Awkward situation.... Help me!!!! (long)

[mom2one]

Just got put in a very awkward situation. My DS is having his birthday party this weekend. He invited who he wanted to invite and I was fine with that. Most of the kids are coming from his class, but a few are from a few other classes.

E's mother just confronted me, as school was getting out, if her son was invited to the party. Here is some info on E: E is in another class. E does play with my DS and several of the same friends on the playground after school. We also see E (along with many other friends) at a weekly scheduled afterschool playdate at a park. We met other friends at chuck e cheese yesterday and E and his family came also.

So E's mom point blank asked me if was invited to the party because everyone is talking about it and asking her if E is coming also, she even hints at maybe the invite got lost in the mail. No, E was not invited. She tells me that she and E are very hurt and how can this be with my DS and E play together all the time. I explain to her that we could only invite a certain number of kids (being held at a place) and that DS mainly invited kids from his class and a few other friends.

I can understand her feeling left out because of how often we see them and the fact that most of the kids that hang out after school and on this weekly playdate are coming. I did not tell her that my son does not like E and does not enjoy playing with E. I think DS tolerates E, because he is also good friends with his BF. SO that is why E did not get invited. I tried having the talk with my DS about how we do things out of kindness and not wanting to hurt other feelings, but he did not want a party if E had to come. So in the end, I did not invite E.

I honestly did not think she would ask why E did not get to come. While I see her, we are not buddy, buddy friends. She is nice, but we will not be BF.

She really hurt my feelings in this conversation by stating that E did not get invited because they are from another country. I was shocked and made my point clear that was not the reason. I reinstated that only a few kids could come. After the party list was filled up from classmates and DS chose who he wanted to come the most from other friends. I even told her that our neighbor across the street did not get invited.

I just feel awful - I feel sad, angry and ready to have a drink all at once. Why can't people invite who they want to partys? Got any advice for me?


This is me, I feel like I have been beat up.

:15:

[SnuggleBuggles]

It was really awkward of her to confront you. I'm sorry.

I would have probably strongly encouraged your ds to have invited the kid since he really seems to be a big part of his social circle. It's just easier to include people sometimes. I know you tried to get him to do it and it didn't work though. I'm not really sure what you can do about this now. Just continue being friendly, as friendly as you were before. Hopefully things will smooth out over time or people will move on.

Beth

[smiles33]

Yikes! I think that mom stepped WAY over the line and I'm so sorry you are feeling beat-up. You have every right to limit the invitation list. Personally, I am not in the crowd of "everyone gets an invite" for parties. It doesn't make sense financially or logistically.

I can understand feeling badly when your DC is "excluded" from a party that other little kids know about, but frankly, that's life and it's a lesson every child needs to learn. I hate dealing with helicopter parents of grown children (e.g., college-aged or older!!!!) who insist on "protecting" or advocating for their kids and I think it starts with situations like this, where a mom confronts another parent because she wants to force an invitation for her child.

As for the cultural/racial implications she raised, I think it may be an overactive imagination on her part (or maybe defensiveness?). It's easy to blame other reasons for your child's exclusion, especially if the real reason is that your DC just doesn't like E.

Anyhow, hugs to you. Don't let her get under your skin like this. Your DS shouldn't be forced to invite someone he doesn't like.

[ThreeofUs]

ITA that the mom was way out of line. These are the breaks, and not everyone is going to be good friends. For her to play the "we're from another country" card seems to me to be an attempt at blatant manipulation.

Have a drink and think how you're going to talk about this with your son. You probably ought to give him words to deal with the fallout.

Sorry you had to go through this. Hugs.

[stefani]

Ugh, I am sorry that you have to deal with that.

While in principle it is good to be inclusive, the reality is that for most of us we want to invite more people than we have resources for. I always have a much longer list of invitees and then I have to trim the guest list because it is just not reasonable to invite everyone. I also believe that we should be free to choose our guests.

I don't have any advice for you, and I have not dealt with the same situation either, but I have witnessed a "confrontation" before. It was awkward to say the least.

Enjoy the party, and try not to let this spoil it :-)

[lmwbasye]

Oh, so sorry. That mom was way out of line...esp with the "from another country" line. Sounds like she's not someone you would want to be friends with anyway, but I understand why you feel bad.

Try not to. You and DS have done nothing wrong and you know that. This mom will just have to get over it.

Hugs!

[hellokitty]

I'm sorry, but despite whatever country the other mom was from, it was really rude for her to confront you like that. I can see why you feel like you've been run over and cornered. I'd feel the same way. FWIW, my parents and in laws are both from, "another country" and they are pretty clueless about american etiquette when it comes to this sort of thing, even though both have been here for almost 40 yrs. Try not to take it too personally, take it as she is a rude and ignorant person about american culture, so she's the one who is the problem. I can actually see something like this happening in my parents and in laws social circle (someone confronting someone else about not being invited to something and causing big drama over it), BUT while it may be ok in some cultures to become mortally offended by something like this, this woman is in america, and she needs to realize, that's just not the way things work here.

[HIU8]

I agree. The mom should not have confronted you. That was just wrong. I felt bad b/c my DD was not invited to a party of a little girl in her class. The whole class was not invited--just the kids with the really hip popular moms (there is a clique of mom's at DD's preschool). I felt bad b/c some of the kids talked about the party to DD. I explained to her that the whole class was not invited. She does not want this child at her party this year. I have not decided if we are inviting the whole class or not. If we do, we are inviting the child b/c it's just wrong not to include one person. If we don't do the whole class, this little girl is not on the invite list (DD doesn't really play with her. Her mom steers her to the perceived "cool" kids).

[KrisM]

DS1 was not invited to the party of a good friend this year. I am good friends with the mom and she had discussed where the party would be, etc with me early on. Then, her son made the list and only invited kids from his school. But, she didn't say this to me. Finally, the week of the birthday, I did ask about it, because I was making our plans for that day. Turns out he wasn't invited and she said why. It never occurred to me to question more about it or to push her or even mention that DS would be hurt by it. And, I only asked because we had had coversations about the party. So, we've been in those shoes.

Anyhow, I'm sorry she put you in such an awkward situation and pushed so much about it.

I completely agree with inviting kids that your kid wants to invite, unless it's leaving out 2 kids in the class or something.

[cmo]

My son is the same age as yours, and I had this thread in the BP last year:
http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=356699

As kids get older, they really do develop a good sense of who they like and get along with, and sometimes that crosses delicate lines. Stick to your guns, and just let this go --- the other mom will hopefully clue in before too long, when her own child starts expressing preferences!

[ha98ed14]

If we don't do the whole class, this little girl is not on the invite list (DD doesn't really play with her. Her mom steers her to the perceived "cool" kids).

I remember that our DD's are within a month of each other. Please, tell me what does "cool" look like in the 3 1/2 y.o. set? I know what you mean by "clique of moms"; there's one here too that I am not a part of, but their kids are just as ordinary as mine. What are 3.5 y.o.s aware of that make some cool and others not? Is it about clothes? Are they conscious that they are wearing Boden/Hanna/Gymbo v. Cherokee/Circo/Sonoma? My mommy's Odyssey is better than your mommy's Sienna, which is better than your mommy's Dodge Caravan?

[gatorsmom]

I remember that our DD's are within a month of each other. Please, tell me what does "cool" look like in the 3 1/2 y.o. set? I know what you mean by "clique of moms"; there's one here too that I am not a part of, but their kids are just as ordinary as mine. What are 3.5 y.o.s aware of that make some cool and others not? Is it about clothes? Are they conscious that they are wearing Boden/Hanna/Gymbo v. Cherokee/Circo/Sonoma? My mommy's Odyssey is better than your mommy's Sienna, which is better than your mommy's Dodge Caravan?

Oh, they are not that difficult to spot, if you know what you are looking for. At least here you know the "cool" kids and parents because the kids come to school wearing the newest Gap outfits- you know the ones currently on display in the window at the mall. And when commercials come on NickJr for particular fancy shoes, the cool kids are already wearing them. When their moms come to pick them up from school, they have the newest designer bags being displayed in store windows, and they buy their clothes and shoes from high end boutiques. Oh, and they drive their kids around in higher- end cars. Seriously, you've never noticed these people?

I'm not saying the kids think their classmates at 3.5yo are cool (although mine would yell out during commercials, "oh, C has those shoes! Oh, look, mom, C has that backpack!") but I think the parents might set up more playdates with C's mom and might encourage their kid to play with C more at school.

OP, I'd try to encourage my child to invite E to his party. If he didn't budge, I'd remind him that one day he might be in E's shoes feeling sad about not getting invited to a friend's party. But honestly, I dont' think you should feel bad. It's very possible that E didn't give a hoot about the party and that this is all being driven by the mom. I've run into situations like that before.

[ha98ed14]

Oh, they are not that difficult to spot, if you know what you are looking for. At least here you know the "cool" kids and parents because the kids come to school wearing the newest Gap outfits- you know the ones currently on display in the window at the mall. And when commercials come on NickJr for particular fancy shoes, the cool kids are already wearing them. When their moms come to pick them up from school, they have the newest designer bags being displayed in store windows, and they buy their clothes and shoes from high end boutiques. Oh, and they drive their kids around in higher- end cars. Seriously, you've never noticed these people?

I'm not saying the kids think their classmates at 3.5yo are cool (although mine would yell out during commercials, "oh, C has those shoes! Oh, look, mom, C has that backpack!") but I think the parents might set up more playdates with C's mom and might encourage their kid to play with C more at school.


No, *I* have noticed them, I just did not know if the kids perceived themselves as "cool". But maybe I misunderstood what she mean by "cool kids". I thought it was like the kids considered themselves cool, or other 3.5 yos thought they were cool. My 3.5 DD catagorizes other kids as "nice to me" and "not nice to me".

IMO, the latest designer this and that doesn't mean (or even make) you cool. It means your affluent. Cool (IMO) is a lot more about confidence and how you carry yourself. JMO, tho.

[gatorsmom]

No, *I* have noticed them, I just did not know if the kids perceived themselves as "cool". But maybe I misunderstood what she mean by "cool kids". I thought it was like the kids considered themselves cool, or other 3.5 yos thought they were cool. My 3.5 DD catagorizes other kids as "nice to me" and "not nice to me".

IMO, the latest designer this and that doesn't mean (or even make) you cool. It means your affluent. Cool (IMO) is a lot more about confidence and how you carry yourself. JMO, tho.

IMO, the cool people are the last ones to consider themselves so. Rich, imo, doesn't make you cool. HOWEVER, I think that many people who try to cultivate that image, think it takes money to do so. You know the "keeping up with the Joneses" types. They go into debt to own the nicest cars and live in houses they can't afford.

I don't think that kids perceive that. They do notice when other kids have the newest stuff. At that age, though, I don't think they are impressed by that. They just want that stuff too. :rotflmao: But I think that kids can be steered and manipulated by their parents even at a young age to play with or favor particular kids for any number of reasons.

[spunkybaby]

:hug5: I'm sorry that you got put in an awkward spot and feel beat up.


I can understand her feeling left out because of how often we see them and the fact that most of the kids that hang out after school and on this weekly playdate are coming.

One question though--how many kids are in the group that hangs out after school and how many kids attend the weekly playdate? And out of those, how many weren't invited? Depending on the ratio of invited to not invited in that group, I can totally see why the mom might feel hurt and left out. It doesn't mean that she should have confronted you about though.

[HannaAddict]

Oh my, I know it would be awful and uncomfortable to have that conversation and I wasn't there to know how the "other country" comment was made or came about. I'm sorry. But I really think it is odd how so many people here now say it wasn't okay for her to confront the OP, when this situation has come up before on the boards, with a poster who wasn't the invited party, and pretty much everyone said that the poster should see if the invite was lost or come up with some way to confront that poor mom, thinking it must have been an oversight. We can't have it both ways, and should just take our lumps and not ask if the invite was lost, etc. I can totally see why she said something though, if her son plays with yours and sometimes kids tell us something differently than they exhibit at school (kind of dramatic to say they don't want a party at all if "E" comes, I would have an issue with that). I'm sure she really was confused, her child was confused, the kids are all confused, if someone in their general group, who plays with them, is not invited to the party that everyone is talking about. It is hard and she could have handled it better, maybe there are cultural differences, but I would not be too upset and just really talk to my child about not discussing his party before or after it happens at school, if everyone isn't invited. Not always possible, IRL I know, easier said than done. My heart goes out to this woman and her child, who at the end of the day is a child not invited to a birthday of someone he thinks is his friend and is left out and hurting. This is all hard stuff.

[MamaMolly]

Talk about rude! And pushy! Gee with a mom like that I'm not surprised this kid doesn't have a ton of experience being excluded from social situations. Time will tell, I guess. And to say it is because of them being from another country? That is manipulative and underhanded at best. Because no matter what you say, you look like a jerk.

None of us wants our child to be excluded, but I agree that it is a part of life, and we are going to have to teach them to deal with it. My kid is going to have a turn, your kid will too. How we choose, as parents, to deal with it is what is going to make a difference to our kids. For better or worse.

I'm sorry she pushed so hard and got so nasty. It was uncalled for, and I don't imagine it will get her kid MORE birthday party invitations.

[squimp]

Ouch. So sorry. I would feel the same way. I don't have any problem with people asking me about potentially lost birthday party invites, but wow, she really should have stopped at your explanation.

[HannaAddict]

Talk about rude! And pushy! Gee with a mom like that I'm not surprised this kid doesn't have a ton of experience being excluded from social situations. Time will tell, I guess. And to say it is because of them being from another country? That is manipulative and underhanded at best. Because no matter what you say, you look like a jerk.

None of us wants our child to be excluded, but I agree that it is a part of life, and we are going to have to teach them to deal with it. My kid is going to have a turn, your kid will too. How we choose, as parents, to deal with it is what is going to make a difference to our kids. For better or worse.

I'm sorry she pushed so hard and got so nasty. It was uncalled for, and I don't imagine it will get her kid MORE birthday party invitations.

I didn't hear the OP say the woman was "nasty" at all, nor "underhanded." That is a lot of mean spirited baggage you are putting on this woman. I know the OP was caught in a bad situation and it had to be awfully uncomfortable. But your post seems far more judgmental about the woman asking an honest question about her child's exclusion (when he's in the play group, not just a school mate) than even the OP. Yikes. I still can't get over the total switch from what people all said before, which was it was okay for a BBB poster to call another mom on her child not being invited. Where is that "scratching head" symbol. ?

[KrisM]

Oh my, I know it would be awful and uncomfortable to have that conversation and I wasn't there to know how the "other country" comment was made or came about. I'm sorry. But I really think it is odd how so many people here now say it wasn't okay for her to confront the OP, when this situation has come up before on the boards, with a poster who wasn't the invited party, and pretty much everyone said that the poster should see if the invite was lost or come up with some way to confront that poor mom, thinking it must have been an oversight. We can't have it both ways, and should just take our lumps and not ask if the invite was lost, etc. I can totally see why she said something though, if her son plays with yours and sometimes kids tell us something differently than they exhibit at school (kind of dramatic to say they don't want a party at all if "E" comes, I would have an issue with that). I'm sure she really was confused, her child was confused, the kids are all confused, if someone in their general group, who plays with them, is not invited to the party that everyone is talking about. It is hard and she could have handled it better, maybe there are cultural differences, but I would not be too upset and just really talk to my child about not discussing his party before or after it happens at school, if everyone isn't invited. Not always possible, IRL I know, easier said than done. My heart goes out to this woman and her child, who at the end of the day is a child not invited to a birthday of someone he thinks is his friend and is left out and hurting. This is all hard stuff.

I think asking about it is fine. But, continuing about her son being hurt and wondering if it's because he's from another country, etc is too much. She could ask, get the answer, and just say 'okay thanks' and let it be.

[liz]

First of all, that must have been very awkward. I am sorry you felt so put on the spot.

But with that said, I am not surprised she and her child felt left out. It sounds like you see each other rather frequently. Compound that with the fact that other children in the play group were invited, I could see how someone's feelings could be hurt.

I remember there was recently a BBB mom who felt she and her child were excluded from a party and the only reason she could think of was that she was poorer than the other moms. Clearly there could have been other factors, but that was how the mom saw it. So I could understand the mom being confused and grasping at ideas as to why she wasn't included.

In the end, you should only invite who you want to the party, but don't be surprised when other people find out they weren't invited, and feel hurt. It's human nature to want to be included.

[liz]

First of all, that must have been very awkward. I am sorry you felt so put on the spot.

But with that said, I am not surprised she and her child felt left out. It sounds like you see each other rather frequently. Compound that with the fact that other children in the play group were invited, I could see how someone's feelings could be hurt.

I remember there was recently a BBB mom who felt she and her child were excluded from a party and the only reason she could think of was that she was poorer than the other moms. Clearly there could have been other factors, but that was how the mom saw it. So I could understand the mom being confused and grasping at ideas as to why she wasn't included.

In the end, you should only invite who you want to the party, but don't be surprised when other people find out they weren't invited, and feel hurt. It's human nature to want to be included.


OK, after I posted this, I realized that perhaps it sounded harsher than I meant the post to be. I totally understand that you had a limit of kids to invite for the party, I just wanted to give you a view from the other mom's perspective. Sorry.

[TwinFoxes]

Oh my, I know it would be awful and uncomfortable to have that conversation and I wasn't there to know how the "other country" comment was made or came about. I'm sorry. But I really think it is odd how so many people here now say it wasn't okay for her to confront the OP, when this situation has come up before on the boards, with a poster who wasn't the invited party, and pretty much everyone said that the poster should see if the invite was lost or come up with some way to confront that poor mom, thinking it must have been an oversight. We can't have it both ways, and should just take our lumps and not ask if the invite was lost, etc. I can totally see why she said something though, if her son plays with yours and sometimes kids tell us something differently than they exhibit at school (kind of dramatic to say they don't want a party at all if "E" comes, I would have an issue with that). I'm sure she really was confused, her child was confused, the kids are all confused, if someone in their general group, who plays with them, is not invited to the party that everyone is talking about. It is hard and she could have handled it better, maybe there are cultural differences, but I would not be too upset and just really talk to my child about not discussing his party before or after it happens at school, if everyone isn't invited. Not always possible, IRL I know, easier said than done. My heart goes out to this woman and her child, who at the end of the day is a child not invited to a birthday of someone he thinks is his friend and is left out and hurting. This is all hard stuff.

I tend to agree with this. I think the other mom should have let it go, but having read similar threads here from the other side, I'm not at all surprised that it was brought up. There has been lots of support on this board for asking another mom if an invite was lost, and people have come up with lots of situations where lo and behold, DC really was invited, it was all a misunderstanding! (Although now I'm wondering if maybe they didn't just make the other mom feel so uncomfortable that she pretended the invite was lost).

OP, I get why you feel beat up, she really should have just said "ok, just checking" and left it at that. But I also really think E should have been invited, it seems like a lot of kids in his social circle are invited, and I can see why he's hurt. Easy for me to say I know.

Threads like this make me glad that my DCs are born after school lets out around here...hopefully I can escape some of this stress!

[egoldber]

I als agree with HannaAddict. In the past, I have been one of the posters who have said it was OK to ask. (Although I always felt in a distinct minoirty on this. ;) ) And this is exactly the kind of situation (most, but not all of a social circle invited) where I can see asking and where I would anticipate being asked. I would just say something like "I'm sorry, but the venue was limited in number and we had to make some hard choices."


just really talk to my child about not discussing his party before or after it happens at school

I see this suggested here all the time and honestly I think this is just too much to expect of kids. It means that not just the birthday kid but also all their friends that are invited also have to not talk about it. And I just think that young kids, when playing at recess or at the lunch table simply cannot be expected to not talk about a fun exciting thing that almost all of them attended in the very recent past.

So I do think that if you invite a limited number of a social circle, then there may be some hurt feelings and fallout from this.

[momm]

hi,

first off, I want to make it clear that I do understand that there are limited resources and one can only invite so many people to a party. In no way am I saying you should invite everyone, or that the other lady was fair in assuming things.

But I have to tell you something. As someone from another country, and something that is obvious from my skin color and appearance, I am constantly thinking whether X happened because of my race. A lot of times things do happen because of it. I've been in tons of situations where I see a postal worker/ airline counter person be all polite and nice to an American lady in line in front of me, and turn to me and freeze over.
I'm NOT saying that that is the case with you. I am saying that the lady probably has good cause to be paranoid.

It's almost a constant struggle for me to remind myself that people are not looking at my skin color, and that certain things are probably just a coincidence, etc. And I try not to fall into the pity party of things like that.

I'm just saying that the lady has probably enough reasons to feel that way, though not in this case. And it was unfair of her to ask you that. most definitely. But just take a minute and think where she might be coming from.

I also have read the previous posts where people have been encouraged to ask about lost invites. She was probably doing the same thing. She could even have been the OP of that post here, for all you know!

I only have the advice to you to not take it personally and feel beat up, and give her some slack on the different country part. Not to indulge anyone's neuroses though! :)

Good luck. I hope you feel better and hope this gets sorted out.

[mom2one]

HI everyone. Thanks for all of your feedback.


:hug5: I'm sorry that you got put in an awkward spot and feel beat up.



One question though--how many kids are in the group that hangs out after school and how many kids attend the weekly playdate? And out of those, how many weren't invited? Depending on the ratio of invited to not invited in that group, I can totally see why the mom might feel hurt and left out. It doesn't mean that she should have confronted you about though.

There are 4 of us who are usually at everything. My DS, his BF, E and a girl. The othere three moms also have younger siblings, so that brings us to 7 kids right there. Now there are always other kids and moms - whether we play at the playground after school or meet for the weekly playdate. The weekly playdate was set up for my DS class and other first graders have been invited, along with siblings, friends, neighbors, etc.

So of the 4 of us, E is the only one who did not get invited, but also siblings did not get invited either.

I agree with those of you that stated that she should have asked if it had gotten lost, taken my reply and said ok, just checking. that would have been much easier.

I did not mean to hurt anyones feelings, but my son does not like E. He is always trying to get him in trouble on the playground and E is just mean to him at times. He is not a bully yet, but on his way. I am not about to point this out to E's mom. THe more thought I have given this, I feel like she was pressuring me to invite E to the party. I dont think that is right.

Also, there are 11 kids in my DS class from other countries (out of a class of 20). Most of them have been invited to the party (we invited all the boys, and only 2 girls from the class). With all the research she did, I think she would have known we were not being selective.

Also, she mentioned that the BF mother asked her (E's mom) if she could watch her daughter and E's mom could take the boys to the party. Thanks a lot BF mom. I have never assumed that everyone is invited to a party.

I have asked my son from the beginning of planning his party not to talk about it at school. Invites were mailed to arrive at houses on Saturday, so kids would have the weekend to hopefully forget about it and move on at school on Monday. I did ask him again this morning not to talk about his party at school and he told me that he has not.

So at this point, I am just trying to figure out how to move past this. I will be picking my son up in car line today. I will be making a note on next years calendar that we will be having a small party of like 4 kids. I dont ever want to go through this again. I have not told my son any of this.

[minnie-zb]

It is impossible to control what others will say. I think it was reasonable of your friend to assume that E would be invited based on what you wrote. If your son is so uncomfortable around E, then it would be wise to put some distance there as it seems E and his mom thought all of you were friends. I know I would have thought we were all friends and I would have felt pretty hurt too -- not just for my child, but for me too. I'm sure she thought of you as a pretty good friend. It sounds like you spend quite a lot of time together.

I'm sorry she pushed the issue and made you uncomfortable, but this is a situation where you should try and walk in her shoes and imagine how you would have felt if you had been the one excluded.

[infocrazy]

So of the 4 of us, E is the only one who did not get invited, but also siblings did not get invited either.

I did not mean to hurt anyones feelings, but my son does not like E. He is always trying to get him in trouble on the playground and E is just mean to him at times. He is not a bully yet, but on his way. I am not about to point this out to E's mom. THe more thought I have given this, I feel like she was pressuring me to invite E to the party. I dont think that is right.

Also, she mentioned that the BF mother asked her (E's mom) if she could watch her daughter and E's mom could take the boys to the party. Thanks a lot BF mom. I have never assumed that everyone is invited to a party.

I have asked my son from the beginning of planning his party not to talk about it at school. Invites were mailed to arrive at houses on Saturday, so kids would have the weekend to hopefully forget about it and move on at school on Monday. I did ask him again this morning not to talk about his party at school and he told me that he has not.

Even if DS does not talk about the party, that is more than half of his class invited. Someone will talk about it.

Honestly, I can understand her reaction. I think she crossed the line about asking about the other country part but given the circumstances, if you don't tell her that DS does not like E or E is mean to DS, then I can see why she struggles to see why E is excluded from the party. Especially when his little group of friends and even kids not in "the group" ARE all invited. In HER eyes, you and your DS are being mean to E. Just the other side of the coin. I wouldn't bring it up again, but if she does, I would probably say that DS and E just don't really click well and you had to take that into consideration when narrowing down the guest list.

I also wouldn't be mad at BF's mom. Given the circumstances you described, I would have assumed the same.

These are the times I am glad DS1 has a summer birthday and I have many more years before I have to deal with this!

[mom2one]

I understand what you all are saying that she has the right to be hurt. I feel like I have created this big mess and just want it to go away.

[robinsmommy]

We just went thru this with DD....for some reason, she only wanted kids at her party that were at least her age, which is really limiting, cuts out some people I'd've liked to invite, and brings lots of boy energy into the picture. Sigh. I follow the rule of number of guests+child's age on BD + one - so she got to invite 5 people (one more when a person bowed out due to skiing.)

It is really awkward, esp when so many people have a big party at a bouncy place or whatever - when I have a party in my home, having 10+ or more 4 year olds would be too much.

Even though DD invited ONLY the oldest kids in her class (one a 6), I still feel that it is her party and she should get to have who she wants within reason.

[MamaMolly]

I didn't hear the OP say the woman was "nasty" at all, nor "underhanded." That is a lot of mean spirited baggage you are putting on this woman. I know the OP was caught in a bad situation and it had to be awfully uncomfortable. But your post seems far more judgmental about the woman asking an honest question about her child's exclusion (when he's in the play group, not just a school mate) than even the OP. Yikes. I still can't get over the total switch from what people all said before, which was it was okay for a BBB poster to call another mom on her child not being invited. Where is that "scratching head" symbol. ?

I agree, I was the one who said nasty and underhanded, not the OP. I'm sorry if it sounded like I had put those words in the OPs mouth.

I stick by *my opinion* which is that it is pretty nasty of the other mom to suggest that the OP didn't invite the other child because of his nationality. Especially after being given a legitimate reason. That is what I'm being judgemental about. And if it is mean spirited to call it nasty and underhanded I can live with that.

I have no issue with asking about the party in the first place. As you said, it is an honest question. And having read the OPs follow ups, I can also see where the other mom was casting about looking for a reason as to why her child was excluded. However that wasn't information we had at the time of my post, so I stick by what I said, as it pertained to the information I had at the time.

Having read the updates I don't think I can offer the OP more than what other posters have said, and don't think that this needs to turn into a flogging of her so that is all I have to say on the issue.

[robinsmommy]

I will add that we did start the discussions with DD about party manners and not talking about a party at school when not everyone is invited. I don't think it did much good at 4, but hopefully if we start now she get it in a year or two.

A pity that some of your mom friends were not onto that....probably didn't help things any.

Maybe dropping a hint to the other moms(not the one who was offended) at some point about teaching DS about that aspect of party manners might clue them in a little. I never assume on stuff like that, too easy to get hurt feelings - kinda like assuming that someone is not pregnant until you're told.....

[California]

I started a post a month or so back on my DD's party. Her situation was different-- we never hung out with the kid or her mom. But there's something similar to your situation and that is that my kid felt picked on by this child.

I think we give our kids really mixed messages on this. We tell them on the one hand if someone isn't nice to them that it's not OK ("Tell them to stop," "Ignore them and they'll get bored and leave you alone," "Tell the teacher or another adult," etc.) And then we turn around and ask them to invite all the kids to their birthday parties! We want to validate our own kids' feelings. And teach them empathy for others too. It's not easy.

In my situation, we realized that there were more girls in the class than we initially thought. So we invited six girls, which left six girls not invited and all the boys. Surprisingly the only girl who's feelings were hurt was one we DID invite. Her parents decided not to tell her she was invited because they already were going out of town!

OP, I think where this may have gone off track is that there was a lack of communication way before the party. This mom had no idea that your son was upset by her child's behavior. Now might be a good time to gently and as kindly as possible clear the air with her and try to work out a resolution together. These are little kids-- they should be expected to make mistakes. As you are experiencing, we adults do too! We're all learning how to get along, even as adults.

[ha98ed14]

There are 4 of us who are usually at everything. My DS, his BF, E and a girl. The othere three moms also have younger siblings, so that brings us to 7 kids right there. Now there are always other kids and moms - whether we play at the playground after school or meet for the weekly playdate. The weekly playdate was set up for my DS class and other first graders have been invited, along with siblings, friends, neighbors, etc.

So of the 4 of us, E is the only one who did not get invited, but also siblings did not get invited either.



I'm sorry. It is such a tough situation. It's not an easy decision to make, but given that their are only 4 kids from this circle, I think leaving E out was not kind. He was the only child DS's age not to get an invite. I would have been hurt too, but FOR SURE, I never would posited to you that it was because I was of X race, ethnicity, country of origin, etc. The inquiring mom needed to keep those thoughts to herself, for sure!

[mom2one]

California- I really like what you said, esp the last paragrah.

I would like to tell her the real reason her son is not invited, but I don't think she would accept it very well at all. I have never seen her discipline her son or make her son apologize. I honestly think she is one of these moms who think her children do no wrong. And after our last conversation dragging on for what seemed like hours, I dont see how I can even say "my son does not really click well with your son" and the conversation even ending any time soon. I see her becoming really defensive and wanting facts/information on how I think this is so.

[hellokitty]

California- I really like what you said, esp the last paragrah.

I would like to tell her the real reason her son is not invited, but I don't think she would accept it very well at all. I have never seen her discipline her son or make her son apologize. I honestly think she is one of these moms who think her children do no wrong. And after our last conversation dragging on for what seemed like hours, I dont see how I can even say "my son does not really click well with your son" and the conversation even ending any time soon. I see her becoming really defensive and wanting facts/information on how I think this is so.

Yeah, I don't really think you owe this mom any sort of explanation. Basically, she made assumptions and has now put weirdness btwn the two of you. I'd just move on and write it off as an awkward moment. If she chooses to hold a grudge against you, that's her own problem. It's not cool to try to bully your way into getting your child invited to someone else's party.

[Corie]

One question though--how many kids are in the group that hangs out after school and how many kids attend the weekly playdate? And out of those, how many weren't invited? Depending on the ratio of invited to not invited in that group, I can totally see why the mom might feel hurt and left out. It doesn't mean that she should have confronted you about though.


I was wondering the same thing.

Edited to add: I found the answer in reading through the thread further.

[ha98ed14]

We just went thru this with DD....for some reason, she only wanted kids at her party that were at least her age, which is really limiting, cuts out some people I'd've liked to invite, and brings lots of boy energy into the picture. Sigh. I follow the rule of number of guests+child's age on BD + one - so she got to invite 5 people (one more when a person bowed out due to skiing.)


Can I ask a question? And this is not aimed at directly at OP or the quoted above, I just thought it illustrated my question.

Does anyone think that giving a child under say, 8 or 9, this much control over the who, what, where and how of their bday parties is, well, more than they can handle appropriately at their age? Financial constraints are absolutely valid; I feel them deeply, so I am not coming down on folks for choosing to limit the guest list; I'm just wondering if the what, where, and how of a party ought to be informed by the who that should be there in order to avoid such deep hurts. In the OP's situation, we have one child out of four peers that was excluded, by the choice of the bday child. Does anyone think that giving the bday child that much say at such a young age is...dare I say, misguided?

Anyway, just a question, not an attack. I hope it doesn't come across that way. In black and white terms, it is the bday child's party and parents are within their rights to empower (or not) the child with whatever decision making they see fit. And the family has the right to limit the invites, choose who they want to invite, to their hearts' content. I just wonder if maybe we've given too much power to the hands of little ones who don't quite know how to handle it in ways that consider the feelings of those other than themselves.

[american_mama]

I think you did everything right. Two thoughts: maybe the mom being from another country is part of why she approached this in such an aggressive, direct way. She may be missing some of the cultural context too, if that helps you get over the bad feelings at all.

Second, I hesitate to bring this up, because I would have done the same thing as you described it. But the parent can also tell their child the terms of a party: these people must be invited or there will be no party. I have done that more than once when telling DD1 matter-of-factly, not threatening, that she could have a party with no gifts or no party at all, and to a very minor extent with DD2 when I felt obligated to invite some kids on the street who DD did not always get along with. But, DD2's anti-kid sentiment was much milder and she gave no pushback to these terms. Anyway, I would not have taken this direction in your situation, but I just wanted to say it was an option for other situations.

[minnie-zb]

Can I ask a question? And this is not aimed at directly at OP or the quoted above, I just thought it illustrated my question.

Does anyone think that giving a child under say, 8 or 9, this much control over the who, what, where and how of their bday parties is, well, more than they can handle appropriately at their age? Financial constraints are absolutely valid; I feel them deeply, so I am not coming down on folks for choosing to limit the guest list; I'm just wondering if the what, where, and how of a party ought to be informed by the who that should be there in order to avoid such deep hurts. In the OP's situation, we have one child out of four peers that was excluded, by the choice of the bday child. Does anyone think that giving the bday child that much say at such a young age is...dare I say, misguided?

Anyway, just a question, not an attack. I hope it doesn't come across that way. In black and white terms, it is the bday child's party and parents are within their rights to empower (or not) the child with whatever decision making they see fit. And the family has the right to limit the invites, choose who they want to invite, to their hearts' content. I just wonder if maybe we've given too much power to the hands of little ones who don't quite know how to handle it in ways that consider the feelings of those other than themselves.

I was wondering this too as I read the posts. Our oldest will be 9 in March. We let her pick who she wants to invite, but we make suggestions and guide the process. She wanted to not invite a friend from the neighborhood, but invite another and I said she couldn't do that. The excluded friend would feel left out and have hurt feelings. We find some of the decisions on who she wants to invite to be pretty random and not much thought given -- hence our input and guiding. I also understand how hard the invite process is: we have parties at home and it is not possible to invite lots of kids.

[robinsmommy]

In term of control, I set the number of guests and a budget, as well as some other reasonable constraints - DD wanted a "bone-shaped" cake for her dog-themed party, which I nixed, as it was too complicated for the time I had. She got to pick a simple theme (dogs) and we worked together to find simple, cheap stuff to do with it. I think it is good to involve them in the prep, fun and work both (so we had to get help with the house-cleaning before and after, she got to help pick out stickers etc for the goodie bags), it helps them get the big picture of family life.

If it were, say, what big venue do you want to have the party at, do you want a clown or ponies or a bouncy castle, sure it'd be too much control, but with a $100 top budget for all the party and 1.5 hours of time to have it in at home, there isn't much to go out of control. We eat organic and served lunch at the party, so most of that was food.

With DD1, I learned the hard way that NOT involving her in parties is a big mistake - we did a surprise party and that was a huge mistake. I also (no flames, please) said that she could not have a party with friends the year that DD2 was a baby unless she helped pick up her toys (small house, no storage, they were ALL over, we did help within reason - she was 5 and very capable). Didn't happen, so she had a small party with family instead.

With my 4 yr old, well, if you only have 5 kids, it would really stink to have one or two that you didn't like or get along with. Many people at the preschool are just starting to have parties, some just settle for the cookies at school thing. So we did that as well.

I did suggest that DD2 have some kids who were younger and/or more girls at party (multiple times, in fact), and she was quite firm on who she wanted. I did talk to the preschool teacher about it, and turns out that DD2 is in a bit of an odd spot - she is the oldest by 6 months of all the 3ish kids, and the youngest of all the big kids. There are no girls to either side of her for at least 4 months - most have an even bigger age gap. With two kids, I don't do any mama groups etc, so preschool is her social circle. Shrug. I'd love for her to play more with girls her age, but a bit of the older kid thing is also from being in a Montessori preschool - they look up to the older kids.

Given all that, I don't think it was an unreasonable amount of control on the party - she had a lot of freedom within the constraints we gave. And Montessori stresses independence. I feel ok about it, given all the info I had. Not sure if that changes your view any.

ETA - Of the two girls that are closest to her in age and under 4, one is going thru a REALLY stinky phase, and the other has been a hitter/physically aggressive, which is improving slowly. So I can't fault her there, either.

[tarahsolazy]

My son is turning seven next weekend, and we decided to have a smallish party at home. I asked him who he wanted to invite (several times over several weeks, to get the ones he kept repeating, lol).

My goal is to have 7 kids at the party, and we sent out 12 invites. I'm fine if all 12 come.

His class has 27 kids, so I thought letting him pick who to invite was very reasonable. We are inviting 5 kids not in his class, so he chose 7 from his class. I don' t think that's too much power. I don't volunteer at school, so I only know a little bit about his classmates, I don't feel qualified to pick the invitees.