at with you two toys, even if they're both $1, the answer would be no--you said just ONE toy. If he brings you a toy that starts with a 5 or higher, then you'd remind him of the rules and say no to that toy. And if you could teach your DH to do the same and not respond to your son's tantrums, that'd be great as well. My point here is to have specific expectations that are easy to communicate, easy for your child to understand, and easily enforceable (unlike the "not too expensive" rule).

My point also is to think through what you want to do beforehand so you're not responding to him in the store. In your example, it sounds like you only decided to let him get something after he asked you if he could. So in that way, he's learning that asking for things can get him things. I think that setting up the pattern may lead to more tantrums in the future unfortunately.

Lastly, I also agree with PP that taking away Daddy's affection for his tantrum isn't a good idea IMO.

I'm sorry if this post does seem harsh. It's truly not my intention--I just wanted to share what came to my mind in case that's helpful to you in assessing the situation and figuring out ways to reduce the likelihood that you'll have to endure a similar situation again.

[hillview]

Hey I think you handled it really well. We've btdt and honestly I have felt like geez DS1 you are 5! Come ON! DS1 is 2 months older than your DS. That said I think you did a great job (seriously 3 kids). I would think about what you think might have been a trigger 9 (hunger? too many choices? rotten day at school? etc.) and try to determine what you might do next time. I agree that no toys leaving store is a great set of consequences.

I find with DS1 that talking in the evening before bed it a good thing. He talks a lot more than usual and I get to the root of a lot of things going on for him. He can explain what happened during a melt down or why he got so angry or whatever the situation is. We talk about what he would do differently next time and I do the same. Yesterday he hit DS2 really hard. He was VERY mad. Last night before bed he told me a bunch of stuff that was bothering him at school. Anyway. Keep the lines of communication open. I think if having DH lay down with him is a good place for him to talk I would encourage this.

Finally (and this is random) but the only other idea I had was to write a note to the store owner (or staff) to apologize for in proper behavior. I think taking responsibility for your actions is a big deal. I've never done this but for some reason your post made me think this.

Good luck!
/hillary

[Laurel]

I think you did a great job. We've all been there.

For me the consequence of leaving the store empty-handed fits the "crime" well. I would not withhold "special" time with a parent as a consequence, no matter how well it works (although I think you should tonight since you already told him this would happen).

Again, great parenting!

[Tondi G]

Ooooh girl.... you handled it SO well. I know if my child behaved like that, spanking him would have crossed my mind too. Though like you, I would have managed to keep it together and know that spanking wasn't going to solve anything. Glad you were about to control yourself in that regard. I am sorry you went through all that and the shaking and teeth gritting would have been the same reaction I would have had. My 5.5 yr old begs and pleads for things every time we go shopping. We have left with him in tears before and we have discussed with him that any time he asks and then it turns into begging or tears, he will walk out with nothing. He is just beginning to understand this cause we stand firm with it, EVERY TIME!

In the future I would tell him "you have 3 minutes to decide which one you want, if you haven't made a decision in that time you will get your whoopie cushion and you will have to decide what else you would like to buy with your money and we will come back another time. PERIOD. If he starts in with the tears then you turn and walk out of the store without anything.

If my child had thrown a tantrum and knocked down a store display I might make him apologize for his bad behavior to those employees when we return to the store again or maybe have him write a letter (even if it never gets sent to the store, at least it would give him time to think about his behavior).

HUGS ... being a mama and standing strong and providing structure for your kiddos is rough sometimes.

~Tondi

[LarsMal]

Thank you all for the responses. I wanted to comment on some of what was said, but I think there's too much to do multiple quotes so I'll just see what I can remember!

- No Daddy snuggle time. This is actually a consequence DH came up with the other day after L nailed M in the head with the Tag pen out of anger and made her bleed. Nothing else works for him- TV, favorite toys- he doesn't care. The warning about Daddy not going to bed with him makes him think. It's not just a few minutes of snuggle time, either. DH and L go into L's room around 9:00 every night. They read books and play games until about 9:30 then the lights are supposed to go off and DH is "allowed" to stay in there until 10 and then leave, whether or not L is awake. He falls asleep almost every night of the week with him so I don't see DH after 9PM (and he usually doesn't get home until 8). Anyway, that's a whole 'nother issue, but the "no Daddy at bedtime" doesn't factor in their special time from 9-9:30. It's just that at 9:30 DH is supposed to tuck him in and then leave the room. So, it's not completely taking away their time.

- Going after school. Normally I don't do things right after school (except for swimming on M and W right now). I always bring a snack for the car ride home from school, we go home and relax, and then sometimes go to the gym or maybe run an errand if I have to. They were in such good moods when I picked them up I decided they could handle it. I should've known better! And to the pp who said I should've just gone and gotten the whoopie cushion myself- you are totally right! He didn't mean to break it, and was very upset when he did, which is why we decided he could get the new one...with his own money.

- Setting rules before we go into the store. Yes, I should have been more specific with him and will be in the future. And yes, DH needs to get on board with not giving in to every one of L's wants...and he knows this. I just need to remind him again!

There are definitely some things I could've done better, but in the moment I did the best I could. The reason I didn't run out at the first sign of the tears was because M and C were also looking at and playing with some toys. It's a small store and they were kind of spread out- within site, but not all within reach. Those couple minutes of total meltdown are actually a blur!

I wish I didn't have to to so much with all three kids in tow, but again, that is a whole 'nother issue!!

[ShanaMama]

I think that the natural consequence of behaving poorly in a store is that you go home empty handed, so good job! Perhaps a good extension of the lesson would be to leave him home the next time you go to a "fun" store - to drive home the point that you don't feel that you can trust him to act appropriately. I am not sure that I'd take away something like cuddling with Dad - it's not really related to the transgression, and I try not to make affection from mom or dad contingent on good behavior, especially when the poor behavior occurred several hours before.

I agree with everything Green Tea said (except I don't know what it's like having 3 in 3.5!)



Another thing I've noticed- and again, could just be our weird situation- is that the more I try to control the meltdowns, the worse they get. Sometimes if I just stop and hug him for a minute and empathize with whatever it is he's struggling with, that will snap him out of it- and I know, that's probably the last thing in the world you felt like doing, but it really does work sometimes. (Other times, not so much, and then I'm doubly ticked)
This is also a good point. Although it's so very hard, when I'm able to do this with DD1 it really helps.
I can totally relate to how hard it can be to be out & deal with tantrums. This isn't easy but you really need to forget about everyone else & just deal with the situation. The added stress of what everyone must be thinking can really put you over the edge. Spanking out of anger is never a good discipline tactic IMHO. I'm glad you didn't spank him, although I totally understand the desire....

[Green_Tea]

- No Daddy snuggle time. This is actually a consequence DH came up with the other day after L nailed M in the head with the Tag pen out of anger and made her bleed. Nothing else works for him- TV, favorite toys- he doesn't care. The warning about Daddy not going to bed with him makes him think. It's not just a few minutes of snuggle time, either. DH and L go into L's room around 9:00 every night. They read books and play games until about 9:30 then the lights are supposed to go off and DH is "allowed" to stay in there until 10 and then leave, whether or not L is awake. He falls asleep almost every night of the week with him so I don't see DH after 9PM (and he usually doesn't get home until 8). Anyway, that's a whole 'nother issue, but the "no Daddy at bedtime" doesn't factor in their special time from 9-9:30. It's just that at 9:30 DH is supposed to tuck him in and then leave the room. So, it's not completely taking away their time.

I know you've been experiencing a lot of frustration with DS lately, and I am wondering if perhaps he's chronically overtired? 9:30 or 10 pm is pretty late for a 5.5 year old who goes to school each day to fall asleep. I know that my DD who is 6.5 is a holy wreck on less than 10 hours of sleep. Maybe a little more rest would help?

[LarsMal]

I know you've been experiencing a lot of frustration with DS lately, and I am wondering if perhaps he's chronically overtired? 9:30 or 10 pm is pretty late for a 5.5 year old who goes to school each day to fall asleep. I know that my DD who is 6.5 is a holy wreck on less than 10 hours of sleep. Maybe a little more rest would help?

I would love for him to go to sleep earlier, and I'm constantly setting rules about this that are completely ignored (starting to see a pattern/source of the real issues in my life?!).

DS goes to PM pre-K. He actually sleeps in until 9 or 9:30 every morning, sometimes as late as 10. I would love an earlier bedtime, but he does get an average of 11 hours/night.

[Green_Tea]

I would love for him to go to sleep earlier, and I'm constantly setting rules about this that are completely ignored (starting to see a pattern/source of the real issues in my life?!).

DS goes to PM pre-K. He actually sleeps in until 9 or 9:30 every morning, sometimes as late as 10. I would love an earlier bedtime, but he does get an average of 11 hours/night.

It's good that he can get the extra sleep in the AM. Carry on :).

[justlearning]

Julie,

I read your responses and really feel for you! That must be so very difficult to have three young kids on your own until your DH gets home at 8:00. I know if I were in your shoes, I'd be going absolutely crazy and would probably be throwing tantrums and crying all the time myself! :)

As I read your responses, my 5-year-old got into my lap and started singing a song from his Sunday School songs CD. He's singing now "Do not judge or you too will be judged."

So now I'm feeling badly about writing my earlier post--I do hope that it didn't come across as judging but rather as trying to offer a perspective that might be helpful. I think you took it as I intended, but I did want to make it clear that I think you're doing a fantastic job of being a great mom to your three kids and maintaining control of yourself even when you're literally trying to carry 3 kids out of the store!

Hopefully, your DH will be able to help you out more and follow your example of being consistent and not giving in to the kids. Again, hugs to you...

[mctlaw]

No good advice but wanted to say I feel for you and I commiserate. DS has occasional tantrums but when they happen they can be whoppers. Over the weekend at the park when a little giril wouldn't "share" a snowball, he had a lay-down-on-the-ground kicking and screaming meltdown and I literally dragged him home.

[MamaMolly]

OMG justlearning, you have totally described me!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know about anyone else, but I am so grateful for this post. Talk about WOW. :eek: It is like seeing a mirror of myself. Spooky. I am going to sit down and REALLY think about my shopping and spending, and what I'm teaching Lula. Because we have been having similar issues with Lula, and now I'm seeing how *I'm* contributing to it. Just WOW. Thanks.






Some things did jump out to me in your post (in addition to the issue that PPs have addressed regarding going after school when he may be especially cranky and hungry). First, from what you described, it sounds like it may help your son if you had some rules set in place that you and your DH always followed when it comes to buying (or not buying) him things. It sounds like he destroyed a toy that was given to him, but he was then told that he could get a replacement with the money from grandparents. But instead of you or your DH getting the toy from the store on your own and giving it to him, you took him into a store filled with temptations. And then he asked you if you could buy something else than what he had already been promised. At this point you said yes--even though that presumably went against what you had told him beforehand regarding what he was going to get to buy at the store--but you said that the toy couldn't be too expensive. I think it's really hard for a 5-year-old to grasp how expensive something is. So if he had brought you two toys that were $1 each, would you have said yes? My guess is that you would have. So perhaps that may have happened in the past too, leading him to expect that it could happen again. But in this case, he brought you two toys that were more than that and thus the two toys together became "too expensive." But at that point he already had his heart set on getting both. And from your post, it sounds like he's used to having your DH give him what he wants if he makes his wishes known loudly enough, which is another problem.
.

[LarsMal]

Julie,

I read your responses and really feel for you! That must be so very difficult to have three young kids on your own until your DH gets home at 8:00. I know if I were in your shoes, I'd be going absolutely crazy and would probably be throwing tantrums and crying all the time myself! :)

As I read your responses, my 5-year-old got into my lap and started singing a song from his Sunday School songs CD. He's singing now "Do not judge or you too will be judged."

So now I'm feeling badly about writing my earlier post--I do hope that it didn't come across as judging but rather as trying to offer a perspective that might be helpful. I think you took it as I intended, but I did want to make it clear that I think you're doing a fantastic job of being a great mom to your three kids and maintaining control of yourself even when you're literally trying to carry 3 kids out of the store!

Hopefully, your DH will be able to help you out more and follow your example of being consistent and not giving in to the kids. Again, hugs to you...


No worries- I didn't take it as judging at all. You brought up some really good points (especially about spending) and some things to think about in the future. I appreciate your response. I know it's hard to fully understand the situation without all the info. I wasn't offended! Thanks for the hugs- :hug: back to you!

[MamaMolly]

Oh Julie, I think you handled things well. Lula is doing similar things, she just sincerely can't choose between A or B. Tears and meltdowns ensue, and you did much better than I do. I feel so guilty about what we are going through (away from home for 2+ months because DH is sick) that I just give in. I really need to think hard about short term vs. long term solutions.

[mommylamb]

I think that the natural consequence of behaving poorly in a store is that you go home empty handed, so good job! Perhaps a good extension of the lesson would be to leave him home the next time you go to a "fun" store - to drive home the point that you don't feel that you can trust him to act appropriately. I am not sure that I'd take away something like cuddling with Dad - it's not really related to the transgression, and I try not to make affection from mom or dad contingent on good behavior, especially when the poor behavior occurred several hours before.

Can you withhold dessert instead? Or no TV/screen time?

ETA: I just noticed in your signature that you had your three kids in 3.5 years. Me too. I SO feel your pain!

:yeahthat: Totally agree. If you do end up using cuddle time as a special treat that can be taken away for bad behavior, I'd make sure it's your DH taking it away and not you. You don't want him to feel like Daddy is the nice guy and you're keeping him from cuddling with the nice guy. Don't make yourself out to be the bad guy.

[amldaley]

No advice really, just this :hug:

DD is much younger than your "L", but the only thing I have found really successful, at all, is prepping her. Laying down the ground rules before we go, and on the way, over and over and over again, like a mantra, so then when we get wherever or approach whatever, she is so focused that I can reason away the distractions and impulses.

That said, again, she is much younger and I may be delusional that this will work longer term or with a kid in a different stage of development!