Bday party (to have or not?) & Gifts (< 5 yrs)

[PMJ]

I've recently noticed this trend and I'm just curious what you all do.. I specified for Kids under 5 yrs, b/c I'm guessing once they are in school, all kids have official "friend" bdays.

1) Did you have a bday party for DC at 1, 2, 3 yrs of age etc? .

Some of my friends not having "friend" parties at age 1 and 2 (only do it w/family) and wondered if this was a common trend? We don't have any family here, so if we were to do that, I'd feel bad for DD. Furthermore, if I were to invite these friends, I'd feel like they would think we were just calling them for gifts, since they did not officially have a bday party for their child.

2) Do you specify "No Gifts" and if so at what age parties, or does that not matter? If you do specify this, why do you do this? If I don't specify this, does that make me look greedy? .

Thanks for your thoughts.
I know I'm over-analyzing, but that's what we do, right?

:)

[SnuggleBuggles]

Get out of your head that people think you are just gift grubbing by holding a party. That thought has never crossed my mind and I feel honored to be included in celebrating birthdays! It's a special day for the family and it's great to be a part of it. At the very least it is fun to socialize with people and build friendships that might last for a long time.

1. we didn't really do friend parties for year 1 and 2, though we invited 1-2 family friends to the parties in addition to family. For 3-5yo we do X kids (and their families)/ age of the child-> 3 kid friends at 3rd b-day party. It works for me b/c I can do the cute themed stuff but not really have to pull off a big party for little kids. I'm a fan of at home parties at that age. If I were to use a venue then I would be more open to a bigger party but this works for me.

2. Honestly, I hate no gifts. I've been tempted b/c poor ds2's b-day is in Dec. but I just don't like being dictated to as a guest so I put myself in that position. I like to buy gifts- I think it's fun! (I also love to see gifts opened by the b-day kid whether in a big setting or just one on one with the gift giver(s).) I think that no gifts opens that awkward thing where someone brings a gift and the guests that followed the request then feel bad (btdt)...I'd have brought a gift if I knew I could get away with it, kwim? Gifts are fun. It isn't greedy. Just weed through your toys before b-days and holidays to make space for the new stuff. I also love to see what other people pick- some people give such cool gifts that I wouldn't have thought of. :)

Beth

[MMMommy]

I agree with PP about no gift parties. I don't like them b/c I too feel it creates an awkward situation where someone inevitably doesn't honor the request, brings a gift, and makes others feel bad for arriving empty handed. I can't tell you how many times other parents have been perplexed as to what to do in the "no gift" situation where they ask each other and everyone else that is invited on what to do. Even though the invite expressly states "no gifts," guests still are confused and uncomfortable about what to do.

I do not think it makes you look greedy to have a normal, gift party. I think it is the norm, not the exception.

[crl]

Well, I am doing a no gifts first birthday party for dd. She doesn't need anything and won't know the difference. And I want to invite a bunch of people and sure don't want that many presents. They are the norm in our neighborhood so I think the majority of the guests will be comfortable not bringing any thing.

Catherine

[AustenFan]

I'd say most of my friends have done something bigger for 1 year and then about half do friend birthdays and the other half presumably just do something with family. We also live away from family and usually do a low-key friend party.

We always specify "no gifts," but we always have a suggestion. We are picky about what our kids play with, and I don't want our friends spending money on something I'm going to be putting out for goodwill the next day. But I know people want to bring something to a party, so that's why I try to come up with an alternative for them to bring. For the kids' first birthdays, we asked everyone to bring a baby item that the kids unwrapped and then we donated to a local pregnancy center I worked with. That worked well because people didn't feel like they were coming empty handed but we didn't have to deal with a bunch of junky toys we didn't want. I was actually super excited because my center was low on diapers both times and really needed the donations--something I was able to share in the thank you notes! For 2 and 3, I just asked parents to bring a little something for a local children's shelter. Same thing--DS opened them and we talked about how we were sharing the things with children who don't have toys. (He was fine with that because my in-laws spoil him rotten and he'd gotten a huge haul from them beforehand!) DS just turned 4, and since we just had 3 little boys over, I personally emailed their moms and explained that we're about to move across the country and more toys would just be a burden to pack--instead, could they bring a picture of their son for my son to remember them by? That worked well (DS LOVES having them up in his room), but I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to get away with that sort of thing!

I personally hate it when parents don't say "no gifts" because I don't know what they want or have, and at most birthday parties my kids have been to (age 2/3), the kids are more excited about the cake and playing than the gifts, anyway. This will probably change as they get older. I don't think it looks greedy to have a party with gifts, but it's more that it's a pain to me as a parent coming up with a present unless I know the child really well and know exactly what he/she wants! I usually opt for a classic book with the gift receipt. I was invited to one birthday where the mom essentially had a mini-registry online for what kinds of toys/clothes she really wanted. That is practical (I'm a big fan of wedding/baby registries, and I'd like to get her kid something she wants her to have), but it did seem kindof greedy.

When parents say "no gifts", we always bring a card and a special picture that DS has drawn for the birthday kid. At larger parties, there's always going to be someone who ignores it and brings a gift, but I don't feel bad because I'm respecting the parents' wishes (which I assume are similar to mine) and generally in those cases, they don't open them at the party, anyway.

[sidmand]

I agree with PP about no gift parties. I don't like them b/c I too feel it creates an awkward situation where someone inevitably doesn't honor the request, brings a gift, and makes others feel bad for arriving empty handed. I can't tell you how many times other parents have been perplexed as to what to do in the "no gift" situation where they ask each other and everyone else that is invited on what to do. Even though the invite expressly states "no gifts," guests still are confused and uncomfortable about what to do.

I do not think it makes you look greedy to have a normal, gift party. I think it is the norm, not the exception.

Yes, this is pretty much exactly what happened when we tried to have a "no gift" party for DS. I don't think I would do it again. There have been a few posts over the years about "no gift" parties (with people very decidedly on one side of the fence or the other!) and you can probably search on those somehow. I would really prefer it but I know many people don't like it at all (either giving or receiving) and I'll just forget my own feelings about it for now and suck it up!

For DS I did have a 1st, 2nd, 3rd birthday (maybe the 1st was just family though. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was). For DD, she had a 1st party with only family (her birthday fell on Easter that year), the 2nd birthday was a friends one and went horribly, so we're actually only having family for her 3rd. She isn't in preschool yet and doesn't really have any "friends" herself. I felt horribly guilty since DS had one but she really won't like a friends party and at this age, it's starting to matter. So just a small, family party. I'm guessing by next year she'll have more friends and we'll likely have a friend party for 4 though.

ETA: FWIW, DD's 2nd party was the only 2nd birthday party in that group of friends and I did feel like you did and felt really bad that they were bringing her gifts when we hadn't had a party/opportunity to bring their DC gifts. I don't think anyone minded or cared or felt like that. I really wanted to have that party for her (at the time, hindsight is 20/20!). I think I might have specified "no gifts" even after the fiasco of DS's but I'd say about 1/2 the people brought gifts anyway.

[Melaine]

We went with small family party for 1 and 3 and a little bigger friend party at 2 and 4. I am vocally pro-gift. :)

[MoJo]

Well, for Jelly Bean's first and second birthdays, we just celebrated ourselves. . . . just me, DH, and her. Then she got more gifts when we made it to Grandma's (out of state) and more from my best friends. She didn't really get birthdays yet, and so I don't feel like I deprived her at all. She didn't have any friends her own age/we don't have any friends with such young children.

This year, I'm not sure. Now she is starting to understand these things, and she just started daycare last week. I'm contemplating some kind of little party with her daycare friends, but I'm also afraid that it doesn't take much to turn two birthdays (little sister turns 1 four days after Jelly Bean turns 3) into two weeks or more of birthday. Immediate family day of, daycare weekend in between, celebration with Grandma and aunt the following week.

All that being said, I hope we'll start getting invited to parties now because I'm looking forward to meeting people with young children. If you want to have a party, I think you should! But if that's not your thing, don't feel guilty.

[BeachBum]

For my oldest child we did pretty big birthday parties each year. We had a large group of playgroup type friends and included everyone.
With my twins, we just don't have the network of friends like I used too. I felt very, very sad around their birthday because I didn't feel like I had anyone to invite to their 2nd birthday that wasn't family or our regular circle of family friends.

I enjoy hosting parties and will keep throwing them. That said, now that we have 3 kids, sports, etc etc, attending parties often feels like an obligation not something I really look forward to. But my feeling is that I go when I can, and when I want to--and I hope people feel the same about attending my events.

[crl]

On the no gifts front, ds' christening party was no gifts with about thirty guests and not a single person brought a gift. And his neighborhood party last year was no gifts and no one brought one. Maybe I'm just really intimidating and people are afraid to bring one? :ROTFLMAO:

Catherine

[daisymommy]

We do a Baby's 1st Birthday party and invite family and my friends who have babies about the same age (so they all grow up as friends :)). But after that, we don't do a friend party until they are old enough to really ask for one--like maybe age 4. So for ages 2 & 3 I just have the grandparents over for dinner and cake, and we get a few balloons.

I have never been to a no-gifts party. It's just not "done" around here. We as a family don't buy toys for our kids during the year unless it's Christmas or Birthdays, and there is 6 months between each of those for my kids. So, I personally want them to be able to receive gifts. But also, kids have so much fun watching their friends open and enjoy the gifts they give each other.

[wolverine2]

We didn't have a friend party till DS was 6. At 1, 2, and 3 they have no idea they're "supposed" to have a party, and my kids are so excited about having a cake they don't care about who's there or not. Once we just invited one other family we're close with over to have pizza/cake with us, and they brought a gift.

We had gifts at the one friend party we had (partly upon recommendation of this board), and I could have done without them. I think next time we'll say no gifts. But no gifts parties are the norm here. I did make DS write thank you notes for everything, which was nice and is one of my pet peeves when there's no thank you note.

[alirebco]

DS is 3 and we've never had a friend party. For his first birthday, we had a family party but it was super low key.

I think next year, we might do a party since he's been to a bunch this year and I'm sure next year he'll want one. It's also a little harder since his birthday is December 31st so weather is bad plus a lot of people are busy/out of town.

As for gifts, that's actually the reason I didn't do parties for DS because I'm really picky about what we bring into the house and I don't like too much stuff. We'll see how we deal with it next year.

[PMJ]

We went with small family party for 1 and 3 and a little bigger friend party at 2 and 4. I am vocally pro-gift. :)

Great idea. :)


On the no gifts front, ds' christening party was no gifts with about thirty guests and not a single person brought a gift. And his neighborhood party last year was no gifts and no one brought one. Maybe I'm just really intimidating and people are afraid to bring one? :ROTFLMAO:

Catherine


That is hilarious !!! :) I like what others said - I LOVE to buy other kids gifts and heck I enjoy receiving them for DD too! :) Why not?!

[kristac]

We do 1 guest (friend) per year of age +1. So at 1 there were 2 guests, 2nd bday had 3 guests, etc. Usually they are small home parties- mostly a playdate with pizza, cake, and balloons. :) At 6 DS1 had a party at a playplace/ arcade so we did 8 friends because it was the same cost.

We allow gifts.

[egoldber]

The first rule of birthday parties is no matter what you do, someone will not like it. :) I wouldn't worry about what others think and do what you want. The biggest cardinal sin is to have a party at a meal time and not have food. IME, as long as guests are well fed, no one really cares about much else. ;)

For my older child, we did "no gift" parties until age 3. After that she got the "borthday party = presents from friends" memo, so we didn't do it after that. My younger DD got that message at 2 LOL! We have alternated over the years with family only, big friend/neighborhood parties, home parties, outside parties, no "party", etc. All are fun in various ways.

As for gifts from people when you were not invited to their parties, I would just try not to worry about it. We have people we have been to parties some years and not others and no one keeps track. And if they do, then they aren't really your friends IMO.

[MamaSnoo]

We did not have parties with friends for DD for 1 or 2. We are considering it for 3, but will only invite 4-5 little girls if we do.

I have been to a lot of 1 yr old parties, and most of them have been more adult focused (which is fine), basically an opportunity for a moderately large group of parents of young kids to get together and socialize/celebrate the milestone.

For 2-4 yo kids, I like the smaller parties at home better, with just a few friends. I think they are less overwhelming for the guest of honor. We have been to some big ones where DD left completely overstimulated (and she was onlu a guest).

As for the gifts thing; I think it depends on the norm for your circle. I totally get why someone would want to have a no gift party, and I totally get why some guests do not like them. I have also never been to a no gift party where no one brought a gift, KWIM? We have also been to a few where there was a theme requested for the gift..."bring something that.....", like books for a book swap or similar.

I think there are potential pitfalls no matter how you structure it WRT gifts. In your place, I would think about what is done most commonly in your circle, ask a few close friends IRL who would be invited how they feel about it, and try to do something that fits your group of friends and makes you feel comfortable. Someone might not like what you decide to do, but you can't please everyone all the time. Other people will think what you did is perfect.

and most importantly, HB to your LO!!!!!

[wendibird22]

DD1 is 3.5 and DD2 is 14mos, neither has had a friend party. Both have had small gatherings that include immediate family (grandparents, aunts, uncles), no extended family. We'll probably do a friend party for DD1's 4th birthday because now that she's in pre-K she started getting invites to other kids' parties and now knows they exist.

I have never been to or held a "no gift" party so I'm not sure how I feel about them.

[egoldber]

Just wanted to add that even when I've had "no gift" parties, that was not family parties. I can't imagine telling grandma not to get a gift! But more for the "random large gatherings of kids" parties.

[AnnieW625]

1) Did you have a bday party for DC at 1, 2, 3 yrs of age etc? .

For DD1's first birthday we had a small mainly family (a few close family friends came) party at my parents house a week after she turned 1, and I sent treats to daycare (banana mini muffins I think) on her actual birthday party. I got her one of the mini cakes at the store to have on her birthday. We also went over to her godparents a couple of days before and had cake and presents. For her second birthday we had a party with family and play group friends at the park. We had the family only back to our house for dinner. For her third birthday we had a friends party, and a few family members (my grandparents, and DD1's godparents) in our backyard.

For DD2's first birthday we are doing a combined birthday party with DD1 for family only two weeks prior to her first birthday, and I'll send treats to daycare (probably the banana muffins) the Monday after her birthday (as spring break is on her birthday). We will also buy her a little cake on her actual first birthday.



2) Do you specify "No Gifts" and if so at what age parties, or does that not matter? If you do specify this, why do you do this? If I don't specify this, does that make me look greedy? .

I have never done a no gifts party, although if it is requested I will not bring a gift, only a card.



Thanks for your thoughts.
I know I'm over-analyzing, but that's what we do, right?
:)

No you are not. I had similar questions last year about DD1 even having a birthday party because I was 35 weeks pregnant when she turned 4. I think I will always have WWYD questions about birthdays, and I've had a few already this year and DD1 is turning 5!

[SoloMelody]

DD turns 3 in april, and I am planning a big party (all daycare friends,other playdate friends and some of our friends who have no kids) as this is the first year she has been all excited about birthdays and cakes and the party. I dont think she gets the birthday = gift thing completely yet.

At 1 & 2 we did a family only party. So I guess I have been going to a bunch of these for 2 years now and have to have them over for DDs bday kwim?

For those of you who are dont like getting a bunch of junk toys as gifts, I suggest having a theme for gifts
- arts & crafts
- music (cds, instruments)
- pretend/dress up play
- summer/beach

Look at your current toys, purge and figure out what your child would benefit from having. This still dosent eliminate the possibility of getting junk toys but gives you somewhat a sense of control.

[tarahsolazy]

Just wanted to add that even when I've had "no gift" parties, that was not family parties. I can't imagine telling grandma not to get a gift! But more for the "random large gatherings of kids" parties.

This is us, I am totally comfortable with gifts from family and close friends.

We did not do 'friend' parties until DS turned 5, and we'll follow the same tradition with DD. We don't have family near, so the earlier bdays were (and are) celebrated by just DH, me, and the two kids. We have some traditions, and its fun.

I am all about the no-gifts for large kid parties, though. We had DS's 5th and 6th at an indoor play place with 20 kids, only one or two of which I had any relationship with the parents. So we requested no gifts on the invitations, and got only one or two each year, which were acknowledged with a thank-you.

This year we had a small party at home, and didn't specify no gifts. I am more comfortable with gifts from 5 or 6 kids than 20, for some reason.

I've never thought of a party invite as a gift-grab, though, so I don't think you have to worry about that if you choose to have parties for 1, 2, or 3 year olds.

[PMJ]

DD turns 3 in april, and I am planning a big party (all daycare friends,other

For those of you who are dont like getting a bunch of junk toys as gifts, I suggest having a theme for gifts
- arts & crafts
- music (cds, instruments)
- pretend/dress up play
- summer/beach

.

this "Themed" idea is brilliant. I've never been to one and have never heard of this. Can you please be more specific w/wording and what you would say on the invite?

thanks!