I'm frustrated not knowing the gender

[indigo99]

...of my sister-in-law's baby. She just had her 20-week-ultrasound this week which is the ONLY ultrasound that she will have during her pregnancy (typical in Sweden apparently). It was her first ultrasound, and apparently there was some drama over them being able to see everything that they needed to. She and her husband didn't think to ask the gender of the baby until after it was over, and they were told that noone had checked. How can you not check for the gender? Wouldn't you ask the parents if they wanted to know?!

The whole thing is so bizarre to me. We've been waiting to find out what they were having so that she could have that bit of exciting news before we announce to DH's family that we're also expecting. Now I'm going to find out if I'm having a boy/girl in about 6 weeks, and she won't know until it's born! They planned on finding out and being able to decorate and shop for everything. From a practical standpoint, it's a real pain not knowing. If I happen to have a girl then I would have a lot of boy stuff to pass along, but it would take a while to put everything together and ship it to them.

[KrisM]

Personally, I think it's more practical to not know. If you have one and then the other, you get tempted to make a very girl or very boy room, etc. And, you'll have tons of clothes geared for one gender.

We didn't find out any of the 3 times and my kids all had nice clothes at the beginning because they could be used for a boy or a girl. And, we didn't have to rebuy things for the crib, etc.

My friends who found out, ended up with everything gender specific - outfits, rooms, bibs, etc. Then, for baby #2 they had the opposite and now had 2 of everything!

It's a bummer that they wanted to find out and forgot! But, it's only 20 more weeks or so and they'll know then.

ETA: I"m in the US and had no ultrasounds planned for any kids. I didn't have any reason to have them and my OB didn't do them "just because" at 20 weeks. I did have one for DD because measurements jumped a lot in 2 weeks, but that was 32 weeks or so. I had one for DS2 by choice as part of other testing that I don't remember the name of. Many people don't have any at all if they have a normal progressing pregnancy.

[Uno-Mom]

That is very odd.

When we had our U/S, the guy was shocked that we were more interested in things like bone structure than the gender! He said most parents are annoyingly over-eager to get through the "boring" (ie actually medically important) parts to get to that bit of news. I can't imagine them just forgetting to check or the parents just forgetting to ask. Is the culture really different in Sweden re finding out gender?

We were pleased to learn Sprog's sex, of course, but we were especially interested in seeing other development stuff.

Kind of a bummer for your family, if everybody really wanted that news.

[Uno-Mom]

Yeah, Kris, I 2nd the part about everybody wanting to go super genderfied. We spent 20 weeks lecturing everybody: no pink please ... please no pink ... no pink ... NO PINK!

It got old.

[indigo99]

I'm not a fan of pink. There just isn't that much that's gender neutral, and I really hate the color yellow. We did go with some neutrals with DS (sleepsacks, blankets, sheets, pack-and-play, even Rody) with the thought of one day having another baby, but the bedrooms needed painted either way (DS's was pink when we moved in and the next baby's room is currently a bright blue that I don't like).

One of my biggest frustrations is with the names. SIL and I had picked out the same baby girl name independently. I wouldn't mind cousins in different countries sharing a name, but she does not like the idea. If she has a girl first then I know I won't be able to use the name without causing problems. If I have one first then I'd use it and leave it up to her whether she wanted to later. Now I won't know until July whether or not she's using it. She's also claimed a boy name that I wanted to use for DS's middle name. Once she names her first child, I don't think she can have dibs on other names. However, I won't know until July, and I'll want to start picking names as soon as I know this baby's gender.

ETA: Both of the names in question are family names and sentimental to me. I've had them picked for years. The girl name happens to be SIL's middle name though (which she obviously thinks should give her priority).

[lhafer]

Personally, I think it's more practical to not know. If you have one and then the other, you get tempted to make a very girl or very boy room, etc. And, you'll have tons of clothes geared for one gender.

We didn't find out any of the 3 times and my kids all had nice clothes at the beginning because they could be used for a boy or a girl. And, we didn't have to rebuy things for the crib, etc.

My friends who found out, ended up with everything gender specific - outfits, rooms, bibs, etc. Then, for baby #2 they had the opposite and now had 2 of everything!

It's a bummer that they wanted to find out and forgot! But, it's only 20 more weeks or so and they'll know then.

ETA: I"m in the US and had no ultrasounds planned for any kids. I didn't have any reason to have them and my OB didn't do them "just because" at 20 weeks. I did have one for DD because measurements jumped a lot in 2 weeks, but that was 32 weeks or so. I had one for DS2 by choice as part of other testing that I don't remember the name of. Many people don't have any at all if they have a normal progressing pregnancy.

Here in the US, the 20 week ultrasound is not "just because". That is the point where they check all the measurements, growth, bone structure, kidney and stomach function, brain, facial features, etc.

[BayGirl2]

Kind of a bummer for your family. For our first we didn't want to know and had to be very clear about that every time before the ultrasound touched my belly.

ITA that everyone seems over-excited about learning the gender. I'm personally a little bothered by how different peoples expectations and behavior is based on gender. I know there are naturally behavioral differences (DS loves trucks, ignores stuffed animals; even my neighbor's multi-gender triplets behave differently). I guess it bothers me a bit when people set expectations for their kids before they are even born "we're glad we're having a boy first because a boy will be better as the oldest" - said by my younger brother who has only an older sister. Maybe finding out the gender is less common in Sweden?

DH and I want to know for #2, mostly because we have some hopes for having a girl and want to deal adjust to any minor disappointment before the baby is here. I kind of don't want to tell others because I don't want to end up with a ton of pink if its a girl (it may not be our last child and I hate pink). But people seemed really annoyed that we didn't find out for the first one - like I had somehow ruined the fun of having a shower or a baby.

Bottom line: If they really want to know maybe they can ask their OB or find out somehow. But if they are ok with it, then I'd just accept it. Its really not that much of an inconvenience, and there are so few happy surprises left in life.

[BayGirl2]

I'm not a fan of pink. There just isn't that much that's gender neutral, and I really hate the color yellow.

I do wish there were more gender neutral clothes in general, but we really did find a lot out there. I found a lot in cream & brown, bright yellow, green, reds, greys, etc. My mom seemed set on getting us yellow duckies on everything. Frankly, I would have bought DS a lot of gender neutral clothes even after he was born if I could have, knowing that we plan to have more and want to reuse stuff.

Room decorating is easier, IMO. We did red & yellow with bugs. Bold and fun colors, Ladybugs are girlish and dragonflies are boyish. Both kids will share that room for a while regardless of gender, so I wanted it neutral either way.

[SnuggleBuggles]

LOL. :) I didn't find out with either kid and it drove people crazy. Too bad! I didn't want to know and was totally happy not knowing.

Now, I have been excitedly anxious for my friends that didn't find out. But, it was so fun discussing who we thought was in there and guessing.

Beth

[liamsmom]

Bottom line: If they really want to know maybe they can ask their OB or find out somehow. But if they are ok with it, then I'd just accept it. Its really not that much of an inconvenience, and there are so few happy surprises left in life.

:yeahthat: Honestly, if they really wanted to know, I think they would have asked at the time of the U/S. Maybe they didn't want to find out, or maybe they know and they're just playing dumb.

[katydid1971]

Personally, I think it's more practical to not know. If you have one and then the other, you get tempted to make a very girl or very boy room, etc. And, you'll have tons of clothes geared for one gender.


I loved knowing and FWIW I bought gender neutral stuff even though I knew I was having a boy with DS because I also knew I wanted more than 1 child and knew that I would be using the nursery again with baby #2 (who was a girl).

[SnuggleBuggles]

I loved knowing and FWIW I bought gender neutral stuff even though I knew I was having a boy with DS because I also knew I wanted more than 1 child and knew that I would be using the nursery again with baby #2 (who was a girl).

Some people aren't so practical. I know a few people who went overboard on the whole pink thing, for example, with #1 only to then have things like a pink stroller and a boy next. Not that I think that is a problem but some people do. :)

Beth

[KrisM]

Here in the US, the 20 week ultrasound is not "just because". That is the point where they check all the measurements, growth, bone structure, kidney and stomach function, brain, facial features, etc.

The ACOG recommends against a routine ultrasound in a low-risk pregnancy. I believe the reason is that outcomes aren't typically affected by a routine ultrasound in those cases. I'd have to dig it up though. It's been a few years since I've read about it :).

[EllasMum]

I am in Canada, and at the ultrasound labs around here, they have signs up warning people NOT to ask the tech for the baby's sex, and that the tech will NOT tell you, if you do ask. There is some concern that certain ethnic groups may terminate a pregnancy if they learn they are not having a specific sex of baby.

Having said that, I know of several people who DID ask, and although the techs were reluctant, they did divulge the sex of the baby. My sister is in a different part of the country and said that the techs there will absolutely not tell you.

This would be for the 19 week ultrasound that is covered by health care. If you pay for an u/s (some people will do this with to get the 3D ones), the techs are happy to tell you, apparently.

[JElaineB]

:yeahthat: Honestly, if they really wanted to know, I think they would have asked at the time of the U/S. Maybe they didn't want to find out, or maybe they know and they're just playing dumb.

:yeahthat:
I agree, it is very possible they do know and just want to avoid telling anyone else.

[nicepersonfl]

The ACOG recommends against a routine ultrasound in a low-risk pregnancy. I believe the reason is that outcomes aren't typically affected by a routine ultrasound in those cases. I'd have to dig it up though. It's been a few years since I've read about it :).

I'd like to see those recommendations because I'm finding the opposite. From what I've seen, ACOG recommends at least 1 ultrasound, preferably close to 20 weeks for fetal growth/development/etc. They do not advocate serial ultrasounds unless an issue is discovered or other medical necessity. They don't recommend the "novelty" types of ultrasound shops either.

http://www.acr.org/SecondaryMainMenuCategories/quality_safety/guidelines/us/us_obstetrical.aspx

http://www.acog.org/publications/patient_education/bp133.cfm

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19155920

[scrooks]

Here in the US, the 20 week ultrasound is not "just because". That is the point where they check all the measurements, growth, bone structure, kidney and stomach function, brain, facial features, etc.

:yeahthat: We have found out the sex of both DC but after very serious problems were discovered in what should have been a very routine 20 week ultrasound, subsequent ultrasounds with DD and DS were not only super stressful but very necessary. Our first concern is always the health of the baby.

[Melaine]

At my 20 week ultrasound I found out I was having two kids!

[zag95]

At my 20 week ultrasound I found out our baby was going to be born with a cleft lip and palate...... so we chose not to find out the gender.

I loved the surprise of hearing the doctor say in the OR_ "It's a girl!" We thought for sure we were having a boy!!!!!


It was a little tough not knowing the sex, but we got so much off our registry and are now ready for #2, when that child is conceived!

[AnnieW625]

We didn't find out the sex either. DH had said with DD1 if we wanted to find out the sex and we did we wouldn't tell anyone. With DD2 we didn't find out either although I spent the first 1/1/2 trimesters thinking it would make me feel more at ease if we did but at the ultra sound we decided not to find out. Not too many people gave us any hassle for not finding out. I actually find it refreshing when people don't find out.

[sste]

Truly, I think both routes are special - - I mean, how cannot it not be special whenever you find out.

But, I am a personal fan of the mega-surprise. How many surprises do you really have in life with a nine-month build-up!

Also, I very much wanted our baby to start out on an even gender playing field. So, that the nursery was neutral and the toys, etc. Of course, DS is totally obsessed with cars but at least I know it wasn't due babyhood influence!

[indigo99]

I'm not a fan of pink, but I will definitely be buying some girlie clothes if I find out that I'm having a girl. That's part of the fun! Not to mention that the baby will likely not have much hair (like DS), and I like to help everyone out when they're deciding whether to call the baby he or she.

With my first pregnancy, I had a missed miscarriage. At my first ultrasound, I thought that we should be seeing a heartbeat, but I wasn't sure what to think when the tech just started doing some measurements and then said that she needed to go find the doctor. Twenty minutes later we were finally informed that the baby had died.

It sounds like SIL had a similar ultrasound where the tech was just doing her thing and having trouble and then left to find a doctor because she couldn't view something that she needed to due to positioning (or something like that). With all that, and considering it was the first ultrasound, I'm not really surprised if they didn't ask. They probably just assumed that the tech knew and someone would be telling them.