She's a control freak

[Clarity]

My 4 1/2 yr old that is. I have a very bright dd and I'm wondering if there's anything that I can do to work with her a bit on her rather dominating personality. Specifically, I'm referring to her behavior when playing with friends, no detail is left in question, she is going to direct everyone on how things should be done.

I imagine that this kind of dominating play can be normal her age, but I wonder if she takes it to extreme. I was listening to her play with her 2yr old sister and the entire game was a rapid fire list of instructions for her sister to follow. She does the same thing to me and honestly, I've had moments where I don't want to play because the rules just keep multiplying. I have talked to her about trying to play with people without "bossing them around". I've tried to explain how creative (without rules) play is GOOD and necessary to learn and explore. I've tried to explain how hard it can be for her friends to have FUN if they have to follow dd's imposed rules. Nothing I've said has sunk in yet.

I feel for her. She herself is a rule follower. Rules are important to her, structure is important to her, so I can see how she transfers that import to a play encounter but I really would like to her relax and enjoy play more. I could really use some suggestions.

[lalasmama]

My DD is a bit older (just turned 7), but noticed this the last few years between her and her friends. A typical play date seems to sound like: "Let's pretend this, and you do this, and you say this, and I say this, and you say this, then you do this, I will do this, then you do this, and do this, and say this, and play with this like this, not like that!, and then do this..." and on it goes for (seemingly!) hours. We've had some minor success with repeating what she's saying, and how she says it, not in a mocking tone, but just so she stops, looks, listens, and hopefully can thing about what she's hearing/saying. It also helps that a current playmate is just as dominant, so they go back and forth, and, with gentle reminders, occasionally, they general see how it feels to be bossed about.

Especially when it's play time, I see those little cogs in her brain spinning a million miles a second, and she has to get her whole idea out before she forgets it, so it just comes out in a constant stream of how her idea goes. I don't think she really realizes what she's doing, which is why I model it back to her (gently).

[ShanaMama]

I think it's very normal. DD was more like that at 4 & it's toned down slightly now at 5 1/2. I like Lalasmama's description- that's exactly what it sounds like here! I take the approach of reminding her beforehand to speak softly (I find her tone to be the biggest rpoblem) & it occasionally helps. Guess what? I also have to remember to speak to her softly, cuz the words coming out of her mouth are often parodies of my words! Scary to hear & I hope it's a real exaggeration & I'm not that bad!
OP, I don't think your DD can possibly understand that creative play without rules is good & necessary. I would focus on making sure her friends don't feel shut down & bossed around. Like lalasmama, my daughter actually does quite well with the friends who are similar. They pretty much order each other around & it's fascinating to hear them negotiate. Seeing her order around a meeker child is much harder because that girl won't stand up for herself. In that case I need to pull her aside & remind her.

[edurnemk]

You just described my 3 yo son. Even his teachers notice, at his mid-year evaluation, they mentioned he's a bit of a perfectionist and is always correcting his friends and telling them what to do. He does the same at home, he'll even tell me and DH what to say in a conversation (not playing). I tell DH he'll probably be a movie director when he grows up :ROTFLMAO:

Anyway, I do tell him that kind of thing is bossy, and people don't like to be told what to do and say all day long. I haven't figured out any other ways to help him ease up on the bossiness, but I'll be following this thread.

[hellokitty]

Yes, I am a mom to two control freaks. DS2 and DS3 are both mega control freaks. When they play together, omg lots of screaming, whining, throwing of toys, full blown rages... :rolleye0014:

[Clarity]

A typical play date seems to sound like: "Let's pretend this, and you do this, and you say this, and I say this, and you say this, then you do this, I will do this, then you do this, and do this, and say this, and play with this like this, not like that!, and then do this..." and on it goes for (seemingly!) hours.

This is a perfect description of my dd's play. I do want to try to model less "bossy" play for her in hopes we can tone it down just a bit. I know my post might sound a bit critical but I truly don't approach dd that way. I don't want to diminish her strong personality, I just want to help her a bit as we prepare her for kindergarten in the fall. She's not going to know anyone when she starts as her preschool friends are all off to different districts. Her preschool director has indicated that dd might have some social issues because of her strong personality.