When did this become the norm?

[mom2one]

So I have a boy in first grade. He just turned 7 in february. My sweet little angel has been acting up some at school, but only during recess. We, his parents, have been working on his not so great behavior, and he has been great the last two weeks.
Meanwhile, another child is bothering my kid. It seems at his school, if your child does any little thing wrong, the other parent emails the teacher , as well as, the dean of students. So, because numerous emails have been flying to the school about my DS, I now have to sit and compose emails about this child who is now bothering my child. I feel like every little thing is documented.
What happened to kids solving their own problems? When did parent tattle taling become the thing to do?
I don't think I am going to survive elementary school at this rate.

[wimama]

Hmmm, I haven't noticed parent tattling in our school, but my DS is only in K4. I hope that isn't something I have to look forward to.

My biggest challenge is convincing my kid to stand up for himself. He tells me things other kids say or do to him and I ask him what he said or did in response. Nothing is his response. I am of let the let them work it out themselves camp unless there is a situation where once child is bullying another. I have stepped in on a situation once with a little boy in another K4 class. The little boy was clearly bullying another little girl, whether it was intentional or not.

[fedoragirl]

I don't think this is the norm....or at least, I hope it's not. As a teacher, I observed this behavior with parents whose kids had been together in school for years. By the time they get to middle/high school, they knew their parents would step in for them whenever a problem occurred-- with another kid or a teacher. I know because I would always gets comments from such parents at parent/teacher conferences..."I know X does this to other kids. We have other friends at this school." "We know you grade like this because our children's friends tell us...and they all couldn't be lying," etc.
I always wonder when the child will learn to talk to the teacher or the kid in question. After all, you can't go through life expecting your parents to resolve everything.
My mom was a teacher and absolutely refused to step into issues that involved another teacher or kid unless it was abuse. Thank goodness! I can negotiate a lot of good deals because of the skills I learned then and honed over the years.
On a funny note (depends on your perspective): My aunt emailed her son's college professor in his freshman year to email his grades to her because she was paying his college tuition and her son refused to divulge his grades to her. She wanted to make sure he was turning in his h.w. and getting his papers done, etc.
The professor emailed back that he was prohibited from sending any grades via email according to school and FEDERAL law. Really? But it was funny to hear that, and very embarrassing for my cousin.

[ha98ed14]

I also do not think that it is the norm, but it happens. DH teaches 4th and more common for him is a phone call from a parent. I will throw this out there, tho: I think a parent is almost always more interested in their child as "victim" than "bully". It's even more difficult if the child says that "walking away" isn't working. If my child came home and told me that they were trying to walk away, but were followed or ganged up on (other children joined the harassment), I would be on the phone and email to anyone I could.

I'm not sure of the exact nature of your son's misbehavior, but if the other mom perceived her son as unable to get away, I don't think she's being unreasonable. From her perspective, she *wants* every incident documented so that she can make a case against the bully harassing her child if necessary. In this case, the person (accused of) doing the harassment is your son. That's a very, very hard place for YOU to be in. In some ways harder than that of being the parent of the victim. The standards have shifted. Bullying is no longer tolerated, so anything that even smacks of bullying must get the kabosh asap. Public sentiment is going to favor the victim. (As the parent of the bully (real or perceived) you may feel that.) In a situation like this, I think a truly fanatical parent would be emailing the parent of the bully in addition to the school officials. The fact that she is going to school officials rather than seeking you out shows a level of self control on her part, but she is doing every single thing to document what her child is going through.

Again, this is all a matter of perspective. There are two sides to every story. While I don't think the situation you are facing is the norm, I think it is very common who feel that their children are being bullied. If I perceived that my child was being bullied, I would do the same thing.

[JBaxter]

not the norm here at all.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I have not heard of that at all in my school. Granted, my son's only in 1st.

If you don't like it, why would you do the same thing? Why not just talk to the teacher in person and ask her observations and then see if your son can move if it seems warranted?

[mom2one]

Basically, I think all that has happened is boy stuff. Some pushes and shoves on the playground and some name calling.

My DS got caught by me two weeks ago at the playground during recess not being nice to his BF. He kept throwing a ball at him. I stepped in and made this stop. Not one campus supervisor did. I told the mom of K what happened. Next thing I know, she has sent emails to the teacher about what I said, and the dean of students (DOS).
So gets in big trouble at home, I go talk to DOS about my son, etc.

N
The last two weeks he has been great. He has done nothing wrong. K is now bothering my son. Going into his book bag and really bothering him during play practice. The teacher caught K the last two days kicking, hitting, and calling my ds names like stupid during plY practice. ( the play is Wednesday night, I can't wait for it to be over )

I am glad K got caught. it shows that it is not all my son. Now another parent has decided to come complain to my sons teacher as well as the DOS. I would love to mow what she has to say, because my son has not bothered or even talked to this child for the last two weeks. What is she going to say? My son shoved her son 3 weeks ago on the plYground?

I don't understand all of this. I think this has been blown way out of proportion, but I am finding at my DS school, if two kids don't get along, the parents run to the school to tattle about every.little.thing!

[mom2one]

I feel like I have to play this game. If all this is being documented against my ds, then I have to document what others are doing to him.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I am glad K got caught. it shows that it is not all my son. Now another parent has decided to come complain to my sons teacher as well as the DOS. I would love to mow what she has to say, because my son has not bothered or even talked to this child for the last two weeks. What is she going to say? My son shoved her son 3 weeks ago on the plYground?


I'm confused about this part. The other parent is complaining about what your son is doing to K but not to their own child??? This is pretty confusing.

Sounds like you go to a private school? What does the teacher/DOS say? Do they say that this is a two sided thing or is your child being seen as a troublemaker? I think it's important that your child doesn't get a label if you intend to be at this school for many years to come. I don't like the emailing part. I think you need to talk with the DOS/teacher in person. You said you did, so what was their response?

[egoldber]

I agree that I would try to talk to the teacher and maybe the DOS in person. It sounds like you only have part of the story and I would want to understand what is happening.

[TxCat]

What about asking for a meeting between yourself, the mom of K and the DOS? Maybe if you go into it as sweet as pie (even if you are forcing yourself to fake being pleasant) and frame it as not wanting things to get out of hand over email, where things can quickly get blown out of proportion, but rather how both sets of parents and the school can work together to get a hand on the current situation and to improve it? This may be too idealistic on my part, but I always feel like it's worth a shot to disarm people with kindness, especially when they are least expecting it. Plus, maybe it will put an end to the barrage of emails, at least for a while.

[TwinFoxes]

I agree, that maybe there's more to the story. For instance, K could be having more troubles in school, and the incident that your son was involved in could have been one of many that K's mom thought the school needed to address. I'm not sure how you know your son hasn't bothered or talked to the other boy, I guess he told you? Or the teacher told you? Regardless, I'd talk to the teacher and DOS and try to get to the bottom of it.

[BabbyO]

On a funny note (depends on your perspective): My aunt emailed her son's college professor in his freshman year to email his grades to her because she was paying his college tuition and her son refused to divulge his grades to her. She wanted to make sure he was turning in his h.w. and getting his papers done, etc.
The professor emailed back that he was prohibited from sending any grades via email according to school and FEDERAL law. Really? But it was funny to hear that, and very embarrassing for my cousin.

OT, but I can confirm this. We were told (along with our parents) during freshmen orientation that the school/professors cannot send (in any form) grades to parents of students. It was the law. Furthermore, to release grades to anyone (perspective employers, etc) the student must fill out and sign an official release form (even if it is an unofficial transcript).

[tmahanes]

OT, but I can confirm this. We were told (along with our parents) during freshmen orientation that the school/professors cannot send (in any form) grades to parents of students. It was the law. Furthermore, to release grades to anyone (perspective employers, etc) the student must fill out and sign an official release form (even if it is an unofficial transcript).

Yeah that... my college was private and believed that parents should have the to know see grades that they were paying for so we all signed a parent release at the begining of the year IIRC.

[vdrake71]

I do have to say that your school sounds a little similar to what I have experienced. My 1st grader was getting bullied at school (the boy was calling my son names, opened the door while he was in the bathroom, and other things). I talked to a few other parents first and found out that this boy has had issues (bullied other kids) since Kindergarten. I then contacted the teacher and she was aware of some of the issues. We (+ teacher) were trying to get my son to work on speaking up and telling the teacher immediately when things happen. I don't know how things were ever resolved because we still have issues every once and awhile (I am thinking about requesting that the boy not be in my son's class). I just hope that the school is working with the parents on the other end to correct the child's behavior.