Many divorces

[blisstwins]

All of a sudden several of my friends are divorcing. The most recent divorce was not something I expected AT ALL. I know no one really knows what is going on, but he had an affair, doesn't love me friend, doesn't know if he ever did.... I am in a happy marriage, but my parents divorced when I was very young. I do not remember them ever living together. When I hear of divorces I get insanely sad, nervous--the whole gamut of emotions. I am sure it is because I project my experience onto the children involved, but is this normal? If your parents divorced do you have this similar experience and does it seem like there are a lot of divorces lately? FWIF, my children are 6.

[MelissaTC]

I get freaked and my parents have been married for 37 years! It is just plain scary, especially when it comes out of nowhere although who knows what goes on behind closed doors? DH and I have tried to be really proactive in making this work. We are in it for the long haul and truly desire to be together until the end.

[ohsara430]

I think it's normal to feel that way. I have a good friend last year whose DH cheated and she had no clue until one day she stumbled upon some text messages. They have 3 kids and she wanted to make it work but he wasn't interested. They divorced last year and she has moved on but the kids have suffered since their dad doesn't want to see them, he 'moved on' with his new girlfriend.

Difficult economic times also spell a rise in divorce rates. Although even generally, I think the latest statistic is still half of all marriages end in divorce - that's scary. I'm a big believer in commitment but too often people look outside their relationship to fulfill some part of their life and it always leads to trouble. You know, the grass always looks greener on the other side.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We haven't started having any divorces in my circle and I feel like it has to only be a matter of time. Any one of them would shock me because of my friends, all seem to be in good marriages.

Beth

[KDsMommy]

I'm going through a NASTY divorce which includes domestic violence, child abuse, etc. I have several good friends who are getting divorced as well.

[crl]

This is weird. Really weird. I can't think of any of my friends who has gotten divorced. Ever. Which is statistically improbable. Weird.

Catherine

[ThreeofUs]

Not so many divorces in my circle. Just two that I can think of in the last 10 years or so.

But when I hear about it, I totally get freaked out. DH and I work on our marriage, we talk about it and try to support each other and our union. But who knows what pushes a couple to that point? *shudder* I guess, for me at least, the best I can do is keep present, keep reading about what makes a marriage strong....

[carolinamama]

Dh and I were talking about this last night - none of our closer friends from college that got married all around the same time we did have gotten divorced. But we ran into a girl that I went to school with last night at dinner who divorced a few years ago and it got us talking. One of my friends/neighbors did divorce recently but I think I'd have kicked her XH out too.

The whole divorce thing does freak me out. DH and I are very open about discussing our marriage and say that divorce is not an option. At this point I can't imagine us splitting up. I hope it stays that way and we work towards that.

[BabyMine]

I'm going through a NASTY divorce which includes domestic violence, child abuse, etc. I have several good friends who are getting divorced as well.

:hug: I am so sorry.

All of my pre kid friends have divorced. It's sad but I don't let it question our marriage. DH's and my parents our divorced and we really didn't have good role models growing up. We are determined not to let that happen to us. We have been through very difficult times that made me question things but we decided to go to counseling and work it out. Now we see a counselor when we have some hiccups to work out and that works out great.

[lalasmama]

There have been a few divorces around me in the last few years. As much as I hate to say it, I think many of the recent divorces in my groups have been related to being married young. They got married at 18, 19, 20, and then did all that growing and maturing (or not!) and now they are at 30, very different from who they were at 19.

I was in the same position--I was with my XH at barely 21, he was "the love of my life" and I couldn't imagine us ever having issues big enough for divorce.... And then he didn't want more kids, and I did. He wanted a 23yo, carefree swimsuit model, and I had gained weight after each pregnancy loss. He wanted to work 60+ hours a week to make lots of money, and I loved our easy, relaxed way of life--I didn't see any need for making $150k/year when we were happy and in love at $50k/year. When it all came down, we had become two very different people, neither of us were happy, and one of us was willing to work on it, the other wasn't. So we went our seperate ways.

My best friend went through a similar situation. In proving they were "adults" at 19, she and her now XH got married, and birthed 3 kids in rapid succession. She loved being a mom, went back to school to help bring in money for the home, and at 30-something, her XH announced he was in love with a GF he had been seeing for 9 months or so. He wasn't interested in working on things, and didn't believe in "staying together for the kids"... He's been through 4 or so GFs since then, lost 2 jobs due to sexual harrassment, and can't understand why 22yo hotties aren't interested in a pudgy, uneducated, unemployed guy with a comb-over and who lives at home with his mommy and has 3 kids every weekend.

Like a PP said, as hard as it is, you can't compare your marriage to others' marriages, as it's rarely one clear-cut thing that ended their marriage, or that would end your's, ya know?

[citymama]

I'm going through a NASTY divorce which includes domestic violence, child abuse, etc. I have several good friends who are getting divorced as well.

I'm so sorry. :hug:

I have one good friend getting divorced. Most of my friends are pretty happily married. But in DD1s preschool class, I'm amazed that 3 out of 15 kids come from divorced homes - these are kids between 4-5 years old. I shouldn't be amazed, but that seems awfully young to me.

[maestramommy]

My parents are not divorced but I do get sad and a little nervous. I'm not anxious about my own marriage, but I guess you just never know. The divorces among my friends, many were not a surprise, but some really were. Then again, the ones that caught us by surprise were far away friends that we only heard from intermittently, so who knows? A couple of friends from my first mommy group got divorced and that always sends a wave of sadness and nerves, because many of us have been married the same length of time or shorter, so you wonder well if it can happen to them, what about me.

I think it's normal to have a run of emotions when we hear about our friends divorcing.

[sste]

I get very nervous about which friend we are going to "get" in the divorce. I mean, it is pretty hard to stay friends with both members of the couple even though in many cases that is the nature of our friendship and has been for many years.

I wish there was an unobnoxious way to say this . . . but it doesn't cause me any personal concern when I see others divorce. DH and I have our issues but we have a very strong attraction to one another on multiple levels. I know he adores me and vice versa. He is not one to leave his kids . . . if I left him I know he would move heaven and earth to buy a house within a block of mine and fight for 50/50 custody. And after almost twenty years, my whole adult life really, I can no more imagine leaving him them unzipping my own skin and stepping out of it. I suppose I do think it is possible one of us could have an affair, that always seems possible. But, I can't imagine we wouldn't still want to stay married after that . . . though it would be a b*tch to sort out the aftermath of that sort of thing.