How did you deal with it if you and DH want a different number of kids?

[kellij]

We had number 3 last March. I always thought I wanted 3 kids in general. I had our third and I really feel like we're missing a family member. On the way home from the hospital DH was talking about get a vasectomy and how great it feels to move forward with our lives, not have any more kids, etc. I didn't feel that way at all, but attributed it to the crazy surge of hormones.

I don't want to get pregnant tonight, or anything, but the idea of having no chance of having any more kids makes me really sad. DH has an appointment for a consultation with a dr. Friday. Last night he sarcastically said that he was "glad I was so supportive of his decision" (to have the v/s). I think that's what is also bothering me is that it is "his" decision. He, on the other hand, feels like that we had said we wanted to have 3 kids, so I can't change my mind now.

DH and I have agreed on everything in our relationship so far, so I'm not sure how to handle disagreement on a biggie. How do you deal with it if you'd like to have another child and your DH is DONE?

[ahrimie]

If it were the other way, DH wanted more and you don't, I'd say: "my body, my decision". But I guess your DH is kind of saying the same thing!

I guess either way, it's a decision both of you guys have to come to. And I would let him know that it's not *just* his decision because that's not fair. There are MANY things we agree to in the beginning of our marriages but don't do anymore, you know? I'm pretty sure DH and I agreed not to go to bed angry or argue in front of our kids, etc. Plus, I think you're allowed to change your opinion as the situation arises.

I would have a gentle talk with him and ask him to give you some more time to process all of this. I would also tell him you feel really saddened by this. Definitely have a talk.

[JBaxter]

Ask him to table the discussion for a year. Thats what we did

[sste]

Lest this make my DH sound too noble let me begin by saying the man has MANY faults and selfish characteristics and it is easier for him to be flexible on the kids point because if there is a schedule conflict it is my work that generally goes out the window. And we can afford more kids.

That said, my DH has always said it would really upset him to have me feeling like "someone is missing" and we should just go ahead and have another kid if that is the case. That is def. his view from 2 to 3. Although he is very resistant to 4 I think I could get him to 4 on the same theory *if* I quit my work - - and DH is right that in our particular case we don't have the time/energy for 4 without radical downscaling of paid work. Five might be his breaking point though where he would revise his opinion and tell me that no one is missing!!

[niccig]

Ask him to table the discussion for a year. Thats what we did

And tell him you're responsible for birth control esp. if this is another reason he wants the V, to stop using condoms. But you'll have to be very careful for the year as he probably won't be happy about an oops pregnancy.

This is such a difficult issue as there's no compromising - can't compromise to only half a V or half another child. I hope you too can come to an agreement.

[Octobermommy]

I would ask him to postpone the vasectomy until the baby is at least 2 and not a baby anymore. Then see how you both feel. Is he 100% "NO" or do you think he will come around?

[Melaine]

We are dealing with this and it is really hard. I really don't have any advice because we definitely haven't gotten past this issue as a conflict. It is on my mind constantly and there really isn't a compromise.

ETA: We aren't at the point of V yet, so I would agree with others to ask him to wait. Surgery is something that can be postponed. If he really doesn't want to use condoms, I would start charting to avoid pregnancy so that you don't have to use condoms.

[HIU8]

Nope. No compromising. DH made the decision for us. I won't ever forgive him either. It's a big issue in our relationship.

[kellij]

Ask him to table the discussion for a year. Thats what we did

Did you end up deciding to have another, or deciding that you were done after the year? (If it's not too nosy to ask).

I actually asked him to wait until our DS was at least one (which he will be on St. Patty's Day) because he originally wanted to have one before I even had the baby.

Also, we can definitely afford another child and I am an attorney, but I quit working (and only work a little home) when our first child was born. I know that guys tend to have the gut reaction of stress at affording extra kids. DH wants to pay able to pay for all college/graduate education for all of our kids; but I've pointed out to him that I can always go back to work full-time and that as an attorney, I can put a decent amount toward that fund pretty quickly.

I think we've sort of always thought that it makes sense that you quit when the person who is "done" want to quit. However, now that I'm on the other side, I see it as something I would always regret, not having another child, whereas we would never regret having another child.

Also, I'm on the pill and have been, when not TTC for 17 years. We've only gotten pregnant when I was NOT on the pill. I thought I might be a couple of months ago, I hadn't ever gotten my period (b/f) and I went ahead and took a test and had a faint false positive. I think that really scared him and it made me see how much he really doesn't want any more kids.

Thanks for your responses!

[JBaxter]

yes actually we did. I had 2 sons from my 1st marriage and Dave & I got married at 35 and had Nathan a year later. Dave was happy with our family size. He kind of took on the financial resposibility for my older 2 ( their dad is a loser but thats another post) He was looking at all the things we wanted to do. When Nathan was a year old he said... well lets try one more. We were thinking have 2 close together and be done. Well I did get pregnant again quickly but miscarried that baby so we tried for 3 yrs but had no luck and gave up. We were not using birth control and were actually discussing him getting a vasectomy since we were both 41. Well... then Jack happened very unexpected. He has been a huge blessing. He had is vasectomy just after Jack's 1st bday ( after golf season ;) ).
His urologist would NOT have done his vasectomy without me signing a release form.

Are you children close together?

[AnnieW625]

In your case I think I like the wait a year plan. Once DD2 was born I knew we were done (I didn't want to be pregnant a 4th time, and since we'd already loss one late I didn't want to go through that again, and then have to be pregnant a 5th time), in fact I always thought our family felt great with just DD1, but DH convinced me otherwise so we tried and lost that baby, and then without planning I got pregnant with DD2. We are now officially done and DH got his vasectomy when DD2 was 3 months old and neither of us regret it, but if there was any thoughts of having a 3rd I know I would've told him to wait a year.

I am the one who was more stressed about the financial part than DH was in regards to having a second.

[niccig]

His urologist would NOT have done his vasectomy without me signing a release form.


Now this I don't agree about with. It's not up to you to give your DH permission to do this. I understand that we want to be in agreement, but it is your Dh's body as it is your body to decide upon. We don't let spouses make other medical decisions for us, unless we're incapable of doing so.

My mother said that in the early 70's, women could only get tubal ligation if the husband agreed. My Dad didn't want to sign, thinking might want another child. Because of complication after last birth, Dr. told my father another birth would be too dangerous and could kill my mother. He signed, but if he refused, then it could have put my mother in dangerous medical situation. Why does the spouse get right to decide this when the person is mentally competent to decide?

I dont' agree with Dr. requiring another person's permission at all for a V or a tubal ligation.

I really hope the OP and her DH can come to agreement on this. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Talk with your Dh and ask for the extra year as others suggested. If he's adamant about doing it, I don't know that you can stop him...but do tell him it'll put a strain on your relationship and the two of you need time to discuss it. Would talking with counsellor help at all?

[kellij]

Are you children close together?

Our first two are 16 months apart. They are now 6 and will be 5 in May. The baby will be 1 on St. Patrick's Day. So he's 4 years younger than the oldest. I think that's the other thing, I see how extremely close the oldest 2 are and I'm a little sad for the youngest that he won't have that relationship. They think of him as "the baby" and they think of each other as equals.

I think waiting a year is probably the best thing we can do. I don't think DH will change his mind, but it will give me time to come to terms with the decision and be more okay with it. Plus, if I'm really wanting to have a baby at that point, he might feel differently because everyone else will be older. I think I would also appreciate him putting it off because I would feel more like taking my feelings into account and I don't feel that way now.

[JBaxter]

Our first two are 16 months apart. They are now 6 and will be 5 in May. The baby will be 1 on St. Patrick's Day. So he's 4 years younger than the oldest. I think that's the other thing, I see how extremely close the oldest 2 are and I'm a little sad for the youngest that he won't have that relationship. They think of him as "the baby" and they think of each other as equals.

I think waiting a year is probably the best thing we can do. I don't think DH will change his mind, but it will give me time to come to terms with the decision and be more okay with it. Plus, if I'm really wanting to have a baby at that point, he might feel differently because everyone else will be older. I think I would also appreciate him putting it off because I would feel more like taking my feelings into account and I don't feel that way now.

My brother and I are 18 months apart and we really dont get along well now or ever. My first 2 are 3 yrs a part and they do pretty well. Its more a individual kid think in my opinion mine are 19, 16, 7 & 2 Good luck

[arivecchi]

This is so so hard. My DH wants another one. I am not so sure I want another kid. While I would love a toddler, I am not a big fan of being pregnant or the baby stage. I also do not feel like we are stable enough to make that decision at the moment, so we are waiting for some more time to go by to see how things shake out.

I do think waiting a bit is the best thing to do in these circumstances.

[eh613c]

Maybe your DH thinks you're done too so he's doing his end of the bargain by getting a vasectomy. My suggestion is to talk to him. Ask him if he's really done and tell him how you feel. If it's an issue of affording another child, that's something that you should weigh. The most important thing is to keep the communication lines open. I'm due in May with our 2nd child and I feel like having more but my husband is thinking of stopping. I know he's not going to get a vasectomy right away but it's something that I need to talk to him after we have the baby.

[oneplustwo]

In our case, it was easy. When we started dating, I wanted no more than a couple of kids and DH wanted at least three. By the time we got married, I wanted 3 or 4 and DH wanted no more than 2. The decision was taken out of our hands ~ and resolved in my favor ;) ~ when after DD I became pregnant with twins. Which doesn't really help you.

I vividly recall DH discussing a vasectomy while I was pregnant with the twins. He relished the idea of having it done ASAP. But no way, no how was I ready to move into the stage of life where having kids was no longer an option. Just the thought of it totally freaked me out and made me incredibly, unspeakably sad. I just wasn't there yet. We talked it out. I understood that for DH, he was freaked out by the financial responsibility of raising three kids and was panicked at the idea of an accidental fourth child. I knew I needed time before I could in any way feel ready to give up the option of having more kids. I'll blame it on hormones, but I had lots of morbid thoughts about losing a baby or a child and feeling that I would want another baby then. I was also just not ready to leave behind such a monumentally important and cherished phase of my life ~ growing a baby inside me, birthing and raising another child. In our case, I was able to reassure DH that we would take every precaution possible to avoid getting pregnant, short of surgery for either of us. That was key, being able to address his fears.

Also, in my state, a married man cannot have a vasectomy without written consent from his wife. No surgeon can carry out the procedure unless husband and wife are on the same page, which makes absolute sense to me. And since a vasectomy is an irreversible decision, I can't see any reason to rush into it. There are lots of excellent birth control methods that are not permanent. People grow and change, have life experiences, that all affect what can once seem like an iron-clad decision. All of that formed part of the discussion DH and I had. Ultimately, when the twins were three or four years old, I was okay with letting go of the idea of conceiving another child and ready to move on to another stage of our lives. At that point, DH went ahead with the vasectomy.

I haven't read yet the other replies, but off to do so now . . .

[daphne]

Also, in my state, a married man cannot have a vasectomy without written consent from his wife. No surgeon can carry out the procedure unless husband and wife are on the same page, which makes absolute sense to me.

Is it the same for tubal ligation?

[oneplustwo]

Is it the same for tubal ligation?

I'm not sure, but I don't think so. Since my twins were both breech, I was scheduled for a C-section and my ob-gyn asked me if I wanted my tubes tied at the same time. My answer was NO WAY. The doc never indicated that DH would have to agree to it if I said yes.

I wonder if requiring the wife's consent has anything to do with the large number of men who try to reverse vasectomies. Seems lots of guys rush into it.

[Elilly]

Is it the same for tubal ligation?

Interesting that a woman can seek an abortion without spousal approval but a man needs his wife's consent to get a vasectomy. I think that there's quite a contradiction there. Just saying.

[niccig]

I

Also, in my state, a married man cannot have a vasectomy without written consent from his wife. No surgeon can carry out the procedure unless husband and wife are on the same page, which makes absolute sense to me.

What law? I'm a law librarian, and I'm looking but I'm not finding anything so far that is a legal requirement for the wife to give consent. In fact, if a DH goes to have a vasectomy and doesn't tell his wife, then the Dr.s office can not contact the wife or they violate HIPPA.

I can see a surgeon wanting to know their on the same page so no chance of reversal later on, but that is very different from a law saying there must be consent or they will not perform the surgery.

And it does not make any sense to me. As long as mentally competent, the only person that can give consent to a medical procedure is the patient. I can go and have whatever surgery I want, and DH can disapprove, but he can not stop me. He only has medical authority if I can not give it. Making an exception for a vasectomy has no legal ground that I can find.

ETA. the only regulation I could find is this http://law.justia.com/cfr/title42/42-3.0.1.1.10.6.109.8.html it talks about informed consent required for sterilization that will be reimbursed under Medicaid. I found the same wording in state health departments for medicaid coverage of sterilization. It says nothing about spousal consent.

The only reference I can find to spousal consent is on a web page of Cornell department of Urology where it says "Although not required, involvement of the spouse or partner in the decision-making and in witnessing the consent is highly recommended." http://www.cornellurology.com/infertility/no_scalpel.shtml

Still looking and several states have wording such as this to sterilization, more to prevent abuse of the procedure on persons with mental handicaps. Nothing about a spouse agreeing to the procedure.

"No person shall undergo sterilization unless such person has attained the age of eighteen years and has given informed consent, in writing, to such sterilization. Whenever any physician has reason to believe a person eighteen years or over is unable to give informed consent, or when a person is in a state institution, no such sterilization shall be performed until it is determined by a probate court that the person involved is able to and has given informed consent. Whenever the court determines, under the provisions of sections 45a-690 to 45a-700, inclusive, that a person has not given informed consent, or whenever a person is under a guardianship or conservatorship, the court shall permit sterilization only upon showing that such operation or procedure is in the best interest of the person?

[spanannie]

We're done at 3. DH was perfectly content with 2. Someone was still missing for me at that point. He said he didn't want me to have any regrets, so he agreed to 3. I think he'd put up a fight for 4. I'm quite a bit younger than he is, so I understand why he wants to move out of this stage of parenthood. I also know we've got our 3 kids in private school and it's quite pricey. Life is good and I got my 3 kids, so I'm not going to push my luck.

DH would get a V. For whatever reason, I'm not comfortable with the permanence of that, even though it's very likely we won't have any more children. So, I have a 10 year IUD. We're both good with that. I'll reassess when that is up in another 7.5 years.

Good luck! Your baby is still young, so I think it's early to decide. I'd just have him table the V for awhile.

[kijip]

I always default to the lower number winning out. No child should be born to a parent that does not want it.

People can change their minds, but I feel they should be changing it preconception and without undue pressure.

I would agree- get an IUD or take care of the BCP responsibly and ask him to revisit in 1-2 years. I asked J to wait a little bit so we could both be sure and he was happy to accommodate. Now, we are both surer than sin that we want no more babies.

[MoJo]

I always wanted 2-4; DH wanted 1 or 2. I'm enjoying my two more than I thought I would, and in a different life (where we started our family earlier and DH started his career earlier and was more established now) I'd really regret not having more. But he has been regretting Ha since she was conceived (even though it was HIS idea to try for her at that particular time)

In our case, he has convinced me that for us now in our real life, more kids beyond Ha would be a poor choice. I can give you 20 reasons why we shouldn't, and the only one why we should is that I want to. Time is not on our side. Money is not on our side. Family dynamics are not on our side. The only way there will be a #3 would be a near-miraculous accident.

We are seriously discussing the V. DH goes back and forth on whether he wants to do that. I will consent if he chooses that route, even though I'd be a little sad. In our case, I think it would ultimately help our marriage and family for him to not have the stress of the possibility of a number 3.

[oneplustwo]

What law? I'm a law librarian, and I'm looking but I'm not finding anything so far that is a legal requirement for the wife to give consent. In fact, if a DH goes to have a vasectomy and doesn't tell his wife, then the Dr.s office can not contact the wife or they violate HIPPA.

I can see a surgeon wanting to know their on the same page so no chance of reversal later on, but that is very different from a law saying there must be consent or they will not perform the surgery.

And it does not make any sense to me. As long as mentally competent, the only person that can give consent to a medical procedure is the patient. I can go and have whatever surgery I want, and DH can disapprove, but he can not stop me. He only has medical authority if I can not give it. Making an exception for a vasectomy has no legal ground that I can find.

ETA. the only regulation I could find is this http://law.justia.com/cfr/title42/42-3.0.1.1.10.6.109.8.html it talks about informed consent required for sterilization that will be reimbursed under Medicaid. I found the same wording in state health departments for medicaid coverage of sterilization. It says nothing about spousal consent.

The only reference I can find to spousal consent is on a web page of Cornell department of Urology where it says "Although not required, involvement of the spouse or partner in the decision-making and in witnessing the consent is highly recommended." http://www.cornellurology.com/infertility/no_scalpel.shtml

Still looking and several states have wording such as this to sterilization, more to prevent abuse of the procedure on persons with mental handicaps. Nothing about a spouse agreeing to the procedure.

"No person shall undergo sterilization unless such person has attained the age of eighteen years and has given informed consent, in writing, to such sterilization. Whenever any physician has reason to believe a person eighteen years or over is unable to give informed consent, or when a person is in a state institution, no such sterilization shall be performed until it is determined by a probate court that the person involved is able to and has given informed consent. Whenever the court determines, under the provisions of sections 45a-690 to 45a-700, inclusive, that a person has not given informed consent, or whenever a person is under a guardianship or conservatorship, the court shall permit sterilization only upon showing that such operation or procedure is in the best interest of the person?

My bad ~ probably the fuzzy memory of a pregnant woman/woman with infant twins. I'll have to check with DH, as I thought it was an across-the-board requirement in our state, but it sounds more likely that it's just how many urologists in our state or area handle requests for vasectomies.

[carolinamama]

Ask him to table the discussion for a year. Thats what we did

:yeahthat:

And if he is really nervous about your getting pregnant at this point, I would be willing to get an iud to help his anxiety about it. We were at this point between 2 and 3. DH would have gotten the big v after DS2 but I felt that something was missing in our family. We shelved the discussion for atleast a year and I offered to get an iud in the interim. I didn't get it but I would have if it would have made DH alot more comfortable.

As an aside - one of the first things that DH said after we found out that this baby is a girl is "now I can get a vasectomy". Nice, huh? I have asked him to wait until we made sure that baby is healthy and atleast a year after she is born as I *think* 3 is it for us, but making it final makes me nervous.