DD says the babysitter hit her

[elektra]

So every morning, DD asks me who is coming today and I tell her it's either our nanny, our Friday babysitter, my dad, or just DH and myself. And if it's either the nanny or the Friday babysitter, she protests, saying she doesn't like them, cries, etc.
When they get here it's usually fine. There are challenging points throughout the day but there are good times too (I work from home, am usually here all day and I can hear them.)

So anyway, after the protests and saying she doesn't like A, our Friday babysitter, I asked her why not. And she first said because A puts her in time out (which I am 100% ok with).
And then she said A hit her. I asked her when, how, etc., told her it is a serious accusation, and she still insisted that A slapped her on the forehead.

So I really don't think that happened but how should I deal with this?

She has also said that our nanny has hit her, but when I ask her more about it, she always says no it wasn't really true. But this time she didn't recant her accusation.

I don't want to not believe my child if she is being hit by someone, except, well, I don't believe her!

[luckytwenty]

Why don't you believe her?

If I didn't fire the nanny, I'd have a nanny cam going on ASAP.

[ha98ed14]

I think you are right to think this it is wild toddler imagination, especially if your other experience with A is sound. We tell the kids "Don't hit." so it is something they know people get in trouble for. I will also add that, at least at our house, DD says we pushed her when she trips over her own feet. Not kidding. She's in another room and gets mad because she falls down and then mad at us for pushing her. If you have reason to suspect A, then pursue it. If not, drop it. I wouldn't even bring it up because it could damage your relationship with A. She would feel like you're accusing her of hitting DD. There's no way to spin it otherwise.

[mommylamb]

I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to jump in with both feet and take her word for it, but I'd still be concerned just in case. I'd keep asking her questions about it (when did it happen? Why do you think she hit you? where were you?) to see if it's something plausible.

[WolfpackMom]

DN used to do this and my poor FIL got accused by her (he absolutely didnt hit her, I was standing right there) and my SIL went off the handle and refused to let him babysit or near her for like 4 months. I think if your gut is telling you she is just exaggerating or doing that sort of of toddler imagining then I wouldnt go raising red flags yet, but yeah keep an eye on things. I do wonder if continuing to ask DD questions though would just cause her to keep coming up with answers though if you know what I mean. Like its not really true but you keep asking so she keeps coming up with answers to fill in the story. Gosh I dont know what I would do, thats a tough spot, Im sorry!

Correct me if Im wrong, but don't you work at home? I would highly doubt a sitter would hit your kid with you in the house (not saying that never happens Im sure there are bad people out there), seems very risky in terms of potential to get caught.

[chottumommy]

I have similar experiences with my 2 year old but instead of the nanny/sitter its me. My arm accidentally hit him on the forehead when he was trying to get down the high chair. I told him sorry and gave him a kiss. When Daddy was changing his diaper, he very seriously told him mama hit me and how he was very sad because of that.

This has happened before. DS somehow has to make a big drama out of everything and would routinely tell me teacher (x) at his daycare did something and I know very well they did not.

[elektra]

I don't believe her because I am usually here all day long. I feel like I pick up on even more than a single stationary nanny cam would.
Would you really fire the nanny off of a 4 yo single accusation?
I mean I am considering that but it must seems really harsh. I mean if I go that route it's pretty much like I would just fire her, as she will only deny the hitting if I confront her about it, whether it's true or not.

[luckytwenty]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize the background and didn't realize you were around all day. Never mind me. I had a bad experience with a nanny myself and am kind of gun shy!

[sste]

My son started doing this in the past few months. His nanny hit him. The teacher at school hit him. The other teacher at school hit him. Fortunately, DS is a terrible liar and he gets this sly little grin so I always know. Also the people he says hit him are the sweetest, gentlest people in the world AND some of DS's favorite people! I think he is going through some sort of odd "experimenting with social consequences" and he is choosing people he feels extremely safe with to insert into those little vignettes.

If you know and trust the sitter (and are in the house to boot!), I would let this go. In my case maybe it was easier because I knew DS was making up a story but I did talk to him about how making up stories for pretend is fine but NOT making up a story about a grown up hitting him. That can get the grown up into alot of trouble because people might not realize it is a story and think it is true.

[bubbaray]

I'd probably chalk it up to the active 4yo imagination and "milestone" that words have power, KWIM?

Having said that, I'd probably have a nanny cam set up ASAP.

FWIW, I would also ask your DD more details using non-leading questions (what happened yesterday? etc -- any question that can not be answered with a yes or no). I wouldn't do that when she is upset, but at a different time when it is just you and her. Observe her behavior. FWIW, DD#2 does this a lot lately (accusing her sister of hitting her). Lots of times, I can "challenge" DD#2 and I can tell from the smirky smirk that she is lying. Then we get into a talk about how that is not OK to try to get other people in trouble by telling lies.

4 is such a fun age. NOT.

[infocrazy]

My guess is that she did hit her, but not like it sounds.

DS1 told my friend the other day that DH threw him into the cabinet...
Ok, he did, but not like it sounds...they were wrestling and DS1 jumped and basically bounced off of DH who tried to catch him but ended up knocking him into the Expedit...

DS2 told DH that I threw him on the floor...
I grabbed DS2's arm (that was hitting DS1 mind you), he turned and tripped over a stuffed animal. I lost my grip when he tripped so he went down pretty hard.

So, truthful, but not accurate. In your case it could be something as simple as they played duck duck goose.

WWID? I would probably casually mention it to the sitter and see what she says.

It would
A. Show DC that I believe what she was saying.
B. Give the nanny a chance to explain what actually happened.
C. Let me gauge the nanny's reaction (does she get defensive, blame DC, etc) or does she seem confused at first, then explain what happened. Regardless, it lets her know you are listening to DC.

Nerve racking I know. In your case, I would probably also make unexpected trips through the area they are if possible since you are working from home or, you could get a baby monitor and flip it so you can hear them, just to give you a better idea of the day and issues.

[geochick]

My 4yo told me yesterday that when grandma picks her up from preschool on Wednesdays she leaves her in the car while grandma runs into the grocery store on their way home. I flipped out. My 4yo stuck with her story UNTIL I told her that she and I were going to go call grandma, and ask her side of the story. I can't imagine my mother in law doing this, so I pressured my 4yo a bit. I grabbed the phone, and started dialing. My dd quickly changed her story, and said she actually goes into the store with grandma. 4yos can be creative. If you're uncertain, ask the baby sitter what happened with your dd present.

[almostmom]

You've gotten good advice. I think your instinct is right that she is making it up. It's the age! But of course, good that you are now aware of watching for this. It doesn't hurt to bring it up to the babysitter so she knows you are strongly against hitting!

But I would give DD words to explain how she's feeling, because if she is making this up, it's because she wants it to be so (also called "magical thinking"). She wants it to be so because it gets her something she wants - your attention, or getting rid of the babysitter. My dd did this with more minor things, and once I realized why she was lying, I was able to direct her to say things that were honest but also got her what she wanted (in her case, a song sang at night by mommy and daddy).

I don't know exactly, but let her know she can tell you, "I don't like the nanny because she doesn't listen to me all the time." or "I don't like the babysitter because when she's here it means you're not." or "Mommy, can you come and visit me a little more on days when the babysitter and nanny are here?" or "I didn't like it when the babysitter hit me by accident - it was scary and made me sad."

If you think she's using this as a way to get you mad at, or rid of, the nanny, then try to figure out how she can share those valid feelings in an honest way, and give her those words. And make sure you really listen and respond to her when she does share her feelings in a more appropriate way.

I wouldn't make a huge deal of the lying at that age. It unfortunately just points out the power of the act!

[vonfirmath]

My son is about the same age -- and I would not go firing childcare over this given the way he talks when we (mom or dad) accidentally hurt him. He honestly treats it like it was intentional. If the kid already wants the babysitter gone, I'd be afraid they were angling for that.

Also he has told me other stuff that happened at childcare that day that I go back to get more details from childcare and she can not figure out what he is talking about -- for example they played Bambi and "Donatelli" (and someone else whose name I don't remember -- and no one can figure out who Donatelli is!

If I was really concerned I might talk to the provider to see what happened from their standpoint but -- if I really thought our provider would do that he'd be gone regardless of if he told me. I just cannot trust at this age that he is accurately telling me what happened.

[arivecchi]

Hard question. I think I would follow my gut in this situation and just keep an eye on things. Maybe I would talk to DD about the accusation over the weekend in order to get more details. I would not do a nanny cam. I think you get a good sense of what is going on since you are home. I would also most definitely not fire her over this accusation if you did not have any red flags prior to this. I think before doing that, you'd have to talk to the sitter about it and be fairly certain that this occurred.

Finally, I do think that kids this age sometimes exaggerate because they cannot describe things accurately.

[BabyMine]

Did you ask her to show you how she was hit? There was a child in M's daycare (he was 3) that told his Dad the teacher threw him on the floor. What happened was that he was messing around on a chair and started to fall of when teacher grabbed him so he wouldn't hit the floor.

I have been accused of so much by M. I would brush by him and he would say I pushed him.

[AnnieW625]

Would you really fire the nanny off of a 4 yo single accusation?
.

No I wouldn't, but I would investigate. I would however have a talk with the nannies, plus your dad and see what they say.

[wallawala]

they played Bambi and "Donatelli" (and someone else whose name I don't remember -- and no one can figure out who Donatelli is!


I think Donatelli is one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Or Fabio's brother... I get confused...

[TwinFoxes]

Wow, that is a hard one. It does sound a little fishy...if your nanny were going to hit her, I doubt her forehead would be the target.



WWID? I would probably casually mention it to the sitter and see what she says.

It would
A. Show DC that I believe what she was saying.
B. Give the nanny a chance to explain what actually happened.
C. Let me gauge the nanny's reaction (does she get defensive, blame DC, etc) or does she seem confused at first, then explain what happened. Regardless, it lets her know you are listening to DC.


This sounds smart.

[MamaMolly]

My 4 yo has stood *across the room* from me, screaming for me to stop hitting her, and that it hurt. Screaming it. Anyone just listening would have thought I was beating her to death. :shrug: It was just a really bad, loud tantrum.

Go with your instincts on this one.

[sariana]

I agree with many PPs that your DD may be exaggerating/confused/making things up.

The question I would be asking is "Why?"

For some reason your DD does not want to be with this nanny (she has told you so). Is she seeking more of your attention? Is this her way of trying to make YOU spend more time with her?

Maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart with her about why you make the choices you do as a family and why she is so important to you and etc.

I don't disagree with the advice to talk to the nanny, though.