was this greedy?

[newbiemom]

DS1 (6 yrs old) got a gift card to a toy store as a prize at school. He then gave it right to a friend who asked for it (this all happened the same day). When I found out, (the teacher wrote a note asking that we let DS1 pick out a special treat with the gift card) I left a message with the mom of his friend to ask for it back ( I have no idea how much is on the card). Was this greedy of me to ask for it back? I didn't really think it was, but a friend that I should have just let it go. Now I'm feeling a little bad, that I'm seeming greedy, but I didn't intend to. I just thought that if DS1 earned it, I'd like him to be able to get something for it.

So, what do you think? I'd do a poll, but i can't figure out how to do one!

[dec756]

this is a real tough one. i dont think it is right to ask for it back because you son had 'given it away' already. since there is nothing you can really do about it now, there is no since in fretting. i would talk to ds and ask him why he gave it away, etc. and ask him to please run it by you first next time he wants to offer something to someone.

[happy2bamom]

I don't think it is greedy. If I were the other parent I would immediately give it back. I agree, your DS earned it ! It was sweet of your DS to give it to his friend, but I would tell him that in the future he needs to discuss gift giving with you in advance (IMHO)

[ohsara430]

I don't think it's greedy, you can always tell the other mom your DS asked about it and that's why you called to ask for it.

[cuca_]

I don't think it is greedy. If I were the other parent I would immediately give it back. I agree, your DS earned it ! It was sweet of your DS to give it to his friend, but I would tell him that in the future he needs to discuss gift giving with you in advance (IMHO)

:yeahthat:

[Melanie]

If you think that the boy who asked, was doing so in a kind and honest manner, and the gift of it from your son was responded to in the same way, I would have left it alone. (Meaning, it wasn't a bullying situation).

I think it was a generous move of your son and if the teacher asked what he chose with it, I would have responded proudly that he decided to give it to his friend. I realize that was not the intention of the teacher or wish of you but not a poor move on his part and he should be commended for it.

ETA: And yes, if I were the other parent I would definitely give it back and be somewhat embarrassed, depending upon the age, that my child had asked for it.

[Ceepa]

If I were the other parent I would wonder why my kid came home with a GC. Once I found out "friend" gave it for no apparent reason, e.g., not a birthday gift, it would immediately be returned.

I can see both sides to this. But I would probably ask for it back.

[AnnieW625]

I don't think that's greedy at all.

[Smillow]

Does your son understand what a gift card is? I can see a 6 year old looking at a piece of plastic & thinking, "What's so great about this? You want it, BF? Here."

[tiapam]

I don't think you were being unreasonable. IMO it was a bad idea for the teacher/school to use something like that as a prize because what happened seems pretty normal to me for that age group.

[edurnemk]

It depends on how the friend asked for it. If he was bullied or pressured into giving him the gift card then I'd talk to the other mom. But otherwise, I think I'd let it be, since it was your DS's decision to give him the card. If he changed his mind, it could be a teaching moment about standing up for himself, or that you can't take a gift back.

Now, if I was the other mom, I'd make my kid give it back, or at least offer to do so. But if she doesn't, I think you should just let it go.

[baileygirl]

I voted "no" and if I were the other mom, I would return it. I am guessing your son, doesn't know what a gc is and the other boy does? If it wasn't very much, I would probably just give ds a gc for the same amount. It is always tough, because you want to encourage sharing/thing of others...but you also don't want your child to be taken advantage of either.

[g-mama]

I would not feel bad about asking for it back. The other mom should want to return it to you.

[wellyes]

6 is tough. A little younger, definitely ask for it back. A little older, not having the gift card becomes a lesson learned. At 6, it really depends on the child's temperament and relationship with the other boy.

[KrisM]

Does your son understand what a gift card is? I can see a 6 year old looking at a piece of plastic & thinking, "What's so great about this? You want it, BF? Here."

Yeah, I don't think my 6.5 year old DS would have a clue.

[ett]

Does your son understand what a gift card is? I can see a 6 year old looking at a piece of plastic & thinking, "What's so great about this? You want it, BF? Here."

This is my thought too, which is why I don't think it's greedy to ask for it back.

[ShanaMama]

Haven't read all the responses but I don't think you were being greedy. DD1 is just a bit younger & she & her friends 'give each other prizes' all the time. I have informed her several times that she needs to check with me before giving things away to friends, but sometimes I still need to intervene & say that Mommy doesn't let you give that away. The kids see things the other ones have & they just start negotiating for them, not understanding true value.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't think it's greedy. I wonder if the other DC even plans to use it, it's probably in his treasure trove along with rocks, marbles, and string. :) If I were the other mom I would absolutely want to know, and would give it back without hesitation.

[Fairy]

If I were the other parent I would wonder why my kid came home with a GC. Once I found out "friend" gave it for no apparent reason, e.g., not a birthday gift, it would immediately be returned.

I can see both sides to this. But I would probably ask for it back.

What shes said. DS came home with a Gonzo action figure like thing last year wrapped up in tissue paper and a goodie bag, and I was like what's this? It was actually in his folder, which I just gathered all the stuff out of daily and went thru at home. He didn't know where he got it, it just appeared in his folder. I asked the teachers and random parents in his class if they were the givers, and no one could explain a thing. And no one every came to me about it. It was a mystery. I still feel like some kid got shafted. So, I really wonder what the parents of the kid who brought home that card are thinking.

[sewarsh]

You could always buy something really small for the other boy with the gift card. that's what i would do.

[newbiemom]

Well, I'm relieved the majority are feeling that I was okay in asking for it back, because as I sit here not hearing back from the mom, I'm feeling a little small...

Upon further conversation, DS1 said he gave it to friend because he "already got one" for his birthday (true) but when I explained what a gift card was for, he seemed rather surprised. So I don't think he understood at all what it was for. I don't really know his friend, but I don't think DS1 was bullied, just clueless. And he tends to give things to people so that they'll be his friends. It's happened before, but just with smaller things like erasers, candy, etc.

Anyways, part of me is feeling a little sick, because DS1 really likes this boy and I'm hoping I didn't mess things up with the mom and she thinks I'm horrible and won't want DS1 to play with him anymore.

Thanks for your understanding!

[wendmatt]

Maybe she'll just send it back to school with her ds. If she's a decent type she won't mind at all that you asked, I think you were perfectly justified. DD used to give stuff away without asking and we had a talk about checking with me first.

[citymama]

I hate to say it, but the friend might not even have it any longer. Kids don't get the value of pieces of plastic. He may have dropped it, given it to another kid, misplaced it. Or he may not think to tell his mom about it - or say that Billy gave this to me, but she may not realize it has any value (dd picks up blank gift cards each time we go to target and pretends they're her credit cards).

If your son does realize what he gave away, he should be commended for his generosity. But I totally hear why you reached out to the other mom - I'm sure she will understand. Your son sounds very kind! I hope you find the missing card!

[ThreeofUs]

Look, kids this age don't have boundaries. You did a reasonable thing asking for it back; if I were the other mom, I'd be wondering where my kid got it.

Now, a really *nice* thing to do would be discuss it with your son (if indeed you get the card back) and take the other child out for a gift for both of them with the card.

[gatorsmom]

If you think that the boy who asked, was doing so in a kind and honest manner, and the gift of it from your son was responded to in the same way, I would have left it alone. (Meaning, it wasn't a bullying situation).

I think it was a generous move of your son and if the teacher asked what he chose with it, I would have responded proudly that he decided to give it to his friend. I realize that was not the intention of the teacher or wish of you but not a poor move on his part and he should be commended for it.

.

:yeahthat: I'd be so proud that my son thought of someone else's happiness over his own.

[longtallsally05]

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for it back. My 5 yo DD just wrapped up a DVD remote control and gave it to her Sunday school teacher this weekend. I guess she just likes to make other people happy. You bet I'm asking for it back!

[Octobermommy]

I would definitely ask for it back. If I were the other kids mother I would ask were he got the gift card and when he said "from my friend", I would call you or the teacher and ask for the details and get it back to your ds.

[bigpassport]

The other mother should be very understanding. I would be horrified to find out my child asked his friend to give him something he just won.

[klwa]

DS is 5. His best friend will ask for anything DS has & expect to be given it. I regularly have to ask Friend to give back something that DS doesn't have the right to give away. Friend is just much more forceful than DS. I see this in much the same line. (Can you tell I'm not a huge fan of Friend?)

[momm]

Of course you were right in asking for it back. The other mom should've called you as soon as she got to know of it. (Perhaps she's just busy, so don't fret already)

Your little son didn't understand the concept of a gift card, as you said. So it was given in mistake. Please don't feel guilty about it!

[egoldber]

I agree you should ask for it back and the cynic in me wonders if it was entirely innocent. :o


DS is 5. His best friend will ask for anything DS has & expect to be given it.

Yes, my younger DD's best friend is EXACTLY like this. "Can I have this? Well then can A buy me this for my birthday?" Really?


The other mom should've called you as soon as she got to know of it.

Well, I don't go through my kid's backpack every day. I did when she was younger but I can assure you that MANY MANY people do not ever go through their kid's backpack. So the mom may not be aware at all unless the other kid happened to volunteer the info. And even then, coming through the 6 year old filter, it could easily be a very garbled message. Personally, I would not expect to get it back.

[Melaine]

Gosh, yes, you should ask for it back. I think the mom should have a head's up that her child might possibly be asking other people for stuff that they shouldn't. I might be a little harsh, but I think most 6 year olds are old enough to know not to ask for something that someone just received as a prize or gift. I know that I would have never thought that was ok as a kid.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My ds1 has a habit of giving things to people if they ask, even if it is a really nice item. While it is kind of him I won't let him do it. Some things are too nice or expensive to give away. If my kid came home with such an item I would be uncomfortable and tell my kid to give it back. In this case, there would be no hesitation on my part about asking for it back. eta- and my honest 1st reaction to this q was the other kid was greedy. It really isn't ok to ask someone to give you something like that and I do think at that age they should know better.

Beth

[almostmom]

I think it's fine that you asked for it back, and you shouldn't worry about. This obviously isn't a black and white issue.

But I wouldn't have. I see two sides of it, because I've been on both sides.

My kids give things away, especially DS, and he has for years. Every time he loses a tooth, he gives half the money to his sister, "because she doesn't have as much money as him." At first I told him he should keep it, but he insisted, and it makes him feel good. He's not buying her love with it (she already adores him, and he her), but it just feels right in the world to him. He gets money, and what it can buy, so it's not like an unknown act. He also gives her candy from goody bags he gets at bday parties, and that is a HOT comodity in our house. He just likes sharing. DD also likes giving things to her friends at school, books that she isn't too interested in, but she thinks they'd like (for example, one on outer space). I think this is a really nice gesture, and while I make sure she wants to do it, I don't discourage it once we've had the discussion.

The other side. Last fall DS came home with a bunch of tickets to a school carnival happening over the weekend. I knew the tickets cost money, and that parents could buy them ahead of time, but we had not done so. It was hard to figure out from DS how he'd come into possession of them, though it did seem like a kid gave them to him. So I emailed the teacher and let her know that I had the tickets and wanted to give them back to their rightful owner. She was not able to figure out who that was (no parent called in asking for them - they were worth maybe $10), so I let it go. I did talk to DS about it extensively to make sure they weren't taken under duress, but he pleaded innocent to the last moment, and I had to believe him.

So I think if a parent feels awkward about a kid receiving a gift that they didn't earn, they'll contact you. And I think it's nice when kids want to give things to their friends, as long as it's something they chose.

Again, I think it's fine to ask for it back, but I would not have.

[KpbS]

Well, I don't go through my kid's backpack every day. I did when she was younger but I can assure you that MANY MANY people do not ever go through their kid's backpack. So the mom may not be aware at all unless the other kid happened to volunteer the info. And even then, coming through the 6 year old filter, it could easily be a very garbled message. Personally, I would not expect to get it back.

I agree with this. I would definitely ask b/c there is a good chance the mother knows nothing about the g/c. The child could have forgotten to mention it or misplaced it or delivered a vague explanation for it.

[artvandalay]

I would have definitely asked for it back, especially since you do not know how much is on the card. Your child won this prize.

Also if I were the other mom, I would not have accepted it and called you to return it.

[stefani]

I think either way is fine.

DS is 7.5 years old and in 1st grade. He has come home with things from friends and I did not insist that he returns them (they are not big things), but I did ask where he got them from. We have talked with him in the past that he needs to talk with either DH or me before giving things to a friend. He was pressured to give something to a friend because he broke friend's marker. While we encourage generosity, something like that was more like bullying.

While I ask him to go through his backpack daily and I cleaned it almost weekly, if DS comes home with a gift card I don't think I would insist on returning it, especially if DS says that a friend gave it to him. On the other hand, I will not be offended if the other parent asks for it back.

Good luck!

[ThreeofUs]

Well, I'm relieved the majority are feeling that I was okay in asking for it back, because as I sit here not hearing back from the mom, I'm feeling a little small...


So, do tell! Did you get a call back?

[essnce629]

Does your son understand what a gift card is? I can see a 6 year old looking at a piece of plastic & thinking, "What's so great about this? You want it, BF? Here."

That's what I was thinking too.

[baileygirl]

Did you hear back from the other mom?