When does a favor cross the line?

[twowhat?]

I just want some opinions so that I can either a) justify that I'm annoyed or b) let it go.

I have a very sweet neighbor who asks me to feed/litterbox her cats when she goes out of town (maybe a couple times a year) - this amounts to feeding 2 meals and cleaning the litterbox for 2 cats who don't always use it (so it also involves picking up poop on the carpet). I don't mind doing this as a favor and have always told her that I am happy to help as long as I am able.

Over time, she started asking me to feed the cats if she got stuck late at work. This didn't happen too often, so I was fine with doing it.

In the past couple weeks, she started taking classes and on 2 occassions she did not have time to stop at home to feed her cats their evening meal between getting from classes to her second job. I've fed them for her.

Is she taking advantage of me now? I'm starting to get annoyed, and DH is starting to get annoyed too. Because it IS trouble for me, especially since her cats eat morning and evening (the times that we are scrambling the most with the girls). IMO it wouldn't kill the cats to wait to eat their dinner when she gets home late at night. Or maybe she should hire a petsitter if it's going to be a regular occurence.

This neighbor is good friends with another neighbor who has 2 dogs that I took care of whenever he traveled (he paid me, so it was fair). Tonight the neighbors went out for dinner or something and she calls me to ask if I can go into neighbor #2's house to put away a cake that they left out that they were afraid the dogs would get into. This was at 8:30pm. Prime scrambling time. DH took the call and pretty bluntly told her we were trying to get the girls in bed. I didn't have the keys to his house anyway (since I stopped looking after his dogs for him when I went back to work FT).

Are my neighbors starting to take advantage of me? Should I be annoyed? Or am I just being a sour neighbor? I have no qualms with telling them when I cannot help (and I've done that before). I also don't answer their calls if I can't. But at this point I'm more annoyed that they don't seem to get how busy I actually am. I get that they don't have kids - but wouldn't you think some of this was common sense? Or am I just being a sour neighbor?

eta: I guess I should be pleased that I make it look easy?? Hahahahaha...
etaa: she has cancer, so I just feel bad for not helping her. But she's in remission, doing well, but still - it adds to my guilty feelings!

[TwinFoxes]

Dude, you lost me at cat who doesn't always use the litter box. Yeah, cat lady is waaaay over the line, especially since dog guy pays you.

[MMMommy]

You are definitely being taken advantage of. It's reached the point where the one exploitative neighbor is even asking you to do a favor for another neighbor. I say cut the cord, put your foot down, and just say "no."

[GvilleGirl]

I think so too. We trade pet sitting in our neighborhood. And what is up with putting away a cake at someone elses house. I think a few "sorry I can't right now" in a row might help them move on to the next person. I guess I would be frustrated at the assumption that you are always available.

[DietCokeLover]

Yep.... way over the line! Its one thing to help out a neighbor a couple of times a year. Or to help out feeding when an emergency pops up and she cant make it home - once. But, no. no. no. to getting the cake put up for random neighbor. That's just crazy.

[eh613c]

I understand if it's once or twice a year but it's becoming more frequent. They're taking advantage of you.

[turtledove]

I guess I would be frustrated at the assumption that you are always available.
:yeahthat: This is the part that would bother me...She can not rearrange her life and schedule and just assume you will pick up the slack? I would say no (or avoid the call) the next few times and hopefully she can find another backup.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I would start suggesting the electronic litter box thing and maybe programmable food dispensers. Yeesh, cats aren't supposed to be that needy, imo. YOu should be able to come home from work late and find them maybe hungry but fine.

Beth

[niccig]

I have classes 2 days a week and I'm gone from 8.30am until 6pm - our dog can't wait that long. I PAY our teenage neighbour to let our dog out when he gets off school (2.30pm). I have asked him to do it at other times, but I'm PAYING him. It's working out well - he gets some more $ and I don't have to worry about our dog. When I arranged it with our neighbours I made sure the parents knew they could say no as it is every week for 16 weeks - that's a lot.

I agree with saying - no, I'm not available. I can understand the "I'm out of town" but the going over when home later or classes has me scratching me head, unless she specifically asked you up front to do and then pay you. My neighbour knows when he has to come over, there's no last minute phone calls.

Oh, to answer your question, I think asking a favour crosses the line when you expect the person to do it and don't take into consideration that they're busy too, and you're not grateful for their help. I have Friend A who would call last minute and expect me to drop things for non-emergency situations. Then I had Friend B, who had a very sick child in hospital and was still concerned that the favour was too much for me to do - it really showed me the different attitudes they had. I dropped everything to help Friend B.

ETA. You asked why they don't realise you're busy - I think some people are oblivious to what is going on with others.

[crl]

Yeah, I think she is pushing it. Plus cats don't generally overeat so she really should be able to leave enough dry food out foe the whole day. . . .

Catherine

[ett]

Yup, she's taking advantage of you.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Yep.... way over the line! Its one thing to help out a neighbor a couple of times a year. Or to help out feeding when an emergency pops up and she cant make it home - once. But, no. no. no. to getting the cake put up for random neighbor. That's just crazy.

:yeahthat: i still cant' believe they asked you to put cake away for a neighbor! i honestly would be flabbergasted at that request...

and i agree with nicci, i think it crosses the line when they keep asking more and more and it's always assumed that you are available to help, and the person doesn't acknowledge that it's a big trouble for you to help them out.

[crl]

I guess one question would be, does she reciprocate? It sounds like no. I have neighbors who do things like pick up paper towels for me when they go to the store. But I do the same, or help out with child care, etc. We do some pretty big favors on this street pretty regularly, but it balances out on giving and receiving over time.

Catherine

[geochick]

Just tell her it's becoming too much for you, and that you've heard there are some good pet sitters in the area that don't charge too much. Leave it at that. How to solve the problem at that point is her issue.

Good luck.

[ThreeofUs]

I'd be annoyed, too. But fwiw and to post another view on this, she might just be clueless. Have a talk with her. Just nicely say everything you've said in your post - you might be surprised at her reaction.

GL!

[ahisma]

That's way too much. DH's brother lives across the street and we would never dream of asking them to do even 1/4 of that, nor they us. And that's family! I can't imagine asking a neighbor to do all of that, no matter how close you were.

FWIW, my mom had cancer and MS and never asked her neighbors to do all of that. Bring up the mail, stuff like that, sure. It would be different if she needed pet care while she was at chemo or something. Cancer has nothing to do with this!

[ha98ed14]

Yeah, I think she is pushing it. Plus cats don't generally overeat so she really should be able to leave enough dry food out foe the whole day. . . .

Catherine

:yeahthat: We've left our cat OVERNIGHT with a newly cleaned litterbox, two bowls of kibble, and an automatic water-er. She is more than fine. If this woman is having you go over there to open canned catfood for her darlings, then her cats are her children. You're busy tending your own! She can leave a bowl of kibble out and open their cans when she gets home from work.

It's up to you if you want to continue to do it when she out of town. I'd say no just to be rid of that portion of your relationship.

The cake, um, that's just weird! That's like asking someone to go into your house because you think you left the milk out. WEIRD!!! If they are that worried about it, one of the spouses could leave the restaurant and go home and put it away. You're not their errand boy, for crying out loud! I hope your DH was very, very blunt!

[randomkid]

I agree with PPs - over. the. line! I'd likely just stop answering the phone when she calls. I LIVED with a cat owner in college and her cat didn't require that much care when I was right there in the house with her. My roommate would leave out a bowl of food and the cat would eat at will. Your neighbor needs to get an automatic feeder if she is going to be out that much.

[Corie]

Dude, you lost me at cat who doesn't always use the litter box. Yeah, cat lady is waaaay over the line, especially since dog guy pays you.


Seriously! I'm right there with ya!

[Melaine]

Dude, you lost me at cat who doesn't always use the litter box.

Exactly!!! That's kind of like her asking you to come over and watch her 8 year old child for free, only he is being potty trained. That's WAY more than a favor.

[lhafer]

:yeahthat: We've left our cat OVERNIGHT with a newly cleaned litterbox, two bowls of kibble, and an automatic water-er. She is more than fine. If this woman is having you go over there to open canned catfood for her darlings, then her cats are her children. You're busy tending your own! She can leave a bowl of kibble out and open their cans when she gets home from work.

It's up to you if you want to continue to do it when she out of town. I'd say no just to be rid of that portion of your relationship.

The cake, um, that's just weird! That's like asking someone to go into your house because you think you left the milk out. WEIRD!!! If they are that worried about it, one of the spouses could leave the restaurant and go home and put it away. You're not their errand boy, for crying out loud! I hope your DH was very, very blunt!

:yeahthat: This is me too, except I have left my cat for a entire weekend...and guess what?? JUST FINE. Left her plenty of food and water.

These are cats. Not kids.

And the cake thing....way out of line!! That line was crossed a long long time ago in my book with having to clean up poop for free. Yeah...no.

[lil_acorn]

You are being taken advantage of. I would recommend this auto pet feeder to your neighbor:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00006JHRE/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=4369677997&ref=pd_sl_54pz1exv7y_b

we had one & loved it for weekend getaways

[janine]

Definitely - I mean everyone has different thresholds (mine is very low, lol), but if you are annoyed, well there is your answer! I'm very independent and hate to ever ask for a favor, so this kind of stuff is annoying - can't believe how some people think it's everyone's duty to help them with their responsibilities. Just tell her sorry, you've become very busy and won't be able to help anymore. Or if you're the upfront type, tell her this is crossing the line, go find a cat sitter.

Good luck!!

[mjs64]

:yeahthat: This is me too, except I have left my cat for a entire weekend...and guess what?? JUST FINE. Left her plenty of food and water.

These are cats. Not kids.


Me too. This woman (cat lady, not you) is definitelt taking advantage of you. You should ask her for some "favors."

[twowhat?]

OK, well I feel better that I'm not just being un-neighborly. Though she definitely considers me to be a friend, not just a neighbor.

FWIW, she tells me every so often that she'll watch the girls so we can go out. But I have never taken her up on it - the girls are not comfortable enough with her for us to leave them with her. And she doesn't have kids and I don't totally trust that she would know what to do with toddlers.

And her cats - they are old and have no teeth. Which means opening a can of soft food and dealing with poop that isn't in the litter box.

But still - I am glad to hear that most of you agree that a couple times a year is fine, but this more frequent last minute stuff is getting to be annoying. I'll just be more firm with saying no if I don't want to. The other thing I've said before is "yes, I can go over there to feed them, but it won't be until after 9pm because we are busy with the girls until then." When I've used this before, she says it's fine but I can tell in her voice that she's really thinking "why can't you just take 2 minutes to pop over there now?"

[DrSally]

I understand if it's once or twice a year but it's becoming more frequent. They're taking advantage of you.

:yeahthat:

[Toba]

My sister owns her own pet sitting service (they also do dog training). They are fully insured and have NUMEROUS employees that go over and feed animals, let them out/clean up after them, etc., day and night ... even give them shots, if needed. They even have some clients that require the sitter to spend the night(s) at the house ... and they get paid for it.

If I were you, I'd look up pet sitting in the phone book and have the number of one handy when she calls the next time. I wouldn't even give an explanation ... it's none of her business!!!

[Mommy_Again]

Do you have caller ID? It's a beautiful thing in instances like this.

[trcy]

Do you have caller ID? It's a beautiful thing in instances like this.:yeahthat: DH had a "friend" we lived near' seemed we always got a last minute call to let his dogs out. DH stopped answering his phone when he saw it him. If he did answer it, he would just tell him he couldn't. He eventually caught on. I agree with PP about suggesting an automatic feeder. And the cake thing :hysterical: I think they are out of line.