Stranger Danger and the Shy/Sensitive Child

[Melaine]

I'm looking forward to the great advice from you guys on this difficult topic!

I've been meaning to start this thread for awhile and the candy thread just jogged my memory. Here it is:

How do you teach stranger danger to the extremely shy child? My girls shyness has improved in some ways, but in other ways NO. To put it this way, my kids are very talkative and boisterous at home but DD1 has never spoken an unprompted word to a stranger or even a friendly acquaintance. The only things she has said has been "Thank you" when prompted because she knows that there are consequences for not saying "thank you" (the gift is taken away, etc). DD2 said one thing unprompted to a stranger about a year and a half ago and I remember it vividly because of how unusual it was. The last couple weeks I have been taking them to the childcare at the Y and they have been doing pretty well, but the staff tells me that they sit at a table and color the entire time (45 minutes usually) and don't say anything.

In public, the girls are super careful about staying close to me, they are good at listening and obeying (in public, mind you) and they would never EVER go up to a stranger for any reason (well, if the stranger had a cute puppy maybe).

Because of this dynamic, we have never had any stranger danger conversations at all. I am reluctant to bring it up because they clearly already have a lot of fears related to strangers and strange situations. So far, I haven't been worried about it, because frankly they are within my line of sight 24/7. How long can I/should I procrastinate this conversation? Can I skip it since my children apparently already have the sense of danger related to strangers? What have you done with your shy children?

[egoldber]

There is no evidence that "stranger danger" type talks work with children. In fact, stranger danger talks have been known to prevent children lost in public places from seeking help because they don't want to "talk to strangers". It is also confusing for kids to know who is OK to talk to and who is not. after all, they see adults talk to strangers all the time (cashiers, random strangers in line, etc.) So I have never had a stranger danger talk with my kids and don't plan to.

What we do talk about.....

- If lost or separated, ask a mom with kids for help

- We don't have secrets (surprises are OK, secrets are not) and if someone asks you to keep a secret, you need to tell

- Only mom/dad and a doctor (with a parent) should touch your private areas, and you should tell mom/dad or another trusted adult right away if this happens.

Statistically speaking, a child is not likely to be kidnapped by a stranger. A predator is most likely to be someone you or they know well.

ETA: Here's a previous thread: http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=378360&highlight=stranger+danger

[Melaine]

Thank you Beth...that makes sense and I guess I never thought of it like that. I mean, I wasn't about to tell the girls not to talk to strangers but I guess I thought I still needed to say something along those lines.

I'm kind of afraid to even talk about being lost or separated at this point, I'm afraid they would freak out even thinking about that.

[egoldber]

Having an axious child myself, I hear you (although social anxiety is not her issue). You do have to be very careful about what you say and how you present things. Which is why I held off with older DD originally. But then as a I learned more and thought about things more, I realized why I am uncomfortable in general with the whole stranger danger concept.

[lhafer]

There is no evidence that "stranger danger" type talks work with children. In fact, stranger danger talks have been known to prevent children lost in public places from seeking help because they don't want to "talk to strangers". It is also confusing for kids to know who is OK to talk to and who is not. after all, they see adults talk to strangers all the time (cashiers, random strangers in line, etc.) So I have never had a stranger danger talk with my kids and don't plan to.

What we do talk about.....

- If lost or separated, ask a mom with kids for help

- We don't have secrets (surprises are OK, secrets are not) and if someone asks you to keep a secret, you need to tell

Statistically speaking, a child is not likely to be kidnapped by a stranger. A predator is most likely to be someone you or they know well.

:yeahthat: to the bolded sentence!!

One of the best ways to help a child remember who it's okay to talk to if lost is to try to find someone wearing a name tag and ask for help. If at a park or something - another mom would be good. But in a store or somewhere that has employees - they can calll a Code Adam (the usual code for lost kids) very quickly.

The other thing I don't like about "stranger danger" talks is - those strangers who we don't want anywhere near our children will NOT look or act like a stranger towards the child (usually). They appear nice, gentle, usually have a treat, etc. It's very difficult to teach children about stuff like this.

In your case I would just continue to do what you are doing.

[DietCokeLover]

Like PP said, I would focus on more safety skills, rather than "stranger danger". If you get separated from Mommy, go to ______ and help them identify who are the "safe" people.

[hillview]

Agree with pp. I once had a chat with DS1 about stranger danger about 18 months ago and it led to TONS of questions -- "what would happen" "why would someone do something" "WHO would be a bad person" etc. horrible discussion I was not prepared for and I back peddled from it.

I think that discussing private parts (what parts are private and who can touch them when) is important and discussing what to do if a child becomes separated from you (find a mommy to help -- although this led to "why not a daddy ... ") would be the 2 things to spend time on.
/hillary

[egoldber]

find a mommy to help -- although this led to "why not a daddy ... "

My DD asked this too. To which I gave her the totally sexist, gender discriminatory response, "Oh you know, moms just know better in general how to help little kids than dads do." :o To which she totally agreed. :ROTFLMAO:

[hillview]

My DD asked this too. To which I gave her the totally sexist, gender discriminatory response, "Oh you know, moms just know better in general how to help little kids than dads do." :o To which she totally agreed. :ROTFLMAO:

HA HA
I will try that next time. We should get our kids together ;)

[kijip]

I agree with everything Beth said. The phrase "stranger danger" needs, urgently, to be dropped. It does more harm than good.

[brittone2]

I'm with Beth and Katie. DS1 is a pretty sensitive kid (not shy, but up until recently I can guarantee a stranger danger talk would have provoked a lot of worry from him). We talk about a lot of the things Beth mentioned, but I'm just not a fan of "stranger danger" in general.

[AnnieW625]

I agree with everything Beth said. The phrase "stranger danger" needs, urgently, to be dropped. It does more harm than good.

I could not agree more. I hate that term. My best friend uses it all of the time with her almost 3 yr. old. I have a very shy DD1 who still will hide herself in clothing racks at dept. stores because she thinks it's fun, but it drives me up the wall that she does that (Adam Walsh being kidnapped from the mall still scares me). For the most part I still make her sit in a stroller to avoid it, but as she gets older it's not going to be easy. We've told her that she has to stay near us and avoid people she doesn't know and scream very loud if she has lost us or someone touches her and so on. We've never once used the term "stranger danger" though.