Terrible news, really need advice

[lovin2shop]

Warning, loss mentioned.







The news is fresh, and I'm typing on my phone, so this will probably be brief. I learned tonight that my sister died tonight by committing suicide. She suffered from severe schizophrenia, so while I would like to say that it is terribly shocking, I can only say that it is terrible.

The advice that I need is abiut how much to tell my 8 year old. My first thought was to just say that she was sick, which he already understood about her, and that she died from her disease. I'm scared though that he will ask alot of questions as he is definitely mature and wise beyond his age. I typically answer his questions on big issues honestly and openly, so this would be a first for me if I didn't. But, I do want to shelter him from this harsh reality and prevent any anxiety for him. I don't know yet if there will be a funeral that he would attend, or just a graveside service that i would not have him be there for as I'm not sure how things usually work in these circumstances. Any words of advice would be much appreciated. Also, if you could spare any P&PT's for my parents, especially my Mother who found her, I would greatly appreciate it.

[elephantmeg]

I am so sorry, sending lots of P+PT to you all. I think your approach sounds good-you sister was very sick and she is now gone. One thing you will need to think about is when you will tell him the rest of the story and how. Lots and lots of hugs and prayers for peace for you all.

[blue]

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost a family member to suicide. I went to a group called SOS Survivors of Suicide shortly after the death. This is their website. http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/index.html
It was several years ago that I attended the group, so I am not sure what information they have on their site, hopefully something that will help you in talking to your daughter.
I didn't have DS at the time, so don't have any BTDT advice on talking to your children.

Hugs :hug:, if you every need to talk feel free to PM me
ETA: P & PT for your parents, you, and family.

[lalasmama]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug: Expected or unexpected, unlikely or likely, I don't think it makes it any easier or more difficult to deal with. Each has it's own tough road.

As fas as telling your DS, I don't think it's an any way lying to tell him that Auntie was sick, and that she died because of her sickness. When he is older, you will be able to tell him more about it as he asks, explaining that her emotional issues played a part in her dying, etc. I imagine at some point he will hear the word suicide, ask about it, and potentially ask/correlate it to how Auntie died. But for now, I think just telling him that her sickness was more than she could handle, and she died, will be enough. Let his questions lead you from there.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[California]

I am so sorry for your loss.

One of my friends was just in your shoes and I did a little research for her. What you are already planning is exactly what is recommended - your sister had a disease (which she did- mental illness is a disease and it messes up the chemistry of the brain and that is a very real physical illness) and that your sister was very sick and she died.

I can't remember the name of the website I found online for a national support network but I'm sure if you google it you'll find it. Your son is older than my friend's child (a four year old). So a lot of what I read gave very simplified answers geared more towards a younger kid.

Again, my heart goes out to you and your family.

[kedss]

hugs to you and your family, like the PPs have said, it sounds like you are telling him enough, and if he has questions, I'm sure you will be able to help him through it. I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

[citymama]

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish your family much strength during this difficult time.

[cuca_]

I am very sorry for your loss. Sending P&PT's for your whole family.

[gatorsmom]

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no specific advice on how to present this but I think checking out the websites for advice on how to present this would be a good idea. Suicide can have some very grim lasting effect on families.

I hope you can find some peace soon. :hug:

[TwinFoxes]

I have no advice, but I am sending p&pt.

[liz]

I am so sorry. P&PT for you and your family. :hug:

[vejemom]

I'm so sorry. I think what you have planned to tell DC is a good way to handle it.

[JTsMom]

I am so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

[MoJo]

Praying for your whole family.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I am so, so sorry.

I have an 8yo too and the subject of suicide almost came up the other day (I can't rmember if it was on tv/ movie or dh and I were talking). I thought about how that was a topic I wouldn't know how to address. I am so sorry that you have to find the words to tell him. I wish the very best for your family.

Beth

[Twoboos]

P&PT to you and your family.

I would agree with everyone else, start out with she was sick and she died. And then see where he leads you. Also it is perfectly OK to answer some of his questions with, "I don't know" because this is a difficult subject and you won't have all the answers.

Good luck. :hug:

[Melbel]

I am so sorry for your loss. We have had to explain the death of a mom who died of a heroine overdose to DS and DD1 (sadly leaving 3 young children behind). We provided a truthful, but simplified response similar to what you suggested above - that she was sick and died due to her illness. In response to a follow up question, we stated that her heart stopped working (true) which satisfied them. I recently had some more frank discussions with DS at age 11 as part of our talks about drugs and making good choices. With my brother's death (murdered shortly after his 18th birthday) they have questioned more, so I have had to respond that it is complicated and that I will explain more when they are older.

[jenfromnj]

I'm very sorry for your loss. P&PT to you and your family.

[Melaine]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Prayers for your family during this difficult time.

[DietCokeLover]

I am so sorry for your family's loss. I think what you are planning to talk about with your son sounds appropriate.

[golightly1118]

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with PP's-describing your sister's death as a result from her illness is probably the best approach.

[sewarsh]

I have no advice, but am very very very sorry for your loss.

[wendibird22]

:hug:
P&PT to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.

[trcy]

I am so sorry for your loss.:hug:

[WolfpackMom]

Im sorry for your loss :hug: I think just telling DS that his aunt died from her illness is a fine way to handle this. When he gets older you will be able to talk about exactly what happened. If he asks questions, just be as honest as your are personally comfortable with and vague for anything else. Sending you lots of P&PTs.

[oneontheway]

So sorry to hear about your sister. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers.

[plusbellelavie]

So sorry for your family's loss! Lots of P&PT coming your way...be strong!

[crl]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Catherine

[wencit]

I don't have any wise words of wisdom, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug:

[Kymberley]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[ThreeofUs]

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending P&PT to you.

[brittone2]

Holding you in my thoughts today. I'm so, so sorry.
:grouphug:

[Moneypenny]

I am very sorry for your loss. I think your idea on how to talk about it with your son is perfectly appropriate. (((hugs)))

[almostmom]

So sorry for your loss. This will be a sad time, but I hope you find moments to remember the good your sister brought to your life, and the lives of your family. But I understand this might be hard.

You've gotten good suggestions, and had good ideas yourself, on how to address this with your 8yo. I would just remind you that children are so resilient, and though we fear that such deep and sad issues will affect them forever, they can often handle, and get past them easier than adults.

I think you have your path for now, to share that she was sick and died from her illness. When things calm down you can look into how and when to share that her death was a suicide (a side effect of her illness really), so that she doesn't learn about that much later in life and wonder why she never knew. But there is time to figure that conversation out.

THinking of you in this difficult time.

[twowhat?]

I am so, so sorry...especially having gone through this myself last week with my brother. Why does it feel like we've has so many losses on the boards recently??

One of my friend's bosses teaches a course about this and recommended this reading, which I found very helpful (esp the section where it is broken down by developmental age groups). In the article, it also mentions some books you could get for further reading:

http://www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/childeath.pdf

Big hugs to you and your family. For me it was especially hard on my parents. Hang in there.

eta: in the article they explain how to use the term "sick" (which is fine to use as long as you are sure to explain that everyone gets sick every so often and usually you are fine after getting sick.) And I agree about leaving out "suicide" until your child asks.

[sste]

Also, very, very sorry. We have had this happen to some close friends with a sibling. It is devastating. I agree with previous advice about explaining that his aunt was very sick and died. If your DC asks specific questions, say it was a brain disease.

[spunkybaby]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. :hug5: I'll be praying for comfort and peace for you and your family, especially your mom. :grouphug:

[arivecchi]

I am so sorry. :hug:

[bostonsmama]

Big hugs and prayers for your family.

My grandmother suffered from severe depression her whole married life, and while she didn't take her life, it was the big family secret. She died when I was maybe 7, and that's when a lot of her story came out. I REALLY appreciated that they shared things with me as a child. I don't think your 8yo will need the details about how and why, but I think it's an appropriate time to mention the mental illness and open the floor to discussion. It was nice to know that you can't "catch" mental illness, and that it's not why people die.

FWIW, I found my grandmother's memoirs years later and devoured them. It was such a neat glance into her mind and all she struggled with. I wound up naming my DD after her. Bottom line is that I'm glad my parents shared the details of her struggles with me as I grew up. It seemed like they intuitively knew when to share things.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[kdeunc]

I am so sorry for your loss. I think that your explaination will be fine for your 8 year old. It is exactly what I would tell my 8 year old. Your family will be in my thoughts.

[mackmama]

I am so, so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

Oh gosh, so sorry for your loss. No words of wisdom, just my sympathy.

[MamaMolly]

I'm so sorry, mama. Big hugs.

[Momof3Labs]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Amy. No advice, just hugs.

[liamsmom]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think a lot of the advice already given here is very good.

[g-mama]

:hug: I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I think telling your ds that she was sick and died from her illness sounds just right. I would not burden his innocent and carefree mind with that kind of information. I can't imagine that being the "right" thing to do.

Again, so sad for you. I will definitely keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[mmommy]

:grouphug: I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I think it is important to be honest with kids in these situations, but also to follow their lead. So, the statement that she died due to her illness is great, and if he has questions I think you should try to answer them honestly (but that does not mean with all sorts of details) As he gets older hopefully your honestly will cause him to feel comfortable to continue to ask questions, and you can continue to answer with honest but age appropriate responses.
:grouphug::grouphug:

[Kitten007]

Sending lots of hugs and prayers to your family. I'm so very sorry.

[hillview]

:hug: I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I think telling your ds that she was sick and died from her illness sounds just right. I would not burden his innocent and carefree mind with that kind of information. I can't imagine that being the "right" thing to do.

Again, so sad for you. I will definitely keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

:yeahthat:

My uncle killed himself when I was in second grade. I was told it was a car accident -- which was true.

It wasn't til very recently that I learned he was gay and killed himself by driving into a tree.

/hillary

[smiles33]

I am sorry for your loss. I think PP have posted excellent advice and concur re: telling your DS she was sick and died because of it.

PP&T for you and your family. Your poor mom, too. I hope she isn't haunted by the last memory of finding her daughter.

[boogiemomz]

So very sorry, Amy. How absolutely devastating. You and your family are in my prayers.

[mctlaw]

Just a :hug:.

[DrSally]

So sorry for your loss. I think your plan sounds good.