Getting others to purge/declutter??

[Twoboos]

Anyone BTDT and have advice, please?

We are maybe, hopefully, possibly moving. I want to get a dumpster and throw 50% of our stuff into it. Unfortunately, the other 3 people that live here feel differently. ;)

So, how can I get people to part with things? I think for DDs, I am going to do a pass through their rooms when they're not here and then after have them make another pass with me. (If I just have them help, they'll give me like a hairbow and one Barbie shoe to get rid of, plus be reminded of all the stuff they have and will miss it when it's gone!)

With DH, I am dealing with things like a "collection" of Wired magazines - probaly 15 years worth = 180 or more. A VCR and tapes, all boxed up but we MIGHT watch them one day, although we haven't in 7 years. Old computers that are "collectors items" (READ: giant paper weights) and "might be fun to have one day."

We are also storing stuff for my bro/SIL and housing stuff from when my parents passed away 3 years ago. I want to get rid of more of it than my brother is willing to part with. (WHY do we need my mom's clothes and shoes? Someone without clothes/shoes could actually USE them!)

How can I get them to LET GO?

[karstmama]

arm yourself with sayings from peter walsh on 'clean sweep' - 'the things are not our mother' 'if you love this item, respect it enough to display it or let it go' 'the things that are yours are in this area of the garage/porch/tarp in the yard and will be there for 3 days. whatever is still there after 3 days is going to goodwill' 'if you haven't looked at it in a year, you aren't going to'

another option - box things up & put them in the garage or whatever, out of sight. if something specific is asked for/needed, go pull it out. if not, after a length of time (a month?) those boxes are outta here!

best of luck.

[Twoboos]

arm yourself with sayings from peter walsh on 'clean sweep' - 'the things are not our mother' 'if you love this item, respect it enough to display it or let it go' 'the things that are yours are in this area of the garage/porch/tarp in the yard and will be there for 3 days. whatever is still there after 3 days is going to goodwill' 'if you haven't looked at it in a year, you aren't going to'

another option - box things up & put them in the garage or whatever, out of sight. if something specific is asked for/needed, go pull it out. if not, after a length of time (a month?) those boxes are outta here!

best of luck.

HA!!! Peter Walsh would have a hard time here. most of the stuff I want to dump has been in boxes in the basement for 8 years. EIGHT. (DH's stuff. My parents stuff = 3 years.) And I am not allowed to get rid of it.

DH told me if I got rid of things behind his back he would be SO hurt and it would be a major issue in our marriage.

[niccig]

DH told me if I got rid of things behind his back he would be SO hurt and it would be a major issue in our marriage.

Did you tell him that his inability to help declutter the house is causing major issues in your marriage right now? I'm not good with a clutter around, and we don't have a lot of storage space.

A move is a perfect time to go through things. Will you be getting movers? Maybe a quote for how much it costs to move those 15 year old magazines will help. Or talk about how long the move will take, if you do it yourself etc. because of all the extra things.

My DH likes his things and if I get rid of stuff, he feels his space has been invaded. So I do not get rid of it without checking with him. But I do make it clear how much space we have to store the things. He also has a few places that are his and I do not touch. Eg. I've known DH for 9 years and never once seen him use his bowling ball, but we still have as it has memories of when he played all the time. So, you do need to keep some sentimental things, even if you think it's just junk. Rest of the house is fair game.

I would use the moving as a deadline. Tell you brother/SIL that you will probably not be moving to as big a place, and he needs to get his things and decide what things of your mother's he wants to have. Give him a very specific deadline, after which the items will be donated - have a pick up from Goodwill or something organized, so he can't delay.

A friend had a piano for several years that belonged to someone else. They were about to do renovations and would no longer have space. For weeks he said he would come over and pick it up, but never did. So she called one last time, told him he had until the end of the week, or the craigslist ad was going up for a free piano as the contractors were starting the following Monday to work in that room. He got that the next day with a pick up truck and some friends.

Sometimes you need to light a fire under people, and make it clear that eventhough you have the space (eg. basement) you are not the storage for everything.

Magazines - were a big one with my DH until I asked him did he google for information or did he look through a 5 year old article from a magazine? Recycle them.

Computers - if he likes his gadgets, tell him no new ones until the old obsolete ones are dealt with - use e-recycling place. We have issues with this too, and I now dump the old stuff once it's been replaced - difficult to argue that you need that old computer monitor when we just set up the new one. If he says "but we might use it" I look at him and say "Really, one day you're going to use this 5 year old computer that we just replaced because it's processing speed is so slow it was frustrating you when editing movies? - we just did this last weekend. I've got it all in a box ready for next run to e-recycling.

I did go through the house/garage and I boxed up everything and then said to DH -we have room for one box - I sat with him and sorted through things asking what they were etc. We had a collection of different cords for professional video cameras and when DH explained what it was, I asked "do we have the camera that uses that?" He said no, so I then asked "do we know anyone that does." Yes, a friend does, so we gave those cords to him. I think it helps to know the things will get used by someone else and that you're helping out a friend.

VHS tapes - we have a box too. I left this alone as it's ONE box. But now we have a high def. TV that DH waited 5 years to get, I can say "will you really watch a VHS tape on the high def TV or would you prefer to rent a DVD with better picture quality?" That will actually work with my DH.

We still have a box of SILs wedding tapes that DH did her wedding video from. They were married 10 yrs ago. I sooooo want to send them to SIL with a "here you go, you store them", but DH feels that as a good big brother, he should digitize them for her - these are the source tapes, she already has the actual video. I know he'll never do it, he knows he'll never do it, but it's a emotional issue. The box isn't huge, so it's still in the garage. Now, if we were to move, it would be so outta here, as I"m not paying/schlepping it myself.

HTH - but I am now just ruthless about moving stuff on, and DH has gotten used to it - as long as I stay away from his closet, dresser drawers and one armoire that is his to do what he wants with.

As for "not being allowed to get rid of stuff", mmm I suppose I would then tell DH "fine, but this is now your responsibility, when we move you are the one packing everything in the basement. I will not deal with it at all." And DH knows I do what I say. He would take one look at the piles, come back upstairs and say "maybe we can get rid of some stuff." And then we would compromise - more than he wants would go, and more than I want will stay.

[mezzona]

i kinda helped dh make that decision for himself. i told him that he can keep all his stuff, but he has to keep it in his office so that i wouldnt have to be exposed to it (it gives me anxiety). he decided himself to pare down due to his space constraints (he is also a neat freak). he was a little overwhelmed, so he asked me to help and he decided which ones to toss.

i think part of the reason too is because he sees how i can survive with less -- i have one drawer and 1/2 a closet of clothes, compared to his 4 drawers and 1-1/2 closets.

[Twoboos]

So, you do need to keep some sentimental things, even if you think it's just junk. Rest of the house is fair game.



Niccig, I LOVE your post!!! I only wish it worked like that.

To DH, the magazines and the old outdated computers and all his baseball trophies from elementary school ARE sentimental items. I swear he thinks he will plug in that computer one day with a bunch of geeky friends and see it running again as a party trick. No lie I think it's 25 years old, it's an old square Mac.

It's one of these, unless he is going to make a fish aquarium, I cannot see a reason that we should continue to store it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/currentobsession/1141742593/

Thanks for all the advice!! Please keep it coming. I am definitely going to use the Peter Walsh line, "That <thing> is not your mom/dad/grandma." I think I'm going to have to use that one on myself to get rid of my grandparents bedroom set. That's going to be a tough one.

The "if you haven't looked at it for a year, you're not going to" line just does NOT work on DH for some reason!!! I totally believe it. He thinks he might need it next year. I might have to add on "If it turns out you need it, we'll get another one."

[lil_acorn]

Try the same rule as clothes..if you haven't used it in a year, it goes in the trash!

I am going through that right now. Trying to declutter our house and hubby has 6 boxes of baseball cards, video games (from the 80s!), tapes, etc.

[karstmama]

exactly to the 'you can get a new one'! just like nicci said, is he *really* going to want the vhs of 'the sting' one day when he decides he wants to watch 'the sting'? is he even going to remember he owns it on vhs? no way! so maybe entice him with the idea of some replacements?

[niccig]

To DH, the magazines and the old outdated computers and all his baseball trophies from elementary school ARE sentimental items. I swear he thinks he will plug in that computer one day with a bunch of geeky friends and see it running again as a party trick. No lie I think it's 25 years old, it's an old square Mac.



How big is it, how many computers. If it's just one old Mac and doesn't take up too much space, then compromise. Keep the mac, but something else goes. if it's 5 Macs, then that's too many, agree to keep 1. We have 2 paris of roller blades, a dart bard, a bowling ball and some other stuff in the garage that DH has not used in 9 years. But it's a small manageable pile. DH is the same about sentiment and memories attached to things. Which is fine, but it can only be so much kept. Every time I clean out the garage, I look at these things and think they should go, but they do have some meaning to DH. So, they stay.

It takes time. I've been at this for 9 years with Dh and he now agrees with getting rid of things mostly. At first, when I was nesting with DS, I would crazily go through everything and DH saw it as me getting rid of his stuff. So I backed off and over time we've reached a point where stuff doesn't hang around - it's out the door immediately if no longer needed. I'm pretty sure next time I pull down the box of VHS and say "hey, we've got highdef, we're not going to watch these on VHS.", DH will agree, and finally that box will go.

You can also start going forward to not let things in that you don't want to store. eg. Never ever agree to store things for your brother if he's difficult about picking things up, say No before it gets in the house. Then over time, work on getting rid of what you already have in the house. My MIL has an unfinished basement (cinderblock walls, cement), but they decided to fix it up a bit - painted walls, she set up a sewing area, a play area for the kids, an area for wrapping presents etc - if a space has a purpose and is getting used, you don't pile junk in it, and she got rid of a lot of things she was storing as then there was more room for the play area - so find uses for all the places DH wants to store things, so he doesn't have storage room.

We went from 4 bedroom rental to 2 bedroom own house - we just didn't have the space, so DH has had to make some decisions on things - he loves his photography magazines and he has one of the storage cubes in the family room full - once its full, he has to either purge or find a place that is NOT in the family space for them..so he purges. We do still have a shelf of old scuba magazines in the garage - now that DH is purging his magazines in the house, I think he'll agree to get rid of the scuba magazines without any issues. Keep on top of current magazines, remove when read etc, and maybe in a couple of years, you'll DH will be ready to deal with the wired magazines.

It might also help if you declutter your things - eg. your brother's things, other family items that aren't needed. It's difficult to say "you don't use this stuff, it's taking up too much space" when he looks around and sees all the space used by your family's things that aren't getting used either.

Does he have an office - do like a PPer and put it all in there and turn the basement into a space that gets used.

[Twoboos]

So we've been working on it. He will part with the VCR tapes. But we are struggling over the actual VCR player. "But what if we NEED it? It's in perfectly good condition, why get rid of it? What if I need PARTS from it?" I think I can get it to go, still trying. It might go "by accident."

We are also struggling over an ancient stereo w/record player and double tape deck (no cd).

Struggling over dot-printer that goes with the old Mac. That is on the edge. "But what if I want to connect them and print from the Mac?"

And his old school notebooks. He graduated from HS in 1984. I just said this information is OUTDATED!!!

I know he's trying. I have to be grateful for the small pile of stuff that's allowed to GO.

I told my brother I am going to work on all my stuff then move the rest into a storage space if needed. He said they would share the cost if it came to that. So I do feel better about it. They have been coming over here with certain space requests ("We don't want to keep the maternity/baby clothes in your basement, do you have room in the attic eves?" Um no, we don't have room.) that are getting on my nerves so storage is going to be a better solution. So Nicci, using your suggestion of getting rid of our stuff and just leaving his, even before I read it! :)

[niccig]

So we've been working on it. He will part with the VCR tapes. But we are struggling over the actual VCR player. "But what if we NEED it? It's in perfectly good condition, why get rid of it? What if I need PARTS from it?" I think I can get it to go, still trying. It might go "by accident."

We are also struggling over an ancient stereo w/record player and double tape deck (no cd).

Struggling over dot-printer that goes with the old Mac. That is on the edge. "But what if I want to connect them and print from the Mac?"

And his old school notebooks. He graduated from HS in 1984. I just said this information is OUTDATED!!!

I know he's trying. I have to be grateful for the small pile of stuff that's allowed to GO.

I told my brother I am going to work on all my stuff then move the rest into a storage space if needed. He said they would share the cost if it came to that. So I do feel better about it. They have been coming over here with certain space requests ("We don't want to keep the maternity/baby clothes in your basement, do you have room in the attic eves?" Um no, we don't have room.) that are getting on my nerves so storage is going to be a better solution. So Nicci, using your suggestion of getting rid of our stuff and just leaving his, even before I read it! :)

Small steps with your DH. I tried to do it all at once and DH really pushed back. But small steps over the years, and he's come around.

As for your brother - I would only pay for storage space if it's things you want and will use and you really don't have space in your house. Otherwise, you're flushing money away to hold onto things that no one wants to make difficult decision of getting rid of it.

DH wanted to go in with friends on a storage unit and I worked out the yearly cost for keeping things that we barely use, and it just wasn't worth it. We purged a bit, and used the space we have in more efficient manner and saved that money.

And remember, you can do all of this over time. If people are pushing back too hard, back off a little, get a little down and keep chipping away at it.

[longtallsally05]

ly USE them!)

How can I get them to LET GO?

If you figure this out, I'll buy your book about it! I'm in the same boat re: DH and moving this summer, yuck!