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View Full Version : What do you think of this?



ha98ed14
03-21-2011, 07:02 PM
DD and I take a Mommy 'n Me type class for 3-5 y.o.s through the local school district. It's free and amazingly good quality. The woman who teaches it has been doing these classes for 20+ years, has an early childhood degree and is just awesome at her job.

We have had snacks three times as part of the class: on Valentine's Day and to celebrate President's Day, and "Picnic Day". In addition, different moms have brought cupcakes to pass out after class to celebrate their children's birthdays. In the cases where the snacks were provided by the teacher, she made them herself in her kitchen and wrote on the board (where she posts other class related info) the ingredients in the snacks. She is very aware that some kids have food allergies and makes a point of verbally referring to the ingredient list on the board for moms of kids with allergies.

There is a mom with whom I am very friendly with. Let's call her J. She and I chat often in the class and also when I see her around town. She's smart; she was a teacher before SAHM. Her DD also happens to have a dairy allergy. Whenever we've had snacks provided by the teacher, they've included dairy, wheat, and other potential allergens. Once it was milk in ice cream and another time in frosting. On these days, and when the moms have handed out cupcakes (and who knows what the ingredients were), J removes her daughter from the class in a huff with a prompt declaration of "Child's Name, We need to go now!" It's loud enough for the 3-5 moms in close proximity to hear, but not so loud that the whole class can hear. It is accompanied by deep sighs and eye rolling. It's clear she is displeased.

I can understand this reaction on the birthday cupcake days. We don't have any advance notice. People just show up with cupcakes and pass them out. However, on the three occasions when we've had snacks from the teacher, we were given at least 2 weeks advance notice. (Class is once per week.) J could have brought an alternative snack for her DD. She didn't, which is completely her right. She knows what will work for her child.

The class is large enough that I don't think everyone is aware of her DD's allergy. I know that the teacher is, but she has not offered to change what she makes nor has she offered to bring something in that is dairy-free. So, no accommodation has been offered by the teacher. I don't know if the birthday cupcake moms knew or not. No one has gone out of their way to be sensitive to the issue, but J has not planned ahead on days she knew we were having snacks to bring something her DD could have.

My question is, Do you think the deep sighs, eye rolls, and obvious annoyance/ displeasure are justified?

artvandalay
03-21-2011, 07:18 PM
I think she sounds like a drama queen.

pinkmomagain
03-21-2011, 08:08 PM
In my opinion, no. I think it's very nice and super sensitive when parents go out of their way to come up with a snack/treat that everyone in the class can have. But from your description, the teacher has not banned dairy from the classroom (and has even set an example of not changing snacks to be inclusive of everyone) so I think it's reasonable for the other parents to bring in the snack of their choice.

If my child had an allergy, I would try to always have with me some kind of special treat in my bag to take out if this type of scenario arises. My nephews all have FAs and this is what my sister happily does. And my dd3 has FA kids in her class. One mom I know actually prefers to give her child her very own snack because the mom feels secure knowing exactly what her child is ingesting.

scrooks
03-21-2011, 08:19 PM
I think she sounds like a drama queen.

:yeahthat:

squimp
03-21-2011, 08:39 PM
I'd ask your friend if she wants to let the teacher know that her DD has a dairy allergy. It obviously bothers her.

wellyes
03-21-2011, 08:57 PM
That is passive aggressive and childish. What a poor job she's doing at modeling an appropriate response to her child.

I am a vegetarian and deal with not being able to eat group snacks all the time. Ever since I was a kid. It was never a big deal to me. It sounds like she's teaching her kid to make it a big deal. I am all for advocating for yourself but it needs to be done in a positive way, not in a 'my soul is crushed because no one accommodates me waaaaah!' way.

kristenk
03-21-2011, 09:06 PM
:bag *IF* DD had food allergies and was closer to 3 than 5, I'd probably have been that mom. :bag (I was a bit high strung when DD was younger and did the passive/aggressive thing a few times.) :bag

Putting myself in J's shoes, I'm guessing that she feels as if having snacks isn't really necessary for class. I'm also assuming that the teacher is aware of the dairy allergy (and that it's the only allergy in class). It's nice that the teacher writes the ingredients on the board, but she's also specifically excluding one student by providing a snack with dairy. That would really annoy me.

I can understand how it would be easy for J to pack a safe snack for her DD, but it's sort of annoying that she needs to for a Mommy & Me class that's not typically supposed to have food involved. (It sounds as if food isn't a scheduled part of class, right?)

So, yes, J should grow up and deal with it, but I can understand where she's coming from (I think).

kijip
03-21-2011, 09:29 PM
I think the teacher should be accommodating and I think the mom should be calmer. A bag of dairy free snacks on hand solves it all, right?

egoldber
03-21-2011, 09:40 PM
I wonder if there is a back story? Maybe she asked the teacher to give her notice and when it didn't happen yet again, she was annoyed. Maybe not the most mature response in the world, but sometimes, it's just the last straw.

Frankly, I hate "gratuitous snacks" at classes like that, so I can kind of feel her pain.

It's been a running on on parenting fumes kind of day for me, so I'm feeling all kinds of parenting empathy. :o

ehf
03-21-2011, 10:20 PM
This is why my school district has banned food of all kinds for celebrations. The potential problems with allergies were concerning, but the decision was cemented in an attempt to avoid all this drama.

Overall, I think it's helpful to teach children to be thoughtful of others (if you are bringing snacks to share, bring something that's share-able) and to teach them to manage their own needs as much as possible (if you know you are particularly difficult to feed, bring your own food). Neither adult seems to be handling the issue very well.

Since it's the mother who's annoyed, it's her responsibility to deal directly with the problem, but as another poster mentioned, she may already have done so.

bubbaray
03-21-2011, 10:47 PM
I wonder if there is a back story? Maybe she asked the teacher to give her notice and when it didn't happen yet again, she was annoyed. Maybe not the most mature response in the world, but sometimes, it's just the last straw.

Frankly, I hate "gratuitous snacks" at classes like that, so I can kind of feel her pain.

It's been a running on on parenting fumes kind of day for me, so I'm feeling all kinds of parenting empathy. :o


A huge :yeahthat:

My guess is that the mom and the teacher have discussed this on a number of occasions and the mom has just had it.

ITA with Beth. There is zero reason for people to hand out snacks in that situation. I'm quite opposed to snacks in school too, and not because of food allergies. I just think that we shouldn't reward behavior or special days with food and unhealthy food at that. People say "oh, its just one birthday a year", but if you have 25 kids, that's a lot of birthdays over the school year, plus add in holidays and what have you and it seems to work out to one sugary, high fat treat a week at the very least (often more). Plus, what other people choose might not be *my* choice as a parent and it feels like people are pushing their choices on me, which bugs me. Lastly, there is the whole sanitary thing, I just don't know how clean (or not) people's kitchens are when they bake at home. The thought kinda makes me :barf:

MamaMolly
03-21-2011, 11:16 PM
There are just so many things we don't know in this situation. We don't know how the discussions between the mom and the teacher went, we don't know how the teacher has chosen to handle it other than to list ingredients on the board. We don't know how much FA support this mom is getting in other relationships (friends, relatives, her DH) which can have a HUGE impact on how she handles this sort of thing.

I can't help it, as a mama of a kiddo with FAs I feel for her. It's sucky to go to a fun class or activity and end up having to be the cupcake police. Heck, it is sucky to have to go to a birthday party and bring a 'safe' cupcake. By the time Lula was 3 she knew her cupcake was 'different' and she wanted the birthday cake that the other kids got. It's just natural. I can imagine myself in her place, actually having to drag an unhappy child away from a yummy treat YET again. Yeah, I can forgive her being pi$$y about it.

So IMO it was not the ideal way for her to handle the situation, but hopefully in time with support, she'll do better.