Sibling Rivalry in your ADULT Sibling Relationship?

[sste]

My sister and I just cannot seem to get past the competitive childhood stuff - - my sister is younger and it seems like the competition, measuring up, etc. just will not end ever with her. I was really hoping we would be friends in adulthood but it is not going to happen.

I am wondering how common this is and if other posters have experienced this? I know a certain very low level is probably present in most all relationships but I am talking about rivalry to the level that it very much impedes having a close adult relationship. Also, out of curiosity, is your sibling same or opposite gender and do you think that affected any competitive dynamic?

[JoyNChrist]

DH and his older brother are like this. Or I should really say that his brother is like this, and it annoys the heck out of DH all the time.

Everything we do, they have to do better. We started a small business, his brother had to start a bigger one (and went into major debt to do it). We bought a house, they built a mini mansion. We found out we were having twins, and about 3 months later they announced a pregnancy, even though they've been saying for years they were done (I can't actually prove that they did this one purpose, but it seems likely given their past behavior).

It's other stuff too...like a couple years ago, DH bought a boat. Nothing fancy (and it was used and he got a great deal on it), but we all like to fish, so he was pretty excited about it. The next weekend, his brother went and financed a $40,000 bay boat. And BIL and his wife always comes off as really condescending of the fact that I'm a SAHM, while she's an RN and DON for a home health agency.

I do think it has something to do with gender, since they have a younger sister, and BIL isn't competitive with her at all.

It's really annoying, and I feel bad because we don't spend as much time with them (and our nieces and nephews) because of it. It just stresses me out too much.

[boolady]

There is not any sibling rivalry in my relationships with my sisters at all, but DH and his brother are a whole other story. It's not really overt, but my BIL is definitely into having the biggest and best "things" and my FIL is into "things" so they really bond over that in a way that DH cannot compete, not that he wants to. DH really couldn't care less about "things" like big houses and fancy gadgets and expensive cars, which is a good thing, because we don't have the money and couldn't compete even if he wanted to. Unfortunately, this makes him odd man out a lot, because my BIL is constantly bragging about his stuff and making jabs about the "things" that we do have (his grill is bigger and better, our lawnmower is junk, our kitchen cabinets are builder grade [ya think?]).

I think this would all not be such a big deal, but since DH's mom died and it is just DH, FIL and BIL, it's just another reason that DH feels like, as I said above, odd man out. There's definitely a strong component of the whole thing that is directed to getting attention from my FIL, and it makes me sad for DH.

[mezzona]

sure there used to be sibling rivalry. but if there still is, i dont know anymore - i dont notice. in my opinion, there is no competition if there is only one person competing. i just checked out a long time ago. we have a great relationship now :)

now what IS difficult, is being the older sister and trying to hold my tongue and give advice when it is not wanted. :p

eta: i think things can be easily perceived as rivalry/competition, like one-upping each other, when it is possibly inspiration or copying. i dunno. i think you just kinda gotta laugh it off.

OP, could you give us an example?

[mommylamb]

There is not any sibling rivalry in my relationships with my sisters at all, but DH and his brother are a whole other story. It's not really overt, but my BIL is definitely into having the biggest and best "things" and my FIL is into "things" so they really bond over that in a way that DH cannot compete, not that he wants to. DH really couldn't care less about "things" like big houses and fancy gadgets and expensive cars, which is a good thing, because we don't have the money and couldn't compete even if he wanted to. Unfortunately, this makes him odd man out a lot, because my BIL is constantly bragging about his stuff and making jabs about the "things" that we do have (his grill is bigger and better, our lawnmower is junk, our kitchen cabinets are builder grade [ya think?]).


Ugh, that's so obnoxious. My sister and I competed a lot through our adult life and had a big blowup a little over a year ago. It was the best thing for us because when we made up, we really made up and now things are 1000% better.

[sste]

OK, what kind of person says builder grade?!? Boolady, that is so annoying! I feel for your DH.

Mezzona, the example that has basically lead to a cessation of contact between my sister and is this: I had something pretty negative happen to me healthwise during my daughter's recent delivery - - something serious enough that I am not being dramatic when I say it almost killed both of us. If I want more children biologically I am most likely going to have to use some reproductive technologies and processes that my sister doesn't agree with. My sister has gone out of her way to share her "opinion" - - unsolicited- - with me now multiple times in a very hurtful, flat-out nasty way. She also carries on (and has been for over a decade) about how I have more money than her, better schooling/job, am married, have traveled more, etc. It seems that the one thing she feels she "has" over me is this twisted sense of moral high ground she has adopted with respect to MY fertility and it is more important to her to score a "win" or to have me respect her opinion than to offer support (or at least refrain from being cruel during such a vulnerable time).

Anyway, I am basically over things with my sister but seeing as I am considering a third child I have to admit my knee-jerk reflex is now to be a bit worried about adding more siblings and in particular this fear of the sister-sister relationship going sour.

[niccig]

I think my sister used to compete with me. Mostly academically. She didn't do as well as I did at school, and that was valued in our household. We lived together one year in college and we had an argument and I remember saying "you are not dumb, I don't think you're dumb, you think I think you're dumb, but I do NOT." I do believe it was a motivating factor to get her PhD. See, I'm not dumb, I have a PhD and you do not. She uses the Dr. title everywhere eg. on bus tickets I was printing out for her when she was visiting.

I do have things that I know she wants - a DH, child, house etc but some of that are consequences of her choice in H, now ex-H.

Some of the competitiveness has gone as she's found her place professionally and is now in a great personal relationship.

A friend's sister also comments that she doesn't have as much $$, work, etc. and my friend did tell her once "I didn't make you make the choices you made in career, family, where to live etc" I think some people play the victim card, woe is me I don't have x or y, but don't admit that they made decisions that prevent x or y from happening. Easier to be upset at others for having what they want than at themselves for the decisions they made. Of course there can be situations beyond your control that prevent you from doing things, but you don't get bitter over someone else having those things - well at least it's not healthy to be bitter over it.

As for your sister - WTHeck commenting on your fertility choices. If she brings it up again, tell her that what goes on in your uterus/vagina are of no concern of hers. I agree with limiting contact - she's been very hurtful and like others said, there's no competition if you are not involved. I wouldn't tell her what you are thinking about or any decisions going forward. She's shown she has no sensitivity to your situation, so don't open yourself up to anymore hurt.

[boolady]

Ugh, that's so obnoxious. My sister and I competed a lot through our adult life and had a big blowup a little over a year ago. It was the best thing for us because when we made up, we really made up and now things are 1000% better.

You know, I'd like to think things can change for DH and BIL, but although my post probably sounded harsh towards BIL (and sometimes I feel that way), I think the real culprit in this is FIL, who has always played DH and BIL against each other. I don't know that it's sibling rivalry for the sake of being best, it's rivalry for their father's love and attention, which is a situation FIL fostered for a long time. It's pretty sad.

[egoldber]

I essentially have no relationship with my siblings. Which makes me sad in some ways and in others I really just don't care.

One sister is narcissistic and perhaps also bipolar. She is damaging and psychotic. Not expending my energy there.

My brother still thinks he is 16 and I am 8. I don't need a father or to be talked down to, thanks.

My other sister, we get along OK, but we truly have less than nothing in common. We chat amicably enough, but there is no relationship there.

I get along better with my SILs than I do with my own siblings. I try to model for my kids with my ILs how a family relationship can be. I do think that a large part of this is the dysfunctional way we were raised.

[mezzona]

op, that situation with your sister sucks. I agree with the pp who mentioned limiting contact or at least limiting info regarding your fertilty choices, especially if she can't keep her negative opinions about it to herself. sorry you're going through this.

[AnnieW625]

There is little to no sibling rivalry in my family and I am really grateful for that. I am 10 yrs. older than my sister so she and I will often get a tad irritated with each other, but it's very liveable.

DH and his brother are totally into the sibling rivalry thing, and it's spurred by BIL. DH's brother always has to do something bigger and better. Granted they live in a slightly lower COL area, but for the most part they are just very over the top. BIL+wife bought a Yukon XL Denali for one baby, and an aging dog; that's just a recent example of having to do better and they commute 70+miles per day. Glad I don't have their gas bill:) (although mine isn't the best either!). They are the center of attention anytime we are all together. I have learned to take it with a grain of salt, but it's been hard and very annoying to deal with.

[swissair81]

I am not all that close with one of my sisters. She still resents me because my mother paid too much attention to me when I was younger (for years of OT/PT- not really anything to be jealous of). SO basically our relationship consists of her putting me down constantly, and me just being happy that she's actually talking to me. If I actually listened to her, I would be in bad shape because apparently I am: stupid, a bad mother (for myriad reasons), incompetent at making effective dietary, financial, or basically choices of any kind. I am also remiss in not letting her see my children enough, and for not letting her talk to my children without my listening in. I also picked a lousy choice of husband. This goes on and on and on and on incessantly. She has now started sort of respecting me because I am doing something worthwhile in life (continuing my education), but I picked a non-intellectual profession, because again, I am stupid. My other siblings find her irritating too, but I bear the brunt of it. It's not as bad as it was when we went to school and she constantly told me that I embarrass her by existing, so I guess that's good. I try not to let it get to me. She also doesn't think I should have anymore kids, and like the OP, I believe that it is simply none of her business.

[liamsmom]

now what IS difficult, is being the older sister and trying to hold my tongue and give advice when it is not wanted. :p


:yeahthat: I am the oldest of 5 girls. (Wanna talk about sibling rivalry? Ugh.) There's lots of minor competition amongst us, which often starts out unintentionally. There's dynamics that play out between us--like me and my oldest sister and my two youngest sisters. Since I am 10 and 12 years older than my youngest two sisters, I often sound maternal when I give advice. I really try not to, but they view me as old. And I did change their diapers.



I do believe it was a motivating factor to get her PhD. See, I'm not dumb, I have a PhD and you do not. She uses the Dr. title everywhere eg. on bus tickets I was printing out for her when she was visiting.


My oldest sibling just finished her PhD program. She's so obnoxious. She seems to think she is qualified to judge everything and anything now. :rolleye0014:

But OP, I have to say, that despite the high-drama level of all my adult siblings, fertility choices are pretty off-limits. I can't imagine anyone of us saying something like that and not getting an earful about MYOB.

[WolfpackMom]

My older sister is bad enough that I spent over an hour agonizing over whether or not I even wanted to open this thread because I knew it would bring up crappy feelings. She makes me feel like he** with her efforts to prove how she is better than everyone else in existence, especially myself, on at least biweekly basis. She is also a PhD candidate, the fact that I turned down a PhD spot so I could afford to provide for my family and not get help from parents or inlaws (like her) is irrellevant in her eyes because Im not getting that Dr tagged onto my name.

And just like another PP mentioned, I keep coming back for more, just happy she is talking to me. Unlike PP, I was not the one with the illness or extra need growing up. She is diabetic so our entire family dynamic revovled around her, and she feels that it should still eventhough we are adults...

bah.

[MamaMolly]

Growing up I don't think we competed much, she was the 'smart' one and I was the 'pretty' one. :rolleyes: I won't be repeating the label thing with my girls.

But now that we are both moms? Yes, I'd say there is competition. We are so different. She's a WOHM, I'm a SAHM, I'm more crunchy (avoiding BPA, using more natural soaps, etc) and she says it's a bunch of baloney and we have to agree to disagree. Whatever.

I really feel that my mom feeds into it, which doesn't help.

[fivi2]

We definitely have a complicated relationship, but I am not sure I would call it competition.
I agree with pp about just not competing, but it sounds like what she did is way beyond competition. It sounds just plain nasty and spiteful. I think you are well within reason for cutting her out (for now or forever).

I don't think I would avoid having another kid due to fear of a possible sibling relationship going bad in the future. They may be best of friends, they may never speak - it isn't really something you can plan.

Sorry she was so awful to you!

[maestramommy]

My siblings and I probably felt competition growing up, but if we feel it now, it's not because of us. It's because my mother will NOT stop comparing our kids to each other, to us. It's maddening, and it's a good thing us 3 sisters talk about it openly so we can laugh it off instead of getting resentful. We live pretty far apart from each other, and if we didn't discuss these things, we'd probably not want to get together more than we do. As it is, the whole clan is getting together this summer and we can't wait!

:hug:

[lalasmama]

My brother and I are 5.5 years apart. I'm the little sister... and, boy oh boy, the rivalry is still strong. Sadly, the week my mom died she commented that her one regret is that he and I weren't close.

I've supported his child for the most part since 2005 (once she got out of foster care the first time), and now am raising her full time. I had hoped that this would bring he and I closer. It did for a while, but he's unstable, and he's a BIG "one-upper"... I would say my knee hurts, and he would have been at the hospital for a knee procedure. If I had a cold, he had pneumonia. He even tried to "one up" when he found out that I had been at the hospital having a lumbar puncture ("spinal tap") for MS.... Unfortunately, I have nothing to be jealous about with him. And he doesn't like that :/

When we were kids, it was much worse; he percieved me to be the favorite, and vice versa. I was jealous that he got to do anything he wanted. He was jealous for the favoritism that he percieved as beneficial to me. Indeed, I was the well-behaved, book-reading, quiet, obidient child. And he was the hell raiser. I was allowed to do more things with permission (and, usually, parental funding) because I was responsible. On the other hand, it seemed like he could screw up a million times--and big things like auto theft and drugs--but he never got in trouble; but I would get in trouble if I so much as made one rude remark to my parents.

Humorously, now that I know my birthfamily, it's funny to look at the differences between my brother and I. I am very much a copy of my birthfamily, and my brother is a copy of all the trouble our dad and uncles caused when they were young.

[sste]

This is fascinating - - in particular the role of the parents in fostering the rivalry.

My mother is an intensely competitive, appearances-obsessed person and she 1) very explicitly pitted all of us against each other by naming and rotating (!) her favorites; and 2) through her competitive outlook on life I think greatly contributed to my sister having these issues - - it is so clear to me now as a parent that my sister needed a gentler hand and to be appreciated in her own right, rather than being exposed to my mother's world view of ranking everyone according to achievement/intelligence/social/etc.

Anyway, lest I am being too harsh to my sister I don't think she is actually intending to be cruel or even has the self-awareness to recognize what she is doing is cruel. It is just more important to her than anything else, including my life and fertility, that her opinion be respected and that she be credited as an intellectual equal to me.