Frustrated.... why be a SAHM if you do this???

[SAHMIL]

I hate sounding judgmental, but i know it's going to sound that way.

So, I have this friend who justified sending her son to a day care facility for preschool for 3 full days a week. she is a SAHM, and said it gave her her space and she could get her cleaning and shopping done. Now, I jsut want to cry. She had another baby a couple of months ago and she has her kid in day care now for 5 days a week! It's not like she puts him in for the mornings only. She puts him in for the whole day for 8 hours plus sometimes. I just don't get it. She says again it's because she " need s her space" and "needs to spend more time with teh baby because her DS is bigger." I feel so bad. At teh same time, her kid is bumping his head into the baby's, and is constantly like pinching it and such. I guess any atteniton is worth it.

I had to go back to work last year, and just did it. I held in tears for the first month when I sent my son to day care in the morning. I feel guilty b/c he spends sometimes 10 hours + a day there. And even tomorrow on my one day off, this oen time, I feel bad, but sending him there , but planning to pick him up earlier b/c I have major stuff going on at home. But otherwise, each moment I have with my DS, is so precious! If I were in her position, I would just do one of those preschools that meets for 2-3 days a week for 2-3 hours at a time and enjoy him, going to the park , the store, etc.

Anyway, that's my rant.

I still don't get why someone would do this. I want to cry for her DS1!

[golightly1118]

Well, playing devil's advocate, I can see it from your friend's POV. Her older DS does need time to socialize with kids his age, and she does need time to devote to her home and new baby. I only have the one DD right now, but I've started to look into mother's day out mornings once a week for her when she gets to be 18 months-two years or so, so I can have some time to take care of things around the house and/or grocery shop in peace, and she can have time to socialize with other children. As a SAHM, I feel my DD and the home are my jobs right now, and let's face it-no matter how much you love any job, you do need a break from it every now and then.

That said, I do think it's a little extreme that she puts her DS1 in full-time daycare/preschool-he needs that time to get to know his younger sibling and to get used to the new family dynamics and his role as a big brother-and not to see his time around the new baby as a time to compete for attention. So yeah, while I can kind of see her POV, I think part time preschool would be a better fit.

[Nechums]

I usually don't respond to these types of posts, but I feel compelled to say something. I understand why it frustrates you as a working mom, but I do think you're right in that it sounds quite judgmental. Every person and every parent has different circumstances and no two people are alike, especially when it comes to raising children and running a household.

[AnnieW625]

Maybe it's her sanity too.

I kept my daughter, just 4 at the time in daycare the entire time I was off of work on maternity leave with DD2. Looking back I could've managed with them both, but it was a blessing in disguise because DD2 was a horrible sleeper during the day and it was easier not to disrupt DD1's schedule.

I have worked outside the home full time since DD1 was 4 months old. Yes it's tough, but when I had my kids I knew I wasn't going to be a SAHM.

Just because we send our kids to daycare doesn't mean that we don't enjoy or have precious times with them.

[TwinFoxes]

I usually don't respond to these types of posts, but I feel compelled to say something. I understand why it frustrates you as a working mom, but I do think you're right in that it sounds quite judgmental. Every person and every parent has different circumstances and no two people are alike, especially when it comes to raising children and running a household.

:yeahthat: And I'm a SAHM whose kids haven't spent one minute in daycare.

[bubbaray]

I kept my DD#1 in daycare during my year of maternity leave with DD#2. I would have lost my mind otherwise -- DD#2 was high needs and nursed pretty much constantly. It was MUCH BETTER for DD#1 to be in the stable, known daycare environment than to be at home.

[elektra]

I still had our nanny come to basically help with DD after I had DS too. The first 3 months were so tough and I really hit a point there where I just could not deal with it all.
I do think it would be a little weird if you are a full time SAHM and your kids are in full time day care all day every day from day 1 all the way through K, but doing day care for your older child while you care for your newborn can be helpful for everyone involved. A best case scenario really!
Going back to work and having your kids in some kind of childcare stirs up a lot of emotions, especially if you would rather be at home. I can see where you would be frustrated at someone who seems to not appreciate what they have. But you really should give your friend a break on this, especially if she thinks this is really the best way to meet everyone's needs.

[liamsmom]

There's probably a daily itinerary at the day care as well, with set meal and nap times. It could be much easier for her (and both her kids) to drop off her DS1 for the whole day, instead of picking him up in the middle of naptime and disrupt his entire routine.

Anyway, it sounds like the OP is struggling with her own feelings on daycare. It's ok. Trust me, my DS just started going and I was surprised by how hard it was to send him at first. But your friend has the right to feel and act differently.

[SAHMIL]

She has never really had much of a routine with DS1. But I think what really kills me is how she goes on and on about how she thinks it's so important that she 's home with him and makes herslef off as the perfect mom kind of person b/c she has never put her kid in a time out. (Yah, there's aggression issues. I don't really hang out with her because of it.) And then goes on about how there's lack of parenting going on, and that I'm too strict with my kid. REALLY?!

[bigpassport]

I hear ya, OP. I have always been jealous of FT SAHM's. I send Ds to a babysitter 3 days a week, and I feel like that's too much. OTOH I am often relieved to have time to focus on my work and personal things on those 3 days, so I wonder if I would ever make it as a FT SAHM (which is our goal). We all have different temperaments and priorities; your friend's priorities are obviously very different from yours.

[niccig]

She has never really had much of a routine with DS1. But I think what really kills me is how she goes on and on about how she thinks it's so important that she 's home with him and makes herslef off as the perfect mom kind of person b/c she has never put her kid in a time out. (Yah, there's aggression issues. I don't really hang out with her because of it.) And then goes on about how there's lack of parenting going on, and that I'm too strict with my kid. REALLY?!

I would keep my distance. It sounds like you two do not mesh with parenting styles. I have a mommy friend that DH asked me to not see as much as there were a number of things driving me crazy, and he was right that every encounter was annoying/frustrating/full of drama. Life is too short. And I have other friends whose company I enjoy more.

[Fairy]

Nevermind -- it's your bitch, I get your frustration, have at it.

[JBaxter]

OP... Im with you. I never under stood ( and still dont) why SAHM have kids in full time Out of home daycare especially for infants. When I worked full time ( 4 days a week) my boys never spent one minute in daycare they didnt have to be there. If I was off a day they were with me If I as on maternity leave they were with me. After I became a SAHM we did 1/2 day preschool for the boys I cant see paying someone to have my children nap. I LIKED spending time with my kids and see no reason to farm out their care. Thats my opinion from someone what has done both.

[ThreeofUs]

This is the bitching post, and you get to say what you want. I understand your rant.

[wellyes]

I don't judge other moms daycare arrangements, but in this case, it sounds like the daycare isn't the problem so much as that she's a judgmental yet smug person. One of my LEAST favorite personality combinations. So I get it, OP.

[Ceepa]

I would keep my distance. It sounds like you two do not mesh with parenting styles. I have a mommy friend that DH asked me to not see as much as there were a number of things driving me crazy, and he was right that every encounter was annoying/frustrating/full of drama. Life is too short. And I have other friends whose company I enjoy more.

This is great advice. I went through a similar situation and finally just put distance between us. It was the only thing that helped, and it really has helped.

OP, you don't need that kind of frustration on top of regular life.

[longtallsally05]

I had to go back to work last year, and just did it. I held in tears for the first month when I sent my son to day care in the morning. I feel guilty b/c he spends sometimes 10 hours + a day there. And even tomorrow on my one day off, this oen time, I feel bad, but sending him there , but planning to pick him up earlier b/c I have major stuff going on at home. But otherwise, each moment I have with my DS, is so precious! If I were in her position, I would just do one of those preschools that meets for 2-3 days a week for 2-3 hours at a time and enjoy him, going to the park , the store, etc.



Just want to say I'm sorry you're not happy with your current situation. It sounds frustrating.

[arivecchi]

This is the bitching post, and you get to say what you want. I understand your rant.
:yeahthat:

[daphne]

I agree with you, op. I think it's a little sad that she's a SAHM & sends her DS (how old is?) off to daycare full-time. IMO (as a full-time SAMH for 6+years), it defeats the purpose of being a sahm.

[artvandalay]

I don't get why a SAHM would put a kid in full time daycare, either. I could see part time/a few days a week if she has other obligations or something.

[edurnemk]

This is the bitching post, and you get to say what you want. I understand your rant.

:yeahthat:

I think the fact that she's so judgmental with you makes it harder on you.

I do understand where you're coming from, since I have a friend who put her 18 month old DS in FT just because... she was a FT SAHM, had no other babies, his kid had a very hard time adjusting, he cried all day, every day for months. She didn't have many other activities, it frustrated me, too, especially since we knew he was having such a hard time. The more he cried the longer she left him at daycare, her theory was that he was too attached to her, and that if she backed off now he'd turn into a brat. In her case I think she wasn't prepared to be a mom, she was young, it was an unplanned pregnancy (and shot gun wedding), she found it stressful to spend the entire day with her son. I found it all really sad.

In your friend's case I'd understand him being in daycare a few hours a week, so she can get some one-on-one time with the baby, and he can get some interaction with other kids and all, but FT daycare does seem a little extreme.

However, I've learned to not stress about other parent's choices. I keep telling myself "it's not my kid, they can choose whatever they want" and that helps with the frustration. As long as they don't question or attack me for my choices, I'm cool and I won't say anything.

[citymama]

How old is her DS? If he's3 or 4 or something like that, I can see why it would be important to have him in preschool on a regular basis. And if he's littler, I can see why it's hard for her to manage them both (although in her shoes I'd get a nanny to help with the baby and free up time with the older kid).

But as parents we all make different choices. We don't know anything about her life. As long as the kids are healthy and safe, I'd stay out of it. But I do see where you're coming from, I totally do.

[veronica]

OP, I understand that you are frustrated and that you miss your DC while you are at work. It can be very easy to look at other situations longingly, for the type of arrangement/life that we dream of.

DD was in full time daycare at 5.5 months. I cried every single day. At 13 months, we moved, I was expecting DS and became a SAHM. When DS turned 2,I had both DD and DS in preschool for 3 hours, 3 days a week for my sanity. I am hurt to read that this offends people. I could not keep up with them fighting and demanding my attention, in different ways, at the same time.

As a parent, there are many situations that we interperet as being ideal. It is not until we have lived/experienced those situations, that we can truly decide whether or not they are the right situations for us. I hope that you can find peace with your current set-up.

[MMMommy]

OP, it is your right to *itch and let off some steam.

On a side note, I think better to be in daycare where there is some form of enrichment and socialization for the child. Versus sitting in front of the tv all day at home watching Dora the Explorer and getting little attention from the mother, while the mother is busy caring for the newborn.