Do you make your DC have playdates with a child whom they don't like playing with?

[justlearning]

I have this situation right now but it's complicated. First, this is a child that DS has been friends with for 6 of his 7 years. Second, we're very good friends with his family. Third, the child is on the autism spectrum and doesn't have any friends besides DS. He also recently had to be withdrawn from school due to increasing behavioral problems, so he's at home all day.

When the child's around DS, he always insist on doing what he wants, he can get upset easily (and violent, although not yet with DS), he doesn't have impulse control so he knocks down things DS has carefully built, etc.

But I know that his mom really appreciates the fact that my DS is her son's only friend, so she likes for them to have playdates once a week (rotating between our houses). So I keep telling DS that he needs to be a friend to him and try to explain the situation, but I wonder if I'm being unfair to my DS by essentially forcing him to play with someone who he says he doesn't want to play with. The past two weeks DS has cried, saying that he doesn't want to play with the child anymore, although DS has regained his composure and played nicely once the playdate began.

Have any of you been in a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it?

[Mommy_Again]

This is a hard one. I was in a similar situation - a new kid joined DS' class and seemed really nice. The mom asked if we wanted to set up weekly playdates that would alternate between our houses. The first few weeks were fine, but then DS decided he didn't like the kid anymore. I made up an excuse about being over-scheduled and needing to scale things back. About a month later mom called again to see if DS wanted to play. My first instinct was to say no - my son didn't like this boy, so why should he have to play with him outside of school? But DH provided an alternate viewpoint - there was nothing wrong with the kid, he wasn't mean or "off"...the nice thing to do is play every once in a while. No skin off DS's back to play a few hours here and there. The boy liked my DS, so why would we want to hurt someone's feelings for an occasional playdate?

Your situation is a bit more extreme...my heart goes out to the little boy. Maybe you could use a similar approach, that your DS has a lot going on and weekly playdates are becoming difficult? Maybe reduce to once a month. You can't get away with too much fibbing if you socialize with the entire family a lot, so maybe there are family activities you can schedule that don't force the boys to be one-on-one a lot - provide a bit of a buffer?

I do think there is a larger lesson involved in being kind and charitable to others, even when you don't "feel" like it. 7 years old isn't too young to understand that message.

[daisymommy]

Oh gosh, that's a tough one. Normally I would say no way do I expect my child to play with kids he doesn't like or get along with. That's just not fair. I don't really think it's fair to keep it up under these circumstances either--but I have no idea what I would say to the child's mother about it. I'm really bad about conversations like that, so I usually avoid conflict and end up unhappy. Not good! Hopefully the other posters here can help with what to say.

I think it is very kind and thoughtful of you to try to go out of your way to help this mother and child out though.

[longtallsally05]

Your situation is a bit more extreme...my heart goes out to the little boy. Maybe you could use a similar approach, that your DS has a lot going on and weekly playdates are becoming difficult? Maybe reduce to once a month. You can't get away with too much fibbing if you socialize with the entire family a lot, so maybe there are family activities you can schedule that don't force the boys to be one-on-one a lot - provide a bit of a buffer?

I do think there is a larger lesson involved in being kind and charitable to others, even when you don't "feel" like it. 7 years old isn't too young to understand that message.

This sounds like a reasonable, charitable approach, given the other child's circumstances. Under ordinary circumstances, I'd say drop them. Your DC definitely needs a break. 1 x week sounds like too much; try 1 x month and see if your DC can get on board with it. However, if the other child is violent with your DC, all bets are off.

[bubbaray]

Personally, I wouldn't make my child go on playdates (nor host them) if my child cried about it. In the circumstances, I would discuss with the parents, but support my child. As sad as the situation is for the other child, you are the parent to YOUR child.

JMHO.

[sste]

I would absolutely make my DS go in any situation involving a disabled/handicapped/neuroatypical child. I wouldn't make him go every week or every other week though - - maybe once a month or a few times a season. I am sure your 7 year old is going to understand why it is important to help . . . and to remember the lesson later.

We are starting to have this situation emerge with dear friends, who had their baby the same week as we had DS, and that child is very, very delayed. Very. I actually feel emotional about it. DH and I have been extremely firm with DS that he is to play nice, give turns, be patient and a VERY good friend to this little boy. As I see it, we and DS's teachers spend an exorbitant amount of time catering to DS's interests and wants . . . it is not a bad thing if his wants aren't front and center for a couple of hours.

What I might do though is think about setting them up for success. Is there some place your 7 year old loves going that would be a special treat and put a positive spin on things? Is there a setting where the other child is less disruptive or less able to knock things over? Maybe you can brainstorm with the other parents . . .

[lfp2n]

Yes at age 7 I would (and have), as long as the child wasn't in physical danger or really upset by it. Sounds like he didn't have that bad a time when the playdate got going, and 7 is old enough to explain the situation.
Saying that, once a week is pretty frequent, DD doesn't see her closest friends that often and I don't know whether I could keep that up with anyone.

[JBaxter]

Not weekly. I would be afraid of running the risk of my child becoming resentful of HAVING to play with X. Once or twice a month wouldn't be bad

[crl]

I can't help myself with this OT. Public schools in the United States are required to provide special education services to children age 3 and up. So, I don't know if this was a private school? Or if the public school didn't follow the law? Or the parents felt school wasn't working so they withdrew him? But, I really, really, really think that this child could be going to school. And that school could be a big help in learning social skills. And that weekly playdates with no other interventions are not going to do anything to teach this boy how to play with others, so the situation is not likely to get better. (I say this as the mom of a special needs child.)

Back on topic. I would try to find ways to lessen the burden on my son. Maybe fewer playdates. Maybe playdates at a park. Maybe meeting up for open swim or other whole family activities.

Catherine

[justlearning]

Or the parents felt school wasn't working so they withdrew him?

He had already been at one public school through last year (that specializes in kids with autism), but they then told the parents that his needs were too severe for them to help him. So he started at a different public school this year that put him in a classroom by himself with a teacher. He wasn't allowed to be around other students very often there (after demonstrating violence towards them), and that situation with the teacher became increasingly worse. So the parents felt that they should home school him at this point (the school is supplying the work and paying for a tutor) and then reevaluate the situation in the fall.

For years he has gone to a variety of specialists (psychiatrist, OT among others) and continues to do so.

[maestramommy]

Ohhhh, this is a tough one. We're getting into that territory ourselves. I met a mom at Arwyn's class party, and she tells me her son talks about Arwyn all the time. He has high functioning autism. She initiated having a playdate so I said why not? Arwyn has never mentioned him, but she never mentions anyone, and the boy is just adorable, very sweet, if very active. The playdate was a little intense (and LONG), but as long as things stay relatively pleasant for everyone, including the kids, I'll continue to go for it. Besides, I like the mom.
I don't know what I'd do if it was a disaster. I'd probably have to not continue because Arwyn just isn't mature enough for an explanation of why the other kid was the way he was.

[bubbaray]

He wasn't allowed to be around other students very often there (after demonstrating violence towards them), and that situation with the teacher became increasingly worse.


Given the additional facts, I definitely would not have playdates with the child if he is violent towards other children or adults. I don't care how politically incorrect that is, I will protect my child first and worry about doing the "right" thing later. JMHO

[sste]

Well, I can see if it is violence that can't be prevented or stopped. But, with two adults there . . . ideally, RIGHT there in the mix and kids that are still pretty small, I was assuming the violence could be managed in that type of setting. And OP mentioned there had never been any violence toward your son before, I think.

But, I can see bubbaray's point that a parent should not let their child be physically attacked in a serious/frightening/dangerous way (versus "typical" kid rough and tumble or outbursts).

CRL has a great point. The parents should look for a disability advocate or lawyer or whomever one employs. If this child is completely incapable of being mainstreamed or being in a traditional special ed setting the district should pay for him to attend a special/autistic school.

[Rainbows&Roses]

Given the additional facts, I definitely would not have playdates with the child if he is violent towards other children or adults. I don't care how politically incorrect that is, I will protect my child first and worry about doing the "right" thing later. JMHO

Yes I agree with this. And there are not 2 adults involved since you switch off houses.

I think the only way I would continue would be as PP suggested and have the playdate somewhere fun for your child and meet them there so there are 2 adults involved. I would do this only if your child wants to do so.

[hillview]

I would discuss in some detail with DS that it was the "right" thing to do. I would compromise and do say once every other week or monthly and make it pretty fun (a new craft project etc) even better if it can be at a museum or something like that (movie?). I would talk about how we help others and make it a teachable moment. I agree at 7 a child I think can understand this -- my son at 5.5 would listen to some of this and understand (he can be empathetic).

Good luck!
/hillary

[TwinFoxes]

I was leaning toward having him play at fun places just every so often until I read about the violence. I don't care how attentive parents are, it only takes a split second to whack someone in the face with a toy truck. I personally would be really upset with myself if I put DDs in that situation and they were hurt, even if not seriously.

[egoldber]

From my perspective, weekly playdates with any kid is a lot. The only kids we see that often are our next door neighbors, in the summer, when it's light until 9 PM and there is no homework!

I think dropping down to biweekly or even monthly is totally reasonable.

[Ceepa]

The situation as it stands is stressful for you and DC. To me that is reason to change it. I wouldn't see this other child weekly, but try to reduce visits to every other week. Also brainstorm with the mom for ideas that would be appropriate for her son to participate in that give the boys some space when together, e.g., outdoor activities once the weather warms.