Is there something wrong with me? (long)

[boolady]

I just need to get this out, so forgive me if it's a bit self-indulgent. Is there something wrong with me that I don't want another child right now? All around me, literally, almost every day, a colleague, a friend from the neighborhood, a parent at DD's school, someone, is telling me that they're expecting their second...third...beyond child. It's really started to make me wonder if I'm missing some sort of maternal gene, because I really don't want another child right now, and can't even picture when I would. There. I said it.

I am honestly starting to feel like some sort of freak, because everyone who's expecting seems so overjoyed, and if I found out that I was pregnant tomorrow, I think I would vomit, I would be so nervous and upset. I never, ever, ever thought this would be the case-- I always envisioned myself as the happy mom blithely bringing her 4 kids with her everywhere without a care in the world. I don't think I'm a selfish person...I love DD beyond what I could have ever imagined, and would do anything for DH and her. I don't spend money on myself, we don't take fancy vacations, we don't even really leave her with babysitters, except for with my parents or sisters three or four times per year.

I love being her mom and I love our family dynamic and I don't want to mess with it at all. Is that being selfish or afraid to just take the plunge? I feel like I really don't know. I know people are going to tell me that you never regret having another one, where you might regret not doing so, but I have to tell you-- I really believe that if I went and managed to get pregnant on a whim, I think I could regret it. DH and I work a lot, and I don't want the quality of the precious time we spend with DD compromised. Even saying that feels silly, because I know there are plenty of great moms on here capable of balancing all sorts of things.

I guess the answer is, I just hope that my feelings on this won't end up being a bad thing for DD. I was just with a colleague in my office and one from outside the office and both just told me their wives are expecting again, and I feel like I've been hit in the gut, because on some level, I wish the idea of sharing that kind of news would make me feel the way they seem to, but it doesn't. I don't really have anything I expect anyone to say, I just thank you for reading.

[mommylamb]

:hug: Of course there's nothing wrong with you! Families are just different, and maybe your family is complete with 3 members. That's totally fine. Being a mom is tough and there are so many stressful things about it. Only children are great (as are kids with siblings).

[larig]

If there's something wrong with you, there's something wrong with me.

I'm an only child myself, and only child mom by choice.

[elephantmeg]

I think we all have to accept who we are as moms. I'm at the point that some of my mom friends are having #3 (and people are asking if we are) and have to accept that I DO NOT want a #3. I don't want to go back to diapers, night time feedings, potty training, baby food, cribs, diaper bags, bucket car seats, endless trips to the Dr for check ups and teething. Thanks but no thanks! I love my kids but I love my life just the way it is!

[elektra]

Well I do have two kids, but I have no desire for more kids now either. AT ALL. There are tons of very good reasons not to have children!

[Seitvonzu]

first of all-- there is nothing "wrong" with you. that's just silly. people have the families they have for all sorts of reasons. it's a personal decision.

if you feel "3" is your magic number. then it is. you don't have to explain it to anyone, and you can still be happy for others, if they are happy. to each his own , right?

dear friends just had a baby a few weeks ago and we were doing the "newborn visit" last week... every time i do that i get sorta antsy. while we were visiting there was another woman there who related a story about her friend who only had 1 child. she said that she knew she was done because when she had her first it felt like "everyone was at the party." i thought that was a neat thing to think about. sometimes i certainly get the "we are all here" now vibe from our little family. particularly when i'm listening to kids songs about "3" (three little birds, three is a magic number, etc)

we have a 3 year old "only" right now (there is that 3 again ;)) , and i'm not pregnant. we don't plan on adding until DD1 goes to school. we like the idea of her having something for herself (school) and me having some special one on one with the baby while DD1 is at school. it was very evident when i DD1 was a baby that i am a "one baby at a time" person... at 3 , dd is still "my baby." i'm grateful for the time.

DH has been talking about #2 more recently as we are trying to plan around a big vacation with family & i have health issues so we have to think about those about 6 months before we want to be preg...so time really does go fast, doesn't it? anyhow.... while i never envisioned having an only child, it doesn't strike me as implausible anymore.

i didn't necessarily see myself as a person calmly having 4 babies, uh, ever, but people in my life definitely see me as a "mommy" type person. honestly though? i'm a better "big" kid mommy than a baby mommy... infancy was really really hard on DH and i, and i just can't envision loving another baby as much as we love our lu. we even have joked that we are going to name the next kiddo "spare parts lastname." it's a JOKE. (which i feel weird even sharing, please take it for what it's meant to be... !!!!) but still, i'd really like to be 100% sure i'll be able to love the next child as much as this one we already have. it's a real fear for me.

sorry to get long winded. i'm lucky that in my life i don't have too many people that would push me to have another baby or pry as to why i haven't. DH & I have been pretty upfront about wanting a "spread" between kids even if that means we can't have any more for whatever reason. we are planners, but plans change? right? ;)

don't feel guilty. do what's right for your family. it doesn't mean you aren't "maternal"-- you have a child and you are doing what is best for you and by extension- her-- that's maternal imho! *HUG*

[AnnieW625]

I was just like you until litterally a month before DD1 turned 2. I had absolutely no desire to have another child for 23 months, and or give birth to another child then one day it changed; I can't explain it but I decided why not, but I still had reservations and I got pregnant six months later, but it didn't last so I knew then it wasn't meant to be. Now with DD2 she was an oopsie, but now that we have her I am glad we have her. Had she not been an oopsie I honestly think we would've been done and had a one and only. The lost pregnancy was just so painful and I didn't want a repeat of that, and felt that had we planned it again something like that could happen again. DD2 is the last one, and while it's not possible now I too would've vomitted if I missed my period this month and DH's vasectomy results (which he got last week were 0 sperm) were the opposite and I was pregnant. A third child was not in our plans and I wouldn't have taken the news well at all so while I have two kids I have no problem vocalizing that we are done, done, and done, no other children for us.

:hug: as I know it's hard.

[boolady]

...you can still be happy for others, if they are happy. to each his own , right?

Absolutely. I have always been happy for other people. For some reason I can't figure out, it just sets my mind racing about my own feelings and decisions. Admittedly, I can overanalyze anything, and I think that's what happens.

[larig]

first of all-- there is nothing "wrong" with you. that's just silly. people have the families they have for all sorts of reasons. it's a personal decision.
---snip--
don't feel guilty. do what's right for your family. it doesn't mean you aren't "maternal"-- you have a child and you are doing what is best for you and by extension- her-- that's maternal imho! *HUG*

This whole thing is such a thoughtful post. Thanks for sharing. I just loved what your friend said about everyone being at the party.

[ellies mom]

I was quite happy as a mother to one. And if the husband had been quite happy to be a father to one, well there would have only been the one. But it eventually became obvious that the husband really did want more children. I figured I'd be more likely to regret not having a second child more than having the second child so I decided to take the plunge. And for us it turned out to be a fabulously wonderful decision.

Now, I'm quite happy as a mother to two. And even though the husband sometimes bring up the topic of a third child, I'm still have no desire to be the mother of three. I just don't.

I'm happy when my friends are expecting. I love to make things for their babies. I'm more than willing to hold them even when they are crying. I ohhh and ahhh over new babies from a distance. But I don't get baby lust or baby fever. I never have. I don't see it as a shortcoming on my part. I see it more as an acknowledgment of my limits and my view that my family is fine just the way it is. Which is wonderful because I would hate to live with that feeling that there is another child out there for me and I don't have it. That would suck.

[ha98ed14]

If you are a freak, then I am too. (Altho I also have other things contributing to my freakishness that I pray you have been spared! ;) ) But in all seriousness, I could have written your post word. for. word. I am in the exact same mental/ emotional place you describe here.

Most of my friends are from church, and following the trend, religious people tend to have more kids. The only woman of child bearing age with an only in the 20 families is a woman who has secondary infertility and does not hide her pain, not that she should. I'm a SAHM right now, but like you, someone I know is telling me they are "with child" number 3 or greater every other month. My reaction? Better you than me! I'm happy for them because this is something they want, but part of me actually cringes. (There I said it.) But of course, this is my perspective on their lives. Presumably, they love their big family dynamic as much as I live my little one. Maybe they look at me and think I am missing out. Or maybe they think I'm doing what is right for me. Or maybe they don't care. The last is probably the most true. I am always much more concerned about what other people think of me than they are. Hopefully it will help you to know you are not alone. I think Nicci and Molly are of the same mind and they make me feel less freakish.

[arivecchi]

You should just do what feels right to you. You are not a freak for having one child or 6. :grouphug:

[boolady]

Thanks very much, ladies. You're all the best. I really wasn't trying to "woe is me" it, I just sometimes really wonder. You have all made me feel a lot better, even if it was a silly thing to start out with.

[carolinamama]

I don't think there is a thing wrong with you and I would consider you maternal because you are a mother to your child. Just because we plan to have 3 doesn't mean that I am any more maternal than you are. And to be perfectly honest, I really admire you for living life the way that fits you and your family the best. Sometimes I even envy those with one - the closeness, the interaction, and that relationship. Can you tell I'm starting to freak out about adding a 3rd to the mix?

[niccig]

Absolutely. I have always been happy for other people. For some reason I can't figure out, it just sets my mind racing about my own feelings and decisions. Admittedly, I can overanalyze anything, and I think that's what happens.

Don't compare yourself to others. Listen to what YOUR feelings are. DS is 6 and will be an only child. We didn't plan for that, we had a scare and then realised we were both very upset that not pregant. We really wanted TTC and we got pregnant with DS. Since then, I have never felt that same want to TTC. I hold friend's babies and happy to do so, but there is no baby lust there. Still glad every month when get AF, now that I've started back at school, definitely glad to have AF each month, as I finally know what work I want to do. We said we would keep going as we are, and if our feelings change then we will do something about that. I'm 37, DS is 6 years old and our feelings haven't changed. We haven't done any permanent birth control, but we're very careful. There's still a chance that we could change our mind, and if we do, then we'll throw out the birth control.

Nothing wrong at all with that. Families come in all shapes and sizes. I'm very maternal with DS and with friend's kids, but just no desire to have another child. I'm really happy with my family and no one else can tell me I'm doing the wrong thing, as I know how *I* feel. You do get questions about why not..some people are very rude, but when asked I confidently say "no, we're done"..and no one questions further. One friend did and I looked at her and said "no one else gets to decide how many children I have. That's for DH and I to decide what's right for us" She shut up pretty quickly.

[jenfromnj]

I'm in almost the same exact position, so I completely understand how you feel. I have definitely been feeling it more acutely in recent months, as nearly everyone in our circle either has or is expecting a second (or beyond). For a year or so after DS was born, no one really asked us about having a second, but now as he's closer to 2, we get asked about it more and more frequently, and I hate when people ask the question--it's as though I feel the need to defend or justify having "only" one child, and I hate that I let myself feel that way. (I've even been questioned and judged by numerous people on this very board when I asked a question last year about being "one and done".)

In the end, I know that each of us has to do what's best for us, but it really can be tough, especially since the societal expectation really seems to be 2 kids. But I know that our reasons for being 99% sure we're one and done are valid ones, and I try to remind myself of that. So I really have no advice, but you are definitely not the only one feeling this way!

[niccig]

I know people are going to tell me that you never regret having another one, where you might regret not doing so, but I have to tell you-- I really believe that if I went and managed to get pregnant on a whim, I think I could regret it. DH and I work a lot, and I don't want the quality of the precious time we spend with DD compromised. Even saying that feels silly, because I know there are plenty of great moms on here capable of balancing all sorts of things.

I guess the answer is, I just hope that my feelings on this won't end up being a bad thing for DD.

I'll address this. You can't compare yourself to others and say "well, she has 3 kids, works full time, volunteers and can do it all". You can only ask yourself what can YOU do. And it's not a contest.

I realised what I need to be the best mother to DS is to not be stressed..having another child for *me* would be too much. Yes, DS would have a sibling, but both their quality of lives wouldn't be so great. Someone else can cope with more, so they can do more. I can not. I know my limitations and I know what I can/can't handle.

Will DS be upset one day that he is an only child. Yes, he might. If asked, I'll tell him why we didn't have anymore kids. He may disagree. And he has a right to that opinion. But I know it's the right decision for us.

We had DS's parent teacher conference and they said DS is a perfect student. He plays well with everyone (girls and boys), is know to be fair, he has good self-esteem, confidence and is assertive with speaking up for himself. We've had no supposed only child issues - spoiled, can't play with other, better at interacting with adults etc.

I know people talk about the burden of having elderly parents on an only child. My mother has 2 siblings who didn't help with my grandmother, it was my Dad and her friends that gave her the most support. One sister refused to make a decision and the other didn't turn up to the nursing home until 1 hour before my grandmother died. Everything was decided upon by my mother. We do plan to make sure we have enough money, so we're not a financial burden. Yes, DS will have to make decisions, but there's no guarantee he wouldn't have to do that even if he had a sibling.

So, no I don't think DS will be harmed by being an only child. I know he's benefiting as he has an involved mother, and a happy stable home. But I do know that he might not like our decision. Just as I know some people, who don't like their siblings. You just don't know how that will end up.

[niccig]

In the end, I know that each of us has to do what's best for us, but it really can be tough, especially since the societal expectation really seems to be 2 kids. But I know that our reasons for being 99% sure we're one and done are valid ones, and I try to remind myself of that. So I really have no advice, but you are definitely not the only one feeling this way!

I haven't been feeling that as much anymore. Maybe because DS is older, he's 6, so most people probably think if we were going to have another it would be before now.

There's also more only children now days, so I do think some of the expectations are changing. In DS's class, 25% are only children. It's much more common.

As for the judgements...I don't give my reasons..that is personal, and as with anything to do with parenting if you give reasons, people think it's a debate. When asked if we have anymore kids or will we have any more kids, I say "No, we're totally done and happy about it." When someone did ask further I questioned why she thought she was better at making decisions about my life than I am...I politely told her it wasn't up to her or anyone else to decide how many children I should have.

[kerridean]

Well I have 2 but I feel the same as you now. I have 2 DDs, ages 5 and 7. I feel completely, 100% DONE. I would be DEVASTATED if I found myself pregnant (dh had a V). DEVASTATED.

I have NO desire to go through any of it again: pregnancy, diapers, potty training, sleepless nights, etc. NO DESIRE.

Quite frankly, I just do not understand, at all, why people want more then 2 (or 1:)) kids. This sometimes makes me feel like a freak also because everyone else seems so excited about have lots of children. I must being missing the gene too:).

[MamaMolly]

Not a thing wrong in the world. Just as some of 'know' when we are not done, you also know that you are. And for you, it is with one. For me, I really, really, really wanted another. I believe it is the same sort of feeling, just as strong and indescribable as the one you have. When you are done you are done.

I do think that you get more comments only having one. People tend to assume that folks who have kids in the first place want more than one, so they say rude or overly personal things. IIWY I'd work on witty comebacks and not worry about what others think.

[Seitvonzu]

boolady-- i want you to know that i understood 100% that you were not saying you were not happy for your friends/coworkers !!!! i think it's perfectly reasonable to be happy for them but internally troubled.

i think that NOT thinking about what you want or what your family can handle would be the "nonmaternal" choice. you are being a great mom! i'm glad we could all help validate your feelings! i have lots of doubts too when i feel reluctant to add. i just keep telling myself-- it's better to do what i can do best. right now that's take care of ONE precious child. *HUG*

[jenfromnj]

As for the judgements...I don't give my reasons..that is personal, and as with anything to do with parenting if you give reasons, people think it's a debate. When asked if we have anymore kids or will we have any more kids, I say "No, we're totally done and happy about it." When someone did ask further I questioned why she thought she was better at making decisions about my life than I am...I politely told her it wasn't up to her or anyone else to decide how many children I should have.

I think that's the best approach. I used to be too quick to explain myself, but as you said, it comes across as needing to justify the decision to anyone, which just isn't necessary. DH's family in particular loves to take shots at us for our decision, but I've just come to realize that, since I truly do not care even a bit what they have to say on the subject, I should just let it go in one ear and out the other.

I really admire those who can balance having a great career, a wonderful marriage, and several kids, and keep a showplace-like house, volunteer extensively, and have time to work out 4 hours per day and handmake all of their DCs clothes :), but that's just not me, and I'm OK with that.

[mommylamb]

We're not done. I'd like 1 more (total of 2). But, I really HATE when people ask me when we're going to have a second child. Usually, it's people I don't consider close friends or family. It's just so insensitive to ask. What if we had been trying for years and had infertility issues? That's not the case, but the point is, it's not their business.

[mackmama]

I think there is a lot of pressure to get married, then to have children, then to have more than 1 child, etc etc. I think it's important to trust yourself and listen to your own gut. There are no wrong choices as to how many children you do or don't want. I think it's great that you are giving it so much thought to make the best and most informed decision for yourself and your family.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Skipping the other replies as time is short.

I have a 5.5 year age gap. I felt just like you when my ds1 was your dd's age (though I admit that we left him with babysitters more :)). But, one day I just knew I wanted another one. It could be because other people were gestating around me and I wanted to have that experience. Who knows. I waited it out for 6+ months to make sure I really wanted another and wasn't just tagging along with my friends. After that time I still wanted another so we tried...and quickly succeeded.

I am glad that we had that time with ds1 and I don't regret not being ready sooner. You might never be ready and that's ok.

If I can be honest, I do adore seeing ds1's life enriched by his little brother. Would he have been fine without ds2? Yep, I am sure he would have. But, i was so worried about what ds1 would be giving up but he really got a lot in return.

Very best of luck! None of us can tell you what is the right answer. It sounds like you have a great family. :)

Beth

[sste]

Boolady, I think you are right to reflect on this and think about what you want . . .

There are some people for whom 1 child is the right choice and it feels like they are done.

There are also situations where people want more children but face very real limitations - - financial, logistical, emotional, health. The popular sentiment seems to be "forget about all of that . . . go for it!" but I am not sure I agree. You want to be in a situation where you can be the kind of parent you want to be . . . and enjoy doing it, not just survive it. I would love to have four kids but given my spouse's work hours and our lack of family support and my love for my career the only way I would do it is if a genie granted me the right to a second, or ideally parallel, lifetime!

It sounds like you are falling somewhat into both of these camps. Which is fine. Also you can keep the door open for awhile if you are unsure . . . no need for a "final" resolution unless you are feeling the issue is tying up your energy unduly.

[vejemom]

If there's something wrong with you, then there is something wrong with me! I was just reading the baby fever thread on here and thinking to myself that I must be really done, because the idea of one more makes me queasy! Love the two that I have, and embrace the part time older three. But I am done with a capital D. Had surgery to correct my diastasis recti, getting my ouchy varicose veins fixed this spring now that we have better insurance. Just enjoying the ones I've got...

[boolady]

I felt just like you when my ds1 was your dd's age (though I admit that we left him with babysitters more


Oh, we would be open to it, we just don't have anyone right now. Plus, since we all don't see each other during the day four days a week, we really try to spend nights and weekends as a family.

[Fairy]

You don't need me to pipe in, you've already heard it, but there's nuttin' wrong witchu. Sometimes, you know your family dynamic is perfect the way it is. And if that means one kid, what's wrong with that? Not a thing. I'm and only, I'm the mother of an only. If i got pregnant tomorrow I'd fall over with shock. We're very happy the way we are. You sound like you are too :-)

[Indianamom2]

I'm happy when my friends are expecting. I love to make things for their babies. I'm more than willing to hold them even when they are crying. I ohhh and ahhh over new babies from a distance. But I don't get baby lust or baby fever. I never have. I don't see it as a shortcoming on my part. I see it more as an acknowledgment of my limits and my view that my family is fine just the way it is. Which is wonderful because I would hate to live with that feeling that there is another child out there for me and I don't have it. That would suck.

:yeahthat: This is the way I feel as well. I have two now, and I can't imagine life without either of them, but DD#1 was (and still is) so much more demanding time and emotion-wise that it took a long time before I was ready to even consider another, and to be quite honest, she is the main reason why I don't really want another. She needs more from DH and me, and I am pretty confident that I would be spread far too thin with one more child.

[boolady]

We're very happy the way we are. You sound like you are too :-)

You know what? You're absolutely right. Great point.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

I will say that I enjoy my children soooooooo much more when I am with just one at a time, sometimes it almost makes me feel badly!

[dowlinal]

I always wanted a houseful of kids, but I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting one or even none. My sister is not a kid person at all. She likes to visit with mine, but she has never ever wanted to have any of her own. One of my best friends is the same way. I know people say you won't regret having another, but I think that's only true for people who are on the fence. If your family is right the way it is, then I think it's great.

[squimp]

I think you are very very lucky. You have what you want! It's normal to question and second guess yourself, but really I consider you lucky.

[SkyrMommy]

First thank you for this post, with DD at 22 months and several friends with children her age expecting or having just added to their feeling I could have written many points in your post.

It makes me cringe every time someone asks when DD is going to be a big sister. I usually reply, "that's you a personal decision, thank you." I don't feel like my family is complete yet, but I'm also so not ready to go through a pregnancy and I'm absolutely sure that I can't handle everything that goes along with a newborn yet. Maybe sometime soon, but not right now.

I'm getting better at letting it go and enjoying others families as they are and accepting myself and my family as we are now.

[kijip]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not alone.

[JElaineB]

You've gotten a lot of good advice, so I'll just chime in and agree there is nothing wrong with you, but the feelings you have are certainly valid and ok.

[JoyNChrist]

I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel.

I'm an only. My mom decided when I was like two months old that she didn't want anymore kids, and she stuck with it. While there are times I've wished I had siblings, there were (and still are) real benefits to being an only, and I don't feel like I'm really lacking in any way.