Deal-Breaker- UPDATE

[siri]

deleted for privacy. Thanks for the help.

[momm]

I don't have any advice for you (sorry) but just wanted to say I remember your excitement after your first date with Mr Big and I'm so excited for you!! Yayyy!!

[SnuggleBuggles]

There were plenty of people on here who shared their very short courtship stories- and the successful marriages there after. I don't think that anyone can prescribe an amount of time you should slow down for. It might be fast and furious and fizzle out but it might not. I say roll with it and see where it takes you. :)

Beth

[ha98ed14]

Well, my first bit of advice is to get out of bed with him. That's one sure fire way to slow it down. Also, don't think of introducing him to DC until things are settled, even boring, which I would take as a sign that he is in for the long haul.

Have you had follow-up conversation to his "I'm not sure I'm ready to date a single mom." statement? Does he now feel differently, like he is ready to date a single mom? IMO, if he has told you he's not ready to date a single mom, and he calls you up, that does not mean he *IS* ready for an LTR with a single mom. IME, men have a way of separating their words from their actions. If he has told you he is not ready to date a single mom, AND he has not retracted that statement, he may be under the impression that you are okay with just a weekend hookup when your kids are with their father.

Lots of talking is not a bad thing, just keep in the front of your mind what you are looking for. If a weekend hookup is enough, and all he wants, fine. If you are looking for someone to share a life with and introduce into your kids' lives, don't settle. But don't delude yourself thinking that a relationship of passionate weekend hookups is going to morph into him wanting to be a part of your family life. It may, but it may not.

[boolady]

I don't think that anyone can prescribe an amount of time you should slow down for. It might be fast and furious and fizzle out but it might not. I say roll with it and see where it takes you. :)

Beth

:yeahthat: I guess my question is WHY are they saying to slow down? The child issue, or they think you're moving too fast in general? You're a grownup...you already know that sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. I don't really understand why you shouldn't talk every day. DH and I went from not dating to talking on the phone at least once or twice a day in, oh, about one date. As to the other stuff, :wink2:, as I said, you're a big girl. You know what you can handle and what you can't.

ETA: I do agree with PP about not introducing him to your child, though, until you know where this is headed.

[BabbyO]

I think you hit the nail on the head "dating in your 20's is A LOT different than dating in your 30's." I have good friends who met dated and were married within 8 mo. They had their first child just over a year after their first date. But they were both in their 30's, knew what they wanted, and weren't interested in playing games.

They've been happily married for 5 or 6 years...I can't remember if they were married right before DH and I or right after.

Anyway...I think it is up to your and Mr. Big to decide on what works for you the two of you. You are adults after all with a few life experiences under your belt! :)

Best of luck

[AnnieW625]

I think I would take it slowly, but if things are working for you and you have open lines of communication on both ends I don't see the issue with you guys dating. I think your friends are just openly concerned that you might get hurt. Talk to him about boundaries if it makes you feel better.

YAY!:)

[ha98ed14]

I wanted to clarify; I'm not condemning what you did at all. As PP said, you're an adult and you are capable of making these decisions. I was responding to your post which asked for ways to slow it down.

I do, however, stand by my assertion that men have a great ability to rationalize. The worst possible scenario I see, based on what you've disclosed, is that you fall hard and want to make the relationship long term, to have him become part of your family life, which includes interacting with your kids and knowing that his needs/ wants not being the first priority when they are present. He may not want that, but he will have no guilt about refusing to go to that level, or even walking away because he told you he's not ready to date a woman with kids. It's not you he's leery of; it's your kids.

[BillK]

I started dating my wife in April - got engaged in September and married in June - that was 17 years of marriage ago.

I say do what works for you as long as you are fairly confident he's just not out for a piece of a$$ (unless you are too!). ;)

[ohsara430]

I think your friends are probably telling you to slow down so you don't get hurt, but you just have to do what you feel is right. There's no guarantees but why not indulge yourself and see where it goes. I do agree with PP that you should be sure you and Mr. Big are on the same page about expectations but if you want to talk everyday then go for it. Oh, those early feelings of passion and lust are sooo fun - enjoy it!

[infomama]

I say roll with it and see where it takes you. :)

:yeahthat:
Enjoy yourself. If things start to feel too heavy reevaluate then.

[ray7694]

I know how it feels to be in your shoes. I learned quick you can't listen to other people. Go with your gut.

I do think it is a red flag that he said he didn't want to date a single mom and now suddenly does and it is hot and heavy. If you both have the same goals for the relationship I wouldn't worry but if not I don't want you to get hurt.

Most men have only one things on their mind:)

[Globetrotter]

How exciting! Enjoy yourself BUT try not to get your hopes up for a long term relationship. If you honestly think of this as a fling, you will be okay, but I think for women it is sometimes hard to do that.

I say that based on what he said to you earlier about dating a single mom. I know someone who is like this. He will say, well she KNOWS I'm not going to marry her but she still wants to date me..
In his mind he had given the disclaimer so he was off the hook - and yes, he got a huge lecture from me! :irked:

If things work out, GREAT! People do change their minds. I also think it's VERY hard to stay away when you have that chemistry :loveeyes:

[California]

This may sound totally off the wall, but the best relationship advice I've read recently was by the Dalai Lama in "The Art of Happiness." He suggests thinking about what is the basis of your relationship. If there's a mutual affection, kindness, compassion and consideration as the basis for the relationship, and your partner is basically a decent and caring person, then there's a good potential for happiness. If, instead, the relationship is really based on sex, or power, or money, etc., then we may be deluding ourselves into thinking it's a real caring relationship. He said something like at the beginning of a relationship there are all sorts of chemicals racing through our bodies and it can be a kind of lunacy, and you want to really make sure you are with a caring person for the right reasons so that when those chemicals settle down (boy, he said this differently but this is the gist!) you land safely in a good relationship that can grow and deepen.

What this made me think of is all the friends I've known who've made excuses for their partners at the beginning of a relationship because they were so ga ga in love they wanted to ignore the warning signs. And then after that initial six month high they found themselves in a commited relationship with guys who were jerks.

All that to say, maybe your friends just want you to make sure this is a truly kind, considerate, and caring guy before you go into that fun and crazy freefall of punk drunk love. Seems like communication would be key to figuring that out-- so talking to him a lot and really getting to know him, his friends and family and seeing how they all interact together is a really good thing.

[JBaxter]

I met DH online in 9/01 we went out in 10/01 had nearly every weekend w/ him from then on. Christmas he gave me 4 days in London we proposed in June we were married in November. Yes it felt like a runaway train and I was hanging on the top. He is the best thing that ever happened to me or my oldest 2 sons ( I was also a single mom) If there is such a thing as soul mates he is mine.

[JMS]

I kinda believe that you should go with what feels natural b/c if you try to follow certain "rules" that might come off as games to him. However I will say that I think you should try to keep in mind his level of interest and contact and try not to go over that IYKWIM. Don't be the one always calling, emailing etc - let him initiate mostly and then be yourself.

I'm really happy for you - I remember your post before and had hoped he'd come around. Have faith that things will, and have, worked out as the should AND HAVE FUN!!! (and keep us posted!!)

[JTsMom]

This may sound totally off the wall, but the best relationship advice I've read recently was by the Dalai Lama in "The Art of Happiness." He suggests thinking about what is the basis of your relationship. If there's a mutual affection, kindness, compassion and consideration as the basis for the relationship, and your partner is basically a decent and caring person, then there's a good potential for happiness. If, instead, the relationship is really based on sex, or power, or money, etc., then we may be deluding ourselves into thinking it's a real caring relationship. He said something like at the beginning of a relationship there are all sorts of chemicals racing through our bodies and it can be a kind of lunacy, and you want to really make sure you are with a caring person for the right reasons so that when those chemicals settle down (boy, he said this differently but this is the gist!) you land safely in a good relationship that can grow and deepen.

What this made me think of is all the friends I've known who've made excuses for their partners at the beginning of a relationship because they were so ga ga in love they wanted to ignore the warning signs. And then after that initial six month high they found themselves in a commited relationship with guys who were jerks.

All that to say, maybe your friends just want you to make sure this is a truly kind, considerate, and caring guy before you go into that fun and crazy freefall of punk drunk love. Seems like communication would be key to figuring that out-- so talking to him a lot and really getting to know him, his friends and family and seeing how they all interact together is a really good thing.

ITA with all of this. DH and I moved really quickly in the beginning, but that basis of true mutual respect and caring set it apart from most of my previous relationships.

[BabyMine]

I say do what works for you as long as you are fairly confident he's just not out for a piece of a$$ (unless you are too!). ;)

:yeahthat:

[cindys]

I am all about doing what you want because you are an adult but his comments about not wanting to date a single mother is something you need to keep in mind...

I made the mistake some years ago of not listening when I was told that...

I started dating someone and he told me up front that he didnt want to date a single mother but he came back and said he just needed to get used to the idea...7 yrs later I was still waiting for him to get used to the idea...I never let him meet my son because I guess I really knew in my heart he was never going to marry me although he talked about it all the time.

I finally ended that relationship and met a great guy on a blind date who understood I was a package deal and he loved my son and married me a year later.

Just be careful that you are really listening and not hearing only what you want to hear...And I can tell you that being intimate can really cloud how things "really" are....

Just giving you my experience and not to say that yours is going to be the same.

Cindy
Mama to 3 boys...19, 4 & 2 :heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat:

[pinkmomagain]

This may sound totally off the wall, but the best relationship advice I've read recently was by the Dalai Lama in "The Art of Happiness." He suggests thinking about what is the basis of your relationship. If there's a mutual affection, kindness, compassion and consideration as the basis for the relationship, and your partner is basically a decent and caring person, then there's a good potential for happiness. If, instead, the relationship is really based on sex, or power, or money, etc., then we may be deluding ourselves into thinking it's a real caring relationship. He said something like at the beginning of a relationship there are all sorts of chemicals racing through our bodies and it can be a kind of lunacy, and you want to really make sure you are with a caring person for the right reasons so that when those chemicals settle down (boy, he said this differently but this is the gist!) you land safely in a good relationship that can grow and deepen.

What this made me think of is all the friends I've known who've made excuses for their partners at the beginning of a relationship because they were so ga ga in love they wanted to ignore the warning signs. And then after that initial six month high they found themselves in a commited relationship with guys who were jerks.

All that to say, maybe your friends just want you to make sure this is a truly kind, considerate, and caring guy before you go into that fun and crazy freefall of punk drunk love. Seems like communication would be key to figuring that out-- so talking to him a lot and really getting to know him, his friends and family and seeing how they all interact together is a really good thing.

I agree with this.

After 3 mos, my dh started talking about marriage -- so we felt strongly quickly.On our first date, I felt the chemistry and all the clicking between us...yet I was very conscious of putting the brakes on. In fact I consciously cut the date short because I was afraid we were talking soooo much we'd have nothing left for a 2nd date! As much as I was crazy about him, I waited for him to call me. I waited for sex. I'm a sensitive person and wanted to move cautiously before handing my heart to him.

I'm sure your friends/family are simply concerned that you not get hurt, but I'm also sure they are thrilled that you've found someone your connect with.

[justlearning]

It sure would be great if this man turns out being the man of your dreams and a wonderful father one day to your son.

But unfortunately it may not work out that way. From what you've shared, the facts seem to be that he asked you out on one date in January already knowing that you were a single mom. But he never asked you out for a second date after that and gave you the excuse that he can't deal with the fact that you're a single mom. Then 2 months later he asks you out for a second date.

In all those hours that you've talked, has he talked about what's happened from Jan. until now? Has he seemed 100% truthful in everything that he's said to you? Was he dating someone else, recently broke up, and decided to give you another try?

I'm guessing that based on the physical chemistry you had with him on your first date, he may have predicted that he would be able to share more than just dinner with you on your second date. He also likely knows that you're really into him. Thus, he may have contacted you again to satisfy his ego and sexual desires.

Now he may be the best man in the world with the best intentions who came to his senses, realized how incredible you are, and how he might actually enjoy being a dad after all.

So the best way to determine what his true intentions are IMO is to stop being intimate with him. Tell him that you really want to work on building a friendship with him first. Tell him that you also want for him to be able to assess if he wants to keep dating a single mom without having the physical aspect clouding the decision. If he is still dating you two months from now, then I think that would be a very good sign. If he stops dating you before then, then I think that also can be telling.

Now, of course, if you just want to have fun and don't care what his intentions are, then you can keep enjoying the ride you're on. But I think that your friends and family who are encouraging you to slow down may be doing so because they don't want to see you hurt. From what you posted on here, it sounds like you were already quite hurt when he didn't want to ask you for a second date. So they probably don't want to see you feeling even more hurt if he breaks it off with you after you've developed more of a relationship with him.

[jellibeans]

My friends IRL keep telling me to slow down, but for the life of me I don't know how.

Are they all married and forget what it was in the beginning of a relationship?!?!?! Go for it! Enjoy yourself and have no regrets. Why should you slow down? It's not like you are 18 years old and just getting out into the world! You probably know what you want and know what you like.
I say go full steam ahead...but that's my personality;)

[siri]

deleted for privacy. Thanks for the help.