Would This Be Weird/Awkward?

[Raidra]

This question is pretty much moot, but I'm curious about what you guys think anyway. My husband and I both have family in Florida. I've seen my family fairly often (they've come up here a few times) but my husband's grandmother has only ever met Colwyn when he was 18 months. We were thinking of taking a trip to Florida and splitting our time between the two families (on opposite coasts), but decided to have my husband's family meet us in Disney because a trip to Disney is cheaper.

So I'm kind of relieved that we don't have to visit my family. I invited them to come stay with us, but they declined. My aunt got pregnant unexpectedly (she's had a lot of M/Cs and is over 40) shortly after I got pregnant with Niall. She drank heavily throughout the first two trimesters, and the baby was born premature and with a lot of health issues. He's still got a trach, he has screws in his jaw and other metal hardware to bring his lower jaw forward.. he's got to be suctioned every 15 minutes, can't make any noises, can't crawl, etc. It sounds like he's a very happy baby, but obviously very different from Niall. I was nervous about visiting because I thought the comparison might be difficult for my aunt and uncle, and for my grandmother (they live in my grandmother's house).

Do you think it would have been weird or awkward? Am I off base for thinking that they might not have enjoyed us visiting as much?

[MamaMolly]

This is going to be a drive by on your aunt. Just so you are aware that I'm aware ;) but if she's going to do that to her child in utero I can't imagine she's really going to care now.

Zoom. Smush. Drive by.

And I'm sorry for the little guy. Big hugs to him.

[Raidra]

This is going to be a drive by on your aunt. Just so you are aware that I'm aware ;) but if she's going to do that to her child in utero I can't imagine she's really going to care now.

Zoom. Smush. Drive by.

And I'm sorry for the little guy. Big hugs to him.

No, I totally agree. I didn't want to mention it, but part of the reason I'm glad to not be going is that I don't have to see her.

Mainly I feel bad for my uncle (my dad's brother, who I idolized as a kid) and my grandmother, and my little cousin, who's 10. They were devastated when they found out what was going on. My aunt is (still, ugh) a bartender and was able to hide what she was doing. It was her daughter that found the bottle of vodka in her purse and told my grandmother. She started drinking again after the baby was born and ended up in rehab for a little while.

My other aunt (my dad and uncle's sister) has taken the sympathetic route, saying how sad it is that she has this disease, etc, etc. This aunt was annoyed/upset that we weren't making more of an effort to go visit them.

[Raidra]

I hate to do this, but any other thoughts? I can't really talk to anyone IRL about this (except my husband of course).

[crl]

Well, I'd be relieved too, not to be seeing them. And yes it would have felt very, very awkward to me. And I think I would be angry, not sympathetic. Which would make the whole thing even more stressful for me.

What a sad situation for everyone, but especially for the baby.

Catherine

[TwinFoxes]

Normally I'd say, no not awkward. But your aunt sounds like a real piece of work. It was so unfathomable to me, I thought at first you meant she didn't know she was pregnant for a long time, and so she drank during the first trimester. But that she did it knowingly? Yikes. As someone who tried really hard NOT to have premature kids, I can't imagine doing something so dangerous!

Yeah, it would have been awkward. Poor kiddo. Will he recover eventually?

[Raidra]

Normally I'd say, no not awkward. But your aunt sounds like a real piece of work. It was so unfathomable to me, I thought at first you meant she didn't know she was pregnant for a long time, and so she drank during the first trimester. But that she did it knowingly? Yikes. As someone who tried really hard NOT to have premature kids, I can't imagine doing something so dangerous!

Yeah, it would have been awkward. Poor kiddo. Will he recover eventually?

I suspect that because she's had so many miscarriages, she wasn't expecting the pregnancy to be viable and started drinking because she was dreading another loss. That's no excuse whatsover, but it makes it that much more sad. The strange thing is, she's such a wonderful, nurturing person, we were all totally blown away when we found out. I haven't talked to her since before she even found out she was pregnant (they were up here visiting a few months before), and have absolutely no desire to see her now and try to act normally.

I think his physical issues, like the jaw and trach, will eventually be okay. Obviously it's still too soon to tell what other issues he may have (developmental delays, learning disabilities, whatever).

[mommy111]

Honestly? I totally agree with your other aunt who thinks this aunt was a victim. Your second post makes me think even more so. Infertility can be emotionally devastating to deal with.
And she's STILL a bartender. She's obviously an addict and will have a hard time making those difficult decisions, but why isn't her family staging some kind of an intervention to get her to quit using alcohol as an escape route?
OK, waiting to be pelted :duck:
And to answer your initial question, it would depend on the personalities of the people involved, but I think it has the potential to not be weird. Your little one is his own person and her little one is his own. I would not invite/encourage/even acknowledge any comparison between the two.

[bigpassport]

Is this a situation you will have to face at some point? Is it just delaying the inevitable? If so, maybe a benefit of seeing them now is to get the worst over with. And maybe it won't be bad. Your aunt has to have seen other babies at a similar age. Right?

[JTsMom]

It would probably be hard, but everything is probably hard, kwim? It's probably at the forefront of their minds most of the time, so it's not like it would suddenly remind them or anything. In any case, glad you were able to avoid it for your own sake! I don't think I could handle seeing her. Poor kiddos.

[amldaley]

Seperate from the awefulness of what your aunt did to her unborn child, I think this is the kind of "I feel bad, but....." that many of us deal with when trying to make decisions about where will go on precious little vacation time, who we will share that time with, where we will spend the money, etc. Doing the salom between akward familial relations is normal for alot of us. Not weird at all!

Maybe you can buy your Grandmother a ticket to come visit you some time. It might be nice for her to get a break from all of that. You don't want your LO's to not have a chance to get to know her b/c of a situation someone else created (the aunt, not you).

[egoldber]

I have family that is also addictive and emotionally draining, so I totally get that. I do make the effort to see them at least once a year.

I think the whole thing is just awkward, not just the situation with the baby. So I would not personally be so focused on the situation with the baby. Although I do understand your concern about the comparison. My neice (in her late 20s) has a daughter who is between my two kids' ages. Honestly, watching her with my kids, growing up in a loving home with two very present parents in an enriched environment vs. her: addicted, mentally ill mom, absent father, low enrichment home is very painful at times and will likely only become even more painful as the kids get older.

I actually agree with the PP who said doing it now, on your own terms, during a busy trip, may actually be easier for everyone than on a more "family" visit.

[MamaMolly]

Rachel, I wanetd to come back and comment with something actually helpful. ;) I've been thinking about your post a lot, and I think that even in the best of family situations, with healthy kids and adults, there are going to be comparisons made. Lula and my niece are 3 months apart and even now when we get together people compare the girls. So it is just going to happen.

But yes, I do think it will be hard, and the differences will be glaring. But I don't think you SHOULDN'T go because of that. And I agree with the PP who suggested going now might actually be easier. Huge hugs for everyone.

[karstmama]

i have a son with developmental delays. maybe seeing someone else's son without problems makes me sigh for what might have been, but it's not a surprise. if you don't want to go because of anger at your aunt, that might be a legit issue in itself, but the comparison thing - nah. his problems aren't going to surprise to them. they already know.

[Raidra]

Thanks for all the input, guys. :) As I said, it's pretty much moot because we can't afford to go visit regardless of whether we want to or not. And as for visiting now versus later.. I think it would actually be better later.. I think once the jaw issue is corrected and he doesn't have metal hardware in his head, and once he's off the trach, the only differences may be developmental delays and I don't think that would be nearly as awkward. Not that it would be awkward at all necessarily, but whatever.

I do feel bad for not getting to see my grandmother, but our priority is getting my husband's grandmother (and mother) to see the kids since we see them much less often (and in his grandmother's case, not at all). It's much more likely that my grandmother would be able to fly up over the summer or for Xmas or something.

I'll just keep my opinions to myself and let my other aunt think whatever she wants about us.

[rin]

Your aunt & uncle may or may not already be aware of the resources out there for kids with FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorders) but they may want to look into getting some kind of early intervention services for their son to try and counteract brain damage from the alcohol exposure. This woman's blog: http://coffeecatharsis.blogspot.com/ is a well written and gritty picture of her family's life raising two kids who were exposed to alcohol in utero, and she regularly posts information about resources for families whose kids have FASDs (which can be anything from super severe facial deformities & prematurity to kids who look normal but have anger management issues, learning disabilities, etc).

Tough situation! But I don't think that your son will be the first (or the last) other kid your aunt & uncle will be around for comparison, so I'd make your decision to spend time with them on your and your family's comfort level.