How to Fire a Nanny?

[babygirl1029]

We have decided to let go of our part-time nanny. She has worked with our daughter for a year - from the time she was 3-months old until now (16-months old). We feel she was better suited for the infant stage which didn't require as much energy and active play time. We have had several ongoing issues with her for about 3 months that we have talked to her about and also made written requests yet she still does not seem responsive to our directions.

Some quick background: She had been using the television for entertainment despite us telling her we do not want DD watching television. I suspect she continues to watch television but now turns it off before 4:30 which is when I get home. Part of her responsiblities are to complete household chores while DD naps. The chores take a max of 45 minutes and DD naps for 2-3 hours. Despite numerous requests on our part to do these things while DD naps she has continued to do them while DD is awake and instead uses DD's nap time as her own nap time. Other things have happened like not giving DD her bottle just because DD didn't drink her other bottle 3 hours earlier. Strange reasoning IMO. There are additional issues but I won't bore you!

We are going to give her one week's severance pay. I want things to end on a positive note though. DH wants to tell her we can't afford to keep her any longer. We have found a new nanny who is less expensive but I suspect the current nanny will offer to reduce her rate. So then we can't use the financial issue as our reason. DH feels strongly about not getting into all of our issues with her because then she will become defensive etc. I just have a hard time not being honest but also feel that I don't want to end this relationship on negative terms. She was very good with DD and we genuinely like her as a person. She just isn't a good fit now that DD is a toddler and very active. I am very confident with the new nanny as she comes with great references from families with toddlers and young children. She already does housework while the kids nap so she is familiar with this set up and even asked about vaccuuming which is something we have rarely asked of the current nanny.

Sorry for the long explanation. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach letting the nanny go? This whole ordeal is making me so anxious. I just don't like confrontation and I hate the idea that we are going to hurt this woman's feelings. She really is a nice lady.

Thank you for any input!!

[BabyBearsMom]

I think I would just say that "we really appreciate your help over the last year, but we won't be needing your services anymore going forward. We would like to offer you a week of paid severances and thank you again." And leave it at that. If she asks you why, I would try to keep it vague (since you have already discussed it with her in the past) and say that you just don't think it is the right fit anymore.

I have had to fire people at work before, and I find that being professional, and to the point with the actual firing is very important. If you act like you aren't 100% convinced of it, people will jump on you. If you give reasons, even if they are documented, they get defensive and say you didn't give them a chance to improve etc. etc. etc.

[ha98ed14]

Can you just be very vague, not lie, but just not give that much detail? Something like, "We feel DD has outgrown the stage where she is happy being home all day, so we have decided to change child care arrangements." I mean, presumably, the new nanny will go on walks, go to the tot lot, get out in the back yard, something to give DD external stimulation, which is obviously not happening with the current nanny. I think you can say that you are changing your child care arrangements; you appreciate how wonderful Nanny has been with DD, loving her through her infancy; you will be happy to be a reference for her; but DD's needs have changed, she's no longer and infant, so you're charging her care arrangements. The End.

Really, you do not owe any explanation. I would leave the money issue out of it. It's just too easy to get yourself caught up in stories, spinning one story to cover the other in the moment, and hard to keep your stories straight.

[gatorsmom]

I think I would just say that "we really appreciate your help over the last year, but we won't be needing your services anymore going forward. We would like to offer you a week of paid severances and thank you again." And leave it at that. If she asks you why, I would try to keep it vague (since you have already discussed it with her in the past) and say that you just don't think it is the right fit anymore.

c.
:yeahthat: That is exactly what I would have said. I just wanted to add that for safety's sake, you should wait to fire her until she is getting ready to leave the last day you want her to work for you. I certainly wouldn't let her know in advance when her last day will be. You just never know how people are going to behave when they are angry or upset.

[babygirl1029]

Thank you for the feedback!! I think you both made a good point with remaining vague! I agree 100% that if we get into too many details then the conversation could quickly become emotional and out of control. I really appreciate hearing your suggestions. It helps to bounce this off of someone else...especially since I have never fired someone or let them go.

[ha98ed14]

I find that being professional, and to the point with the actual firing is very important. If you act like you aren't 100% convinced of it, people will jump on you. If you give reasons, even if they are documented, they get defensive and say you didn't give them a chance to improve etc. etc. etc.

ITA! Be confident when you say it! But I would leave the "We won't be needing your services anymore" line out of it. It sounds very cold to me and this is comeone who cared for your child. I would use, "We appreciate your help and the love you have shown DD, but her needs have changed, so we are changing her care arrangements." lather, rinse, repeat, the same firm, but loving line over and over. If she decides to argue (she may not. She may just accept it the first time.) but if she decides to ask "Why?" or "But, but, but...", she will stop if she keeps hearing the same thing over and over.

[wellyes]

Be honest but kind.

I'd also add something like "you are so wonderful at taking care of babies, I'd be happy to be a reference for you". I think that would be important to her. If used as a reference, again, be honest but kind. You can tell other families the positive things about her with gushing or misrepresenting your feelings. I'm sure you do have some nice things to say, she's been a part of your DC's life for so long.

[TwinFoxes]

However you do it (and I think BabyBearsMom's technique is spot on) I would be handing her the severance check/final paycheck as I said it. Nothing salves a wound like a nice fat check. Plus there's no lingering loose ends. Thanks, here's your check, goodbye.

[hillview]

Letting people go is hard. I often script it out and have the bullets in front of me. Keep is short and simple as possible. It sometimes helps to have someone with you (DH) agree to a script and talking points. If questions are asked go back to the bullets. Be firm but kind. If you would do a nice reference offer to do that. Let her know it is a final decision and give her specific actions (eg I will need the keys and we will give you the final week in cash today).

Good luck! Sounds like you are making a great decision for your family.
/hillary

[goldenpig]

If she's nice and you don't want to burn bridges, tell her that your needs have changed, but that you'd love to have her continue to babysit once in a while. I had to switch nannies when I needed a full time nanny and our part time nanny couldn't increase her hours. It was hard to let her go but I tried to do it on good terms. I found her a new job by posting an ad on Craigslist and our local mom's group classifieds and gave good references. We still have had her babysit once in a while and fill in when our current nanny has been sick or on vacation. I'm glad I didn't cut ties completely, as it has helped DD with the transition.

[JustMe]

I think you have gotten some great advice, so I am not going to add much. I only want to say that I am the kind of person who believes honesty if the best policy. Childcare is one of the few exceptions for me, though. When it comes down to such sensitive issues, I go for the vagueness/white lies and agree its not in anyone's best interest to go over what the issues are, etc.

[sste]

The only thing I would add if it has not already been mentioned is to get your keys back that day! Even if she means no ill will someone who is being let go is not nec. highly motivated to return keys to you and it is a security issue to have your keys floating around.

[babygirl1029]

First, thank you everyone for your invaluable advice! I used everyone's suggestions!! I thought you all might enjoy this little added bit of "drama."

My DH called me yesterday afternoon to let me know he randomly stopped home and found the nanny asleep in our guest bed! She knows I tend to sleep in there because DD's crib is in our master suite sitting room and she makes alot of noises in her sleep. On top of that she told DH as he was walking out the door she was going to wake DD from her nap. DH said do not wake her since she was up for 3 hours last night (yep not a good sleeper). When we got home last night the nanny told us that she woke DD (five minutes after DH walked out the door)!!

Surprisingly, the nanny was shocked when I told her we had decided to change DD's childcare arrangements now that she is a toddler and needs more socialization. She cried and said she thought she would help us care for our next baby (I am not pregnant!)...in other words she thought she had long-term job security.

So she left behind her mini-harp that she played for DD. She wants to pick it up. I am considering telling her I can meet her at the local Walmart or something rather than having her come to the house. I am concerned this is an opportunity for her to ask questions. Any suggestions?

Thanks again for all of your advice!!!

[MWmom]

I wouldn't meet her at my home either. Since she was upset when you let her go allowing her to come over is inviting more drama IMO. You have the right idea to meet her elsewhere.
ETA: I didn't realize the logistics of a large/heavy harp & possible damage. ha98ed14 & gatorsmom have good advice.

[JElaineB]

Sounds like you did a good job with firing her. I would wrap the harp in a huge amount of bubble wrap, and mail to her insured, with signature confirmation.

[ha98ed14]

I can understand why she cried. I'd cry too if someone was paying me to sleep and then suddenly stopped. That must have been a nice gig for her! At least you know your intuition was spot on.

As for the harp. I would have her collect it ASAP. Harps are heavy (altho I'm not sure how big a mini is) and expensive. I would hate for her to have too much time on her hands to stew about this. She *could* decide you damaged her harp and try to sue you. It's a longshot, but tenants have done the same to LL who evicted them.

[gatorsmom]

As for the harp. I would have her collect it ASAP. Harps are heavy (altho I'm not sure how big a mini is) and expensive. I would hate for her to have too much time on her hands to stew about this. She *could* decide you damaged her harp and try to sue you. It's a longshot, but tenants have done the same to LL who evicted them.

:yeahthat: And have it sitting just inside the front door so you can just hand it out when she stops by to pick it up. I wouldn't let her in. You could always say, you were on the phone and couldnt talk but wished her well.

[babygirl1029]

Oh my I hadn't thought about her suing us. Thanks for the input everyone!!