What to answer to toddler when he asks...

[Nechums]

..."where is grandpa?" and grandpa is no longer around?

My dad passed away about a year ago. DS is 2.5 years old and always asks where grandpa is. Especially when we go to visit my mom. In the past I would just say "only grandma is home right now" and could get away with it because DS would accept that answer. But now I can sense a bit of frustration in his voice. Anyone BTDT with such a young kid? Thanks!

[JBaxter]

I answer Poppy is in Heaven he's and angel now and watching you to keep you safe. We have a strong faith and Im not sure he always got it but he excepted it.

[Green_Tea]

I'd just tell the truth - that Grandpa died and went to heaven (if you believe in heaven) and that while you can't see him anymore, you can look at pictures and talk about him and remember how much he loved (loves) you.

[Canna]

My dad died 10 years ago - my kids never knew him. Occasionally the subject of where my daddy or Grandmommy's husband is. I prefer a very straightforward approach: "He died." or if more detail is requested "Died means that he isn't alive any more"..."He got sick from a very bad sickness called leukemia and died before you were born."

[robinsmommy]

I had a hard time telling DD when my grandpa died when she was that age. In retrospect, it is just better to be completely upfront from the get-go. Just simplify the explanation more for younger kids.

[Katigre]

I talk about death when it happens and say this "_____ went to be with God because they died."

[wellyes]

This is one of those times where it is hard to be an atheist.
But I think you have to say something. Because if he asks every time, it's part of his ritual of going there. Better for everyone if he has closure. And better for you to be the one to explain because at some point he probably will ask his grandma and you may not like the explanation she gives. Or it may be hurtful for her to have to explain, realize that you didn't, etc.

[twowhat?]

I'd just tell the truth - that Grandpa died and went to heaven (if you believe in heaven) and that while you can't see him anymore, you can look at pictures and talk about him and remember how much he loved (loves) you.

:yeahthat: We're not religious, but used a similar explanation. "Uncle D died. It means that we can't see him anymore, and he can't come play anymore. It makes everyone sad. But you can remember all the fun times you had with him and it's OK to say that you miss him."

Any further explanation can wait for when they are older, and as they ask more questions. Basically give simple honest answers. Here's the literature that I got from a prof who teaches on the subject:

http://www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/childeath.pdf

eta: the drawback is that sometimes DD2 will say "Grandma is coming! Grandpa is coming! Uncle D died." LOL. But I just say to her "you are right, and it makes us sad to say that Uncle D died. Let's think of the fun things we did with him instead". Hopefully she will get the idea that saying "He died" makes everyone sad and stop doing it:)

[inmypjs]

I lost my mom about a year ago when my kids were 3 and 5. ITA that you need to tell him the truth. Personally I think when we feel inclined to lie to our kids about something, it usually signals that we are uncomfortable with the topic - not that they necessarily are.

I would explain that when bodies get old or sick, they sometimes die, and that is what happened to him. Then you can say something about where you believe he is now, depending on your religious/spirtual beliefs.

One analogy that helped my kids was to take a marble and put it inside a plastic egg. We described the egg as Grandma's body, and the marble as her spirit/personality/etc. Her body stopped working due to illness and she couldn't use it anymore, so her spirit went to heaven.

I have learned a lot about talking to kids about death since my mom died. One thing is that kids process the information over time - it is not instant undertanding. They will have questions and those will vary as their understanding of it changes.

[MamaKath]

That is hard! I always try to give as honest an answer as I can. I want them to feel that it is okay to ask questions like that by not ignoring them or being so adult in my answer that I loose them. If you have a belief system of an afterlife, you may find some childrens books within that belief system that help to explain.

My stepdad died and while my kids may not know him we share stories about him, have photos of him, talk about things he did, etc. I want them to "know" him even though he isn't alive. Mostly I also want them to know that he would have absolutely loved them, even though they won't hear it from him in the flesh!