s/o Nurturing Your Marriage

[pinkmomagain]

This is a spinoff of the State of the Union thread. I see many of us seem to need to nurture our marriages more. Definitely true for me and DH, particularly coming out of a small rough patch.

I thought maybe we can share ideas for nurturing and finding time together. I'm finding movie/dinner thing getting stale. And often times dinner conversation leads to his work, our kids, or things we need to get done.

So what do you do or want to do with your dh/so to nurture your relationship?

[mommylamb]

My parents will sometimes take DS for the weekend so DH and I can have date weekend. Now, we certainly do talk about DS, work, other non romantic stuff during that time, but we also have fun together. We don't necessarily go out to eat though. We like to cook something special at home together. We also have one of those big bath tubs, so it's nice to take a soak. Other than that, we'll sit around and just hang out, watch movies, go for walks. We're pretty boring I guess, but it works for us.

[lcarlson90]

I think for us the best thing is going out to dinner alone once a month. We typically don't go to movies because you don't get to interact or talk during a movie. I like enjoying a long dinner with wine because it relaxes us and we actually get to talk. We usually just make it a point not to talk too much about the kids, household stuff etc.

The other thing we try to do is go on a short trip alone each year even if it's just for one night away.

[maestramommy]

Dh and I eat dinner without the kids on weekdays, and sometimes on weekends if it's date night or we just feel the need. I know it's not workable for everyone, but for us I think it's been the biggest little thing we do that keeps our connection strong. So yeah, we talk about the kids, what needs to get done, as well as what was NPR or the NYT or BBB that day (sometimes it's one and the same thing:p). Just having that 45 minutes without the kids to manage refreshes us. It's the one thing we look forward to while we're putting the kids to bed. We extend the time during clean up. Date night is usually an extension of that because we love to eat, but eating with the kids is always stressful, so a nice dinner we don't have to put out, on our own is always a treat.

Last year we went on an overnight without the kids for the first time. We'll definitely do that again, hopefully on an annual basis.

[TwinFoxes]

We don't have date nights very often, it just never seems to happen. We don't have family nearby to baby sit, and arranging for a sitter just never seems to get done until the last minute when they're booked. :irked: What we do try to do is little things for each other to let the other one know that they're still special. DH will text me that he loves me. I bought him a hard to find (here) soft drink when I happened upon it at TJ Maxx and surprised him. Or he'll buy me a magazine. We hold hands while watching TV.

I think little things every day add up to a reservoir of loving feelings. So when he does something that bugs me, I know he still loves me. And when I get grumpy, he knows that I love him back. :)

[weech]

What helps us the most is spending time together and also letting the other partner nurture themselves. The times where we've really struggled is when one partner feels too overwhelmed and hasn't been taking care of themselves.

So... DH encourages me to go shopping, get massages, mani/pedis, etc. I encourage him to go golfing, go to happy hours with friends, etc. Sometimes DH just sits alone in the basement and kind of meditates. We get along so much better when we feel like we are considering each other's needs.

That said, we also do date nights and dinners out with friends. My ILs live 10 minutes away and get upset when we DON'T ask them to babysit :rotflmao: We are very lucky in that regard. We've been able to do a few nights away where we put DS to bed at my ILs, stay in a local hotel, and pick DS up by 9am the next morning. Sounds a little silly, but it's extremely refreshing for us.

[sidmand]

This is why I found the Love Languages book so valuable because it wasn't so much what I thought it would or *should* be...for DH it's been making him dinner once a week. It's not something I ever did in 15 years of marriage but it's been huge to him. And for me it's when he picks me up little things he'd think I'd like or heard me mention. That's made a world of difference.

[MelissaTC]

DH and I started attending marriage classes about a year ago at our church. Neither one of us are particularly religious nor are we the type to do that type of thing but some of the topics seemed really interesting like finding out your personality type and how to incorporate that into your marriage. We went in feeling like we were in a really good place but taking the time (2 hours a month and they provide child care) has made such a difference and things are even better, which I never imagined. We each have our own time and do plenty of date nights, etc... but we never made a conscious effort to really focus on it and go to some uncomfortable places. I have learned so much about him but even more about myself. We are on our third session (of 4-5 classes) and some of our friends can't believe we are still doing it. I actually look forward to attending these classes and spending this time with DH. That's not to say that I don't like our dates or overnight trips, time with friends, etc.., but this has really been an amazing experience for the both of us.

[MelissaTC]

This is why I found the Love Languages book so valuable because it wasn't so much what I thought it would or *should* be...for DH it's been making him dinner once a week. It's not something I ever did in 15 years of marriage but it's been huge to him. And for me it's when he picks me up little things he'd think I'd like or heard me mention. That's made a world of difference.

Our next class at church is about the Love Languages. Mine is physical touch and DH has made an effort every single day to hug me, touch my arm, hold my hand, etc... I can't say enough how much of a difference it makes for me.

[WatchingThemGrow]

We don't do as much as we should, but 2 things we enjoy are going to the gym together to just WALK and TALK maybe 1-3 times per week. The kids go to the nursery and DH keeps a list of topics we need to address. It isn't lovey-dovey by any means, but it gets us active and conversing...something that's difficult with 3 little people. Some Friday nights we put the kids in the nursery and sit in the hot tub together. We keep our gym membership so we can use the childcare without too much hassle.

[khalloc]

I voted that we need nurturing. We do take adult-only vacations maybe every 12-18 months. But I feel like we need something more routine. I'm not even sure a weekend night alone every month would do the trick. DH's parents will take the kids for an overnight every so often. But I feel like the biggest problem is just life. It sucks alot out of us to be both working FT and then coming home and dealing with the kids. By the time they go to bed I want ME time. I want to sleep, or read a book. I dont know how to summon up the energy to get intimate 2-3 times a week. I do it, but DH is irked that I'd rather be reading...Or even watching a movie. I feel like I just want to veg and do something for myself.

[brgnmom]

my Dh has started cooking for us every now and then as a sweet gesture. When we first got married, he would surprise me w/ different dishes at home, or he would take me to our favorite restaurants in the city that we were living at the time.

we also enjoy renting movies from the library and having movie nights w/ popcorn after the kids are asleep.

our parents live a couple of miles away from each other, and when we visit them, my mom usually takes care of the kids & my Dh and I will go out to dinner, followed by the movies, dancing, etc.

[MoJo]

This is a spinoff of the State of the Union thread. I see many of us seem to need to nurture our marriages more. Definitely true for me and DH, particularly coming out of a small rough patch.

I thought maybe we can share ideas for nurturing and finding time together. I'm finding movie/dinner thing getting stale. And often times dinner conversation leads to his work, our kids, or things we need to get done.

So what do you do or want to do with your dh/so to nurture your relationship?

What do I want???

I often don't even get to eat dinner sitting down (there's no room for a high chair at our table), much less have conversation. I'd be thrilled with dinner and a movie, and would be very happy with a dinner where all we talked about was kids and work.

I'd love for him to take walks with me with the girls in the stroller. . . to sleep in the same bed before both girls always stay in their own room all night. . . . to play with us at the park and simply enjoy life together.

What do I do???

I cook dinner nearly every night and make sure there are enough leftovers or something else good for lunch. I take care of EVERYTHING so he only has to focus on work. I make sure we remain intimate in spite of not sleeping together for a couple of years now. I pray for him, and let him know that I am.

The only thing that sometimes works for us right now is a nice long drive together, and gas prices aren't helping that endeavor any. Plus then I end up stuck in the car with the kids while he shops in places where it's hard to take kids, and that's not exactly fun either.

[lhafer]

Frankly the best thing that has helped our relationship is the new hot tub we bought recently!! It's for me and DH. DD1 has gotten in it once when we didn't have it heated up. We doing outside work, and she was using it as her little swimming pool.

But every night we get in it for about 30 minutes after we put the girls to bed (they go down at 8pm and 8:30pm). We get in until 9 or 9:30 (depending on when we get in). We talk about our days, things on our mind, or don't talk and enjoy the silence. Sometimes we hold hands, some times we are in our own little worlds. It's been great for the body and for the soul.

Absolutely do not regret that big purchase at all. Especially since we never get alone time, or date nights.

[ahrimie]

I really want to do date night and stuff but honestly, it's really hard for us to do. We just don't have reliable child care and if we do a nice dinner, it's so much $$$.

I like doing pillow talk :) We just talk about our day or whatever in bed before we fall asleep. I think it's really sweet.

[Katigre]

Making sure to kiss/touch/hug every day is important for keeping the 'bonding hormones' going for both of you. Also, showering together is a nice way to spend time together - it doesn't have to lead to more (though it certainly can ;)) but it gives dedicated time you're focused on each other in a warm and comfortable place.

[eh613c]

I try to go back when we were still dating and hiding little notes in his wallet, laptop or jacket pocket. I also text him that I'm thinking about him or miss him....you know the lovey dovey stuff we used to do when dating.

[jenfromnj]

We are trying to find things that we like to do together, aside from the usual dinner/movie date thing. Pre-DS, we took golf lessons, would take cooking classes, and that kind of thing. Now it's harder to find the time and to justify the expense, but we're trying to come up with a plan. We just signed up for a photography tour/class--it's only an afternoon but should be fun, and we're hoping to find more fun things to do together.

[niccig]

We haven't done this yet, but friends did and we think we should too. Our friends have 3 kids and had no alone time or time to be intimate. They made a rule that they can not get 3 days without being intimate. She said it's really worked as they've found ways for couple time they wouldn't have done before and feel much closer to each other and that it's not all about the kids.

DH thinks it's a great idea, but we're both really busy right now and we've agreed that we're too tired, but soon, soon we can start. :rotflmao:

[Gena]

There is a local church that sponsors a date night once a month for parents who have kids with special needs. They watch the kids for 3 hours so the parents can go out and connect. It's a "mega church" with two gyms, a music room, a snack bar, and lots of kid-oriented spaces. The volunteers are anazing. Each special needs child gets a one-on-one volunteer (typical siblings are grouped by age and have a variety of activities). It means a lot to us to be able to drop DS off at a place where he is safe and well taken care off, so we can relax and concentrate on each other.

On a day to day basis we try to do small acts of kindness and appreciation for each other: a romantic note, a favorite treat, a back rub, etc.

[kijip]

We do fun things together to mix up the movie-dinner thing. Some are really cheap.

-dancing lessons
-going roller skating together. It's $6 each and we go after dinner and bedtime so no other costs besides maybe buying a coffee or juice at the roller rink. I am in a new derby league and like the extra skate time and he is interested in skating and thinks it is fun to tag along.
-going out for dessert and coffees vs. Dinner. It is cheaper and low key. We might also stop and browse a bookstore or take $10 and go through the dollar bin at the record store with it. It's crazy what we have found in those dollar bins and it is fun to look together.
-just grabbing some snacks from home or out and going for a drive.
-going for a long walk together.

[PMJ]

I also voted "Needs more nurturing".

I also agree w/ PP who rec the book, Love Languages. I just began reading this and dr. chapman is a pure GENIUS. I really think that if I focus on what DH enjoys and he does the same for me... many of our arguments will disappear. He loves FOOD and just to have a good meal cooked each day. That has been my focus. When I give him that, he in turn feels good, and gives me the things I need -- physical touch etc. I think both of us have the same Love Language, which I'm hoping will help us in the long term.

I think like Date nights and notes etc just would do nothing for my DH - so I think it really depends on what your DH would appreciate and like and what he would feel 'loved' by.

Great post.!