Go to the funeral or not?

[lalasmama]

I'm going to attempt to add a poll....

The basic background is that I was adopted as an infant, found my birthmom almost 2 years ago, met her and her *whole* family (her 8 sibs and their families) this summer. My birthmom's SIL died last week. I've only met her once. She (auntie) was a very nice person, very friendly, insisting that we get together more often, as we lived 30 minutes away from each other, but then she got sick this winter with pretty invasive cancer, and we never saw her again.

Her funeral is in 10 more days, so I still have plenty of time to decide, but I'm at a loss. They consider me family, but we've only met once. I'll miss her FB updates, and I feel sad about the loss... but not sure if I should go to the funeral of someone I only met once.

[kijip]

If your presence would be a comfort to your birth-mom and her family and you are comfortable, then you should go. Some people came to my mom's funeral who barely knew her, but they were people in our life and they came for us. It meant a lot to me. I have gone to funerals of close friend's family members who I did not ever meet more than in passing and my friends later told me that my attendance at the mass or service meant a lot to them.

[crl]

I think if you will miss her, you were close enough to go. And I agree that it is also appropriate to go as support for others.

Catherine

[MoJo]

My dad always said funerals are for the living. I've attended more than one funeral where I was much closer to those left behind than the deceased. . . I attended to be there for the family that was mourning.

If your birthmom would want you there (and I know for sure mine would), I would go.

[klwa]

Agree with the PPs. If you feel like it would be a comfort to the living (which includes you!), then go.

[Gena]

I'm sorry for your loss.

This is a very difficult question for a lot of adult adoptees who have reunited with their birthfamilies. It can be really tricky and there is no easy answer or right answer.

To me, the key thing is that you say your birth relatives consider you family. That is more important than the number of times you met your aunt face to face. If you feel that you have positive relationship with your relatives and your presence would comfort them, then you should go. However, if you feel that there are members of the family who will not accept your presence or who would be upset if you are there, then it may be best to not go.

I was in a similar situation few years ago when my birthmother's aunt passed away. I had only met her face to face one time, but we had exchanged letters (snail mail - low tech) quite a bit and she had shared some wonderful stories about my brithgrandmother. However, some of my birthmother's other relatives did not approve of her (birthmother) having contact with me. In many ways I am still the family's "dirty little secret". So I did not go to Aunt B's funeral becuase I knew my persence would cause division and upset within the family. I did send a small flower arrangement to the funeral home.

Each adoption reunion is unique. You know your situation best. Since you have some time, maybe you can talk to your birthmother about it.

:hug:

ETA: I did not realize before that you are both an adult adoptee and an adoptive parent. Way cool!

[KpbS]

Each adoption reunion is unique. You know your situation best. Since you have some time, maybe you can talk to your birthmother about it.
:hug:

:yeahthat:
If you are on good terms with your mother, I would check with her and then go. If not, I would skip it. I think it is perfectly fine for you to go based on what you described.