S/O Dysfunctional Family - How are you now?

[lovin2shop]

Following the poll on the dysfunctional family, it is rather sad to see the numbers in first two catagories are currently equal to the non-dysfunctional. I voted in #2 as my family definitely had (has) its issues. So for those of you that faced these hard life issues as a child, how have you moved past them? How does it affect your family today? Do you feel that you've conquered your circumstances, or do you fear that your children will grow up to check the disfunctional box also?

[g-mama]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I am utterly amazed that I was able to choose a very emotionally healthy, well balanced, amazing husband who is not dysfunctional in the least. Our family life is happy and our home is a comforting, safe, secure place for my kids to grow up. Thank God, I was able to change my life around and not inadvertently re-create the same life I grew up with.

I went through some therapy in my college years because I kept choosing controlling, mean, selfish men like my father and didn't feel I deserved any more than that. It was very helpful to me. I don't think otherwise I would've been able to be in a place where I could find my even-keeled, steady, stable husband to be an attractive (and not boring by my standards back then) mate. I thrived on riding an emotional roller coaster and didn't know what it felt like to be treasured and valued.

I don't think my children will have to check the 'dysfunctional' box when they grow up and I am so grateful for that.

[hellokitty]

I seem pretty, "normal" to most ppl. However, my biggest trigger is when I have to spend time with my parents, I become a completely different person, the same goes with my brothers. Basically, everyone just loses it when they are around my parents, b/c we held it all in for so many decades, we no longer hold it in and my parents are upset, b/c they think that something is wrong with us for being so angry, even though it is their fault that we are like this. We are only like this when we are around my parents, they just set us off. I hate the way I am when I am around them and the reminder when I am with them of what it was like to be brought up by them and the bad memories.

My own family is fine. DH is normal (although his family has some dysfunction, mainly his mom, his dad is fine) and my kids are fine. They will grow up in a healthy and loving family, b/c I refuse to put them deal with what I had to deal with. Basically, I function as a normal person on a daily basis, but I carry a lot of emotional baggage and worse yet, b/c of my upbringing, I'm constantly second guessing myself as a parent, since I am bringing my kids up opposite from the way I was brought up. I know it's the right thing to do, but it's such new territory to bring my kids up differently from the way I was raised. It sounds awful, but I'm often jealous of my own kids and how, "normal" their childhood is compared to the crap I grew up with.

[niccig]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I am utterly amazed that I was able to choose a very emotionally healthy, well balanced, amazing husband who is not dysfunctional in the least. Our family life is happy and our home is a comforting, safe, secure place for my kids to grow up. Thank God, I was able to change my life around and not inadvertently re-create the same life I grew up with.

I don't think my children will have to check the 'dysfunctional' box when they grow up and I am so grateful for that.

I'm in the same position. I read your other post and our childhoods sound similar. I too am very surprised that I choose Dh and didn't repeat the cycle. I thank my lucky stars anytime I have to deal with my parents. My younger sister did, she's divorced and now in her mid-30's is getting her life together.

I've been seeing a therapist for the last year, and that has helped to deal with things still hanging on for childhood and to make sure that none are repeated with DS.

He's growing up with 2 parents that show they love each other, and not yelling, emotional and physical abuse by both parents. He is off to such a better start in life.

[ShanaMama]

However, my biggest trigger is when I have to spend time with my parents, I become a completely different person, the same goes with my brothers.

This is me as well. I grew up with mild dysfunction, no abuse or anything. The issues I had growing up definitely affected my life choices & continue to do so. I have a lot of resentment to my mother & have not been able to move past it. A couple of years with an excellent therapist really helped me understand what was dysfunctional, validate myself & extricate myself from those patterns. DH grew up in a completely dysfunctional family that is getting worse with time.
What works for me is distance & when we have no alternative, inviting them here. Having them on my turf is so much different than going there & getting sucked back into the bad patterns. DH is very good with boundaries, so no two week visits going on here. He'll start ushering people out after 2 hours! :bighand:
I have definitely gone to a bit of the other extreme with my girls, but DH & I are on the same page as most issues. I helicopter more than I'd like to & constantly strive to find a balance. My concern is that my kids will be too coddled (sp?) but DH feels that things will balance out. Parenting is a work in progress for us!

[swissair81]

The circumstances that made my life ever so slightly dysfunctional are not present in my current life. Not that my kids won't find other things to complain about. Don't most kids?

[hellokitty]

This is me as well. I grew up with mild dysfunction, no abuse or anything. The issues I had growing up definitely affected my life choices & continue to do so. I have a lot of resentment to my mother & have not been able to move past it. A couple of years with an excellent therapist really helped me understand what was dysfunctional, validate myself & extricate myself from those patterns. DH grew up in a completely dysfunctional family that is getting worse with time.
What works for me is distance & when we have no alternative, inviting them here. Having them on my turf is so much different than going there & getting sucked back into the bad patterns. DH is very good with boundaries, so no two week visits going on here. He'll start ushering people out after 2 hours! :bighand:
I have definitely gone to a bit of the other extreme with my girls, but DH & I are on the same page as most issues. I helicopter more than I'd like to & constantly strive to find a balance. My concern is that my kids will be too coddled (sp?) but DH feels that things will balance out. Parenting is a work in progress for us!

I agree with you that it's much worse when we have to go to my parents' house, vs them coming here. However, they feel that 50 min is too far to drive to visit us, so rarely come over (which is good thing) and when they do, only stay and hr and leave, saying they have better things to do (nice, huh?). At this point, it's almost like whatever they do will annoy me, but yeah I find myself regressing when I am at their place and I can feel myself slipping, but have such a hard time controlling my emotions around them (tend to blow up easily).

[Globetrotter]

I'm doing my best to bring up MY kids in a healthy, safe environment. When I consider how much effort I put into making a happy life for them (and they really are blessed in that way, though it hasn't always been perfect), it really magnifies what I missed out on, BUT I also know part of that is generational. Also, they were first generation immigrants and didn't understand a lot of things - that stuff I can understand, but it's the deeper, darker stuff that gets to me.


However, my biggest trigger is when I have to spend time with my parents, I become a completely different person

:yeahthat: This is why I cannot live near them, and it will kill me when/if they move in with us, but I don't know how to avoid that. For those of you who come from similar backgrounds where parents tend to move in with their kids in old age, do you just forgive and forget? It will make me crazy! [deleted some of the drama LOL]

[StantonHyde]

Globetrotter--they don't have to move in with you. There are assisted living places etc where they can go. Seriously. DH and I had this discussion--NOBODY is moving in with us. They can live nearby if necessary butg they are not living in our home. And we will not be responsible for managing their medical care (eg nursing home etc) in another city. If they want that, they need to be here. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

[hellokitty]

I'm doing my best to bring up MY kids in a healthy, safe environment. When I consider how much effort I put into making a happy life for them (and they really are blessed in that way, though it hasn't always been perfect), it really magnifies what I missed out on, BUT I also know part of that is generational. Also, they were first generation immigrants and didn't understand a lot of things - that stuff I can understand, but it's the deeper, darker stuff that gets to me.



:yeahthat: This is why I cannot live near them, and it will kill me when/if they move in with us, but I don't know how to avoid that. For those of you who come from similar backgrounds where parents tend to move in with their kids in old age, do you just forgive and forget? It will make me crazy! [deleted some of the drama LOL]

I could have written your entire post. As for parents moving in, this is a sore topic for me. My parents will most likely not try to move in with me, but with one of my brothers. However, I feel the same exact way as you do, if I were in the same situation. My poor brother (I'm the oldest, but he is the oldest son) has been dealing with my parents dropping huge hints that they want to move closer to him. Even the mere idea of them moving closer to him, w/o living in the same house, has him completely petrified, and I don't blame him at all. We have one brother who seems to be more in the, "forgive and forget" mentality and at this point (he says my parents are getting old and also he was the coddled child, so doesn't hold as much resentment as my other brother and I do), my other brother and I are like, "well, if he's willing to F&F, then HE should take mom and dad!" Most esp the F&F brother is the one who lives in an area with a decent ethnic population that my parents would seek out, so they would be socially happier and maybe wouldn't smother him as much, b/c they would have a social life. I know my sil would crap her pants though if my parents moved closer to them, she can't stand my parents (nobody can, I'm convinced that even their friends are ditching them).

My sore point is that my korean mil is hell bent that she is entitled to move in with one of her sons. Traditionally, BIL being the oldest would be the one stuck with the burden, but really he doesn't want her either. My DH is the, "nice" son, so I know he would take her if it came down to her needing to (and even though she denies it, my DH is the son she favors, so she always tends to go to him if she needs/wants something), "go" somewhere and bil refused to step up to the responsibility (even though he has both the $ and room to take her in, that we don't have). FTR, if you haven't seen my bitching sessions, I do NOT like my mil at all. My DH and I have gotten into numerous arguments about his mom's wishes to go live with one of her sons eventually. I told him that she could get an apt in the same town, but I do not want her living AT our house. Since her personality is to ALWAYS dominate, if she moved in, it wouldn't be my house anymore. He of course says that he could never do something like that to his mother. The thing is, if she moves in, *I* will move out, that's how much I dislike her. I refuse to put up with it and I am pretty sure my DH realizes this, but just doesn't want to think about the alternative of his mom living in a nursing facility or assisted living community.

From the way I have described things, my mil sounds like a widow, right? Nope, fil is alive and well. I actually would take my fil into our household with open arms. He is a very kind, generous and gentle person. My mil is the opposite and worse yet, my mil doesn't even CARE what happens to my fil with these plans she has in her head. She only cares what happens to her, this is how selfish of a person she is, she has told us that she doesn't care where fil goes! My bil and sil would also take in fil with open arms. However, once again, mil the is the one nobody wants. I don't know what will happen in the end. My sil told me that she as shocked (and pissed) that bil asked his parents to move closer to them. She can't stand my mil either, basically whoever is with her, becomes completely miserable. So, maybe bil will take them. However, you just never know. I am still fearful that we will be put on the spot and my DH will just let his mom bully her way into our home.

In the end, as StatonHyde said, it's our decision to say, "no," but we can make other arrangements Of course, b/c the tradition of taking in elderly parents has been ingrained into our heads since we were little kids, it's really hard to go against the way we were brought up. Basically, all of my asian american friends struggle with this, esp those who do not have good relationships with their parents (most of them). Even the ones who have rotten relationships, say that they would feel too guilty to stick their parents in a nursing home, yet they know that they would be miserable if their parents moved in with them. For me, it's just a sheer panicky feeling just thinking about the idea of either of my parents or mil living with us. My brother had said that maybe we would shuffle our parents btwn the three of us, basically spreading the hell. I don't think my parents could deal with having to move that often, so it's probably not even something that would ever be seriously considered. I just don't know what we will do, but my gut instinct is that I know that I mentally cannot handle my parents or mil living with us. I would probably have a mental breakdown. At the same time, I remind myself that it's their own fault too, not just mine for not wanting to take them in. If they were pleasant, supportive, loving parents (and mil), this would not be an issue. However, they have caused our relationship to be like this! My DH told me that his mom is scared that we (sil and I) are going to stick her in a nursing home. Well, I don't know WTF is going through my mil's mind, but if she was so scared of this, she should have thought about trying to be NICE to sil and I, instead of being an evil witch to us. Mil makes it sound as if it's not her fault that sil and I don't like her, but she has done so many hateful things, it IS her own fault. So, now I feel like she made her bed and now she should lay in it. I feel very similarly about my parents as well, most esp my dad. My mom I have some sympathy for, BUT she enabled my father to be the way he is, and I do have resentment toward her about that and also that she took out a lot of her frustration from dealing with my dad on us kids.

Anyway, sorry to write a book. I also feel like I can't talk about this with most of my friends, they just don't get it.

[twowhat?]

Wow. I've been following the dysfunctional family threads and my heart goes out to all of you who grew up in that kind of environment.

I wouldn't call my family or DH's dysfunctional even though they've had issues. Though if you polled an asian population our parent's age, they'd definitely say DH's family was dysfucntional because *GASP* his parents are *divorced*. Woooo-weeee.... But as a result of the divorce and the strength of DH's mother (and I love my MIL), DH grew up in a loving and supportive environment. My own parents have their issues and I was raised on the Tiger Mom spectrum (the mild end of it, I think), but generally grew up in a loving and supportive environment.

I can't imagine the h*ll some of you go through on what seems like a daily basis regarding your families (:wavey: hellokitty!) But coming from that background and seeing some of my friends experience similar things, I get why there just isn't an easy way out.

Big hugs to all of you, and I really admire you all after reading these stories! Boy I feel like I've had it easy...

[luckytwenty]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I am utterly amazed that I was able to choose a very emotionally healthy, well balanced, amazing husband who is not dysfunctional in the least. Our family life is happy and our home is a comforting, safe, secure place for my kids to grow up. Thank God, I was able to change my life around and not inadvertently re-create the same life I grew up with.

I went through some therapy in my college years because I kept choosing controlling, mean, selfish men like my father and didn't feel I deserved any more than that. It was very helpful to me. I don't think otherwise I would've been able to be in a place where I could find my even-keeled, steady, stable husband to be an attractive (and not boring by my standards back then) mate. I thrived on riding an emotional roller coaster and didn't know what it felt like to be treasured and valued.

I don't think my children will have to check the 'dysfunctional' box when they grow up and I am so grateful for that.

OMG, it freaked me out to read this--are we sisters??? There isn't a single word I'd change from what you wrote above in describing my own life, dating history and current family. My husband, who indeed treasures and values me, and my father, who does not, never got along and eventually I stopped talking to my father after a big blow out. The lack of a presence of a maternal grandfather (who my kids don't remember) might be the only thing "off" about my kids' home life, but hopefully that is minor enough to endure.

[maestramommy]

Wow. I've been following the dysfunctional family threads and my heart goes out to all of you who grew up in that kind of environment.

I wouldn't call my family or DH's dysfunctional even though they've had issues. Though if you polled an asian population our parent's age, they'd definitely say DH's family was dysfucntional because *GASP* his parents are *divorced*. Woooo-weeee.... But as a result of the divorce and the strength of DH's mother (and I love my MIL), DH grew up in a loving and supportive environment. My own parents have their issues and I was raised on the Tiger Mom spectrum (the mild end of it, I think), but generally grew up in a loving and supportive environment.

I can't imagine the h*ll some of you go through on what seems like a daily basis regarding your families (:wavey: hellokitty!) But coming from that background and seeing some of my friends experience similar things, I get why there just isn't an easy way out.

Big hugs to all of you, and I really admire you all after reading these stories! Boy I feel like I've had it easy...
:yeahthat: Pretty much what I was thinking, although my parents and ILs are not divorced. There was plenty of strife though, and my parents still bicker all.the.time. They should've gotten to counseling, but now I think it's too late. I thought my family was dysfunctional, but now I'm thinking we got off easy. :grouphug::grouphug: to some of the pp. I give you all :bowdown: for making it through and creating your own happy families.

[Globetrotter]

In the end, as StatonHyde said, it's our decision to say, "no," but we can make other arrangements Of course, b/c the tradition of taking in elderly parents has been ingrained into our heads since we were little kids, it's really hard to go against the way we were brought up. Basically, all of my asian american friends struggle with this, esp those who do not have good relationships with their parents (most of them). Even the ones who have rotten relationships, say that they would feel too guilty to stick their parents in a nursing home, yet they know that they would be miserable if their parents moved in with them.

Yes, exactly. So what do we do? :) Actually, a few of my friends bought their in-laws condos in the neighboring town so they live independently but are nearby in case they need anything. I cannot imagine either of my parents living alone (without the other) - dad has a disability and mom, well, she can barely manage her life now so I can't imagine her alone! I guess I could go buy a three acre mansion with in-law quarters and dedicated help staff for MY parents so I don't have to deal with them :tongue5:

I've heard there are retirement centers for ethnic populations - perhaps I misunderstood? Okay, looks like we are not the first ones with this dilemma!
http://lda.ucdavis.edu/people/2007/JYang.pdf
When I googled, i found a few here and there. We are screwed regardless, so may as well preserve our sanity and start marketing this idea to our parents :rotflmao:

Like you said, most of my friends don't get it IRT their own parents (in-laws are an entirely different matter - oh, the stories I could tell, though thankfully I am very fond of my own in-laws!). I have one friend who totally relates, but her parents live overseas and have no desire to move here.. phew..

[hellokitty]

Yes, exactly. So what do we do? :) Actually, a few of my friends bought their in-laws condos in the neighboring town so they live independently but are nearby in case they need anything. I cannot imagine either of my parents living alone (without the other) - dad has a disability and mom, well, she can barely manage her life now so I can't imagine her alone! I guess I could go buy a three acre mansion with in-law quarters and dedicated help staff for MY parents so I don't have to deal with them :tongue5:

I've heard there are retirement centers for ethnic populations - perhaps I misunderstood? Okay, looks like we are not the first ones with this dilemma!
http://lda.ucdavis.edu/people/2007/JYang.pdf
When I googled, i found a few here and there. We are screwed regardless, so may as well preserve our sanity and start marketing this idea to our parents :rotflmao:

Like you said, most of my friends don't get it IRT their own parents (in-laws are an entirely different matter - oh, the stories I could tell, though thankfully I am very fond of my own in-laws!). I have one friend who totally relates, but her parents live overseas and have no desire to move here.. phew..

I kwym. My dad is basically helpless. He isn't disabled, but he has a parasitic personality and my mom (who has lived a miserable life under his rule) is the only reason he is alive, b/c he acts as if he is incapable of taking care of himself. He is like a 70 yr old adult baby, my brothers and I are disgusted that he acts so helpless and my mom just enables him to continue. To make matters worse, he is in poor health. Nothing really bad, but basically a huge collection of chronic conditions that could blow up into an acute situation any minute, mostly b/c he goes out of his way NOT to take care of himself, to try to make my mother feel bad for him. Ie: he's diabetic, so if he is mad about my mom about something dumb (which is 95% of the time), he will eat something he knows he is not supposed to eat to, "hurt" her, even though he is hurting himself. Yes, he obviously lacks rational thought and this is one reason why it is so miserable to be around him, b/c he thinks his way is the only way to do things, even though his way of doing things make everyone else miserable.

My mom would be ok living on her own, but would be incredibly sad and lonely. She is a really social person. My dad is anti-social, so I have no clue why they got married. They are so opposite and no they were not in an arranged marriage, that is what blows my mind that my mom willingly married a monster. In fact he berates her for being a, "social butterfly" all of the time, b/c I suspect he is jealous of her. My mom has claimed before that my dad, "tricked" her into marrying him. As a kid I thought that she was being weird (from my POV, my dad has always been a miserable person, I have never seen his, "nice" side before), but as an adult I seriously do feel now that he knowingly manipulated her into marrying him (ie: was nice to her and then as soon as they got married, showed his true colors, my mom told me she was shocked after she got married at how he changed). My mom would maybe do ok in an assisted living facility where there are other ethnic ppl like her. It sounds awful to say it, but I hope my dad dies before my mom does, so my mom will be able to re-start her life again and maybe find some happiness in her own life. However, with murphy's law, my mom will probably die first and then my dad will probably live forever, b/c he makes everyone miserable, and miserable ppl never seem to go away.

So, what's the big problem? Well, there are NO ethnic nursing homes in our area. We are in OH. I know of one in MI, where a friend's grandfather (korean) is at and is happy with the arrangement. My mil mentioned one in TX, BUT I really think that she is not serious, but basically trying to guilt us into taking her in. She told us that she forces fil to, "practice" eating, "american" foods, so that when they have to go to a nursing home, he won't whither away and die. :rolleye0014: Yeah, bring on the sappy violin music, right? Ironically, my fil is not picky about food, my mil is the one who would be unhappy about the food situation, but she lacks the ability to see fault in herself and interprets everyone else as being the problem. And yet again, the whole nursing home talk is her way of trying to manipulate and guilt us. I do not think that she would ever seriously consider it, she is just trying to make us feel bad. Each time my DH tells me this his mother is, "scared to death" that we will send her to a nursing home, I tell her, "she should be." It sounds so bad to say that, but seriously. Like I said, she did this to herself. Nobody wants to be around someone like her, I don't know how my fil does it, he probably stays married to her, b/c they're catholic and to, "save face."

So yeah, we are back at square one. Rationally, you and I both know that living with our parents (and in my case mil too) would not be a workable situation. IF I can find a retirement village/nursing home closer by that catered toward 1st gen immigrant asians, I would definitely consider it. However, as far as I know, there isn't one close by. I think my parents would be open to a situation where they could retire in an assisted living type of situation with other ppl of the same ethnicity (since they seem to refuse to want to socialize with anyone else), TOGETHER, but I don't know if they would be willing to do it alone. In my in laws case, I don't think it will work out. My mil is not even well liked among the korean church community that she belongs too, basically, she's just not a likable person, she has NO friends at all. The ppl at her church simply put up with her, b/c she is a member of their church, but I have been to her church before and you can tell by the way ppl treat her and the way they look at her, that she is not liked (weirdly, my mil believes that everyone at her church likes her and look up to her as a role model, lol, she is so delusional). My fil would do ok, but at the same time too, my fil isn't a problem since I would have absolutely no problem taking him into our home and my bil/sil would feel the same way. It's my darn mil, that is going to be the big, ginormous PITA. Bil's last house was not only huge, but also had a detached guest house. All of us had commented that it seemed like the perfect in law suite. Well, my mil went there and they thought it would be nice to let her stay in the guest house (across the driveway) and she refused to do it! Instead, she insisted on kicking my niece out of her room and stayed there instead! So, this is why I feel like my mil will not be happy unless she is IN one of our homes. She won't even stand to be 20 ft away in her own private guest house!

I too fear that basically if one spouse dies, the other will be unable to live on their own. Out of the three that I can't stand, I could probably take my mom in if we had to. I would refuse to take my dad or my mil and I don't really have much guilt about sticking them in a nursing home. I know it sounds cold-hearted of me. Both of them are just miserable, selfish ppl, who could probably be diagnosed with NPD, if it were still an available diagnosis on the DSM-IV. It is really no surprise the path that their life has taken, to the point where none of their grown children want anything to do with them. My DH feels filial duty to his parents, and even though he won't admit it, he knows his mother is toxic. He even told me, "she sucks the joy out of everything." His words, not mine. I don't know if you are a Harry Potter fan, but basically, she's a demonator, lol. :ROTFLMAO: Yes, filial duty runs deep, but if you are a toxic person, even filial duty will not survive. I agree with you that either way it seems that we are screwed. I have had this topic hanging over my head for the past 10 yrs and keep going around in circles about what to do with my parents and in laws when it is time to figure that out. I resent the entitlement among first gen asian american immigrants that they should be able to live with their adult children, even if they have done nothing but treat their kids like crap and that the adult children are in the wrong if they refuse to go along with it. It's such a sh*tty tradition. It would be a different story if they were good parents and nice ppl, but basically I feel like this kind of tradition just give them a free pass to act like irrational, overgrown toddlers and try to make it so you are stuck with them, even if they don't deserve you to take care of them.