Maybe I Should Quit...

[lizzywednesday]

Grr.

DH is out of work. This is a mixed blessing for various reasons that are unimportant to this particular posting.

I have a wonderful arrangement with my job, which I have held for 10 years next month, that allows me to WAH three days per week; I go into the office two days.

On the days I WAH, DH is supposed to be minding DD so that I actually CAN work. It doesn't work out that way. (Which needs to be another bitch.)

Recently, DH complained that I "let" him sleep late and he couldn't get things done.

Um, OK, I am not your alarm clock. I am also not your mother. (Something I have said in MIL's presence. She's backed me up.)

He asked me to wake him by 9am.

I said he can shove it because I'm supposed to be working. And he has an alarm clock.

What I am irritated with is this morning.

This morning was the first day he set his alarm.

He still woke up at 11am, leaving me with DD from the time she woke up (7:15a) until he decided he couldn't handle her (because he's sitting in bed effing around online) ... although now they are out of the house and I have a reprieve 'til they get back. This is also a HUGE problem because he's a bandwidth hog and my laptop runs sluggishly already (I am dealing with virus and registry issues; he's promised to work on it) ... and idle time boots me from the remote servers.

I know that I am going to have to be a lot more clear about my expectations because now that DD has discovered the stairs (and how to climb them) I can't stop work every 2 minutes to redirect her away from the stairs or the kitchen or whatever she's gotten into in the eyeblink it takes for her to do it.

Because, as it stands now, I get little-to-no work done at home anymore and if it keeps up into our busier time of year, I will lose the job AND our insurance.

In my mean-spirited and very immature moments, I threaten (in my head) to quit and move in with my mother. But, the fact is, we need to keep insurance coverage for DD.

It's stressful enough thinking about things this way, but I really am starting to crack.

[mmommy]

:grouphug:
Any chance you work on a laptop that you can take elsewhere? I'd pack up and work from a coffee shop for a few days until he gets used to doing his part.
Another thought - sign them up for a class that meets at 9:00 am on the days you work.
I hope he wakes up (literally and as in comes to his senses) ASAP.

[MamaMolly]

:grouphug:
Any chance you work on a laptop that you can take elsewhere? I'd pack up and work from a coffee shop for a few days until he gets used to doing his part.
Another thought - sign them up for a class that meets at 9:00 am on the days you work.
I hope he wakes up (literally and as in comes to his senses) ASAP.

:yeahthat: what she said. To all of it. I think if you are physically there he's just going to roll over and keep snoring.

[veronica]

You are supposed to be working from home, and he is not helping. Obviously, your DH has no regard for the arrangement. I'd see about working from home....out of the home. go to your mom's for that.

Can you literally lock yourself in a room and not leave it to prove a point to him that he needs to be in charge of DD, when you work?

[lizzywednesday]

:grouphug:
Any chance you work on a laptop that you can take elsewhere? I'd pack up and work from a coffee shop for a few days until he gets used to doing his part.
Another thought - sign them up for a class that meets at 9:00 am on the days you work.
I hope he wakes up (literally and as in comes to his senses) ASAP.


:yeahthat: what she said. To all of it. I think if you are physically there he's just going to roll over and keep snoring.

Yes, I am on a laptop. I could take it elsewhere, but, since I am not from this area, I am not sure where I could go.

Also, I guaranteed my boss I'd be available during my customary hours - 7:30a-3:30p (well, actually, 8a-4p), and I am not comfortable working 9a-5p.

If he's not up when DD is, I get nothing done until she takes a nap.

I have been trying to get him to go with me to get our library cards because the library offers an infant/parent music & movement course during the week. DD would LOVE it, but DH keeps putting it off.


You are supposed to be working from home, and he is not helping. Obviously, your DH has no regard for the arrangement. I'd see about working from home....out of the home. go to your mom's for that.

Can you literally lock yourself in a room and not leave it to prove a point to him that he needs to be in charge of DD, when you work?

I'd have to pack myself up for an extended stay; mom's is 2.5 hours away on a good day and I can't just up-and-go every other day.

We don't have another bedroom in the house and the 3rd floor isn't conducive to me working (I need to have the TV on for a little bit of noise.)

I've thought about threatening to go back to the office full-time, but don't like that idea because they're predicting gas prices near $5 over the summer. I mean, it's already close to $3.50 in our area and I only have to fill the tank once ... but add that to tolls and wear/tear on the car, and it gets to be a budgetary issue.

[veronica]

OK...then a serious talk is necessary at this point. You can not afford to have your job in trouble over this. DH needs to understand that. In my career, it was impossible for me to work out a work from home schedule and I'm envious that you can. he needs to join your side and really commit to make the arrangement work. Otherwise, your employer will not only lose confidence in you but also any work from home situation.

Hoping your DH can start changing his ways soon.

ETA: just noticed you are in central NJ. We lived in Monmouth county for several years and I miss it dearly!

[niccig]

Go to a coffee shop. Wake him up, tell him you're going to be working out of the house for the entire day and he's on duty, then put DD on the bed with him. Then go to the library/coffee shop anywhere with free wifi.

My DS is older 6yo and he always wants me to do something for him, even on weekends when I'm working/studying and DH is right there. I have to keep telling DS to go ask DH - DH will do it, but DS is used to me being the way to do it. Prevent this, but every time your DD needs something and you are working, give her to DH and leave the room. So, if you're home and it's 7.30am time for you to work, go wake him up and give him DD and leave the room. You have to be willing to leave her with him, if she cries, you don't go to her. He'll only do it, if you don't do it. And then give him a swift kick in the behind for being so unsupportive.

[AnnieW625]

Tell him you are going back to work full time. Maybe the gas price thing will scare him to get his act in gear. I spend $60 a week or so on gas so I know how hard it is, but make it work. Give him a spreadsheet with the other ways that the $30 or whatever you spend on gas a week to work full time outside could be used if he cooperated and you could still work full time from home.

Maybe he is in denial about the possibility of having to be a SAHD until he gets another job, and I don't want to sound mean, but I think if he's out of the house he can't have his video games and such (as I know you have mentioned this before) and that just isn't jiving with what his ideas of being a SAHD two days a week should be. (sorry if I offended)

[alirebco]

I agree with the others - find a coffee shop close to home that offers free Wifi and go there during 8-4. Tell him before you leave that you're working out of the house since you can't get anything done there and your job is at stake.

DH occasionally works from home and he has a separate office. I don't expect him to watch DS at all during the work day unless I have previously cleared it with him - say a dr. appt.

[scrooks]

I agree with the others - find a coffee shop close to home that offers free Wifi and go there during 8-4. .

:yeahthat: It sounds as though he needs to really understand how important your work is. It sounds like he doesnt respect that at all. I know it's not the best solution but if it was between trying to work while watching your DD until he wakes up and just waking him up at 7 or whenever I personally would just wake him up everyday

[lizzywednesday]

Tell him you are going back to work full time. Maybe the gas price thing will scare him to get his act in gear. I spend $60 a week or so on gas so I know how hard it is, but make it work. Give him a spreadsheet with the other ways that the $30 or whatever you spend on gas a week to work full time outside could be used if he cooperated and you could still work full time from home.

Maybe he is in denial about the possibility of having to be a SAHD until he gets another job, and I don't want to sound mean, but I think if he's out of the house he can't have his video games and such (as I know you have mentioned this before) and that just isn't jiving with what his ideas of being a SAHD two days a week should be. (sorry if I offended)

Oh, no, you didn't offend me. I've come and b*tched about that enough that it's a valid point.

I've considered this, actually, but it's not just the gas, it's tolls & wear/tear on the car... and wear/tear on me. I drive about 100 miles round-trip to/from the office, plus have to pay around $4 each way in tolls and this changes with the time of day that I hit the toll plazas. $8/day times 5 days/week, plus $40 per fill-up times an average of 3 fill-ups per week - and this is all out of MY account, mind you - and it doesn't really make any impact on anybody but me.

It also increases my stress level exponentially, which isn't good for anybody around me. I don't know if my mental health could survive working there every day!

[lowrioh]

It sounds like you need to sit down with you DH and explain to him that his job is to be a SAHD. I think that it is a difficult thing for guys to wrap their heads around. Once DH realized that it was his job he started getting up with me and getting DD breakfast etc. He also makes it a point to get out of the house EVERY day. Either to the park, a class, a walk around the block, grocery store, Target etc. Getting the groceries and running other errands are also part of his job description.
Could you DH be depressed? Sleeping a lot can be a sign of depression. If he is supposed to be taking care of your DD even sleeping until 9AM is not acceptable IMO.

[MoJo]

I've been thinking about you since you posted yesterday, because I could so easily imagine myself in your shoes.

I'd definitely be having a serious talk with DH, waking him up when it was time for me to work every day, and looking into working elsewhere close to home. And if the above didn't work, I'd consider finding other child care arrangements and having the cost come out of HIS account

As you said, you HAVE to work, DD especially NEEDS the insurance, and you CAN'T successfully work while watching her. You can't. My DH doesn't get that either.

Does he watch her on days you WOH, or do you have another arrangement?

ETA: I was wondering about depression too. Just being out of work is enough to cause it for many guys. The stress of the last year probably didn't help.

And my DH also says he is MUCH happier watching the girls if he can get them out of the house. He'd much rather do his thing than story time at the library though. Since his thing is "shopping," that generally works for now, as long as he focuses on buying things he can sell at a profit.

[Pear]

Both DH and I work from home. DH works full-time during regular hours. I work part-time on a flexible schedule. The key for us is understanding that the person is really at work. We have to be in a separate room. Both our jobs require too much focus to multitask on work and childcare. That isn't to say we never knock on the office door. We have a standing agreement that bad diapers warrant a helper :). Neither of us can work in a coffeeshop, we have to be at home.

If you have space on the 3rd floor then you need to move up there. Get a radio or go buy a cheap small tv and put it up there. Then give your husband a shake awake when you are heading to work at your scheduled time

[lizzywednesday]

...
Could you DH be depressed? Sleeping a lot can be a sign of depression. If he is supposed to be taking care of your DD even sleeping until 9AM is not acceptable IMO.

I've been watching him for signs and have suspected it in the past.

However, he's also prone to insomnia and tummy trouble at night, so the "sleeping in" has been almost a constant.

Honestly, the job loss is actually the BEST thing that could have happened because it allowed us to regain/maintain our dental coverage (we'd already switched to my coverage for medical & I'd always been the one covering vision because I wear glasses/contacts) and have income through unemployment.

But, I do watch for depression as my mom struggles with it and I have a touch of SAD in the wintertime myself ... and have been treated for depression in the past.


I've been thinking about you since you posted yesterday, because I could so easily imagine myself in your shoes.
...

Does he watch her on days you WOH, or do you have another arrangement?

ETA: I was wondering about depression too. Just being out of work is enough to cause it for many guys. The stress of the last year probably didn't help.

And my DH also says he is MUCH happier watching the girls if he can get them out of the house. He'd much rather do his thing than story time at the library though. Since his thing is "shopping," that generally works for now, as long as he focuses on buying things he can sell at a profit.

Yes, DH watches DD on the days I'm in the office. I have to get up an hour earlier to get myself ready because he's still skittish about getting DD ready. He promised he'd learn to get her dressed, but I'm not sure how he expects to learn how to get her dressed if he doesn't give it a go more often. I can't continue to put her in sleep-n-plays because she's cruising, but he has trouble with things that go over her head. (Even Hanna playdresses!!!)

MIL and FIL are in town currently due to some health issues FIL is having, so DH had the "out" last week to drop DD with MIL & FIL so he could get housework done (which was great; now our living room & kitchen look presentable) but it's still a struggle. When the ILs come back full-time, I suppose they may be more available for childcare, but I really don't like the idea of them having to watch DD for us. They raised their kids already; they don't need to raise mine, too! (Not that they don't love her, but it's not fair to expect that they're our childcare solution when they've expressed a desire to enjoy their lives as they were before BIL & SIL moved back to NJ and before we had our DD.)

Based on the fact that I've started a new project, where the project team lead sought me out, and the fact that I know I have trouble balancing DD and my workload, I really need a new arrangement.

[AnnieW625]

I was also thinking about you and your DH and my DCP once told me that often once a baby turns 1 yrs. old, can walk, and sort of talk that many dads finally come out of my shell and realize that the baby is a real human being. She told me this when DD1 was a baby and she was so surprised about how connected my DH was to DD1 and she said that in all of her 10 yrs owning a daycare that it was rare that dads were that connected to their kids before they turned 1. Maybe since your DD is about to turn 1 it will happen soon.

Good luck with your new project, and I hope things work out.

[BabbyO]

FWIW, as the spouse of someone who WAH full time your DH's behavior is NOT Acceptable. During working hours, you are working. PERIOD.

When I was on maternity leave or if I have a day off and DH doesn't, not only am I expected to take care of DS entirely (up at 6 am so I'm showered and ready before DS wakes up) but I am not allowed in the basement where DH works, unless it is to do laundry. Even then, if I'm doing laundry, I have to take care of DS, and close the door to the laundry room to ensure that I don't disturb DH.

We are allowed to interact during lunch (if DH initiates it) only.

It is imperative that your DH gets that...and IMHO, he should be up and taking care of your LO as soon as she wakes. As for bandwidth....work before play. If we had a concern like that, I would not be allowed on the computer until after working hours.

I think you need to set some ground rules and if he doesn't follow them, tell him you are going back to work in the office every day.

Good luck

[Pear]

This is a really wacky idea. You mentioned a long expensive commute. I might look into renting office space near your home. I have seen places that are just a building full of tiny offices with a desk, phone, and Internet connection. If you are facing that drive every day it might be cheaper.

[bigpassport]

Maybe a three-step plan....(1) tell DH that as he is not working, it is his JOB to watch DD while you are working, and if he doesn't watch her while you are there, he certainly will have to if you leave the house every day; (2) if he doesn't start watching DD, then for a week, just go somewhere to work (Starbucks, library, wherever)...it will be uncomfortable for you, but you're to the point where you have to make a point; then (3) if he still hasn't realized how serious you are, you may have to WOH full time.

I WAH 3 days a week (but DS goes to the babysitter those days). If DH comes home and just starts talking to me, I sometime ignore him. I've done it enough that he gets the point that home IS my office and I have to work. Your DH needs to get that point too.

[tarahsolazy]

I know you say he has problems with sleeping, but when he did have his job, did those problems make him sleep in until 11 am every day? If not, what's the difference now? If that wasn't acceptable behavior before his job loss, it shouldn't be now. He's not on vacation.

I think he needs to see a dr. if he can't get up before 11 am every day. That sounds like either severe depression or severe GI problems, or both.

Yikes, I hope you can talk this out and improve the situation.

[lizzywednesday]

I know you say he has problems with sleeping, but when he did have his job, did those problems make him sleep in until 11 am every day? If not, what's the difference now? If that wasn't acceptable behavior before his job loss, it shouldn't be now. He's not on vacation.

I think he needs to see a dr. if he can't get up before 11 am every day. That sounds like either severe depression or severe GI problems, or both.

Yikes, I hope you can talk this out and improve the situation.

I've suggested the GI issues, but he won't go to the doctor.

He's always been a late riser, though he did manage to make it to the office by 9a every day. (On the weekends, however, he'd sleep all day if he could.)

I've suggested things he can do with DD - library & bookstore storytimes (she is surprisingly patient for almost 1), free classes, even the babywearing group, but he resists every one. "The weather is very limiting; I'll do more when it's warmer." (Note, I have suggested a bunch of indoor activities.)

And then he wonders why I'm snappish and stressed...

[egoldber]

Honestly, he sounds severely depressed and/or anxious. He really needs to see someone. But the problem with depression is it can make leaving the house truly seem like an insurmountable task.

But this is impacting your ability to work and your quality of life. You NEED to get him to a doctor. IMO, this is not normal "DH not good with babies" stuff.

[lizzywednesday]

Honestly, he sounds severely depressed and/or anxious. He really needs to see someone. But the problem with depression is it can make leaving the house truly seem like an insurmountable task.

But this is impacting your ability to work and your quality of life. You NEED to get him to a doctor. IMO, this is not normal "DH not good with babies" stuff.

Thanks Beth.

I can see anxiety for sure, but don't feel qualified to diagnose depression.

I guess it bothers me especially because he thinks that plopping her in the PNP or superyard and turning on the TV counts as "watching" her, when it really doesn't.

I'm starting to look into daycares near my office because it's starting to get to be our busy time of year again and I need to be consistent in my performance. He's not a bad guy; he's just an idiot when it comes to this stuff.

[egoldber]

Obviously no one can diagnose over the internet. :) But people often think that depression means you are really sad all the time and it often does not look like that. It can look like being really distracted, hard to get motivated to do anything, sleeping a lot, avoidance behaviors (video games vs. dealing with child care or job hunting), being irritable or short tempered.

Also, depression and anxiety are very often co-morbid. Not being able to get out of bed before 11 am to watch your DD when you NEED him to do that so you can work is IMO a huge red flag for depression.

You have also both had a LOT of stressors over the last year. High risk pregnancy, birth of a child, child with a major medical issue, and a job loss. Any one of these can be a trigger.

I hope that things get better, but anything you can do to encourage him to see at peast a primary care provider would be a good thing. Good luck!