s/o: when you die, do you want a service?

[MoJo]

I've been thinking about this for a long time. I've lost a few friends, a few teachers, a couple of family members, and every one of them had a funeral/memorial/celebration of life/mass/wake or some sort of "event" for loved ones to gather and remember. But then my dad died. . . and my mom opted for no service whatsoever. It bothered me then, and it still does even though it was almost four years ago.

My DH didn't even want a real wedding, so he's not into events either.

I don't care what happens to my body, because I believe I won't be there any more when I die. But it makes me sad to think that no one would hold some type of memorial.

DH wouldn't care if no one had a memorial for him, and he didn't think it was strange that there wasn't one for my dad. But he's never lost a friend, teacher or family member yet. And the funny thing is, since he's a public school teacher & connected to so many people, I'd feel more compelled to hold a service for him than I would have when he was in his previous career.

So, what do you want when that time comes?

[Corie]

I want a HUGE Mardi-gras style send-off. And I told my DH that
he is to make a mixed CD party favor for everyone who attends.
I want everyone jamming to my favorite music and think of me! :)

"Celebration" by Kool & the Gang will be song #1.

[MoJo]

I like that - a lot!

[Raidra]

I have really mixed feelings about this. Generally speaking, I've found that being a part of memorial services when I wasn't close to the deceased feels invasive to me. I've felt like grieving should be a private affair between those who are close family/friends. When my mom was a manager of a large department, she would often go to wakes for her employees' family members, and I always thought that was a little odd.

That said.. my grandmother died last fall and she had two wakes, one in CT where she had lived for the last 7 years, and once here in MA where she had lived all her life previously. The CT wake was sparsely attended and my family didn't know anyone. It was sad to see so few people and awkward to receive condolences from complete strangers. At her wake here in MA, there were tons of people. I loved greeting the people I hadn't seen since my childhood, her old friends, neighbors, and co-workers. We also saw family that we only see maybe once a decade. On the other hand, there were also a lot of my aunt's husband's coworkers and his kids' (my aunt's stepkids) friends.. and I thought that felt weird.

At my grandmother's burial, there was no clergy, no service of any kind. There were maybe 15 of us gathered at the cemetary, all her children and grandchildren, and we said the Lord's Prayer and then good-bye, set the urn on the ground, and then discussed where to go eat lunch. It was weird, and while a formal service would have also felt weird (we're a very informal family), it was still kind of sad that it was so.. meh.

So I don't know really what I would want. In the end, it doesn't matter to me, because the service is to help my family.

[Melaine]

Definitely. As a Christian, the funeral service is partly a celebration, and partly a chance to share about our faith. I don't care much about burial details/cremation, etc. but the service is important to me.

[MoJo]

Definitely. As a Christian, the funeral service is partly a celebration, and partly a chance to share about our faith. I don't care much about burial details/cremation, etc. but the service is important to me.

:yeahthat: That's exactly why if DH goes first (and we both think that's likely) I will have one for him.

[wendibird22]

Well if I were to go today I wouldn't want a church service because I'm not currently affiliated with one but I would want some type of non-denominational gathering. I work on a college campus directly with students and I know that a number of them would want something to attend to bring closure. And I think that "something" would be important for my girls too. But should I go when I'm old and grey, well then I think calling hours would be sufficient.

[crl]

I don't know that I care much. I like to think at least a few people will remember me fondly. But whether or not there is a service, I suppose whatever works best for the people still around.

My dh's aunt died and I am still bothered that they only did a graveside service for her. She was Catholic and the church meant a lot to her (unlike the rest of the family). I was not close to her, but I feel sure she would have wanted a priest to do a service, if for no other reason than to get the rest of the family to go to church once. As far as I know they never even had a mass said in her name. I hosted a get together with some food at our house as we were closest to the cemetery, but that isn't the same.

Catherine

[DietCokeLover]

Definitely. As a Christian, the funeral service is partly a celebration, and partly a chance to share about our faith.

:yeahthat:

But, I will leave the details for how that will look to those who survive me. For me, it's more about what THEY need at that time, than what I would have wanted. If they need a big service, then that's what they should do to help them through their grief. If they need a more intimate small service, then that is what they should have.

[infomama]

I would like some sort of gathering. A celebration of my life...not a funeral. As a Christian I believe in this part of the process....prayers, blessings, words for those gathering to find comfort and strength in the coming days. I also feel that a celebration service is cathartic for those who attend. We gather and cry and hug and remember and that is so important.

Because when you get right down to it...we are all just walking each other home.

[wellyes]

Gatherings are not for the deceased, they are for the people who lost someone. I think they are important. But no need for a church or big ceremony. Even a home gathering of friends can be enough.

[Moneypenny]

It would be just fine with me if there were no service for me, but I don't think it's really up to me. I think the service is for my survivors, so they can do what makes them feel best at the time.

[edurnemk]

I would like some sort of gathering. A celebration of my life...not a funeral. As a Christian I believe in this part of the process....prayers, blessings, words for those gathering to find comfort and strength in the coming days. I also feel that a celebration service is cathartic for those who attend. We gather and cry and hug and remember and that is so important.

Because when you get right down to it...we are all just walking each other home.


Gatherings are not for the deceased, they are for the people who lost someone. I think they are important. But no need for a church or big ceremony. Even a home gathering of friends can be enough.

:yeahthat: I'd prefer some sort of celebration, to a sad event. But it's really up to those left behind.

[Gena]

As a Catholic, I want a Requiem Mass (Mass for the dead). Im my area, it is usual to have a celebratory meal after the Mass (and graveside service if there is one).

My faith teaches that the service is for both the surviving family/friends and for the deceased. We believe that prayers offered for the dead help the soul get through the process of purgatory and enter heaven.

[lizzywednesday]

As a Catholic, I want a Requiem Mass (Mass for the dead). Im my area, it is usual to have a celebratory meal after the Mass (and graveside service if there is one).

My faith teaches that the service is for both the surviving family/friends and for the deceased. We believe that prayers offered for the dead help the soul get through the process of purgatory and enter heaven.

Indeed.

When our chorusmaster passed two years ago, the alumni were invited by his family to attend his wakes and sing at his funeral Mass. It was heartfelt and musical.

It helped us grieve, his family thanked us ... and, as a (lapsed) Catholic myself, I felt he was spiritually with us that day. It made me feel like I had done something more meaningful than just come together with friends, family and memories.

Several alumni were invited to attend the graveside/burial services and several of his closer friends & colleagues also attended the repast (funeral meal) with the family.

It was something we'd been called to do in the past for other families, to bring them comfort and speed the souls of their departed to Paradise.

[vonfirmath]

I don't care.

I want the folks left behind to decide if they need a service or not. I'll be dead -- I won't care.

[hellokitty]

I didn't realize that some ppl didn't have a service. I don't think I really care whether or not I have a service.

[JoyNChrist]

I would like some type of service or gathering, but I don't care about the specifics.

But to reiterate my response from the other thread - NO open casket. No freakin' way.

[katydid1971]

Members of my family usually don't have services. I don't think I want one either. If my family wants one that's fine with me but I would rather that they not go through all the trouble and expense. I would rather my family went on a vacation or something instead of spending the money on a service.
I am weird I know.