Would you be mad if someone didn't come to your baby shower because....

[sewarsh]

I'm invited to a good friend from college baby shower.
She's in my group of 8 or so friends from college that are still close, but I do not have the closest relationship with her.

For instance, she lives 20 minutes away and we haven't seen each other more than 2x in probably 6 months. She's probably called me once in 3 months and I the same.

Anyways, DH is away the day of her shower and I'm not interested in dropping $40 on a sitter for 3-4 hours while I go to baby shower (kids not invited). I RSVPs to sister and emailed her personally, said i was sorry, disappointed, etc. and asked that we get togehter one night for dinner to celebrate before baby comes.

Its been almost 10 days and I haven't had a respnose to my email and she's always the type of person who responds ASAP. (and the type of person who gets upset over this sort of thing...)

I'm comfortable with my decision, but wanted to see how others would feel.

MORE BACKGROUND IN POST #17.

[katydid1971]

Honestly I would be a little hurt. I understand not wanting to put the money out but is there any other child care solution you could come up with, family or friends, maybe sharing a sitter with someone else who is going to the shower.

[WolfpackMom]

I agree with PP, to be totally honest I would also be hurt. If I was one of the other 6 friends from your group of college friends I would be hurt for her as well. You may not see her super often, but you even term her as a "good friend." I would find a childcare solution and attend.

[arivecchi]

If she's a good friend, I would make it happen. I would not be happy if a good friend skipped out on my baby shower.

[Binkandabee]

I would be hurt. I don't see my friends as often as I'd like, but we are friends nonetheless and I would absolutely be there for them for big events like a baby shower.

[JTsMom]

I would be hurt too.

[daniele_ut]

I would definitely be hurt if a good friend skipped out on my baby shower for that reason, even if I hadn't seen her all that often recently. I flew across the country 1 week before my own wedding to attend the wedding of a childhood friend I only see once or twice a year, though, because I still consider her a good friend, so take my opinion FWIW.

[elliput]

I think I would have made the same decision as you, and I am very glad you are comfortable with it. :hug:

You didn't say specifically, but is the first child for your college friend? My guess is that she thinks that you of all people should be there since you already have a child. What she doesn't understand (and won't until after her child is here) is how much of one's social life is put on the back burner. Most likely, she's ticked off right now, but give her a few months to figure it out. Hopefully, she'll come around.

[niccig]

Well, it would depend on how you worded it. Did you say you don't want to pay for a babysitter? The friend is then thinking that your friendship isn't worth $40.

If you did the white lie and say..we have other plans. Then maybe. But for a good friend, who I have known for years, I would go to the shower. I would see it as me time, get away from the house and kids and hang with college friends that I don't normally get to see much because we're all so busy.

[minnie-zb]

I might be disappointed, but I wouldn't be mad. Plus you reached out and said you would like to get together and honestly there will better quality time together if it is just the two of you at dinner.

Maybe a couple of days before the shower send another note saying how sorry you are you will miss the shower, you are thinking of her and reiterate your invitation to dinner.

[BabbyO]

I personally wouldn't be hurt...but then I've been let down a lot by my "good friends" from college. In my opinion...you had a reasonable excuse. I also feel that if DC aren't invited, you have to be understanding if people can't come because they can't get a sitter, etc. In these economic times...well I can't blame anyone for not spending $$ on a sitter for unnecessary things.

Additionally, since you offered/suggested getting together another time with her, I think you're doubly off the hook. I wasn't invited to a friend's shower. She explained that she thought (A) since I didn't know anyone else there it wouldn't be all that enjoyable for me (B) we should try to get together when we could truly spend quality time together. I wasn't offended...and I guess it was a little different situation, but in the same vein.

Maybe try contacting her again and see if she can get together with you some time. If she says it doesn't work, ask when and where would be a good time/place to drop off her shower gift.

[BabyBearsMom]

I wouldn't be hurt. I think that as long as you reached out to get together another time and send a nice gift to show you are excited for her baby, it is fine.

[brgnmom]

I think in your case b/c you offered to celebrate w/ your friend at another time - I wouldn't be hurt. I would follow through w/ celebrating with your friend at another time before her baby is born.

[ohsara430]

I wouldn't be mad, but probably disappointed. I think it was nice of you to suggest getting together another time, but then I think you should also make an actual offer-suggest a day and time. It actually really bothers me when someone says "we should get together sometime" and just leaves it at that.

[mezzona]

i would be disappointed just for a little bit but not mad. and i'd hope my friend didnt tell me it was cuz she didnt want to spend $40. i'd rather be kept in the dark as to the reason. tell me a white lie.

[smiles33]

Ditto PP re: feeling disappointed and a little hurt. I think it's hard when you've got that history, even if you don't see each other regularly. I am not the kind of friend who calls weekly or even monthly. Still, for big events like a wedding or baby shower, I would make an effort to be there. Needless to say, after several old friends didn't attend my baby shower (and didn't even email me personally to say congrats or try to make up for it), I stopped trying altogether and let those friendships die.

[sewarsh]

Okay, more background:

I was actually a little hurt by this good friend because we also used to work at the same company but 15 floors apart from each other. I quit last April and asked her to go to lunch a couple weeks before my last day. She never got back to me. The week before I reached out to her again and she did get back to me and we went to lunch.

She never called once to see how things were going at home. I went through a pretty major life change...comtemplated quitting for years, so she knew it was pretty major for me.

I wasn't mad, just disappointed that she didn't reach out to me.
I'm not going to her shower becuase of that by any means, I guess I just feel that if she was closer she'd make more attempts to reach and I'd make more of an attempt to get a sitter.

For who is wondering, I went in on a group gift with 3 others - I went to the store to actually buy it. I spent $45 for my portion. Add another $40 for a sitter to go to a shower that I'll hardly even speak to her at just seems a lot to ask IMO. But thanks very much for giving me your opinions. I really didn't think it was rude at all and totally didn't expect her to be mad. Disapointed, yes, but not mad. But maybe I was wrong....


Also, This is what I wrote in the email:

Hey, i just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to be able to make it to your shower. :(
I think I told you Jason will be away and I asked my inlaws but they have something going on that day.
I'm sure it will be so much fun and I'm bummed to be missing it.
I'd like to get togehter another time though, especially before baby makes his/her arrival!
Let me know some dates that work for you over the next few weeks.

[ThreeofUs]

I think you made the right decision. I might pick up a nice gift and ask if I could drop it by. A personal contact, and maybe using that visit to set a date to get together, will probably go far in saving your friendship.

And it's not just you. Remember, it's hard to keep these things in perspective when (1) it's a first child, (2) you're hormonal to the max, and (3) you have no idea what having kids means for your social life.

Just be gentle with her and expect her to say she's hurt.

[niccig]

I really didn't think it was rude at all and totally didn't expect her to be mad. Disapointed, yes, but not mad. But maybe I was wrong....


Well, if it's her first, she's all wrapped up in the excitement and as someone said she doesn't understand trying to work out sitters etc. Most of us do understand difficulty of arranging a sitter, so we're probably more understanding.

I like to go to events like this, not just for the person who is having the shower, but to socialise with all the other women I know and don't get to see much. I would follow up and try to set up a specific day to do something with her.

[JustMe]

I don't think its rude and also think you made the right decision. I would give her the benefit of the doubt, though, and think that maybe she is just very busy or for some reason "spaced" getting back to you. I also vote for re-issuing an invitation for a get-together after a certain amount of time has passed (not sure how far along she is or when the shower is).

[mezzona]

I think you made the right decision. I might pick up a nice gift and ask if I could drop it by. A personal contact, and maybe using that visit to set a date to get together, will probably go far in saving your friendship.

And it's not just you. Remember, it's hard to keep these things in perspective when (1) it's a first child, (2) you're hormonal to the max, and (3) you have no idea what having kids means for your social life.

Just be gentle with her and expect her to say she's hurt.

:yeahthat:

i think what you did was absolutely fine. if i were her, i wouldnt be mad and i'd totally take you up on your offer to meet up!

[TwinFoxes]

Honestly, at this point, I think the friendship is on it's last legs. Neither one of you seems willing to make a lot of effort. But you know, there are worst ways for a friendship to end. You wrote a polite email and sent a present, she'll probably send a thank you, and it can gently fade away, rather than in a big blow up.

[mackmama]

I would be hurt if a good friend did not attend my baby shower if she lived close by. I understand not traveling by plane for a baby shower or if something else really important conflicted with the shower, but otherwise would hope a close friend (even if not the closest friend out of a small group) would make the effort. I'd want my friends to celebrate the milestone with me.

[fedoragirl]

Something similar happened to me. A very good friend of mine decided to host another of her friend's baby shower the same day AFTER she learned my baby shower date. I was hopping mad. However, I did realize after several months of silence that our friendship had run its course, and there was no point being resentful about it. We met up several times because of work, and had a pleasant conversation but it was nowhere close to what it used to be and I had to let it go.
So in other words, I would be hurt if someone did not make it to my shower and would also be hurt if they sent a group gift rather than an individual gift (no matter the price), but I am not your friend, and your circumstances and history are completely different.

[georgiegirl]

I wouldn't be upset at all. Its only a baby shower. Maybe I don't see them as that important (especially compared to a wedding ), but You have a legit excuse and ofeered to celebrate another time.