Talk to me about co-sleeping--long

[crl]

So I briefly tried co-sleeping with older ds, but he was so restless I couldn't sleep at all. And he didn't sleep any better that way anyway.

DD turns 1 next week and the last two weeks have been hell. She goes to sleep just fine but then wakes up SCREAMING. And she won't stop until I go in, lay her down and pat her. I have to keeping patting until she is SOUNDLY asleep, which takes at least thirty minutes, or she starts screaming again. And half the time she wakes up again as soon as I open the door to leave. Even if she stays asleep she repeats the pattern in a couple of hours.

I am getting almost no sleep. And what little I am getting is very poor quality. DH has no ability to deal with sleep training. So, there will be no cry it out here. He would just sabotage it even if we agreed in advance and even if all he had to do was wear ear plugs and ignore me and the baby.

The only other thing I can think of is to co-sleep. But the logistics are a bit tough. Our bed is quite high off the floor and we have tons of pillows and a huge fluffy comforter. I am thinking it might be better to set up a different place to sleep. I could take a twin mattress from ds' unused bunk and dd and I could sleep on that on the floor in her room. Or I could clear off the relatively low queen bed in the spare bedroom and we could try that.

Tell me about your experiences with co-sleeping and how you made it safe. And when it ended, because I am dreading setting myself up for co-sleeping for years.

And I know ds will want to join us, especially if I end up in the spare bedroom, but he is still a very restless sleeper and I don't want him to. How do you tell older kids no, when you are co-sleeping with a younger sibling?

Sorry this got so long and thanks for any insight!

Catherine

[AnnieW625]

I have no co sleeping experience, but this could be a phase with your DD. Is she getting more teeth? DD1 was an absolutely horrible teether and would wake up almost every night, take a bottle/sippy cup, and go back to bed. This went on until she was done teething at 2/1/2. It was rough, but honestly most of the time if she had a bottle of even 4 oz. of milk, formula, or water she'd go back to sleep. When things were really bad and I was afraid she wasn't going to sleep if she knew I wasn't there I would simply not close the door all of the way.

Honestly if you don't want your older son co sleeping then I wouldn't go the co sleeping route. I wouldn't make yourself co sleep if that's not what you want. I think IMHO that would be the wrong reason to co sleep. There is no gaurantee that the baby is going to want to co sleep either.

I would buy noise cancelling headphones for you both and at least try some sort of sleep training.

I know this isn't the advice you wanted, but good luck, and I hope you find something that works for you.

[WolfpackMom]

Im not sure that this helps, but we are going through the same thing. DS is 14 months old and for the past 6 nights has woken up screaming twice a night and stayed up for 30 minutes to up to 2 hours each time - whether we are holding him or not.
Im at a total loss and completely exhausted so I get where you are coming from. DS ends up in our bed usually by the 2nd waking, but this is due to DH not me. It makes me insane, I get no sleep with DS in there but do come close to falling out of bed and he kicks and thrashes etc. Hes gotten so fiesty from teething and waking I have bite marks...

So how does that help? Well I will tell you my plan is to basically do CIO training in the middle of the night. When he wakes up we are going to let him cry for 20-30 mins before checking, then we will comfort etc and put him back down, rinse and repeat.

I just have to figure out how to force DH to deal and not try and bring him to bed and/or give a bottle...

Good luck to you! Im not sure how you can cosleep with one and not the other if the other wants to. I also think it would be rough to sleep seperate from DH, but I understand doing what you have to do so that everyone gets some rest.

[arivecchi]

I would not co-sleep unless you are ready to do it for a while. It is hard to kick them out of your bed once they get used to it!

[khalloc]

I would not try co-sleeping at that age if its not something you want to commit to for the long term. At one it will be hard to break your child of the habit. If it were me I would CIO by starting at longer intervals. When my DS was 6 months I started trying to get him to sleep in his own room for longer intervals. First I would only go to him if it was after midnight. I also stopped the monitor and only went if it was after midnight and if I woke up hearing up without the help of the monitor (that was easy, he screamed SOOOO loud). I gradually moved the time until he wasnt waking anymore.

[arivecchi]

Could she be having night terrors?

http://www.babycenter.com/0_night-terrors_142.bc

DS1 had those for a while.

[crl]

Answering a couple of questions.

She could be teething. Definitely. But motrin has made no difference and previous bouts of teething were bad, but motrin clearly helped.

I am not philosophically opposed to co-sleeping. But I don't want to be co-sleeping still when she is four. And I don't want to add ds to the mix because then I will still get no sleep. He is seven. I may be able to explain this to him?

I am quite desperate for sleep right now. There is no trading off with dh on any sort of regular basis. He is working 14 hours a day, 7 days a week and will be for the foreseeable future. Plus dd will not go back to sleep for him--he has tried for up to two hours with no success. His work schedule also means thatbi am responsible for everything else, older ds, dog, errands, chores, etc. So I cannot nap every day during dd's naps.

Cry it out is simply not going to happen. DH will not tolerate it under any circumstances. He is not philosophically opposed and may well agree in advance but when it comes down to it, he WILL sabotage it. I say this based on multiple previous experiences with ds and plans to get him to sleep independently. I will not go down that road again.

Honestly I see no alternative to getting through the next six months except to try co-sleeping.

Thanks for any insight on making this work.

Catherine

[crl]

Could she be having night terrors?

http://www.babycenter.com/0_night-terrors_142.bc

DS1 had those for a while.

I think it unlikely as she seems to be completely aware of my presence.

Thanks!
Catherine

[citymama]

I would not co-sleep unless you are ready to do it for a while. It is hard to kick them out of your bed once they get used to it!

I agree. The other issue with co-sleeping IME is they want you to be with them when going to sleep and I used to have to spend ages snuggling with DD1 (and frequently falling asleep) when I still had hours of house work and other things to do before my own bed time. We ended up co-sleeping with DD1 from age 3-4 because she would come into our bed at midnight every night, but it was not great for any of us, sleep-wise, and after she fell off the (quite high) bed one night we decided to end it, which took forever and ever to do. I really don't want to go there with DD2!

We've been having sleep trouble with our DD2 as well, and she is about the same age as yours. Lots of crying and very hard to get to sleep. I definitely think teething has a lot to do with it, and the age of increased mobility (9-15 months) is always challenging, sleep-wise. She sometimes ends up in our bed when she wakes up in the middle of the night, but I always put her to bed in her crib or PnP. Her crib is in DD1's room (rather, the "kids room") and I try and start her out there, or sometimes in the PnP we have set up in our room. I'm not in a great position to offer advice, since I'm struggling with it too, but I find that making sure she's quite tuckered out before trying to get her to bed helps, and she almost always nurses down (which means DH has no ability to get her to sleep). And I do let her cry in her crib (more than I would ever let DD1 do!) with me in the room because I find she sometimes runs out of steam and just falls asleep. I haven't read a single sleep training book, so I have no idea if that is some kind of tried and tested strategy or just the exhausted mom approach. I figure we'll get through this rough patch and take it from there.

[arivecchi]

If you decide to co-sleep, I highly recommend these:

http://www.gobedbug.com/

I started co-sleeping with DS1 when he was around 2.5 and started jumping out of his crib. He would not sleep alone after that and would not stay in his bed under any circumstances. Since we have a king size bed, it was not that bad. The only issue is that either DH or I would have to go to bed with him early in order for him to fall asleep. He has recently started sleeping in his bed again and he is now 4.

[crl]

If you decide to co-sleep, I highly recommend these:

http://www.gobedbug.com/

I started co-sleeping with DS1 when he was around 2.5 and started jumping out of his crib. He would not sleep alone after that and would not stay in his bed under any circumstances. Since we have a king size bed, it was not that bad. The only issue is that either DH or I would have to go to bed with him early in order for him to fall asleep. He has recently started sleeping in his bed again and he is now 4.

Thank you!
Catherine

[YouAreTheFocus]

We are in the midst of a similar situation w/ our 18 mo old. I believe it is a phase (knock on wood) and we are nearing the end. But for the past 2 wks or so, our son has woken up hysterically screaming & crying in the middle of the night. Neither one of us is willing to deal w/ sleep training in the middle of the night (or back pat for 30 min). So we just stagger in there, grab the baby, bring him back to our bed, and we all go back to sleep. But we always still put him down in his own crib (like yours he goes to sleep perfectly fine), so I don't want to mess with that. I def don't want to start the habit of having to lay down with him for him to go to sleep. He's also been napping fine in his crib. I figure eventually he will go back to making it through the night in his own crib (last night he made it through for the first time in ~2 wks). We'll see what tonight brings.

I don't know if this is helpful at all, just sounded like we're in a similar situation. Would going and getting her when she wakes up, and bringing her to your bed (w/ your husband) work for you? We just pull our pillows way to the sides and lay him down in the middle w/ his head all the way up to the headboard. For the record we are not thrilled about it--we are not fans of cosleeping by any stretch--but desperate times have called for desperate measures.

[crl]

I think our bed just feels too unsafe for me. DH is often still up working when she screams for the first time so that whole side of the bed is unprotected. And he is an incredibly heavy sleeper at times so I am not sure about him sleeping with her anyway. But I am envisioning something like what you are describing, where I still put her down in her crib to start with and for naps. (Naps have been fine.)

Maybe I should start by putting a twin mattress in the floor in her room and sleeping with her on that after she wakes up screaming. If that works and it looks to be a longer term situation, then I could get the spare bed set up for us.

Thanks!
Catherine

[citymama]

To update my long and rambling post on the previous page - I guess what I am saying is: don't try and come up with a radical/expensive/permanent solution to what is essentially a moving target. Try to be consistent on your end with the same soothing bedtime ritual, and she will most likely cycle back to a more consistent sleep pattern as well. Trying to keep up with their sleep cycle ups and downs and swings is sometimes like trying to mop your yard in the rain. You'll just have to do it all over again, so maybe just wait and try and be comfy while doing so! (Get a comfy chair in her room or a PnP by your bed so you can rest while trying to get her down.)

[YouAreTheFocus]

I think our bed just feels too unsafe for me. DH is often still up working when she screams for the first time so that whole side of the bed is unprotected. And he is an incredibly heavy sleeper at times so I am not sure about him sleeping with her anyway. But I am envisioning something like what you are describing, where I still put her down in her crib to start with and for naps. (Naps have been fine.)

Maybe I should start by putting a twin mattress in the floor in her room and sleeping with her on that after she wakes up screaming. If that works and it looks to be a longer term situation, then I could get the spare bed set up for us.

Thanks!
Catherine

Ahh, ok, gotcha. I wouldn't want to do it with only one person in the bed, and not at all if you feel your bed is unsafe. I can't remember now from earlier in the thread--is there anywhere else you could put the extra mattress? With my son I'd worry about him being able to see "his & mama's bed" when I was trying to put him down alone. I can just picture him pointing at it and getting upset. But maybe I am over-thinking it!!

[SoloMelody]

I would not co-sleep unless you are ready to do it for a while. It is hard to kick them out of your bed once they get used to it!

:yeahthat:

we are dealing with it now. DD is almost 3 and yes we co-slept on and off since she has turned 2. She will go down in her bed but if/when she wakes up at night, she will walk straight to our room and want to cuddle and sleep with me.

Because she can understand cause and effect now, we try to bribe her with stars, chocolates whatever it takes for her to stay in her bed till she sees daylight! Better off if you can stop it early or never do it...

[sunnyside]

I have the go bed bug foam for my bed and cosleep with my 8 month old. That said, she recently began sitting up in bed in the morning or wiggling around on all fours. (She's a very new crawler). I now never leave her in the bed by herself and we will be putting the mattress on the floor tomorrow. Because the foam pieces are nice for when we are all there, but she could go over them... FYI.

[crl]

Thanks for the thoughts everyone!

Catherine