SAHMs who have your kids at home FT...

[ha98ed14]

Do you find it hard to balance caring for DC and keeping up with your own stuff? Starting this school year, I have been home with DD FT by myself.
On Tues we have a playdate from 1-4 that happens every other week.
On Wed we have Mommy & Me-Music and Movement mid morning, and then she goes to dance at 4.
Thursdays we go to Story Hour at the library and then from 12-2 we go to a Mommy & Me-Arts, Letters & Numbers.
Fridays I try to clean up from the week for the weekend. And DD whines at me all.day.long. that she wants to go somewhere, work on a craft (which means more for me to clean up!!!), me to play dolls with her (which I sometimes do).

I feel like an entertainment factory. I don't think she is over scheduled, we have lots of down time between activities and we don't rush from one to another, but I wanted to keep her busy and us out of the house. (She has previously been in an NAYEC preschool that was awesome, but I had to take her out after I was no longer a student at the Univ.) Putting her back in preschool is not an option. I'm just tired of being whined at to get her food, get her a drink, play with her, go somewhere. We go somewhere almost every freaking day! Have a spoiled her by not forcing her to be more self-entertaining? How do you get your kids to be self sufficient so that they are not constantly bugging you to go somewhere or do something? She will be 4 in a month and I don't think this is too much to ask. She will go in her room and play for half hour stretches but I have to threaten her with time out. (You can go play in your room or sit in time out. You choose.)

FWIW, I don't yell or spank, but I do get exasperated (too often) and tell her I need a break/ some space to get my equilibrium back. Being home and doing little-kid care FT is not something I enjoy. It's something I grit my teeth to get through.

[crl]

Well at that age, ds had one hour quiet time in his room everyday to replace the nap. (He was also in preschool at that age.). It wasn't easy to enforce at first but it got to be very routine and eventually he even looked forward to it.

When he was younger, we did go somewhere every day. But many days it was the park. And as far as I was concerned Target was an outing.

Catherine

[larig]

I know you said preschool wasn't an option, but what about coop preschool? At our coop the 3 year old class's parents work one day and the kids go three days, so the parents get 2 days (2 hours) off, for the 4s class it's 3 days off and 1 on. We pay (in the 2 year old 2 day/week class) $88/month. You might swap that out for your mommy and me classes in the fall and have some time for yourself.

I really have enjoyed the coop experience. I have one of the busier parent jobs, but it doesn't monopolize my time at all. It's been great for DS and me.

[daisymommy]

Hmmm, I think maybe it just takes some practice on their part? But also, some kids are more dependent than others.

We have never done any type of kid classes. We go places together like running errands, play dates, the library, etc. But we are not gone as much as you guys. So they are sort of forced to come up with their own fun ideas. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, or gone too much, everyone is different. I'm just saying it has forced my kids to come up with their own entertainment alot more.

We do watch TV, and I'm okay with that. We have a ton of open ended toys (toys that don't play for them--they create and discover with the toys), an art center that they can use whatever they want out of it. And yes, I do say "Mommy needs to have a break/clean/cook, whatever, now you need to go play." And generally they will. Sometimes they say they don't know what to play, so I give them some ideas, or play with them for 10-15 minutes and then scoot out on my way, leaving them to continue the fun themselves, and they are okay with that. That helps alot I think.

But yes, at age 3 or early 4, they do want more attention. It will get better as she gets older. Around age late 4-5 is when I really noticed a difference with the independence of my kids.

[SpaceGal]

I stay home with my three kids. I don't run them to play dates and I don't schedule story times and what not. My oldest is in half day Kindergarten. Come September, DS1 will be in 1st Grade full time and DS2 will be in pre-k in the AM. Once the weather does get nicer I will take the kids out more and let them play outside more as well. I am pretty hands off and let them play on their own at home. It does help that I have three so they have each other as playmates...granted they fight and what not but most of the time it's ok. I'm not one for running the kids around to a lot of things...but of course, we have different family situations.

Our cousin's family is similar to yours and she just has one child and I think in that case you feel like you have to take them out more and engage them and what not. Her DS does constantly bug her to do stuff and needs constant attention. Her schedule is WAY busier than mine in comparison...but I do see it as a family life thing.

I was an only child and unlike today where we are so concerned with stimulating our kids and what not...I stayed home a lot and played by myself because that's how it was.

Things are just different now a days. Granted I do let my kids watch TV and I do my best to maintain a neat house...it's not spotless but it's clean. Maybe try to have her play on her own...find things that she can do quietly by herself. Like my oldest can draw and color for at least an hour or so...he's six...and my 4 yo can play with Legos till the cows come home.

Sorry I don't really have an answer...but take some baby steps and maybe you can find a balance that works for you both.

[bubbaray]

My 4yo can not entertain herself. When she was 4, my oldest could not entertain herself either. Certainly not if I was otherwise occupied for the day.

So, yes, I do think that expecting a sole 4yo to entertain herself is too much to ask.

FWIW, my 7yo could not entertain/occupy herself for an entire day while I was in the house but not available. She could do crafts and workbooks, randomly play, but would need a lot of interaction during those times. I would need to be available and definitely in the same room, not say upstairs cleaning while she was in the kitchen doing a workbook.

ETA: my kids are a lot more self-sufficient when they are together. But there is no way I could spend the day doing my own stuff/chores even if DD#1 was with DD#2.

JMHO.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Toys in the living room.

I could have "me" time all day long if we are in the same room. Of course, when all 3 of mine are home, it is pure chaos. 2 play together well, and I never have any time where I'm home with just 1 DC. Next year, I will though! We'll likely doing errands because I'll only have 1 with me, though.

My friend with a 3.5 year old says the same thing you do, though. She feels like she is her DD's entertainment all.day.long.

[daisymommy]

Maybe I read the question wrong. I agree with Melissa, no way can a child occupy themselves for hours on end by themselves. An hour while you get something done, sure. Then you touch base and interact. Then after some together time you can go get something else done for another 30-60 minutes. But I don't think any more than 3x of being totally hands off (for like 60 min.) in a day, on an ongoing basis can be expected or is healthy.

I thought the OP meant while she was doing dishes or sitting down for an half hour break.

Longer breaks happen at nap time around here.

[PunkyBoo]

I've been really lucky that Punkin has been pretty self-entertaining since he was about 3-4. But I know that with Boo (who's 2) he wants to be a part of what I'm doing. So if you're doing housework, can she "help" you? Give her a rag and ask her to dust things she can reach? Give her a small hand-broom and ask her to sweep under furniture? Ask her to help you pick up toys as you vacuum? Have her put clean silverware into the drawer while you empty the rest of the dishwasher? Or since she likes doll play, maybe have her DOLL "help" you- say "Do you think Dolly can help mommy sort the silverware into the drawer? Having Dolly's help will make the work finish faster and then we can play together!"

ETA: 30-45 minutes I think is the max you should expect to get. Can you set her up on an activity to get her started? I know I have to sometimes give my kids guidance/ ideas on how to fill that time. And I agree with PP, any longer than that just isn't going to happen - if I need more than 30 minutes, it's just gotta wait till naptime or bedtime.

[Seitvonzu]

my child is VERY independent... since she was a baby, really.. we could just tell that she was going to try to do pretty much EVERYTHING by herself. it is not unusual at a playdate for my mommy friends to find her in the bathroom washing her hands after using the toilet. (after getting her tights down and back up!)

at 18 months old she started going in the fridge and getting a snack (i'd be in the bathroom for a minute and i'd find her on a chair with a sausage or something from the fridge (cooked!) and an open tupperware!)).

now, she'll come downstairs in the morning when i'm still sleeping (she wakes up EARLY) and play with polly-pocket like disney princesses for 15-20 minutes. then she'll bop upstairs and read (flip through a book and tell herself the story) or whatever. that's her thing. she's 3.25 now and we don't see this changing!

that said-- she still needs me during the day. i notice she always tends to need me if i NEED to do something (clean/cook/etc.) like previous posters, if there is something that NEEDS to get done i often will get her started with more elaborate play "projects" or art or something and then try to steal off for a few minutes to chip away at activities. more often, i just include her in what i'm doing. if it's cleaning- i'll try to get her to windex the table or something (she really likes that). if it's cooking she pretty much INSISTS on doing it with me (probably because she always has been allowed to help...we started that early)

wednesday i needed to get some packages in the mail... i was wrapping/ribboning/etc. she had a blast with her scissors making "tags" -- then she started "wrapping myself as a present for mommy"-- we had a great time! i still got to do my thing , and she had a new game. she was literally playing with trash and having A BLAST!

like you, we get out of the house alot. my mother can't believe how often i'm out and about with kiddo...but, each mom has their way, right? still, i think you do need some chill time at home.

last thing-- one thing i find about my own experience is that when i'm reallyreally present in my interactions with my child (even if they are not lengthy), she's better able to do her own thing and let me do mine. if my time with her is preoccupied/annoyed it doesn't matter how much i give-- she needs MORE. hang in their mama!

[niccig]

last thing-- one thing i find about my own experience is that when i'm reallyreally present in my interactions with my child (even if they are not lengthy), she's better able to do her own thing and let me do mine. if my time with her is preoccupied/annoyed it doesn't matter how much i give-- she needs MORE. hang in their mama!

I agree with other points and especially this. DS knows when my mind is elsewhere and that's when he needs me the most. Phone calls are the worst.

You have to do things in small chunks of time and if she can't help then set her up with something before you start. When I'm cleaning, DS does the glass in the windows that he can reach - he loves windex and a paper towel. So my windows and french doors are clean up until a 6yo's each..the tops are dirty.

DS is 6 yo and sometimes I still need to suggest what he could do. Other times, he just starts playing in his room with something all on his own. I normally tell him that he needs to play with x or y, while I do what I need to do. Then after I'm finished we'll do something together, like a board game. He's pretty good at occupying himself, but I do think that's been a later development.

If she doesn't nap anymore, then I agree with the quiet time in her room, so you get a break too.

[blue]

[QUOTE=Seitvonzu;3102960.
-- one thing i find about my own experience is that when i'm really really present in my interactions with my child (even if they are not lengthy), she's better able to do her own thing and let me do mine. if my time with her is preoccupied/annoyed it doesn't matter how much i give-- she needs MORE. hang in their mama![/QUOTE]

:yeahthat: Absolutely something I noticed with DS too! I have found that DS totally knows if I am distracted by something (thinking about what to cook for dinner etc), and not really paying attention to what I am doing with him (and he gets mad about it).

I have been working on focusing more and being mentally present with DS when I'm spending time with him (even 5 or 10 minute intervals between cleaning or cooking). So far, it has really helped BOTH of us. DS gets the attention he needs, I get to wash a few dishes with out him trying to climb up my leg, and as a bonus, I have found that I enjoy the time I spend playing with DS more (because I am actually mentally "there").

OP, I also like the idea of having your DD help you with cleaning (if you are up for that). I have been pleasantly surprised with what DS (almost 2) can contribute to cleaning and chores. For example (and to mention some ideas for you), DS helps me take the laundry out of the dryer, put clothes in the dresser (they get a bit unfolded when he helps, but he is getting better), throws dirty dishes in the sink, moves toys when I vacuum, ect... I have found that having DS help clean (besides teaching him to contribute to the household), actually makes the cleaning go faster because he is not whining for my attention since we are together.

Good luck OP :), HTH

[Green_Tea]

What you're describing sounds pretty typical for a 4 year old. At that age I think they're much less work when there's more than one of them. Can you invite a friend over once or twice a week? I would set them up with some paper, crayons, scissors, magazines and glue sticks and let them have at it. Or play doh. I would not play WITH them, but would be nearby, reading or doing dishes, or paying bills. Then pop some popcorn and let them watch Dora for 30 minutes. Honestly, I think one four year old is WAY more work than two. It's the main reason my older two girls did fine in preschool 3-4 mornings a week, but my DS goes full time. He craves interaction with other kids and wants to be engaged constantly.

[bisous]

I think your schedule sounds great. Friday is your "down day" so you can get stuff done! I get that. While I have two kids now, my DC are 4 years apart and so I spent many years with DS alone. I completely agree with other posters that you might find yourself more productive with another 4 year old over! Even better if you have a friend and can do an exchange. Maybe that mom can watch the kids for a few hours at her house and then a few hours at yours. Or switch Fridays. I've done both to great effect.

One thing that helps me too is to have hours set aside to do my stuff. Generally, 2 hours in the morning are "mine" and I don't read books or play with the kids really. They know that it is my get dressed/eat breakfast/do morning chores time and they've stopped asking for too much. Likewise in the afternoon, I have some down time while they play in their rooms or do art projects etc.

HTH!

[bisous]

OOh, thought of one more thing. I find that my DS2 (3.5 years old) likes to "go to a place" every day still. We have something scheduled 4 out of the 5 days a week. On the 5th day, he is satiated if we have a picnic in our yard for lunch. It doesn't take a lot of time but it is a change of scene!

[fedoragirl]

Lots of good ideas here. I never thought I'd like being a SAHM but now, I enjoy it. I expect DD to play alone for 45 min. at the max. She is very good at that at 14 months, and has been since she was 8 months old. We don't have many battery-operated toys and we have very few toys. She loves looking at her books most of the time.
I think what grates on your nerves is the whining. I would work on that because that can trigger all my irritation nerves too. DD doesn't whine yet. She also cannot use any words yet. I don't whether that's a blessing or not. :D However, if and when she does whine, I have lot of techniques I read up on that don't include irritation, yelling, or spanking (phew!). I know that's my trigger so I read some material on it when I was pregnant.

[AustenFan]

The best advice I got re: entertaining kids/encouraging independence was to invest quality time with them early in the day. I notice that when I actually sit down with my kids at breakfast (instead of multitasking while they're restrained at the table) and then read to them for half an hour afterwards, they are much better at playing on their own/looking at books/whatever for the rest of the morning. They only watch TV a couple times a month, so they are expected to entertain themselves in other ways for the majority of the day. Most of the day, they're playing in the same room as me while I do housework with frequent breaks to read a book, dress a doll, etc. I'm present but not constantly entertaining, if that makes sense.

Yes, we have whiney days, too!

With DS (who just turned 4), I also spend an hour after lunch "doing preschool" (mostly coloring, pattern books, puzzles, etc) with him while his sister naps, then he has to go to his room for quiet rest time from 2-3. My investment in him for that hour usually makes him pretty happy to entertain himself for the next hour. That is my only guaranteed hour "off" in the day until after the kids are in bed.

Another thought is that less is more...we do usually leave the house every day, either for errands or Bible study or to go to the library, but I try not to book us up too much with hard and fast commitments. And we also cycle through our toys so that not everything is out at once. Right now the blocks, play kitchen, and matchbox cars are out. Next month it might be the train set, duplos, and parking garage. I've found that toys are more entertaining (and keep their attention longer) when they've been put away for a month!

Also, stickers from the Target dollar section have been my lifesaver these past couple weeks of rainy PA weather. When I can't handle it anymore, I pull out construction paper and stickers and let them go at it for 20 minutes--enough for me to get dinner going or fold a load of laundry or do something without a little person sticking a book in my face!:tongue5: