food battle

[Sweetum]

So far DS has been good with eating food. But lately he has been acting up - wants the "good" stuff all the time. I offer a huge variety of food, from gourmet(!) to simple, but he wants very specific things, like his yogurt for example. Today, I made his usual dinner and he took one bite and then refused to eat more. He then started to ask for his yogurt. If this were the first time or one of the few times, I would've given in, but this is happening almost everyday now! So, today I decided to stand my own, and told him, you eat this and then if you have space, yogurt, otherwise nothing. He didn't budge for a while. I repeatedly asked him and once DH and I were done with dinner I was going to ask one more time and if the answer was no, I would've let him sleep hungry. But he said yes, so I gave him some of his dinner. Again, one spoon and that's it. That's when I started to think maybe he doesn't like my cooking (not today, at least), and I felt guilty. But since he's had way too many milk products today, I didn't want to give him yogurt. While I offered other things, he pulled out the baked oatmeal container. Again, I wouldn't have minded if he is not continually choosing sweet things. But I finally gave in and gave him the baked oatmeal. How should I handle these situations? Also, I have no idea how to make him eat veggies or fruit lately - he spits out everything, unless it's mashed up and mixed in something else. If he were the type that doesn't want to eat and is stubborn with not eating, I would just say "ok, time for bed". But he's hungry!! And he's begging for food, just that it should be the kind he wants. What do do????? thanks in advance.

ETA: and what do you do when you suspect it's your cooking that DC don't like :(

[wellyes]

Typical toddler behavior but it's still really, really hard. I have a difficult time with DD and am not really in a position to offer advice. But I will say, everything I've ever read says it's unwise to say "You must eat [what I offer] before you get [what you want]". Or even to try to force kids to eat anything. All you can do is offer healthy options constantly, model healthy eating. And probably would be smart to NOT constantly offer tastier alternatives (I struggle with this too).

Good blog on the subject: http://itsnotaboutnutrition.squarespace.com/
Here are 10 ways you may be unintentionally teaching your kids NOT to eat dinner. You… 1) Let your child go at a yummy snack or appetizer (cheese and crackers, hummus and chips) just before dinner. Lesson Learned: Dinner isn't really important; I fill up whenever I eat; Snacks are tastier than meals.
2) Serve a delicious dessert that your child knows is coming (because you keep telling her she has to eat a few more bites of dinner if she wants some), and which she thinks is worth holding out for. Lesson Learned: Dinner is a chore but desserts rock; Mom and Dad think desserts are tastier than "real" food too; I know exactly how much I have to eat before I'm allowed to get to the good stuff.
3) Serve lots of milk with dinner, especially when your child is thirsty. Lesson Learned: My parents like it when I drink milk; I can fill up on anything I want.
4) Prepare your child’s favorite dinner when he dawdles so long eating the dinner you originally prepared that you want to tear your hair out (or get on with your evening). Lesson Learned: I can hold out longer than my parents; If I make my parents really miserable they give me what I want.
5) Reward your child’s refusal to even taste what you’ve cooked by whipping up something you know he prefers. (This technique works best if you have a bit of a fight with your child before giving in.) Lesson Learned: When I'm stubborn I get my way; Sometimes it takes a good fight to get the "good" food, but it's worth it.
6)Give in to your child’s request for an after-dinner snack (even though last night you swore you would never do that again) because you’re afraid she’ll get hungry sometime during the night. Lesson Learned: Why eat dinner? There's always something better later; Saying "I'm hungry" is a great procrastination technique; My parents fear my hunger, maybe I should too.
7) Put so much pressure on your child to eat that it’s a point of honor for him to resist. Lesson Learned: Eating is a power struggle and I usually win.
8) Teach your child the mindset that he has to eat a certain number of bites (instead of listen to his hunger/satiation signals). Then spend the rest of the meal continually negotiating down the number of bites you tell your child he has to eat before being excused from the table. Before long, the number of bites will approach zero. Lesson Learned: My parents think they know better than me how much I should eat; My parents don't really mean what they say; If I hold out, I get my way—eventually.
9) Tell your child he should eat something because it’s healthy, because he wants to grow up big and strong, because his big brother eats it. Lesson Learned: I know I don't want to eat that food because my parents have taught me that healthy food tastes bad (see Lesson #2).
10) Insist your child sit at the table when there’s something really, really exciting happening in the next room. Lesson Learned: The quicker I can convince my parents that I'm not hungry the sooner I can get back to the fun.

[ahisma]

Ugh, that's my least favorite aspect of toddlerhood.

Our approach has been to not make it a battle, but not cave. I let the kids pick breakfast and lunch, from mom approved options. Honestly, they chose to eat the same things pretty much every day for those meals - homemade oatmeal with bananas, raisins and walnuts for lunch, PB&J with fruit for lunch. Not my top choices, but not awful in the grand scheme of things. I make sure that we're making it whole grains, good ingredients, etc. I make our own jam, so I'm sneakily getting my cooking in their belly anyway, LOL.

Dinner is more tricky, because I chose the meal and don't offer alternate choices. Either they eat, or they don't. DD was a nightmare, but there were extenuating circumstances (she was often with her dad, who fed her chicken nuggets daily). Now, she LOVES veggies and is a very, very adventurous eater. It does happen:)

DS1 was pretty agreeable and would always give it a whirl, but that's his personality. DS2 has been a handful. I finally did wind up offering him options because he went months without eating a substantial dinner. That said, I was confident that he was eating plenty through the day, I promise that he was not going undernourished.

Basically, we instituted a policy where if he tried one bite, he got desert. My reasoning for that was that I think he has some borderline sensory issues combined with intense stubbornness and I really just wanted to get him to the point of trying things. Desert was yogurt, fruit, zucchini muffins etc...not sugary stuff. So, if all he ate was a bite and desert, life was okay:) For a while he wouldn't do the bite, so he'd get an option (non exciting, but I needed to get food in the boy!), but then no desert. That only lasted about a month - the boy wanted desert:) But, we did it in a totally laid back way - I acted like I really, really didn't care if he tried it or not, it was totally up to him. If he didn't want it, no desert, but I really didn't care as far as he knew. FWIW, he *always* took those bites when he thought I wasn't looking. Always. Stinker.

Now, finally, he's coming out of it. Last night he happily ate hummus and veggies, the night before he ate homemade nachos with tons of veggies.

Also, getting out into the garden and into the kitchen helps a lot. DS2 will eat veggies like crazy, as long has they're directly off the plant. Bring those exact same veggies into the kitchen and they're not nearly as appealing. He also likes to help in the kitchen and is much more likely to try something that he helped make. And, even if he doesn't try it, I figure that he's getting used to it by helping make it.

Sorry that got so long, it's definitely something that we've anguished over here!

[Smillow]

Sunshineandme - my DS is the same age (2/2009) and I understand your frustration! I try (some days are better than others) to put out a variety of food for dinner and put a little bit of everything on DS's plate (per Ellie Slater) and let him eat what he will. He almost never eats vegetables but loves fruit (usually). I try really hard not to be too concerned as long as I offer healthy foods to him throughout the day (most days).

Thanks for posting that list, Wellyes! I have a question about this, though:

10) Insist your child sit at the table when there’s something really, really exciting happening in the next room. Lesson Learned: The quicker I can convince my parents that I'm not hungry the sooner I can get back to the fun.
My DS often wants to get up from dinner almost as soon as we sit down. I know he isn't always a big dinner eater, but I want to teach him that we sit down for dinner as a family. He will often come back to get bites to eat if we let him loose. Any pointers?

[Sweetum]

thanks for the list PP, interesting set.

today I made pasta and cheese - probably the first time in a long time (when our battles had not started yet). He was really hungry. So, he ate a few bites. Afterward, he started spitting it out, almost as if he didn't like the feel in his mouth. Then I offered him what he had for lunch. Didn't want it. Then I started to each the pasta and cheese, and he seemed to want it. I gave some. spat it out again. I could see he was hungry, but I didn't offer him anything more - I didn't have anything else to offer him! I gave him his vitamin with some orange juice which he filled up on, and now he's in bed. I could see he was hungry and really wanted to eat something, but didn't like what he was offered. Since I didn't have anything else, I couldn't offer and now my baby is asleep on an almost empty stomach :( Is this how they learn to eat what's offered?

[MamaMolly]

I strongly suggest you read this: http://www.amazon.com/Child-Mine-Feeding-Love-Sense/dp/0923521518/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1302274246&sr=8-3 or anything else by this author. It will really, really, really help.

You are responsible for choosing what and when your child eats. Your child is responsible for choosing how much and weather or not to eat. It sounds easy, but doing it is HARD at first. This book has made a tremendous positive difference in the way I feed my children. Good luck.

[soontobe]

Ugh, that's my least favorite aspect of toddlerhood.

Our approach has been to not make it a battle, but not cave. I let the kids pick breakfast and lunch, from mom approved options. Honestly, they chose to eat the same things pretty much every day for those meals - homemade oatmeal with bananas, raisins and walnuts for lunch, PB&J with fruit for lunch. Not my top choices, but not awful in the grand scheme of things. I make sure that we're making it whole grains, good ingredients, etc. I make our own jam, so I'm sneakily getting my cooking in their belly anyway, LOL.

Dinner is more tricky, because I chose the meal and don't offer alternate choices. Either they eat, or they don't. DD was a nightmare, but there were extenuating circumstances (she was often with her dad, who fed her chicken nuggets daily). Now, she LOVES veggies and is a very, very adventurous eater. It does happen:)

DS1 was pretty agreeable and would always give it a whirl, but that's his personality. DS2 has been a handful. I finally did wind up offering him options because he went months without eating a substantial dinner. That said, I was confident that he was eating plenty through the day, I promise that he was not going undernourished.

Basically, we instituted a policy where if he tried one bite, he got desert. My reasoning for that was that I think he has some borderline sensory issues combined with intense stubbornness and I really just wanted to get him to the point of trying things. Desert was yogurt, fruit, zucchini muffins etc...not sugary stuff. So, if all he ate was a bite and desert, life was okay:) For a while he wouldn't do the bite, so he'd get an option (non exciting, but I needed to get food in the boy!), but then no desert. That only lasted about a month - the boy wanted desert:) But, we did it in a totally laid back way - I acted like I really, really didn't care if he tried it or not, it was totally up to him. If he didn't want it, no desert, but I really didn't care as far as he knew. FWIW, he *always* took those bites when he thought I wasn't looking. Always. Stinker.

Now, finally, he's coming out of it. Last night he happily ate hummus and veggies, the night before he ate homemade nachos with tons of veggies.

Also, getting out into the garden and into the kitchen helps a lot. DS2 will eat veggies like crazy, as long has they're directly off the plant. Bring those exact same veggies into the kitchen and they're not nearly as appealing. He also likes to help in the kitchen and is much more likely to try something that he helped make. And, even if he doesn't try it, I figure that he's getting used to it by helping make it.

Sorry that got so long, it's definitely something that we've anguished over here!

k I NEED the recipes for homemade jelly and nachos PLEASE!!!!:bowdown:

[daisymommy]

If it continues for awhile, I would talk to your pediatrician about possible sensory concerns (which can be helped with a feeding therapist). Red flags for me:
-wants only very particular things.
-prefers things mashed up and smooth
-Is hungry, but every time he puts something in his mouth and feels it, cannot bring himself to eat it, even though he is hungry.

It may very well be a stage that will pass. Or it may be something bigger than that, and he might benefit from outside help. Only time will tell.

[ashleybama24]

I make one meal for breakfast/lunch/dinner and if my son refuses to eat...well he can wait until the next meal. Now that sounds mean but I don't have time to cook seperate meals to accomodate picky palates. I do try and include foods I know DS likes...green veggies for example are almost always part of his dinner. But I also try to periodically offer something new or that has been rejected in the past just in case it might suddenly be a winner. Just this week DS actually ate fruit! Sounds silly but my son has flat our refused fruit since he moved from baby food to real food. I even went back to making baby food (just fruit) for awhile and he still refused to eat it!

With toddlers they are trying to figure out the rules, what they can and can't get away with, as well as trying to be in control. Just be patient. You sound like you are doing a great job....keep offering him choices and he if he refuses to eat what you make...oh well. He won't starve himself and will eventually come around.

[BayGirl2]

I strongly suggest you read this: http://www.amazon.com/Child-Mine-Feeding-Love-Sense/dp/0923521518/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1302274246&sr=8-3 or anything else by this author. It will really, really, really help.

You are responsible for choosing what and when your child eats. Your child is responsible for choosing how much and weather or not to eat. It sounds easy, but doing it is HARD at first. This book has made a tremendous positive difference in the way I feed my children. Good luck.


I make one meal for breakfast/lunch/dinner and if my son refuses to eat...well he can wait until the next meal. Now that sounds mean but I don't have time to cook seperate meals to accomodate picky palates. I do try and include foods I know DS likes...green veggies for example are almost always part of his dinner. But I also try to periodically offer something new or that has been rejected in the past just in case it might suddenly be a winner. Just this week DS actually ate fruit! Sounds silly but my son has flat our refused fruit since he moved from baby food to real food. I even went back to making baby food (just fruit) for awhile and he still refused to eat it!

With toddlers they are trying to figure out the rules, what they can and can't get away with, as well as trying to be in control. Just be patient. You sound like you are doing a great job....keep offering him choices and he if he refuses to eat what you make...oh well. He won't starve himself and will eventually come around.
:yeahthat:Totally Agree. Best author to get some perspective on how to deal with this, and to remove any personal issues you have with food (I did) from the situation.

Also keep in mind that a child will NOT starve to death if food is available, nature just doesn't allow that to happen. They will eat different amounts on different days and that is ok, actually good if they are paying attention to their body's signals. Exposure is big with toddlers. I've read it takes 10+ times for something new to seem familiar. So if you put a new veggie on the plate and they say no, continue to offer it in the future. Eventually (may be months) they will touch it, someday put it in their mouth and spit it out (that's ok) and eventually swallow it. It takes a lot of patience, but I've found the earlier you introduce healthy foods the better.

[daisymommy]

I know I should let this drop. I know I don't need to be the PSA for every child out there with sensory and feeding issues. But I do think many parents don't have a clue that there is such a thing, and they would have liked to have been informed when they find out down the road that it is affecting their child.

My beef with the Ellyn Satter book mentioned earlier is that she does not tell you that for kids with a true sensory issue--they WILL starve themselves. Nature can and DOES let that happen. Ever hear of failure to thrive? It came very close to that with my son after following her advice. Advice that is all fine and good for a typical child--I admit that. But the advice is not one-size fits all.

I get tired of the same phrase being passed out by parents and doctors (our own pediatrician said the same thing) "Oh he'll eat when he gets hungry; he won't starve himself." But he didn't eat, no matter how how hungry he got if it wasn't the right texture or feel or flavor in his mouth, and he did starve himself and lose lots of weight. And the next expert I saw reminded me that it's really a myth that all kids will eat whatever you give them if they are truly hungry.

Sorry to get on my soap box, but it can do parents a great disservice to continue passing out the same across-the-board advice to all kids.

Again, the OP's toddler could very well just be a typical picky toddler. That's not a problem, he'll grow out of it. But it's healthy and wise to have all the information out there to review and keep in mind just in case he is not the typical child.

[brittone2]

nak-I agree 100% with daisymommy.

we basically loosely follow Satter's advice with our kids. However, my kids do not deal with sensory aversions.

if there's a chance you are dealing w/ a sensory issue, I would look into OT/SLP to look at the sensory component of feeding.

IIRC OP expressed in a different thread that her DS gags at the sight of playdoh being squished by another person, let alone himself. IME, situations like that coupled with her post here indicate there *may* be a sensory component to be considered. She indicated he may also have some fine motor concerns (in the thread about hand strength which also mentioned the play doh ), which could also play a part in self-feeding for example.

I think this is where it is tough to hand out the "he'll eat when hungry" advice, because there seem to be some red flags for sensory issues, etc. in some of the OP's threads. (eta: I realize that not everyone read OP's other posts and may have missed some of the other flags for sensory issues).

eta: OP can you remind me-does he self feed? Does he self feed only dry/crunchy things like Cheerios? Will he touch "messier" foods...juicy stuff that drips, sticky stuff, moist/mushy stuff etc.? Does he prefer to be spoon fed? Like would he touch the baked oatmeal and self feed pieces of it?

[BayGirl2]

My beef with the Ellyn Satter book mentioned earlier is that she does not tell you that for kids with a true sensory issue--they WILL starve themselves. Nature can and DOES let that happen. Ever hear of failure to thrive? It came very close to that with my son after following her advice. Advice that is all fine and good for a typical child--I admit that. But the advice is not one-size fits all.

I get tired of the same phrase being passed out by parents and doctors (our own pediatrician said the same thing) "Oh he'll eat when he gets hungry; he won't starve himself." But he didn't eat, no matter how how hungry he got if it wasn't the right texture or feel or flavor in his mouth, and he did starve himself and lose lots of weight. And the next expert I saw reminded me that it's really a myth that all kids will eat whatever you give them if they are truly hungry.


I appreciate your perspective, and I didn't mean to imply that generic advice in a book will apply for every single kid, especially those with special issues. I didn't sense from the OP that there may be something more than issues around power struggle and food choices. Definitely, if you are getting to the point of your child showing physical issues (i.e. failure to thrive symptoms) or seeing other signs of sensory issues, then those are things to talk to your doctor about. I just see so many people IRL struggling with basic power issues around food with 'normal' kids and trying to overcome their personal issues with food along the way. There are resources out there that deal with those common situations very well, so parents should be aware of all options.

[fedoragirl]

I am having similar issues with DD. Today is DAY 4 when she hasn't eaten much. For example: She had 5 tspns. of oatmeal for breakfast. She had 3-5 garbanzo beans for lunch, and 5-6 teeny bites of fish for dinner. This is what she has been doing for a week. She was on antibiotics last week. She is getting her premolars now. I understand that. However, she has gone from having a healthy appetite to nothing at all. The only thing she will drink willingly is milk. I used to give her 24 oz. of milk plus a yogurt smoothie but I've cut back on the milk (16 oz. now) so she doesn't fill up on it.
She doesn't have any sensory issues from what I can tell. I went from force feeding her on Day 1, and following Ellyn Satter's recommendation of offering a little of everything and letting her self-feed. She brings certain food to her mouth, and then throws it away without even tasting it. And this is for foods she used to LOVE--like blueberries.
I don't know what to do. I feel that she has lost 5 pounds in a week!
I am trying my very best not to be emotionally invested in the meals so I always eat with her and look away when she tries something, but we've had little success. I even made her a non-dairy smoothie today and she drank that. Am I doomed to a liquid diet?

[MamaMolly]

I know I should let this drop. I know I don't need to be the PSA for every child out there with sensory and feeding issues. But I do think many parents don't have a clue that there is such a thing, and they would have liked to have been informed when they find out down the road that it is affecting their child.

My beef with the Ellyn Satter book mentioned earlier is that she does not tell you that for kids with a true sensory issue--they WILL starve themselves. Nature can and DOES let that happen. Ever hear of failure to thrive? It came very close to that with my son after following her advice. Advice that is all fine and good for a typical child--I admit that. But the advice is not one-size fits all.

I get tired of the same phrase being passed out by parents and doctors (our own pediatrician said the same thing) "Oh he'll eat when he gets hungry; he won't starve himself." But he didn't eat, no matter how how hungry he got if it wasn't the right texture or feel or flavor in his mouth, and he did starve himself and lose lots of weight. And the next expert I saw reminded me that it's really a myth that all kids will eat whatever you give them if they are truly hungry.

Sorry to get on my soap box, but it can do parents a great disservice to continue passing out the same across-the-board advice to all kids.

Again, the OP's toddler could very well just be a typical picky toddler. That's not a problem, he'll grow out of it. But it's healthy and wise to have all the information out there to review and keep in mind just in case he is not the typical child.

Not that you need me to validate you ;) but in all honesty I also have a beef with the ES books, even though I recommend them. She is pretty much flippant about food allergies (my opinion) and dismissive of how serious they are. I don't think the OP's issues are allergy related, but you have an EXCELLENT point here about sensory issues, and I'm so glad you mentioned it!

[chottumommy]

I know I should let this drop. I know I don't need to be the PSA for every child out there with sensory and feeding issues. But I do think many parents don't have a clue that there is such a thing, and they would have liked to have been informed when they find out down the road that it is affecting their child.

My beef with the Ellyn Satter book mentioned earlier is that she does not tell you that for kids with a true sensory issue--they WILL starve themselves. Nature can and DOES let that happen. Ever hear of failure to thrive? It came very close to that with my son after following her advice. Advice that is all fine and good for a typical child--I admit that. But the advice is not one-size fits all.

I get tired of the same phrase being passed out by parents and doctors (our own pediatrician said the same thing) "Oh he'll eat when he gets hungry; he won't starve himself." But he didn't eat, no matter how how hungry he got if it wasn't the right texture or feel or flavor in his mouth, and he did starve himself and lose lots of weight. And the next expert I saw reminded me that it's really a myth that all kids will eat whatever you give them if they are truly hungry.

Sorry to get on my soap box, but it can do parents a great disservice to continue passing out the same across-the-board advice to all kids.

Again, the OP's toddler could very well just be a typical picky toddler. That's not a problem, he'll grow out of it. But it's healthy and wise to have all the information out there to review and keep in mind just in case he is not the typical child.


I agree with you wholeheartedly. My DS has a few sensory issues with food but not enough to warrant therapy. He will not eat at daycare for almost 8 hours if he does not like what is offered. We tried the whole approach of not giving in/starving and it didn't work. Made us and him both miserable.

So now I make what he likes to eat and try to encourage him to try new things. He will in phases try things and then go back to eating what he knows. Both DH and me were fussy eaters with texture issues and outgrew them in due time. We eat pretty much anything on our plates as long as its vegetarian now.

I don't believe cooking special meals for kids is spoiling them. Back home everyone I knew made meals catered to kids (but not junk) and thought nothing of it.