"Birthday" playdates

[vahnessuh]

Okay... I don't know how you moms feel about this... and this isn't necessarily a BP... but why do moms have "birthday" playdates and make it a potluck?

There's this mom in my mom's group... only met her once before and she seems okay. Today she posted that she's having a birthday playdate for her son... and that in lieu of a gift, every mom should bring a potluck dish instead. She'll supply the cupcakes, plates, knives and forks.

Do moms here really do that? I mean, I grew up in Asia and back there, if you say "come and celebrate my daughter's birthday!", it means that you provide the refreshments. I mean... can't she just provide the cupcakes and that's it? Or call it a regular playdate where moms bring a potluck dish and mention that since it's her son's birthday, she'll bring cupcakes?

I don't know... it might just be the wording... but it kind of struck me as.... tacky. Maybe it's just me? Maybe it's just cultural differences? I guess I was a little bit put off by the "instead of a gift, bring a dish" line...

[elektra]

I haven't been to a party like that but it sounds like a great idea to me! It helps cut down on the tons of gifts, and makes for a variety of dishes. Especially when the kids are so little, they barely know it's a birthday party anyway.
I think I am in the minority though, since I know that many of the BBB'ers are fabulous hosts and throw great parties.
I on the other hand don't get too into the themes or anything, and most of my parties are mostly family and we all do potluck.

[elektra]

double post.

[hellokitty]

Wow, that's tacky! I can see why you're annoyed. I've had one friend who did a birthday playdate and she provided everything, but made it very clear she did NOT want anyone to bring gifts. It was just that, a ginormous water fun playdate that happened to have food and cake. :)

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm going with kind of tacky. I think if you are hosting a b-day party you should provide everything. But, I also think if you are even hosting a playdate you should provide refreshments (if snacks are the norm in your group). It doesn't take that much work to put out some crackers, cheese and fruit or bagels and cream cheese and that's about all it really needs to be. Don't time it at meal time if you don't want to prepare a meal.

I admit that I had a chili cook-off/ b-day party/ sports' gathering party once so I am a hypocrite. :)

Beth

[elektra]

I knew I was the only one who would think the "no gift but bring food instead" thing was genius. ;) :p

[traciann]

I knew I was the only one who would think the "no gift but bring food instead" thing was genius. ;) :p

nope! I agree too! great idea. I don't see it as tacky if you regularly have playdates with this group.

[wellyes]

Sounds like a great idea to me.... No gifts, but some people are uncomfortable with that, so everyone gets to bring a dish. Never in a million years would I think someone would be offended by it!

[LMPC]

I don't think it's tacky if you know the people pretty well. I'm going to a baby shower this weekend that is potluck....a bunch of close girlfriends. I think it's a great idea!

[TwinFoxes]

I hate potlucks. I've never liked them.

Also, I've never heard of this type of party for a birthday. But I'd go and take a dish and plan to have a good time.

[Canna]

I got invited to a birthday cookie-exchange party recently. I hate cookie exchanges and even though I know I didn't really HAVE to participate, part of the reason I didn't attend was because I couldn't deal with making cookies.

[rin]

I also think it's a genius idea, but as caveats: (a) I love potlucks and I really like cooking and baking so I always enjoy parties where food exchange is part of the experience, and (b) I hate all the presents that kids' parties generate so I love ways to have everyone help celebrate the birthday boy/girl without showing the kid with a million overwhelming toys.

The best potlucks I've been to place no requirements on the kinds of foods you can bring (aside from sometimes having things like "desserts", "vegetables", "main dish", etc), so I would think it would always be perfectly fine to grab a store-bought thing of brownies or some microwave quiches or a block of cheese and crackers. I certainly have done that in the past!

[niccig]

We were away for DS's birthday and he wanted to celebrate with the playgroup friends...so I had just them over at our regular playdate time, told them we would have pizza and cake(I provided), play in the blow up pool, but NO presents.

It was the best party.

All our other playdates are potluck.

So yeah, I think it's tacky to say bring potluck to a playdate that is only happening to celebrate a birthday.

[jent]

I would be ok with a party like this, but I'm also one who enjoys potlucks. I would say the only strange thing to me is how the mom worded it-- there's this unspoken etiquette thing that you don't ask or expect birthday gifts, even though everyone always brings them to a bday party. So, if you _tell_ people what to bring that's like asking for a gift. Which I'm guessing is not how the mom intended it-- she probably just wanted to hold off the gifts and keep things casual, both of which are ok in my book. And I'm assuming that the other playdates are usually potluck, so she was keeping with the routine? If not, then I agree it's a little weird.

[Melanie]

I think it's a great idea. Maybe she's not doing a traditional party but just wants her child's friends to come and play. I would say tacky if it was a potluck AND she wasn't saying 'no gifts,' but since she did I don't think it is. Just sounds very informal and pre-warning you that there will probably be a dessert and a song.

[vahnessuh]

Our playdates aren't always potluck. I'd say probably about 40% of the time it is. The thing is that this isn't a small mom's group type of thing. I'm guessing there's about 100 members and when someone posts an event, anyone can go. So it's not necessarily an intimate gathering of friends. I would understand if it is... but it's not.

Other moms have done birthday playdates (although not too often) but it's usually where moms provide cake/cupcakes and drinks. This is the first time I've seen something like this.

And I guess I wouldn't think it's too weird if the mom was serving cupcakes AND another dish (doesn't matter if it's just crackers)... but she's only serving the cupcakes and is leaving the other dishes to the moms....

[AnnieW625]

I knew I was the only one who would think the "no gift but bring food instead" thing was genius. ;) :p

I think it's a good idea, but honestly I would only go if I knew the child well, and went to the playdate regularly. One of the moms in my Stroller Strides group did something similar for her son last summer (he was turning 2), but we didn't go because DD2 was only a few months old, DD1 might have been bored, and we hadn't been to the standing playdate before.



And I guess I wouldn't think it's too weird if the mom was serving cupcakes AND another dish (doesn't matter if it's just crackers)... but she's only serving the cupcakes and is leaving the other dishes to the moms....

What if the mom is getting gourmet $2 to $3 a piece cupcakes, would that change your perspective on the idea?

[MamaMolly]

Our playdates aren't always potluck. I'd say probably about 40% of the time it is. The thing is that this isn't a small mom's group type of thing. I'm guessing there's about 100 members and when someone posts an event, anyone can go. So it's not necessarily an intimate gathering of friends. I would understand if it is... but it's not.

Other moms have done birthday playdates (although not too often) but it's usually where moms provide cake/cupcakes and drinks. This is the first time I've seen something like this.

And I guess I wouldn't think it's too weird if the mom was serving cupcakes AND another dish (doesn't matter if it's just crackers)... but she's only serving the cupcakes and is leaving the other dishes to the moms....

Oooooooh! This totally changes my response. Well. Humph. I was thinking it was like our little baby group, where it might be a little odd but to send it out to a large group? I guess she did it that way so she could avoid looking like she was hosting a gift grab? Poor thing, and still she managed to flub, though I think she meant well.

[vahnessuh]

Molly: Oh no, I don't think badly of her... like I said I only met her once and she seemed nice enough. Didn't get to really talk to her though. And this definitely doesn't change the way I see her. I was just kind of surprised about the whole thing coz I've never seen it happen before... so I was wondering about whether I'm the only one who thinks this way or whether it's a cultural thing.

Annie: No, the price of the cupcakes doesn't change anything for me. Even if it was dusted with edible gold flakes, I would still have reacted the same. It's the thought of "celebrate my child's birthday with us... but bring food to share" is something I didn't grow up with. I know that if I pulled something like this back in Asia, there'd be talks about it... and not in a good way.

"Come celebrate with me/us" in Asia always means that the host is providing everything. It's like, "I received this wonderful blessing and I'm sharing it with all of you."

I've learned recently that there are numerous differences regarding this topic. Like, if you're invited out to lunch by a girlfriend... you pay for your own food. If you're invited to be part of a wedding party, you pay for your own outfit.

Just to be clear, I'm not bashing anyone or any culture. I hope I was able to convey that I didn't mean anything evil or mean-hearted... just simply stating my confusion and curiosity over these differences.

[Ceepa]

It make more sense in a smaller group of closer friends. The cattle call to the whole moms club to bring food for her child's pseudo-party is odd.

[Pear]

I think it's ok to bring cupcakes to the playdate, but I wouldn't call it a birthday party. I am probably biased by my hatred of potlucks. The mishmash of tepid food with no plan as to the balancing of flavors just has no appeal.

[gatorsmom]

Hmm, I'm not loving the "Potluck for my party" idea. Frankly, it's cheaper and easier for me to just grab a toy, card and gift bag at Target and show up. Having to cook for someone else's celebration makes the hostess seem hmmm, not tacky, just....lazy.

I've had playdate birthday parties before when my kids were 1 or 2yo. It was essentially a normal playdate where I served cake and ice cream. I told everyone not to bring toys so it really felt like a playdate- except for the cake. I loved doing that and I think the other moms liked it too. Easy and stress free for everyone!

[dogmom]

Molly: Oh no, I don't think badly of her... like I said I only met her once and she seemed nice enough. Didn't get to really talk to her though. And this definitely doesn't change the way I see her. I was just kind of surprised about the whole thing coz I've never seen it happen before... so I was wondering about whether I'm the only one who thinks this way or whether it's a cultural thing.

Annie: No, the price of the cupcakes doesn't change anything for me. Even if it was dusted with edible gold flakes, I would still have reacted the same. It's the thought of "celebrate my child's birthday with us... but bring food to share" is something I didn't grow up with. I know that if I pulled something like this back in Asia, there'd be talks about it... and not in a good way.

"Come celebrate with me/us" in Asia always means that the host is providing everything. It's like, "I received this wonderful blessing and I'm sharing it with all of you."

I've learned recently that there are numerous differences regarding this topic. Like, if you're invited out to lunch by a girlfriend... you pay for your own food. If you're invited to be part of a wedding party, you pay for your own outfit.

Just to be clear, I'm not bashing anyone or any culture. I hope I was able to convey that I didn't mean anything evil or mean-hearted... just simply stating my confusion and curiosity over these differences.

There are cultural norms within cultural norms. My friend is getting married is a small ceremony at a Unitarian church. They are short on cash and the reception is going to be a mix of some catered, some pot luck stuff. The pot luck stuff is coming from her church friends that always have church pot lucks and they think it is fine. She is having a late morning wedding, which is a very Southern thing, she was brought up in a very Southern family. They don't "Do" big weddings like people do now. (large reception lots of food) So I'm sure some people with think it "tacky", but it's I think it is fine. I think most of it is dose the host communicate the information to the guests in a tactful way, giving people who disagree a chance to opt out. If they do, I really don't think people should complain much.

I don't think you were being insulting with your post. My feeling it is the host's party, not mine. So I don't have to agree with everything, I just have to decide whether to go or not. I'm sure I've done thinks with parties that people would deem "tacky", but whatever. As long as I'm a gracious host I'm OK with it.

[hellokitty]

Our playdates aren't always potluck. I'd say probably about 40% of the time it is. The thing is that this isn't a small mom's group type of thing. I'm guessing there's about 100 members and when someone posts an event, anyone can go. So it's not necessarily an intimate gathering of friends. I would understand if it is... but it's not.

Other moms have done birthday playdates (although not too often) but it's usually where moms provide cake/cupcakes and drinks. This is the first time I've seen something like this.

And I guess I wouldn't think it's too weird if the mom was serving cupcakes AND another dish (doesn't matter if it's just crackers)... but she's only serving the cupcakes and is leaving the other dishes to the moms....

Yeah, this info makes it seem even more odd to me. It's not an intimate group of moms, it's like a moms club group. I've brought cupcakes and punch to a moms club function before (splash park playdate) for DS2 and the only thing I asked, was that ppl RSVP, so I knew how many cupcakes to bring. I didn't say anything about gifts or bringing more food, and nobody asked and nobody brought anything extra. It was just understood that I was being nice and bringing a birthday treat for my son to share with our moms club friends.

Is this a FTM that is new to the group? Maybe she doesn't realize how ppl typically handle this, b/c it seems like she making it harder than it has to be and I still think it's rude to expect others to bring DISHES to a playdate where she has basically designated it as her son being VIP. I'm thinking that if you are a bit put off by the way she wants to do this, other members are probably feeling the same way.

[BabbyO]

I knew I was the only one who would think the "no gift but bring food instead" thing was genius. ;) :p


Sounds like a great idea to me.... No gifts, but some people are uncomfortable with that, so everyone gets to bring a dish. Never in a million years would I think someone would be offended by it!

I, too, actually like the idea a lot. I certainly don't need anymore toys for DS but even though we told people not to bring presents EVERYONE got him something for his birthday (it was all family and close friends). Plus DH spent most of the day worrying about food being ready/out, etc. If it had been a potluck everyone would have felt like they contributed to DS' day....and we wouldn't have been going crazy worrying about food. Ok, thats a lie...with DS' FA's now we always worry about food!

I've done other parties as potlucks...but never a birthday party...I like it!

[s7714]

Never heard of a party like this. Kind of comes off a little odd the way it's worded, but I wouldn't be offended or think it was tacky.

[deborah_r]

I'm replying without reading the 3 pages of replies.

My experience: DS1 had playgroup birthday parties for his 1st 3 birthdays. We usually had one for each kid. You picked the date and location, then we met at the same time as usual, but you provided all food, drink, cake etc. It wasn't so different from our normal playgroups because each week whoever was the "host" (usually these were at a park) was responsible for picking the location and bringing refreshments, with emphasis on snacks for the kids.

We did not do gifts, although some people would occasionally bring a gift (you could bring a gift or not, it was no big deal). For one year I remember we would take turns buying for the birthday child, with a $20 limit, so each of us only spent $20 that year on presents. So when my turn came I was responsible for buying a present for one child, then I didn't have to do it again. Then each child got one present from playgroup friends.

It all worked out pretty well. The potluck sounds like a bad idea to me, unless your normal playgroups are always potluck.

[vahnessuh]

There are cultural norms within cultural norms. My friend is getting married is a small ceremony at a Unitarian church. They are short on cash and the reception is going to be a mix of some catered, some pot luck stuff. The pot luck stuff is coming from her church friends that always have church pot lucks and they think it is fine.


Yeah... but see with this one, it's coming from her friends. Our mommy group is way too big to be intimate... and it's an open invitation to everyone... whether she knows/has met them or not. I definitely would understand if she's a friend... but she's not even an acquaintance. I'm not going just because I'm not totally comfortable with the idea... and it falls in the week that we're moving into our house. I do hope they have a great time though.

hellokitty: No, she's not new. She's actually one of the organizers of the group :p

[Dcclerk]

"Come celebrate with me/us" in Asia always means that the host is providing everything. It's like, "I received this wonderful blessing and I'm sharing it with all of you."



Funny, because I grew up in California (and not in total high society circles), and I see the host as expected to provide everything, too, when it comes to birthdays. I am totally with you on this one, and try as hard as I can, I can't get behind it. (And this coming from someone who expects to pay for her own lunch when going out with friends and pay for her own dress as part of the wedding party :) )

[crl]

I think it is odd in this context. We did a neighborhood potluck birthday party the year my son turned two. There were three other birthdays within a month. So we jointly threw a potluck and no present party for all the birthday kids. But we all knew watch other well and potlucks were the norm in our group. And over half the people coming had a birthday kid for the party.

In this context, where it is a big group, some virtually strangers, it kind of comes across as throw my party for me.

Catherine

[fivi2]

Hmm, I'm not loving the "Potluck for my party" idea. Frankly, it's cheaper and easier for me to just grab a toy, card and gift bag at Target and show up. Having to cook for someone else's celebration makes the hostess seem hmmm, not tacky, just....lazy.

I've had playdate birthday parties before when my kids were 1 or 2yo. It was essentially a normal playdate where I served cake and ice cream. I told everyone not to bring toys so it really felt like a playdate- except for the cake. I loved doing that and I think the other moms liked it too. Easy and stress free for everyone!

Yes to all of this. I despise potlucks though.

I don't mind a playdate birthday party as a way to avoid gifts, but in my group that usually meant the mom would being cupcakes or something to the regular playdate that was near her child's birthday.

[bisous]

The fact that it is such a huge group is a little weird to me. However, amongst close friends I wouldn't bat an eye at such an invitation! I think if I were the birthday mom, I would definitely provide all the food, though. I really like potlucks, and love no gift low key parties for little ones so this is my kind of thing. To each his own, I guess!