ilfaith
02-19-2011, 08:53 AM
The basic issue is that DH wants to pull DS1 out of the private school where he is now and switch him to public school next year. I want him to remain where he is.
A bit of background...DS1 has always been a very bright boy...reading before he turned four, with a tremendous thirst for knowledge. On the other hand he has always had behavior issues at school, and to a lesser extent, at home. Some of these issues include problems paying attention, following directions and managing his frustration. He's a summer birthday, and has always been the youngest boy in his class, so for a while we attributed some of his issues to immaturity, but by kindergarten (last year), his attention hadn't improved and tantrums/meltdowns were still occurring on a pretty regular basis. I began getting pretty regular calls home from the school about his (mis)behavior. It was suggested that we look outside for a behavior specialist.
I should add at this point that his school has a reputation for having very high expectations of its students. It is a private Jewish day school with excellent academic standards and a very involved group of parents. They have a long day, which begins at 8:15 and doesn't end until 3:45. There is a dual curriculum and part of the day is Hebrew immersion.
I will also say that nearly every BOY in DS1's class seems to have received similar communication from the school (two boys in the class actually were removed from the school over the course of the year). A tidbit of information I discovered after we took our son for a psychological evaluation. The doctor told us our son had an IQ which put him in the "gifted" category and his behavior was not out of line with what one could expect from a then 5.75-year-old. She said he did seem to have some issues with attention, but that it was a bit early to diagnose him with ADD/ADHD and recommended another evaluation in a year or so. She did agree that he would probably benefit from some behavior therapy, but said that was true for nearly every boy his age.
Now DS1 is in first grade, and the behavior in school really has not improved. We recently did begin to see a behavior therapist who has given him some tools to cope with his frustration management. She said she knew about the reputation of the school, and had even looked into it for her own children years ago. She claimed that many private schools (not that she was going to name names) "expect the children to be perfect little robots" and that boys had a particularly tough time.
My husband has never been as involved with the boys' education as I would like (beyond paying the checks to the school) He travels frequently on business and isn't around much for the daily homework, or the various school functions (open houses, conferences, plays, fundraisers, etc). But last week when I had scheduled a meeting with DS1's teacher, the head of school and a therapist who works with the school, I begged DS to join us. He did, but after the meeting, where the teacher, head of school and school therapist discussed DS1's behavior and how we all need to work together to improve it, DH decided that the school "didn't know how to handle our son" and wants to pull him out and send him to public school next year.
I want to say that the public schools in our city (really the entire state) do not have the greatest reputation. Although our local school is one of the better-rated ones, the class sizes are large (twice the size of our current class) and there is always the issue of "teaching to the test" something that teacher friends of mine complain about bitterly.
Our current school is affiliated with our synagogue and I have been very active with the both the day school and pre-school (room mom, parent associations, chairing various committees) as well as with the congregation (sisterhood board). Really I would have to say my entire social life is pretty much wrapped up in the school. I didn't have many friends until my kids began school here. I never felt I really fit in with my neighbors (the one New York Jew among a bunch of southern Christians). I feel like the school has become something of a second home for me.
My husband, thinks I am being selfish in wanting to keep DS1 at the school for my own needs, but I also do think he is getting a wonderful education. I love that he is learning Hebrew (even though I can barely read it and nether DH nor I speak the language) and the school does send their graduates to the best high schools, nearly all of them getting into the advanced placement or IB programs. They have a fabulous art program and an inspiring music teacher (who happens to be a good friend of mine...we were friends before she started teaching at the school). Even though it's a small school they have an amazing library...Phys. Ed. is less impressive (not to play into stereotypes, but it is a Jewish school after all).
Now if we take DS1 out of the private school and send him to public school we would also move DS2 (who is currently in the preschool at our temple and will be entering kindergarten next year) so both boys would be leaving all their friends behind to start at a new school. I then would have to decide whether to send DS3 (who will begin preschool next year) to the school at our temple, or to another, more convenient, preschool (which also has an excellent program...but doesn't feel as much like "family")
I've gone on far too long in this message and I am not sure if I have gotten my point across. I am sure I will come back later to edit for the sake of clarity. I haven't yet been able to talk to any of my friends about this, but it's keeping me up nights. I guess what it boils down to is that I am afraid my boys will not get as good an education at the public school and that our family might not fit in as well.
And that brings me to one last issue...the fact that greater than my concern about leaving my friends at the current school behind, is my concern about DS1 making friends. His current class, his entire grade, has only 14 kids. There are days he comes home and says "nobody likes me..I have no friends". I am certain that his behavior in school, his crying and meltdowns, are putting off the other children in his class. (There are, however days that he does tell me he does have friends and played with so-and-so...it seems at this age kids go from being BFFs to bitter enemies at the drop of a hat.) The fact is, if he stays in this school, these same 14 kids will be each others classmates for the next seven years. In the public school he will be in a class of 25+ students, with a half dozen or so classes per grade. Obviously a much larger pool of kids with whom to develop friendships. Of course these kids will come from a variety of backgrounds, rather than being a group of upper-middle class Jewish kids like him...which I suppose is a good thing. DH and I are both products of public schools ourselves. I just want to make the right decision for our family...and I'm afraid my somewhat geeky, book-loving, eyeglass-wearing, super-sensitive little boy is going to have a hard time.
A bit of background...DS1 has always been a very bright boy...reading before he turned four, with a tremendous thirst for knowledge. On the other hand he has always had behavior issues at school, and to a lesser extent, at home. Some of these issues include problems paying attention, following directions and managing his frustration. He's a summer birthday, and has always been the youngest boy in his class, so for a while we attributed some of his issues to immaturity, but by kindergarten (last year), his attention hadn't improved and tantrums/meltdowns were still occurring on a pretty regular basis. I began getting pretty regular calls home from the school about his (mis)behavior. It was suggested that we look outside for a behavior specialist.
I should add at this point that his school has a reputation for having very high expectations of its students. It is a private Jewish day school with excellent academic standards and a very involved group of parents. They have a long day, which begins at 8:15 and doesn't end until 3:45. There is a dual curriculum and part of the day is Hebrew immersion.
I will also say that nearly every BOY in DS1's class seems to have received similar communication from the school (two boys in the class actually were removed from the school over the course of the year). A tidbit of information I discovered after we took our son for a psychological evaluation. The doctor told us our son had an IQ which put him in the "gifted" category and his behavior was not out of line with what one could expect from a then 5.75-year-old. She said he did seem to have some issues with attention, but that it was a bit early to diagnose him with ADD/ADHD and recommended another evaluation in a year or so. She did agree that he would probably benefit from some behavior therapy, but said that was true for nearly every boy his age.
Now DS1 is in first grade, and the behavior in school really has not improved. We recently did begin to see a behavior therapist who has given him some tools to cope with his frustration management. She said she knew about the reputation of the school, and had even looked into it for her own children years ago. She claimed that many private schools (not that she was going to name names) "expect the children to be perfect little robots" and that boys had a particularly tough time.
My husband has never been as involved with the boys' education as I would like (beyond paying the checks to the school) He travels frequently on business and isn't around much for the daily homework, or the various school functions (open houses, conferences, plays, fundraisers, etc). But last week when I had scheduled a meeting with DS1's teacher, the head of school and a therapist who works with the school, I begged DS to join us. He did, but after the meeting, where the teacher, head of school and school therapist discussed DS1's behavior and how we all need to work together to improve it, DH decided that the school "didn't know how to handle our son" and wants to pull him out and send him to public school next year.
I want to say that the public schools in our city (really the entire state) do not have the greatest reputation. Although our local school is one of the better-rated ones, the class sizes are large (twice the size of our current class) and there is always the issue of "teaching to the test" something that teacher friends of mine complain about bitterly.
Our current school is affiliated with our synagogue and I have been very active with the both the day school and pre-school (room mom, parent associations, chairing various committees) as well as with the congregation (sisterhood board). Really I would have to say my entire social life is pretty much wrapped up in the school. I didn't have many friends until my kids began school here. I never felt I really fit in with my neighbors (the one New York Jew among a bunch of southern Christians). I feel like the school has become something of a second home for me.
My husband, thinks I am being selfish in wanting to keep DS1 at the school for my own needs, but I also do think he is getting a wonderful education. I love that he is learning Hebrew (even though I can barely read it and nether DH nor I speak the language) and the school does send their graduates to the best high schools, nearly all of them getting into the advanced placement or IB programs. They have a fabulous art program and an inspiring music teacher (who happens to be a good friend of mine...we were friends before she started teaching at the school). Even though it's a small school they have an amazing library...Phys. Ed. is less impressive (not to play into stereotypes, but it is a Jewish school after all).
Now if we take DS1 out of the private school and send him to public school we would also move DS2 (who is currently in the preschool at our temple and will be entering kindergarten next year) so both boys would be leaving all their friends behind to start at a new school. I then would have to decide whether to send DS3 (who will begin preschool next year) to the school at our temple, or to another, more convenient, preschool (which also has an excellent program...but doesn't feel as much like "family")
I've gone on far too long in this message and I am not sure if I have gotten my point across. I am sure I will come back later to edit for the sake of clarity. I haven't yet been able to talk to any of my friends about this, but it's keeping me up nights. I guess what it boils down to is that I am afraid my boys will not get as good an education at the public school and that our family might not fit in as well.
And that brings me to one last issue...the fact that greater than my concern about leaving my friends at the current school behind, is my concern about DS1 making friends. His current class, his entire grade, has only 14 kids. There are days he comes home and says "nobody likes me..I have no friends". I am certain that his behavior in school, his crying and meltdowns, are putting off the other children in his class. (There are, however days that he does tell me he does have friends and played with so-and-so...it seems at this age kids go from being BFFs to bitter enemies at the drop of a hat.) The fact is, if he stays in this school, these same 14 kids will be each others classmates for the next seven years. In the public school he will be in a class of 25+ students, with a half dozen or so classes per grade. Obviously a much larger pool of kids with whom to develop friendships. Of course these kids will come from a variety of backgrounds, rather than being a group of upper-middle class Jewish kids like him...which I suppose is a good thing. DH and I are both products of public schools ourselves. I just want to make the right decision for our family...and I'm afraid my somewhat geeky, book-loving, eyeglass-wearing, super-sensitive little boy is going to have a hard time.