DS social blip. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

[Fairy]

DS is an extremely caring, kind, sharing child. Too much, sometimes, where other kids will take away stuff he's playing with or not give him a turn cuz he acquiesces more. Very gentlemanly, actaully. Lately there has been difficulty with kids in dayschool (K enrichment) that have been rooting against him when he's playing a team game (e.g., basketball - as much as one can really "play" that when you're 5 and 6). It's not the other team, it's observing kids rooting against him. He's sensitive and had a hard time with that. We talked thru it, and he's managing. But there is one kid in particular who has been a problem for him all year. He's been in the same class as DS at this daycare/pre-K/dayschool for years, at least 3. So, we know them, I'm FB friends with his mom. Totally lovely people. This kid ain't so nice. I've seen him in action, he knows how to be a meanie. Also knows how to be nice. Not sure what sets him off, but he can be mean.

Well, apparently, DS had enough and when I was not there, he went to this kid's mom when she came to pick him up and told her that the kid was being mean to him and won't stop. I've pieced together that she told her DS to knock it off, and that's very like her, I'm sure she talked to him. FF to yesterday, and he went and told the mother again, cuz apparently, she'd said you tell me if he does it again. So, he did. My dad overheard this one and the mom was, again, accepting and did not retaliate in any way, but apparently let her kid have it.

Not a word of this was told to me by DS.
Not a word of this was told to me by the mom.
My dad made me promise not to tell DS that I know.

I am not sure how to feel here. On the one hand, I'm proud that he sussed out a way to deal with this by going to the authority figure, the kids own mother, and basically try to work it out himself. Yay him for thinking. On the other hand, oh my god, he told the kid's mother. And he didn't come to me! Or DH. He has told us many times how this boy picks on him, and we have told him how we would handle it, and I've also talked to the teacher, and she says he's not a good boy and they're trying to work with him, and so I said fine. And I get why he did what he did cuz it's a year later, here, and he said, I'm done, gave up, and told the mother. But ... how do I process this? I'm going to get DS to tell me, that's no question. But that he didn't tell me that this is how he solved the problem really upsets me.

Thoughts?

[sste]

I think that is amazing! I would not say a word. It is a sign of such great social skills that he went to an authority figure - - that is exactly what you would have told him to do and what he did do! And he had a good, reinforcing experience with it. :)

Truly, I would be patting myself on the back here.

I think your DS is becoming more independent which is right where he should be developmentally (that is my impression from the moms of the 5-6 set here and IRL).

[gatorsmom]

I'll be watching this thread. Gator does the same sort of thing. One day at his last school, he asked his teacher for money to spend at the school's little Christmas market. He never said anything. It wasn't until 2 weeks later the teacher mentioned it to me! I asked Gator first why he thought that was ok, and second why didn't he tell me? I think he reallly thought it was no big deal. The teacher said he asked politely. I explained to him why that wasn't appropriate. But he does other similar things that I don't hear about from him, not because he is hiding something but because he just is independent and doesn't think it's a big deal. Not sure how I feel about this. He's 7yo.

So, yeah, Fairy, I hear ya. And I'll be watching here too....

[sste]

Hmmm . . . I am thinking more about the telling mom piece based on gatorsmom's comment.

My son is 3.5 (though he has been in full-time preschool for 1.5 years). His teachers report to me that he routinely tells them when bigger boys are hitting. He is the youngest and if this was prison, he would be Rat #1. But, he is very insistent about not talking to us about his school interactions and will tell us, "that is not allowed!" when we try to ask. The only time he will talk is over dinner when we go around and talk about our days - - and even then he will not tell us much. But, he seems to get along fine socially in his rather rough and tumble preschool class. He will very occasionally tell us if there is a problem with a kid after the fact. We almost always tell him he did a great job handling it or if is not clear that he did handle it then we role play what he is to do (big, strong voice or tell teacher). He has now internalized the big, strong voice and telling the teacher - - he has even used the big, strong voice against ME a time or two when he felt like I was being rough or taking a toy before he was done!!

Anyway, I am watching this thread to and am now wondering if I am too laissez-faire!

[niccig]

Two things.

1. It was wonderful that he advocated for himself and went to the boy's mother. That is a skill he needs to have. He has the confidence to speak up for himself and that is huge.

2. Did you ask him why he didn't tell you he spoke to the mother? I wonder what he's reasons were, or if he didn't have a reason. DS doesn't tell me a lot of things either, and when I ask why not he says "I forgot". Maybe he thought it was dealt with, so moved on to the next thing???

I wouldn't get upset that he didn't tell you, but encourage him to let you know so you can be there to help.

[mommy111]

OMG, Fairy, my two thoughts are:
Good for him!!!!
and
How very mature!!!
I think he just dealt with it when it was presented to him. People struggle to teach their kids this in their teens. Good for you!!!!
And I think like Lisa (gatorsmom) said, he probably thought it was no big deal.

[Fairy]

Well, my dad made me promise not to tell DS that I know. So, DH and I are not going to bring this up and tell him we know. However, we ask often, how is it going with the kids that were being mean? We specify this specific kid, too. So, we' think he will fess up, and then we can talk about it.

Ya know, I am proud of him. I just ... I didn't know how to react to this. Is he a tattler? Wait, he's six. What if he were to stand up to the wrong mom -- the kind unlike this one -- who would not be receptive to their kid being less than perfect? Would that backfire on him? But wait, he's six! What is he supposed to do, the kid is six. And he wasn't intimidated to talk to an adult -- THE adult in tihs situation -- about his problem.

I think i'm just overwhelmed wtih this and unsure how to really process it. But the positive feedback so far has been really calming for me, making me feel better. I just wanna protect him (including from him protecting himself) ... as do we all.

[JustMe]

Not a word of this was told to me by DS.
Not a word of this was told to me by the mom.
My dad made me promise not to tell DS that I know.
?

I agree with the others that your ds did a great job, and sounds like he has some wonderful problem solving skills as well as assertive/social skills. You know, I would feel the same as you if I were in your shoes about him not sharing this with you. However, since I am not in your shoes and am probably more objective than if this were happening to me, I can say that this may not be a bad thing at all. He may have just felt he was taking care of it. He may have not thought about it when he was home with you...and lots of other possibilities.

I am unclear about why your dad made you promise not to tell your ds that you know? Because it seems to me a good next step might be to say something like hey, ds, grandpa told me what a great job you did getting help from X's mother to stop X from being mean to you (personally I would use his word choice). I am so proud of you for figuring out a way to try to solve this problem. Ds, how are things going with X now? Is he treating you nicer now or is it still a problem?

[Fairy]

^^ Part 1 of this where he approached the mom the first time is sussed out given what we DO know, which is Part 2. We don't even know when Part 1 happened, could have been last month for all I know. My dad observed this exchagne with DS and the mom last night (he picked him up this time). After, he asked DS what that was all about, and DS evaded. He said, "nothing, it's over." And my dad put 2 and 2 together given he heard the whole thing here in Part 2. So, DS did not confide in my dad or me or anyone else. And he doesn't want to betray his trust by outing him to me when he clearly didn't want to discuss. So, I'll honor what my dad wants here, mainly cuz I know I can get this out of him without doing so.

[sste]

Fairy, I wonder if he is at a stage intellectually where he feels some embarrassment factor about the child being mean or teasing him publicly?

I guess what I might do is work into general conversation a time you or your DH were teased or received a rude comment by "a person who has a tough time getting along with others and needs to work on trying to be a better friend." The last part is what I would underscore - - the fact that the other person teased makes it clear they are having a tough time acting the right way. This communicates that the person being teased didn't have the problem it was the person doing the teasing/making the comment. It also lets him know everyone deals with this cr*p in life, even omnipotent moms and dads.

[ThreeofUs]

I think it's fantastic! But I'd be totally in your space about it.... :hug:

[arivecchi]

So many things at play here and your child is older than mine so I may be totally off base, but here goes:

1) I think it is great that he speaks up and protects himself.

2) I think acting independently is positive and should be encouraged.

However, I would also be worried about him facing the wrong person and not discussing issues with me. Maybe at some point you can have a conversation with him about those two things. I think for the most part, what he did was right and I would not tie the conversation on these two issues to the incident with that boy's mother.

The tattling issue is harder. I worry about this because DS1 loves to do that and I want to control that to a certain extent. I do not think it is a good thing for my child to come to me to complain about every little thing. I do want him to stand up for himself and solve things on his own too.

In your son's case though, this kid has been bothering him for a while so it is not random tattling. He knows there is a pattern here and this boy has not changed his behavior.

Overall, I say he did a great job and I could commend him for it.

I hope this all makes sense. :)

[Fairy]

It does make sense. All of you make sense and have really helped me process this, thank you. I'm in a bit of a melancholy space over it, and have some worry about it. But I'm so proud of him. I'm a lucky girl that he's mine.