How many support people are in your life?

[gracielaw]

Friends/family. People who you could call at 3am to come watch your kids in case of an emergency? Someone you trust your children with if anything happened to you?

My husband and I have no one. We are not in contact with any of our families (Lonngggg stories there. Suffice to say we've both been hurt by people who should have loved us the most). We have no close friends. We're nice people (No, really. We are! lol). We just don't seem to be the type that make strong connections with people. We have nobody that we can rely on. It makes filling out the in case of emergency form at school hard. Besides me and DH, there isn't anyone. It's sad I know.

I'm sure we're in the minority so I was just wondering how many people were in your lives?

[DietCokeLover]

We really have no one near us. My BFF lives in Alaska and my parents are 1000 miles away. DH's brother is 2000 miles from us. DH's dad is 1/2 mile away, but he and his wife (NOT DH's mother) are worthless and have never once done anything to help us.

It makes it difficult for us as well. We have a couple of people who live an hour from us that could help us out in a pinch, but often, it requires us taking the children to them, rather than them coming to us.

Frustrating.

[SpaceGal]

We don't really have anyone either. I have one good friend down the street that could take our kids if they were dropped off to her but she wouldn't be able to get them since she does day care during the day so she couldn't go pick them up or come get them if you know what I mean.

She's probably my only emergency person...but even then I feel bad writing her down too.

DH has his cousin nearby but his wife is kind of inflexible and we wouldn't really ask them/her to do much.

So it's just us really...it sucks but we do what we can. We aren't all that close to our families...my mom is down state and DH's family is all over the US and forget his parents. Anyways, like you...we're nice people (at least I think we are)...but just haven't really forge those life death bonds with too many.

[JoyNChrist]

A lot. We live within 30 miles of pretty much all of my and DH's family (including extended family like great aunts and uncles, cousins, etc). While we have different levels of closeness with all of them, and I like some more than others, I would trust pretty much any of them with my children and know that I could rely on them in an emergency. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 20 people I could call at 3am if there were an emergency, and they would drop everything to come help us.

Friends, not so much. We have a few close friends who we can count on, but we seem to collect more acquaintances than close friends. But with family we don't really need close friends as much, I guess.

There are many things that make me want to leave the area where we live, but I don't think I could ever take my kids away from our family. Their help in invaluable, and I think there's something really special about growing up so close to so many people who love you just because of who you are.

[scrooks]

We may be moving within a year and this is one of my fears! Right now honestly we don't have many close friends but we luckily have a couple places to take DC in case of emergency. Our day care provider lives 2 min. away and I wouldnt hesitate to call her. We would probably call SIL next but she lives a good half hour away. My dad or our one set of very good friend would be our next call. If we move we will have no one.

[pinkmomagain]

My mom has done this. Come in the middle of the night. She lives about 10-15 min away. My sister has a family of her own, but she or my BIL would also do this and they are the same distance away.

So I would say 3 people I know I could count on for a middle of the nite emergency.

[mommylamb]

That must be a really difficult thing to deal with. It's so hard to be a parent, but so much harder without an extended network of people to help out. We are really lucky. My parents live an hour away and my sister and BIL live 15 minutes from us. We also have a number of friends that I wouldn't hesitate to call at 3 am and ask them to take DS if we needed to (though, my first call would be to my sister), and I would hope they would call me at 3 am if they needed help too. But, DH's family all live in England, so unfortunately they're really far.

[YouAreTheFocus]

You are definitely not alone in this! In my family, I only have my mom and my brother left, and my mom is 3000 mi away, my brother 500. My husband has a big family, but they are all 2000 mi away. We only have one friend locally that we could call on in an emergency, and it would really have to be an emergency, b/c I would feel pretty weird about it. If we are sick, in the hospital, whatever problems, it is just me & my husband to take care of things. As others have said, yes it can be pretty stressful at times.

As for who we would trust our baby with if something happened to us, I have no idea. We haven't picked anyone yet b/c it is slim pickins.

[edurnemk]

My parents would be the ones to call at 3 am (my mom came at 6 am when I had to take a plane to another city when DH was diagnosed with thrombosis while on a business trip). And I'm pretty certain my BFF from HS would come, too. I've asked my aunts to babysit on a few occasions.

DH would say we could call his parents, but there's like 20 people I'd call before them if it was up to me.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't have any relatives here, or friends who live super close. But you might be surprised at how willing some people are to help. I found out from two recent experience that my neighbors would really step up for me. Both times I was desperate, and without hesitation they helped out. So, you may have more support than you realize. :)

[lmh2402]

A lot. We live within 30 miles of pretty much all of my and DH's family (including extended family like great aunts and uncles, cousins, etc). While we have different levels of closeness with all of them, and I like some more than others, I would trust pretty much any of them with my children and know that I could rely on them in an emergency. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 20 people I could call at 3am if there were an emergency, and they would drop everything to come help us.

Friends, not so much. We have a few close friends who we can count on, but we seem to collect more acquaintances than close friends. But with family we don't really need close friends as much, I guess.

There are many things that make me want to leave the area where we live, but I don't think I could ever take my kids away from our family. Their help in invaluable, and I think there's something really special about growing up so close to so many people who love you just because of who you are.

:yeahthat:

pretty much exactly

though i would say that we do have good friends - people we love and have been friends with for a long time...would absolutely call them more than acquaintances

but i wouldn't call them for a 3am emergency.

probably b/c i would call any one of my family members first and would surely be able to get someone before i needed to call a friend.

i'm sorry you're feeling as though you're lacking support. but i would bet that you've got more support than you realize. it's amazing what people will do for one another in times of need. i think you might truly be surprised. :hug: :hug:

[Jo..]

We are the support people in someone else's life. Our wonderful neighbors. They are in their late 60s and are in poor health. The DH only has one arm and has heart trouble. The DW is in a wheelchair and on oxygen. She was just released from the hospital after 2.5 months (stroke and seizures), much of it in the ICU.

They are our best friends here. I cook dinner for them 4-5 times per wek and visit almost daily. They would watch my kids all day every day and love them to death, but I would never leave them for more than an hour due to the health issues.

I feel fortunate to have them, and I know it is unsual, but we moved here thousands of miles from everyone, and they are my family now.

[justlearning]

I'm sorry that you're feeling alone now. As a PP said, you may be surprised at how many people would reach out to help you if needed. We experienced this firsthand when DS1 was diagnosed with cancer and we needed help in watching DS2. (Our family would help but they all live out of state.)

Is there a church or some other community organization that you come become a part of? Most of are really good friends are from our church.

[maestramommy]

Well, for everyday emergencies we have two neighbors that we could call on. They are on our kids' school forms as emergency contacts. We also have extended family in Mass, and Dh's family in particular is more accessible, so if we needed something that wasn't totally urgent they could probably help us out.

I also belong to a local moms network, and I'll tell you, these women would do a lot to help a fellow mom, even someone they don't know. In the last year a couple of families have been hit with a catastrophe, and the network really got to work, raising money, bringing meals daily, etc. I signed up and brought a meal to a family when the mom broke both her wrists in a fall. I never met the woman before that. I'm also signed up to bring a meal to another family because the mom broke her back a couple of weeks ago. I don't know her either, but I guess it's what people do here. It's a smaller community so everybody knows somebody.

[momof2girls]

Hmmm...good question. I have no one for general babysitting if something were to come up. For a true emergency (and it would have to be a big one) I could call on my sister who is 35 mins away or possibly my mom who is also 35mins away or my friend who is a block away.
A support person as in a person I could call to watch the kids while I run errands, no one.

[ohsara430]

Well in the fall we moved over 5 hours away from all of our friends and family for a job relo. Well actually my brother lives about 10 minutes away, we're particularly close, but if I needed him and he was available he'd help in a heartbeat. He travels for work about 95% of the time and has only been in his house for 20 nights so far this year so if an emergency happens on the rare occasion that he's here he'd help otherwise we'd be SOL and I'd have to figure something else out. We're starting to find a church and meet more neighbors now that spring is around the corner so I'm sure we'll meet at least a neighbor who could help in a real pinch. I find people are willing to help in an urgent situation if you just ask - I know I'd help someone out even if I didn't know them all that well it's just what you do.

[AngelaS]

We have a lot of friends here that we can call on for help. :) We moved here 6 years ago not knowing a soul and now we're surrounded with people we'd trust more than some family members. :)

[bubbaray]

We don't really have anyone we can call either. DH's dad and SM live about 6h away (ferry, drive, have to travel via ferry schedule).

We have local friends, but most of them don't have kids or their kids are MUCH older. It would have to be a life-threatening crisis for me to call any of them.

We've really really tried to establish some connections, but it just doesn't seem to work out. I try not to think about it.

[lalasmama]

My partner is it... If he and I were to die at the same time, I have no idea where La would go.

As far as other close support people in our lives... Partner has a strong family that is nearby, and has fully accepted La and I. However, I wouldn't call them at 3am unless it was directly related to SO or DSD-types.... I have an aunt that lives close enough (3 towns over), but, again, not the one I feel comfortable calling at 3am. .... My BFF has been shying away recently, as typically happens in our relationship over the years, and she just can't be there in an emergency. I have a few good, casual friends, but no one exceptionally involved.

Support people as far as "Oh crap, school's closing because of the anticipated snow storm!", my DSD-types are available and willing, we have an occasional nanny, and SO.

And yet, somehow, I still feel over-worked and under-supported! (Thanks :) This actually proved a good reminder that I am very blessed and supported.)

[Pyrodjm]

We are blessed to have quite a few: my MIL lives with us so she obviously tops the list, my parent and sister live 5 minutes away. In a pinch my brother, SIL and a couple of DH's relatives all live near us. I have one friend that would without a doubt leave her job in the middle of the day if I called and said it was urgent. If one of us was hurt she would be over here before I could finish explaining the situation. There are also a few members of our congregation that would most likely be willing to help.

We have lived in the same general areas for our whole lives and see extended family regularly. This makes a big difference, I suppose.

[ThreeofUs]

No relatives at all around. We have designated two families (one our neighbors, not super-close friends but we help each other out, and one friends that adore DSs) to be emergency contacts.

We have the emergency contact sheets in our cars, and I carry a copy on me. JIC.

[jent]

I was just considering this the other day, how tough it's been to make connections in our adult life. My mom lives close to us now (1/2 hr) but we are going to move in a few months and will be about 1.5-2 hours away. After the move I will be closer to my sister & her family-- probably about 1/2-1 hour away. Dad is about 4 hours away, the IL's are 5 hours away.

But local close friends- I have many acquaintances, but no 3am-worthy friends.

[Smillow]

No relatives within 200 miles. All my friends have little ones of their own that need tending to. I have one neighbor who I could call. Considering that DH is gone at least 2 nights a week, it is a good reminder that we should just have one DC! That first 18 months was brutal without help.

[niccig]

I don't have any relatives here, or friends who live super close. But you might be surprised at how willing some people are to help. I found out from two recent experience that my neighbors would really step up for me. Both times I was desperate, and without hesitation they helped out. So, you may have more support than you realize. :)

:yeahthat:

We have no family in the state, all my family are in another country. DH has friends going back to college that all moved here, he's known them for 24 years. They all did the same degree that led them to the entertainment industry. We can call on several of those, some work colleagues of DH (he's known them for 13 years) and then we have friends whose kids play with DS. There's a hierarchy of who we would call first - middle of the night would be DS's godparents, middle of the day and something house related a retired colleague of DH - he drove to our house when we were on vacation to board up a window that got broken by a falling tree branch. I could call him as well in the middle of the night if he was the only one I could reach.

I will jump in and help them all out in a pinch...and they'll do the same. Eg. one mother in DS's class emailed about a carpool to get her DD to an art class that my son and his friend do. The mother works and said she could take it in turns every other week - we told her that between us we can get all 3 kids to the class every week as neither of us work/go to school that day. She's very thankful and has said she'll return the favour another time. I'm already going to the art class to take either DS or his friend, so having another child in the car for the 10 min ride is not a big deal at all.

Maybe offering to help someone with something small to start with, will start the process of helping and getting help.

[niccig]

I was just considering this the other day, how tough it's been to make connections in our adult life.

I've found starting school has really helped with the making friends. We have one family from DS's preschool that we really hit it off with. DS's school has a lot of parent involvement - we've had a couple of parent wine nights with our class. We all got babysitters or had one parent stay at home and the others went to a wine bar for a wine tasting.

Anyway, don't give up on adult friends yet.

[longtallsally05]

We're in the same boat here. I have a neighbor listed on my school emergency pick-up form and another set of neighbors that I would cringe to call @ 3 am, but I would call them if it were a matter of life or death. Most likely, we'd probably just load everyone in the car and head to the ER together. If it were a daytime crisis, I'd call one of my fellow church babysitting coop mothers to see if I could drop my kids there or if one of them could come over. I'd owe a lot of beads & have to work at earning them back!

DH is active duty military and this is a remote assignment for DH's career field; we're three hours from the nearest support base and an entire day's drive away from his actual squadron. During the last deployment, I listed my husband's commander on my school emergency form because if something had happened to me, it would have gone thru DH's chain of command anyway before he would have been notified.

Both my parents & ILs are a two-day drive away, my sister lives over 4,000 miles away, and my brother is out of state too. All our dear friends from our previous assignment are scattered throughout other states, all a four to eight hour drive away. I really feel the loss of my network of friends; it was great at our last assignment. When I had to take DH to the hospital for emergency surgery once, we literally drove up to a friends house (without notice) and dropped off DD on the way to the ER. They were such awesome friends; they kept her for 24 hours. I have also kept friend's children under similar circumstances on more than one occasion. Now we're a military family in an all-civilian world, and it is a pretty lonesome place sometimes because we move too often to establish long-term relationships.

[crl]

I am very lucky. There are at least four people nearby who would help me out in the middle of the night. I have a couple of other people who would, but just are not physically close enough to do so. We are pondering a move and i hate the thought of giving up our support network. We have moved a lot and for me developing this kind of network has been partly luck and partly work. I am not at all sure I will be able to build a new one, at least not as strong of one.

We have already confirmed my bil and sil are willing to be guardians for our kids.

Catherine

[golightly1118]

I wish we had closer support. My parents and IL's both live across the country, so we're pretty much on our own. We've been lucky during DD's first year-she's healthy, and we've been healthy and haven't needed any help. But, I'm sure there will come a time when we need middle of the night help and there will be none :(

[gatorsmom]

At our last house, there were a few couples who had kids our age that I could have called in an emergency, but we really didn't have a lot of friends even after 8 years there.

Amazingly, we've been at our rental house here for 3 months and I've already built up a network. I never expected this. Last week, when my brother called me from my dad's house letting me know that he found my dad dead in his bed, I called a mom whose son is in Cha cha's class and she came over immediately to watch the twins. I then called the boys' school and the principal of the school immediately called a priest and gave him directions to Dad's house to pray over him. Then she arranged a pickup for Cha Cha who is in morning preschool (she arranged for the classmate's dad who happens to be a doctor, to pick up Cha cha and bring him to our house. Cha Cha has been skiing with this classmate and his dad for the past 4 weekends). Then the principal actually came HERSELF to my dad's house and held me up while the priest prayed with me, my brother, my aunt, the principal and me over my dad's body. And within 3 days, the school had mothers coming over with meals for us. It was the most incredible outpouring of support I've ever seen (besides from you guys here on the BBB).

Because of this incredible network of supportive, caring people, (and the incredible quality of the education there), we are seriously considering moving here permanently.

[citymama]

I have ILs and a sibling within an hour, and dh's sibling within 15 minutes. That said, the person 15 minutes away is the one I'm least close to. I've felt uprooted from my network of 3 am friends since we moved west. We have no friends here of that kind. My true 3 am people (my folks and extended family other than one sib) live thousands of miles away and I miss them like crazy. I'm hoping we'll be able to build close friendships in our new community.

[kijip]

My dad
My brother and his husband
3 couples and 2 single friends

So all told more than 10 people. More if I were to factor all of the people who we help and support and vice versa but just not with the last minute, 3am factor stuff. More like the come over for dinner and commiserate about your job search or child challenges.

[crl]

At our last house, there were a few couples who had kids our age that I could have called in an emergency, but we really didn't have a lot of friends even after 8 years there.

Amazingly, we've been at our rental house here for 3 months and I've already built up a network. I never expected this. Last week, when my brother called me from my dad's house letting me know that he found my dad dead in his bed, I called a mom whose son is in Cha cha's class and she came over immediately to watch the twins. I then called the boys' school and the principal of the school immediately called a priest and gave him directions to Dad's house to pray over him. Then she arranged a pickup for Cha Cha who is in morning preschool (she arranged for the classmate's dad who happens to be a doctor, to pick up Cha cha and bring him to our house. Cha Cha has been skiing with this classmate and his dad for the past 4 weekends). Then the principal actually came HERSELF to my dad's house and held me up while the priest prayed with me, my brother, my aunt, the principal and me over my dad's body. And within 3 days, the school had mothers coming over with meals for us. It was the most incredible outpouring of support I've ever seen (besides from you guys here on the BBB).

Because of this incredible network of supportive, caring people, (and the incredible quality of the education there), we are seriously considering moving here permanently.

What a blessing.

Catherine

[DebbieJ]

I have my sister and 2 close friends.

I would NEVER EVER EVER call my mother.

Ooh, probably two of my neighbors, too.

[fumofu]

My parents and IL's are close by, so are my two sisters. I also have two mommy friends who I can call if I really need their help. Everyone lives 20 minutes to an hour away. We are very lucky we live so close to family.

[MontrealMum]

DH's family, who all live nearby, have proven to be next to useless when it really counts. Whereas my parents, who live a 12 hour car ride away in another country, are willing to hop on a plane - no matter the cost - whenever it's absolutely necessary. So, in my book nearby does not necessarily equal helpful.

But I'm also agreeing with TwinFoxes that you might be surprised at the people nearby who are willing to help out. If we were truly stuck, or both hauled out of here in some sort of emergency, I do not doubt for a second that one, or several, of our neighbors would help out with DS. Even the grumpy ones :D They are all very friendly, and even though we are on a name/nodding basis only, I'm sure they would do it if it was necessary. I'm also certain that we could call on several of the families that DS goes to daycare with if it was a true emergency. It's really part of the culture where we live and we did not *get* it until we moved out of the anglo part of the city. I know that we would do it for them as well, but that's me talking as a Midwesterner, not DH talking as an Anglo-Quebecker...the cultural divides here are quite vast and surprising. DH comes from the anglo culture which is very much hands-off and a little standoffish and it's been a huge learning experience for him to be married to me ;) and also to be living in this part of the city.

[MoJo]

At 3 am, I'm quite sure no one would come.

I know this because when Ha was born (at around 6:30 in the evening) I couldn't get ANYONE to watch JellyBean even for a very short time, even after calls to at least four people who had previously agreed to be on that call list.)

All of our family and formerly close friends live in other states. All of our current local friends are surrounded by lots of their own family living close by, which means by default that they are not as close to us.

With a longer term situation (like help after my surgery), that I can get help with from several sources. But a spur of the moment problem, we're on our own.

[klwa]

*hugs* I feel a lot the same way, but we ARE lucky enough to have family close by. We have 1 couple (about our parents' age) that we rely on for babysitting, etc, and were willing to take DS when DD was born. (Although DH's parents were in the list, too, K&R were the ones I wanted to call when I went into labor. But, DH took him over to his parents instead.)