Advice please re: Disciplining toddlers

[PunkyBoo]

I could use some help and perspective on Boo's behavior. He turned 2 in January and is usually a sweet, loving, funny little boy. But he has such a temper! I know part of it is frustration - he has a speech delay (he's been in speech therapy for almost 6 months) so I know he struggles with how to express himself. Specifically, he throws. EVERYTHING! If he picks up something that belongs to his brother and we tell him "put it down" instead he throws it as hard as he can. If he asks for more to drink in his sippy while we're playing and I tell him "just a minute" or "bring me your cup" he throws it. If he decides there is something wrong with his meal (too hot, not the right kind of vegetables that he wanted, etc.) he throws his fork and tries to throw the whole plate of food. He throws at the glass french doors, the tv, the computer, us, walls, etc. I have tried time outs, but there are days where literally 5 seconds after I get him out of time out, he is throwing something else. I make him repeat the words "No throwing" before I let him out of time out, but he still does it. Yesterday when we were in the car on the way to speech therapy, he asked me to pick him up. I said in a silly voice, "I can't pick you up! I'm driving, silly!" and he got mad and chucked his full sippy cup at me while I was driving!! Yup, it hurt, scared me and P*SSED ME OFF!!! I had a firm talk with him about never ever throwing in the car, but I'm sure it won't be the last time (that wasn't the first time.)

I told DH that I need to figure out how to get this child to stop throwing. He said I won't like his suggestion so he has no comment. He thinks we should rap him on the hand, but I REALLY don't want to spend all day disciplining him for throwing AND hitting, and I know he will mimic what we do. HELP!!! What can I do to get this to stop? SHOULD I start smacking his hand?? That doesn't seem logical to me. Any book I should be reading?

[twowhat?]

We don't have throwers but did go through a food-throwing phase. Have you tried the completely ignore tactic (this takes time and consistency to see results, though). I'm guessing he's partly doing it to get a reaction from you.

[infomama]

I would NOT hit/smack his hand.

I would do my best to make things safe for now. If he is throwing things at you in the car I wouldn't let him have them (no sippies in the car.....for your safety, too.)

I think there is a plate you can suction cup down to the table. If he throws his utensils/toys/sippies/whatever....he loses them. I would just keep reinforcing that throwing and hitting isn't OK.

Hopefully others will chime in with more ideas.

[BayGirl2]

Are you doing time outs at all? We do a warning (sometimes 2, depends on the situation) and then a time out equal to 1 minute/year of age. We started around 18-20 months when we could tell that the behavior was intentional and he understood he was doing something wrong. (You know, the smile as he throws and the grin when he gears up to do it again.) The idea of time out is to remove them from the situation, calm them down, remove attention, and then discuss the behavior at the end. In general we've actually found it very effective, even at such a young age. We actually like the "SuperNanny" book and the concepts she talks about on her show.

I'm not a big believer in hitting, and I was spanked as a child. I just don't like the message it sends and I want my children to find ways other than violence to deal with their anger and frustration.

[sariana]

I'm not sure if this will help you, but my parenting class instructor says first-born children act out for attention, and second-born children act out for power.

So he may not be seeking attention but rather the power he feels he lacks. Do you try to give him choices when possible? Maybe he can't choose what vegetable to have for dinner, but could he choose whether to have it hot or cold, for example? When he asks for a drink, does he get to choose which cup to use?

I agree that you should not let him have anything in the car. He doesn't need a sippy in the car. He'll survive until you get to your destination.

Does he have an alternative time when it IS okay to throw? Rather than having him say, "No throwing," you could try having him say, "We throw balls outside" (or whatever words he can handle) or at gym class or wherever it is acceptable to throw things. Then make sure he gets that time to do just that--throw things. Then he knows that you are acknowledging him and giving him some control. Avoiding the word "no" can be truly empowering for children.

[LMPC]

Here's what I would do...not saying it's going to work but something a little different to try. The next time you are at home and he throws something, I would not put him in a time out. I would instead, give the item back to him and say "We do not throw______! I would like you to practice handing it to me nicely, please." And wait for him to give it to you. If he does, I would give him a big hug and tell him "great job" (or whatever might be positively reinforcing immediately afterwards). If he throws it again, I would repeat until he exhibits the appropriate behavior. I know it sounds hokey, but he might start liking the positive attention better than the negative attention. The thing is to be really reinforcing when he does not throw things.

Oh, and I agree with you about not hitting him...to me it sends a mixed message to kids when we hit them but then expect them NOT to hit. JMO.

[mousemom]

When DS starts throwing something, we usually give a warning and then he loses whatever he is throwing (for the afternoon, night, whatever time period seems appropriate). If he starts throwing his cup or silverware during a meal, he doesn't get it back. And if he starts throwing more substantial stuff like food then his meal is over. We also try to redirect him to things he can throw. So, no throwing blocks, for example, but you can throw your stuffed animals/soft balls/bean bags/whatever is relatively safe. I think that being consistent with these things has helped, because he very rarely throws things lately. Good luck!

[ahrimie]

I'm not sure this will work but with my DD, whenever I see she's really frustrated and she starts screaming or doing something that's unacceptable to me, I stop her and just calmly ask, "try to tell me what it is you want" or "what's wrong". I get down to her eye level and touch her while speaking. My only disclaimer is, DD is a very good at voicing her feelings and able to actually say what it is she wants... so I'm not sure it applies here. But I think getting down to their level and speaking softly helps.

[PunkyBoo]

I'm not sure if this will help you, but my parenting class instructor says first-born children act out for attention, and second-born children act out for power.

So he may not be seeking attention but rather the power he feels he lacks. Do you try to give him choices when possible? Maybe he can't choose what vegetable to have for dinner, but could he choose whether to have it hot or cold, for example? When he asks for a drink, does he get to choose which cup to use?

I agree that you should not let him have anything in the car. He doesn't need a sippy in the car. He'll survive until you get to your destination.

Does he have an alternative time when it IS okay to throw? Rather than having him say, "No throwing," you could try having him say, "We throw balls outside" (or whatever words he can handle) or at gym class or wherever it is acceptable to throw things. Then make sure he gets that time to do just that--throw things. Then he knows that you are acknowledging him and giving him some control. Avoiding the word "no" can be truly empowering for children.

Thank you for this insight! It actually helps me a lot. I avoided the word "no" with Punkin and it seemed to have worked pretty well for him. I'm trying to focus on giving Boo more options so he doesn't get so darn angry! Hopefully it will work!!

[PunkyBoo]

Here's what I would do...not saying it's going to work but something a little different to try. The next time you are at home and he throws something, I would not put him in a time out. I would instead, give the item back to him and say "We do not throw______! I would like you to practice handing it to me nicely, please." And wait for him to give it to you. If he does, I would give him a big hug and tell him "great job" (or whatever might be positively reinforcing immediately afterwards). If he throws it again, I would repeat until he exhibits the appropriate behavior. I know it sounds hokey, but he might start liking the positive attention better than the negative attention. The thing is to be really reinforcing when he does not throw things.

Oh, and I agree with you about not hitting him...to me it sends a mixed message to kids when we hit them but then expect them NOT to hit. JMO.

Yeah, I've realized the time-outs aren't working for him. He calms down but he hasn't seemed to see that it was a "punishment" to stop the throwing. I'm also going to try your positive approach. I think that, combined with sariana's advice to give him options, just might make a difference. Thank you, too, for the reinforcement on not hitting.