Family members who can't handle DCs personality? (long)

[s7714]

Maybe this should go in the bitching forum, but I guess I'm also looking for others who are dealing with or have dealt with family members who just don't seem to be able to mesh with a DCs personality.

I'll admit my 5 year old DD is a strong-willed, opinionated little girl. But in school her teachers and other parents always comment about how well behaved she is. When given an assignment she'll sit down and do it without complaint or question regardless of how her classmates are behaving. They always admire that she's the first one to finish her assignments while her classmates are still chattering or goofing around. Socially she's always gotten along with everyone in school or playing. At home however, she tends to lean towards the title of little hellion at times. True to Gemini form she can be snuggly and loving one second and then emotionally explode the next. It almost seems like she's holding herself together until she gets picked up from school or is at home and she just lets loose.

I've read books on dealing with spirited kids, etc. and have been dealing with her behavior fairly well. We have our good days and bad days, and pick our battles. I know her trigger issues and have been trying to help her understand them as well (mainly hunger and being tired). She has been maturing and getting better about some things with age, but she of course is at that 5-going-on-6-taking-on-the-world development stage. A stage even my mild mannered older DD went through with some difficulty.

The problem is my DH and MIL (who's staying with us while I'm on bed rest) seem to not be able to handle her personality. DH seems to feel like her will needs to be broken and bent to follow his idea of how she should behave (subservient I guess for the lack of a better term). My MIL thinks that pulling her aside for 15-20 minute lectures on a daily basis is necessary (because she thinks *my* life will be improved if she can make my DD magically behave perfectly before the baby is born). Both seem to be of the belief that I'm letting her walk all over me, because I don't fight her on every. single. little. detail. all day long. (Which I don't agree with of course. ;) I'm generally the first to step in and say something when my DDs behavior is not acceptable, it's just that I expect a different result than they do I guess. They expect immediate response and perfect behavior, while I feel giving a person a few minutes to try to compose ones self is perfectly fine.) And of course by them trying to fight her on everything, all of them just end in bad moods. And I admit, I have days when I'm about at my wits end with her too, but I try not to let her get the best of me. Lately I've come to the conclusion that my DH and MIL are having personality conflicts with my DD because, like her, they are strong-willed and opinionated (go figure).

Does anyone else have family members who just do not seem able to cope with the personalities of one of your DCs? Do you step in to try to help situations if one or both parties seem to be clashing, or do you let them deal with things in their own way for the most part? I feel like my DH and MIL are expecting my DD to be a perfect little angel 24/7 and it's making ME mad that they feel that way. (I should mention that my 8 year old is very mild mannered and well behaved, so I think they expect my 5 year old to behave much in the same fashion even though DH/MIL are the first to tell you how different DH and my BIL were growing up.)

Thanks for making it through my long winded spiel...

[elephantmeg]

ohy. sounds like fun and games around your house! Hope you get off of bed rest soon! One thing that helped DH and I get on the same page was watching 1-2-3 magic (our chosen discipline method) movie together. And it has a nice section on not going on and on with kids, keep directions short and to the point. When one of us goes back to lecturing the kids or we catch the grandparents doing it we'll say something about it and start over. It sounds like a family meeting is in order with some ground rules. After all it is your house and your kids and you'll need to be able to have the kids the way you had them after you get off of bedrest! Would it work to come up with a list of things that are and aren't punishable and a list of reactions to certain things. For example I was just going over house rules with a new date night babysitter and it went something like this:
-hitting-straight to time out-no warning-then appology to sibling or dog afterwards
-not comming when called-we count, you need to be well on the way by 3 or time out
-take away a toy sibling was playing with-offender needs to give it back but no time out unless defiant about it
-whining-ask to rephrase it, we do not give things that are whined about until they are asked for in a normal voice with please/thank you (no whining please and thank you!). If they are whining about everything they are invited to go to their room...
-DD is welcome to cry on the floor if she is sad about not getting her way, I am welcome to step over her and go about my buisness :)

[Gracemom]

I have a difficult 4 year old son and just came home from a family trip so this is on my mind as well. I got all kinds of comments about how he manipulates me, I'm not consistent or firm enough, etc. These comments are very difficult to take, because I know his behavior is an issue with me, but not as much with other people. I am with him 24/7 unless he's at preschool 3 mornings/week, where he has caused no problems. He does test me a lot, but we are making progress. He also tests my sister, who he is comfortable with. Some kids are harder to parent. My older DD was not like this. It took me a long time to understand that my DS is not like my DD, and I cannot expect him to act just like her.

It is really hard to be consistent 100% of the time, because you would be disciplining them all day. I don't know how you can do that on bedrest!

I actually had a family member say that they wanted to take him for a week and "straighten him out," like there is a magic formula or something. So infuriating! And this is coming from the mom of a teenager who still acts out at times.

Seriously, I feel your pain! You know you are doing your best as a mom, especially in a difficult circumstance. I hope your family can see what a good mom you are and look at the bigger picture. It's not like you've ignored your dd's problem behaviors. They are not her mom. You are and you're doing great!

[carolinamama]

I have to say that it sounds like these traits may be advantageous to your daughter when she is an adult. Isn't it interesting how we consider strong-willed kids who know what they want a negative attribute but having a strong will as an adult is a positive one?

My DH has trouble handling my DS1 when he isn't being compliant and jumping at DH's first instruction. So I feel your pain because I often want to jump in and "fix" it since I feel like I know how to handle DS1's behavior more positively but I can't since it would undermine DH's parenting and give the impression that we don't work together. I wish I had some advice, but I do understand what you are saying. I wonder in regards to your mil if she has really forgotten what is normal behavior at this age? I find that parents forget the past stages and many of the frustrations of them.

[vonfirmath]

Honestly--you and DH need to get on the same page re how to handle your child's personality. Then you can handle the outsiders together.

[s7714]

ohy. sounds like fun and games around your house! Hope you get off of bed rest soon! One thing that helped DH and I get on the same page was watching 1-2-3 magic (our chosen discipline method) movie together. And it has a nice section on not going on and on with kids, keep directions short and to the point. When one of us goes back to lecturing the kids or we catch the grandparents doing it we'll say something about it and start over. It sounds like a family meeting is in order with some ground rules. After all it is your house and your kids and you'll need to be able to have the kids the way you had them after you get off of bedrest! Would it work to come up with a list of things that are and aren't punishable and a list of reactions to certain things. For example I was just going over house rules with a new date night babysitter and it went something like this:
-hitting-straight to time out-no warning-then appology to sibling or dog afterwards
-not comming when called-we count, you need to be well on the way by 3 or time out
-take away a toy sibling was playing with-offender needs to give it back but no time out unless defiant about it
-whining-ask to rephrase it, we do not give things that are whined about until they are asked for in a normal voice with please/thank you (no whining please and thank you!). If they are whining about everything they are invited to go to their room...
-DD is welcome to cry on the floor if she is sad about not getting her way, I am welcome to step over her and go about my buisness :)

I actually do use some of the 1-2-3 techniques. DH never has been 100% on the same page because he thinks if he says jump, our DDs should be saying how high on 1 instead of giving them time to respond. (His version of a 1-2-3 count takes less than 3 seconds. :duh: ) Don't get me wrong, he is a great dad and most often defuses situations with humor--something my 5 year old responds fabulously too, but when DH is in a bad mood himself he has a hard time coping with misbehavior.

The list of rules with consequences is a good idea. That is one step I've never sat down and completed. Guess I might as well do it since I've got the time right now!

[s7714]

I actually had a family member say that they wanted to take him for a week and "straighten him out," like there is a magic formula or something. So infuriating! And this is coming from the mom of a teenager who still acts out at times.

Yep, that's about the way I feel with my MIL too. I so badly want to say she doesn't have much business pushing her parenting methods on my kids considering how my BIL turned out, but she's one of those who is blinded by love, iykwim. Not to mention her other DS (my DH) still has silly temper tantrums of his own at times. I did however tell her I find it hypocritical to expect a 5 year old to behave perfectly when her dad still has his own moments on occasion! I'm in the teach by example camp while they're on the "do as I say, not as I do" side.

[daisymommy]

Oh geez. I feel your pain because I have been there. I have family members like this. And we have honestly avoided visits lasting more than a day or two because after that I am emotionally exhausted. So hugs go out to you for having to deal with that dynamic on top of bed rest!

One thing that has helped in the past with *some* people (but not all)--is generally older generations very much hang on the every word of doctors and experts and what they say. So we would say "our doctor says that we should handle it like X, or do Y." "Our child's doctor has explained that a child's brain takes longer to process than an adults, and that we should give her a moment to understand what we have said before expecting her to jump on it", etc. Or give them a book written by a child development expert who is a doctor. Seems the tend to listen alot better when it's coming from that angle rather than our wishes as a parent (sad but true).

I brought my mother in to my first son's pediatrician appointment one time, and point blank asked some questions just so she could hear the answer on them. That was helpful ;)

[ha98ed14]

The list of rules with consequences is a good idea. That is one step I've never sat down and completed. Guess I might as well do it since I've got the time right now!

I would totally do this! It will make it so much easier for MIL and DH to be consistent with their interactions with DD2, and when you are up on your feet again, you can employ it. Undoubtedly there will be some adjustment, and given her personality, she may act up more because of DS's arrival, so having that structure already in place will make it easier in the new-baby-fog that settles into your brain for the first few months. I am trying to do this with my 3 y.o. just because of her "I say black, she says white" contradictions on every. single. task.

[hillview]

Sigh. I can relate. I really like the idea of the list of consequences maybe DD could even help with it. Would it help DH and MIL to read some bullets in the Ames book "your 5 year old" I think maybe some discussion with the adults about age appropriate expectations and also that she is no doubt under some stress with you on bed rest. I often find with my parents (and DH) a chat about the situation to both clear the air and get on the same page with a plan is helpful.

Good luck!
/hillary